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Old 02-04-2013, 10:43 PM   #46
clutter
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Sorry that came out poorly. It's actually an inside joke and I should not have used it in a public forum with people who don't know me personally.
Double wow. As an inside joke, it's almost worse.
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Old 02-04-2013, 10:49 PM   #47
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not sure why all the jumping on the op.

I have 3 kids and if my 17 month old wasn't sleeping common sense would tell me to not let him sleep 2.5hours. And the only way to do that is wake him up.

Most children that age have some form of a schedule so it makes sense that the op's friend should be able to plan around it. or if she has plans for 2 and wants him up in time to go; make sure he lays down in time to do so. Its not rocket science.

Sounds like the op's friend is letting her child rule the roost. She really should get a grip on it before the second baby comes along.
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Old 02-04-2013, 11:10 PM   #48
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My least favorite thing about motherhood is the constant judging from moms of others parenting skills. I find it gets worse as the kids get older...
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Old 02-05-2013, 01:29 AM   #49
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Originally Posted by luvsJack View Post
not sure why all the jumping on the op.

I have 3 kids and if my 17 month old wasn't sleeping common sense would tell me to not let him sleep 2.5hours. And the only way to do that is wake him up.

Most children that age have some form of a schedule so it makes sense that the op's friend should be able to plan around it. or if she has plans for 2 and wants him up in time to go; make sure he lays down in time to do so. Its not rocket science.

Sounds like the op's friend is letting her child rule the roost. She really should get a grip on it before the second baby comes along.
Most parents are aware of the need for flexibility. Glad all your kids performed as expected. Many do not. If the OP wants to see her friend, she should go over there and help her do her laundry or clean her kitchen. Most of my meets with moms with little ones were in a home while the babies slept. I remember sitting in my best friend's living room folding several basket of laundry one afternoon, quietly talking and she fell asleep on the couch. I let her sleep-got her baby up when I heard him moving around upstairs and she got a great nap. She taught me how to comfort my cranky baby later and also how to mix cereal and make my own baby food. All this-my house, my baby slept through much of it.
OP-imho, you have unrealistic expectations of your friend. Help her instead of judging her. Never wake a sleeping baby, especially when it's the only sleep he's getting.
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Old 02-05-2013, 06:00 AM   #50
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I think it's very easy to second guess someone else's parenting choices.

One of the very first things every pregnant woman learns is that from now until the day her child gets married, people are going to be criticizing every single choice she makes. They'll call her names, and make snide remarks about her children.

The best of luck with your pregnancy. But my suggestion is not to start disparaging threads about your friend, but to concentrate on supporting her instead. There will be times when you need that same support from her. If she's stuck in the house with a sleeping child, I would think the easy thing for you to d would be to hop in the car and stop by for a cup of tea and a chat.

There are a few problems with parenting books. First of all, you don't have to have any parenting experience to write one. But, even moreso, the problem is that the children haven't read them. As a result, what works with the Stepford child in the book frequently doesn't work with real kids. You'll find that the mommy network can be the world's best source of real information on raising your kids.

As you'll soon learn, parenting a young child can be incredibly isolating. What you need, more than anything, is a real support group.

Why not suggest that the 2 of you join a mommy's group? If she really is that off base with her parenting, she'll see how other moms tackle the same issues. And it will put you into contact with other new moms in the area. Once your child is born, you'll appreciate that probably more than you now realize.

For what it's worth, I don't agree with all your friend's choices. But that doesn't mean I think she's doing a bad job of parenting, just that her choices are different than mine. It's kind of like planning for Disney; what works for you may not work for me, but that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.

Be patient, and learn from the things you think your friend is doing right, as well as what you think she's doing wrong. But, most of all, be there to support her. Help battle that isolation that gets even worse in winter when you're stuck inside. Be there, and reserve judgement. That's the single best gift you can give any mom.
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Old 02-05-2013, 06:19 AM   #51
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Nothing wrong with what you said.
Really? You must feel that way then.
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:21 AM   #52
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:42 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by shortbun

Most parents are aware of the need for flexibility. Glad all your kids performed as expected. Many do not. If the OP wants to see her friend, she should go over there and help her do her laundry or clean her kitchen. Most of my meets with moms with little ones were in a home while the babies slept. I remember sitting in my best friend's living room folding several basket of laundry one afternoon, quietly talking and she fell asleep on the couch. I let her sleep-got her baby up when I heard him moving around upstairs and she got a great nap. She taught me how to comfort my cranky baby later and also how to mix cereal and make my own baby food. All this-my house, my baby slept through much of it.
OP-imho, you have unrealistic expectations of your friend. Help her instead of judging her. Never wake a sleeping baby, especially when it's the only sleep he's getting.
Lol my kids hardly performed as expected.
I am sure that the op could indeed be a little understanding but Otoh this is not an infant. When a 17 month old is up in the middle of the night to be changed and to play there is an issue there that has nothing to do with the child.

If the op's friend is waking this child up at night and letting him take long naps during the day then her lack of sleep is of her own doing.

If we were talking about an infant, that would be entirely different. Never wake a sleeping baby is true when you are talking about an infant but unless you plan to spend years without sleep, with one the age of this child its best to try change things around until you find what works.

The op may could be more supportive of her friend but that doesn't mean she is totally wrong either. Her friend is a new mom of 17 months not really so much different than the op. And if the friend is having another baby it would be in her best interest to figure out what will help her and her child get some restful sleep.
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:46 AM   #54
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Really? You must feel that way then.
Yes. For the most part.
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:46 AM   #55
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There is no way that I would get my daughter up when she was a year and a half old just to change her diaper. And there is really no way that I would stay up and play with her until she fell asleep. I have friends who will lie down with their children and stay with them until they fall asleep. That isn't for me, either. When I put my daughter to bed, that is my time that I like to spend with my husband. But, I try to tell myself that what works for me doesn't work for everyone and that just because I wouldn't do it, doesn't mean others don't find it works best for them. Not an easy mindset for me to achieve since I am one of those people (re: humans) who has to work hard at realizing I'm not right all the time.

I would be annoyed with my friend constantly cancelling on me, even though I completely agree that I wouldn't want to wake a sleeping baby. It would annoy me because, well, I am viewing things from my perspective and I had plans, likely bowed out on other things, and now I'm sitting at home doing nothing. Maybe, instead of making definitive plans, you could suggest that the two of you plan to go to dinner but don't set a time. Tell her to call you when the baby wakes up. That way, she isn't always cancelling on you and she can also let the baby sleep.
The idea is to have as little interaction with the baby once they are put to bed. Let them get used to soothing themselves. If one does need a feeding or changing dim lighting and as little bit of talking as possible. Don't make it a fun time. Playing is for the daytime. As far as needing a diaper change there are some great overnight diapers should last through the night with most kids.

Nap times can be tricky. I know my first never slept anywhere but in a crib. Never in the car like every other baby I knew! Trying to keep him on a regular napping schedule was a pain, but made life easier.

I am surprised with all the people that said don't wake a sleeping baby. If mine napped too long I would open their door and gradually make more noise around the house until they woke on their own. If the baby sleeps all day chances are good he will be up all night.
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:49 AM   #56
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Double wow. As an inside joke, it's almost worse.
If I heard my child care provider say that, I would fire him/her so fast their head would spin. What an incredibly insulting and stupid thing to say, even in jest.
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Old 02-05-2013, 08:07 AM   #57
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OP I get that it is frutrating but I suggest bringing lunch to her while the baby naps if that works. And just think of how tired you are, well she is pregnant and dealing with another child.

Observe and learn but dont judge. The one advice I give to new moms is "Never say never". Oh I am never going to rock my baby to sleep, oh I am never going to feed them that etc. Bc all those things could back fire, maybe not kid #1 but maybe with kid#2. I thought I was the best parent around until DS10 came along and he didnt sleep, had sensory issues with eating etc. There were times I did whatever it took!
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Old 02-05-2013, 08:07 AM   #58
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Originally Posted by hegsag
My least favorite thing about motherhood is the constant judging from moms of others parenting skills. I find it gets worse as the kids get older...
It does unfortunately. If people would just worry about their own issues and know that everyone makes some great and some not so great choices and that what works for one doesn't naturally work for the next.
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Old 02-05-2013, 08:12 AM   #59
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There is no way that I would get my daughter up when she was a year and a half old just to change her diaper. And there is really no way that I would stay up and play with her until she fell asleep.
I changed my son in the middle of the night every night until he was potty trained. He was a deep sleeper and had very sensitive skin. If I didn't change him in the middle of the night he got horrible diaper rash. (I did not keep him up for "play time" and many nights he slept through the changing, though.)

I agree with some others that the mom doesn't sound like she's letting the child walk all over her "snowflake style." It sounds like she's making decisions for him, but they aren't the decisions you'd make and maybe aren't very consistent. Sounds like a difference in parenting style -- and a frustrating one if she's prone to complain about things. But I'll also tell you that my Child #2 is completely opposite of Child #1, so all the stuff I "thought I knew" about parenting went out the window with #2. All children are different and you've got to figure out what works for you.

My husband's cousin is raising a snowflake, I think. They don't live near us, but came to visit a couple of years ago. All decisions made on the trip (what to eat, where to go, etc.) were based on the whim of the 3 year old (I'll call him T). We all planned to go out to dinner and had reserved a large table. When we got to the restaurant, T decided he wanted to sit at a small table on the other side of the restaurant. He threw a little fit (but not even a big one) and his parents rushed to accommodate him. They ended up sitting at the small table and the rest of us sat at the original table -- so we didn't get to visit at all. Another time, my MIL was preparing lunch for the group. T insisted that he wanted McDonald's, so they left the house to go get him McD's. Then, he refused to eat either the prepared lunch *or* the McD's... so they let him have graham crackers for lunch, because that's what he wanted. Another time, the adults had made the decision that we would consolidate cars to go someplace and the out-of-towners would ride with someone else. They switched T's carseat to a different car. Then he decided he didn't want to ride in someone else's car. He pitched a huge fit about that, and they ended up moving his car seat back to their car and following someone. Those are all cases where I would have told my children "This is not your decision. This is the way it's going to be." I haven't seen T in over a year and he has now started kindergarten... but I have heard via family who lives closer that he's still kind of a terror. It wasn't just the "terrible threes"... but, her kid, her decisions.... and I just bite my tongue.
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Old 02-05-2013, 08:35 AM   #60
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I changed my son in the middle of the night every night until he was potty trained. He was a deep sleeper and had very sensitive skin. If I didn't change him in the middle of the night he got horrible diaper rash. (I did not keep him up for "play time" and many nights he slept through the changing, though.)

I agree with some others that the mom doesn't sound like she's letting the child walk all over her "snowflake style." It sounds like she's making decisions for him, but they aren't the decisions you'd make and maybe aren't very consistent. Sounds like a difference in parenting style -- and a frustrating one if she's prone to complain about things. But I'll also tell you that my Child #2 is completely opposite of Child #1, so all the stuff I "thought I knew" about parenting went out the window with #2. All children are different and you've got to figure out what works for you.
I changed my girls in the middle of the night too. Sensitive skin is not something you want to play around with. I agree with everything else you wrote too.
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