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Old 02-01-2013, 12:29 PM   #1
Mac4life30
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Question Question to all parents.

Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:33 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Mac4life30 View Post
Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.
I feel pretty certain that not every Hispanic person lives within 10 miles of their parents. As an adult, you need to do what is best for YOU. That's how life works. Parents should want their children to be happy. If you would be happy in Orlando, then go and be happy.

ETA: DH and I moved to another state very suddenly before our one year wedding anniversary. Our family was not thrilled, but they knew DH had a great opportunity here and that we needed to take advantage of it. They used to bug us about moving back home, but now they know that we'd be crazy to give up the life we have now, so they don't even mention it anymore.

It's not like your moving to the moon. You'd still be in Florida, and you can always visit each other.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:37 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac4life30 View Post
Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.
No.

However, my father (son of a Polish immigrant) lived with his mother until he married my mother. When I decided to move away after college (literally, from NJ to DC) he FLIPPED OUT and did not speak to me for a year. A YEAR! He thought I was being ungrateful and, even worse, disrespectful. My mother, luckily, supported me (not financially - supported my actions.)

I tried to explain that it was right for me, normal, etc. and he wouldn't hear it. He still gets mad talking about it sometimes. And I'm 44 -- this wasn't in the 1950s or something.

Do what is right for you. Best of luck.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:37 PM   #4
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My mother laid HUGE guilt on me when I moved (at 26) from New York to North Carolina. I was the first person EVER in our large Italian family to move more than 20 miles away from the fam. My mother had a very hard time dealing with it. I think she felt betrayed a bit..how could I do this to her? You know? But 10 years later they've all adjusted. You have to live your life and do what you gotta do.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:39 PM   #5
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Good lord no. But it sounds like it's more of a cultural thing for the mother.

Do what's best for you. Your mother will adjust and you'll be happier with the decision. It probably won't be an easy road. Guilt trips aren't fun.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:41 PM   #6
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We live 300+ miles from our parents. We subscribe to the belief that your job as a parent is to give your child the foundation to make it on his/her own. Both my husband's and my parents are always there if we need support, but we've both been told more than once that us living far from "home" and establishing our own lives is their greatest success.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:42 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac4life30 View Post
Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.
OK, Im Hispanic, a female, and from down here as well. I can tell you that when I decided to move from Dade county to Broward, my mother had a fit! I totally relate to your situation. My parents, however, wouldn't make me feel ungrateful, but they ARE EXTREMEMLY grateful that we all live in S Florida.

I think we all know you aren't ungrateful . Im going to assume your parents are Cuban (but I might be wrong). You know how Cuban. They were raised with uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews, etc. Its hard for older Cubans to understand how it can be different.

If you really want to move, you just need to do it. Eventually, they will calm down , although at first it will be a fight LOL. They may give you a hard time but at the end of the day, their hispanic roots would never just ignore you. They will get over it. Just be prepared for guilt trips at each holiday if you don't come down to visit LOL!
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:43 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac4life30 View Post
Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.
As a parent? I want what was best for my son. I want him to be happy and to make good choices for his life.

If those choices move him farther away from me, that's fine. My son is 19. If he were to come home tonight and tell me he's moving to Florida (we're in Illinois), I would be fine, IF it were a great job prospect.

If you're moving just to move, as a parent I would try to help you see if whether it's a logical decision (i.e. good financial decision) or an emotional one.

And Miami to Orlando? Really? That's only 3 1/2 hours -- just far enough to have to plan your visits. We've been married 23 years and have never lived less than a 14-hour drive from my parents. I grew up in the same town my parents grew up in (same high school), and I was the first of our whole extended family to move away. While they were unhappy we weren't closer, we made it work.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:46 PM   #9
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I expect my kids will move away and no, I don't consider them ungrateful. My sophomore in college is already hoping not to come home for more than visits anymore. I think that is pretty normal. We've told him his room will be available to him, but if he can support himself living elsewhere and still have money to contribute to college we'll give him emotional support.

I moved away from my parents, my parents moved away from theirs. To us, it's the norm.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:46 PM   #10
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I grew up in a very small town, and I was just itching to get out of there. When I did, my mother threw a huge guilt trip at me and made it all about her. My DH is in academia, and we have the opportunity to travel far and wide for his career. In fact, we're moving to France next year. My mom is P-O'd but it's not about her.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:50 PM   #11
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I don't know that it's a Hispanic thing. My mother would have been horrified had I moved too far away from her. My DSis lived half way across the country and, while DM did not make her feel ungrateful, it was certainly no secret that she would have preferred her closer to home.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:51 PM   #12
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NO - to answer your question!!

Both of my adult sons are in the Air Force and live many many many miles away from us.......... one is in hawaii - so, even less chance of seeing him often - you have to do what is BEST for YOU - ultimately it's YOUR life, your Mom will just have to adjust and hopefully realize that as a man you have to make your own way - and hopefully she'll support you on that.
Good Luck and best wishes to your mom - I know how she feels, it's hard, it's heartbreaking and it makes her feel sad, I hope YOU recognize that and be gentle with her and CALL her OFTEN!!!
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:54 PM   #13
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I assume my kids will do what is best for THEM as adults, and that will probably include moving away.

DD16 plans to return to the US for college and hopes to work there or in Canada eventually.

DS14 wants to work in tourism and may be more or less a nomad ( or at least that is what he is thinking at this point )

As for us? Ew do not even live on the same continent as our parents anymore.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:55 PM   #14
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I was grateful when he left

Actually I was sad but I was also happy I did a good enough job that he felt secure & comfortable enough to strike out on his own. Ungrateful never even crossed my mind.
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Old 02-01-2013, 01:04 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac4life30 View Post
Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.
I wouldn't, but I can undertand your mom. I am Chinese, our cultural is very similar to yours. Some people even stay after they got married.

This is not right or wrong. It's really just cultural difference. Communication is the key. Make the effort to let her know you will be around and still loves her. It must be hard for her as it is for you.
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