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Old 02-05-2013, 03:55 PM   #1
Tiggeroo
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Would you make up with a close family member

who you believe did something very upsetting to you in order to restore peace in your family? This family member hurt me and I used to be very close to them. I do believe they are wrong and made it worst by the way they handled things. But my parents are getting older and my mother is saddened by it all. I also have a nephew who is fighting cancer and my brother would like solidarity. This rift has spread to another sister who is not speaking to this person either. Probably if I repaired it she would to and I guess everybody would be happy.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:01 PM   #2
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who you believe did something very upsetting to you in order to restore peace in your family? This family member hurt me and I used to be very close to them. I do believe they are wrong and made it worst by the way they handled things. But my parents are getting older and my mother is saddened by it all. I also have a nephew who is fighting cancer and my brother would like solidarity. This rift has spread to another sister who is not speaking to this person either. Probably if I repaired it she would to and I guess everybody would be happy.
I would. But I don't get upset by much. For the sake of family harmony I would put it aside.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:04 PM   #3
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Depending on what the person did, yes, I would. I have a few family members now that I pretend to get along with for the sake of my grandma. When she's gone (hopefully a long, long time from now), I'm done with them. I just decided that I love her more than I despise them.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:05 PM   #4
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who you believe did something very upsetting to you in order to restore peace in your family? This family member hurt me and I used to be very close to them. I do believe they are wrong and made it worst by the way they handled things. But my parents are getting older and my mother is saddened by it all. I also have a nephew who is fighting cancer and my brother would like solidarity. This rift has spread to another sister who is not speaking to this person either. Probably if I repaired it she would to and I guess everybody would be happy.
It really depends on what that person did to me, some things can be forgiven and some can't. As much as I would want everyone else to be happy, my feelings about the situation would come first.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:12 PM   #5
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My mother passed away in Oct and my sister wrote her off a two-three years before that (right after being diagnosed with breast cancer, and her double mastectomy). She tried to "make peace" maybe 6-9 months before she passed, but at that point it was to late. I don't talk to my sister, and have no plans on ever doing so, but I'm sure she has a lot of regrets from her actions, i.e. not seeing her mother before she died, etc.

OP - Do what you think is right for you and your family. Put a lot of thought into it. Would you regret never talking to this person after they died (you said someone has cancer)? Try to concider how this will impact you right now, and in 2-5 years - If thats possible...
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:13 PM   #6
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who you believe did something very upsetting to you in order to restore peace in your family? This family member hurt me and I used to be very close to them. I do believe they are wrong and made it worst by the way they handled things. But my parents are getting older and my mother is saddened by it all. I also have a nephew who is fighting cancer and my brother would like solidarity. This rift has spread to another sister who is not speaking to this person either. Probably if I repaired it she would to and I guess everybody would be happy.
It depends on what it was; some things just are not easily forgiven.

Did they steal money? I can forgive that. Lie, I can forgive that depending on why they lied. Mental or physical harm on purpose? No. Torture? Never.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:15 PM   #7
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Me, yes. But I'm of the male gender. Wife, probably not.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:25 PM   #8
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My son was planning on going back to college after a time of "finding himself". During this time he worked in a very nice cafe who trained him as a chef. Sister was very happy with me that he made this decision. She was always upset that he wasn't in school. Sister decided to open a restaurant. Wanted son to come run it for her. I told her that would stop him from going to school. He doesn't want to go into restaurant work as a career choice. Sister got angry at me for asking her to not offer him lots of bribes to come work for her. I asked her to give him some time to sort things out or set it up so he could go to school too. She then offered him even more. Called him constantly telling him how fun it would all be with her in her town. I asked her as a sister to back off. At the same time I told son I would support him and love him whatever he did. Gave him my reasons for why I was against it. He was 21 so an adult but not self-supporting. He went to work for her and now a year and a half later he is still a low wage cook working tons of hours and living in my sis' basement. I'm hurt that she didn't consider my input at all. If a random stranger had asked him that would have been find. But she's my sister. She has guilted, paid and gifted all of her kids into college. None of them are allowed to work for her full time and can't work at all unless they're in school. I know he's an adult. I get that. But there have been many things that I have done for her over the years just because she's my sis. I have gotten up with my dh in the middle of the night and drove half way across the country because she had an emergency. I would never try to get one of her kids to do something she didn't want them to do unless I thought she was hurting them. And her kids are all young adults too. When you have that kind of relationship you expect the same kindnesses back.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:25 PM   #9
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who you believe did something very upsetting to you in order to restore peace in your family? This family member hurt me and I used to be very close to them. I do believe they are wrong and made it worst by the way they handled things. But my parents are getting older and my mother is saddened by it all. I also have a nephew who is fighting cancer and my brother would like solidarity. This rift has spread to another sister who is not speaking to this person either. Probably if I repaired it she would to and I guess everybody would be happy.
I would make the peace. There's not much worse than families that hold grudges against each other and not speak. We are a large family, and there are bound to be times of hurt, anger, and disagreements with all our spouses, children,etc. There are some that we aren't around as much, but we can all come together and enjoy a good time. My mom is gone, but she hated discard, and we all have/had enough respect for her to swallow our pride when we feel hurt from another.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:26 PM   #10
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If the person's history, or current actions with others, indicated that they would continue to be truly hurtful over and over then, o I would not put myself in that position again. If it was a one time thing, then yes I would move past it (unless it was truly, truly bad--like abusing my child).
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:29 PM   #11
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My son was planning on going back to college after a time of "finding himself". During this time he worked in a very nice cafe who trained him as a chef. Sister was very happy with me that he made this decision. She was always upset that he wasn't in school. Sister decided to open a restaurant. Wanted son to come run it for her. I told her that would stop him from going to school. He doesn't want to go into restaurant work as a career choice. Sister got angry at me for asking her to not offer him lots of bribes to come work for her. I asked her to give him some time to sort things out or set it up so he could go to school too. She then offered him even more. Called him constantly telling him how fun it would all be with her in her town. I asked her as a sister to back off. At the same time I told son I would support him and love him whatever he did. Gave him my reasons for why I was against it. He was 21 so an adult but not self-supporting. He went to work for her and now a year and a half later he is still a low wage cook working tons of hours and living in my sis' basement. I'm hurt that she didn't consider my input at all. If a random stranger had asked him that would have been find. But she's my sister. She has guilted, paid and gifted all of her kids into college. None of them are allowed to work for her full time and can't work at all unless they're in school. I know he's an adult. I get that. But there have been many things that I have done for her over the years just because she's my sis. I have gotten up with my dh in the middle of the night and drove half way across the country because she had an emergency. I would never try to get one of her kids to do something she didn't want them to do unless I thought she was hurting them. And her kids are all young adults too. When you have that kind of relationship you expect the same kindnesses back.
This went up after I started typing my last post.

Yes, I would move on. Ultimately this was your son's decision and he made it. And, she is providing him with a job and a place to live--it's not even like she left him penniless and homeless after he moved up there.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:36 PM   #12
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during this time this sis fought dirty, told some lies and just made the whole thing worst. But we were always close and I can't imagine waiting til some awful time to work this out. If she would call it would be easier but she won't.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:37 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
This went up after I started typing my last post.

Yes, I would move on. Ultimately this was your son's decision and he made it. And, she is providing him with a job and a place to live--it's not even like she left him penniless and homeless after he moved up there.
I agree. Your son was old enough to make a decision. It is still not too late for him to go back to school if he chooses. At a certain age we can try to guide our children the way we think they should go but they have to make their own choices and unfortunately mistakes.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:40 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiggeroo View Post
My son was planning on going back to college after a time of "finding himself". During this time he worked in a very nice cafe who trained him as a chef. Sister was very happy with me that he made this decision. She was always upset that he wasn't in school. Sister decided to open a restaurant. Wanted son to come run it for her. I told her that would stop him from going to school. He doesn't want to go into restaurant work as a career choice. Sister got angry at me for asking her to not offer him lots of bribes to come work for her. I asked her to give him some time to sort things out or set it up so he could go to school too. She then offered him even more. Called him constantly telling him how fun it would all be with her in her town. I asked her as a sister to back off. At the same time I told son I would support him and love him whatever he did. Gave him my reasons for why I was against it. He was 21 so an adult but not self-supporting. He went to work for her and now a year and a half later he is still a low wage cook working tons of hours and living in my sis' basement. I'm hurt that she didn't consider my input at all. If a random stranger had asked him that would have been find. But she's my sister. She has guilted, paid and gifted all of her kids into college. None of them are allowed to work for her full time and can't work at all unless they're in school. I know he's an adult. I get that. But there have been many things that I have done for her over the years just because she's my sis. I have gotten up with my dh in the middle of the night and drove half way across the country because she had an emergency. I would never try to get one of her kids to do something she didn't want them to do unless I thought she was hurting them. And her kids are all young adults too. When you have that kind of relationship you expect the same kindnesses back.
I guess I'm not understanding why your 21 year old ds hasn't quit and gone back to school if he is truly unhappy there. Unless she is literally holding him hostage, I don't see how she is responsible for him staying there If this is the situation, yes I would make the peace. I can understand you not wanting your ds to go to work for her, but he is an adult and bears the responsibility for making the decision to do it, and the decision to continue working for her. This isn't all your sister's fault.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:40 PM   #15
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Yes, knowing the story, I would move on.

Your son was 21! He can do what he wishes. He can even quit and go back to school now. Why are you not more mad at your son for going against your wishes? He ALWAYS could have said no himself.
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