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Old 01-28-2013, 07:51 AM   #1
DisneyGuy758
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Troubled Teenager

Let me put this out here first. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not trolling for advice (all is welcome of course though). I'm writing this to simply vent.

When I met my wife, she had a two year old son. His father never wanted anything to do with him. Even later on in his life when he was older, he still shunned him. Luckily for us, he lives in NC and nowhere near us.

He's always had anger issues. He can't let anything go. It just festers and builds in him and he only gets madder and madder...even if you leave him alone. He will get violent too at times. I've had plenty of things thrown at my, so has my wife. I do not get physical with him as I don't need any of THAT coming back on me. If he attempts to throw something heavy at me or anyone else however, I will do what is necessary to stop that from happening. I've had doors slammed on almost every part of my body. I've been pushed numerous times. Never truly hit though. He is also ADHD so that doesn't help matters any.

He's 13 now and his anger has grown. Though, I do have to say that it has gotten a bit better in the last year or so, he still has moments where the only thing to do (for the safety of his brothers; 6 and 1) is call the police to have him removed from the house and brought to the hospital (where they do NOTHING...and by nothing I mean absolutely, positively nothing.) and then is sent home.

He has been to a special hospital downstate (Four Winds in Saratoga, NY) twice. The adjust meds properly and do some evaluation sessions and so on...

He's not the best student in the world, so we try to limit distractions at school...like bringing his Nintendo DS. We do allow him to bring his iPod as we feel it's an ok escape. This morning he tried to smuggle his DS with him. He was caught. We didn't take it from him, just out of his bag. He got mad and stormed off to his room. I tried to coax him out so he could make the bus (this happened about ten minutes before it was supposed to come...of course, huh?) but nothing. My wife called his Intensive Case Manager (Kevin) to see what he could do. He said he would stop by to bring him to school. It was at that point I had to leave for work. After I got to work, I got a text from my wife that Kevin was unsuccessful...and told her to call him in as truant. So she did. A while later the Vice Principal called and he refused to talk to anyone. Hands over ears and covers over his head in bed.

Ugh.

I'm at my breaking point with all this. I love my wife and family...but I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of walking on egg shells wondering what will be the next thing to set him off. It's not fair for my other sons. It's not fair for me.

So that's it....yup.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:00 AM   #2
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I'm so very sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you and your family.

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Old 01-28-2013, 08:06 AM   #3
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Any chance this boy is bipolar? I ask because my DS26 was EXACTLY like this from about age 13-18. The anger was waaaay beyond normal teen stuff. Extremely oppositional, he seemed to relish the chaos he brought to our home. He never missed an opportunity to tell me he hated me and hoped I'd wake up dead. He stopped short of actually threatening me. At one point it got so bad we nearly put him.in foster care, all but the final signatures.

What does his psychiatrist say, assuming he has one? Wehn I worked in a tough middle school, about 15% of our kids had probation officers, many due to chronic truancy. Some ended up in juvenile hall. Perhaps it is time to look at those options.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:08 AM   #4
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Very sorry for what you are going through
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:12 AM   #5
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I am so sorry that you are going through this too.

I have a friend who has a daughter that she has had all kinds of problems with. Just recently they have sent her to some kind of boarding school for troubled teens and I was told that she is doing very well there.

This child was adopted when she was about 2 or 3. They are the picture perfect family. Sometimes no matter what you do it's not enough and they dont listen. I know it was hard for my friend to do that, but they had to do what was best for the whole family. It's amazing how one child can bring a whole family down if they have issues like that.

Have you talked to your wife about getting some outside help like that? If not, it may be time to start looking into it. He is only going to get bigger and stronger and that could be dangerous in your home.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:14 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by minkydog View Post
Any chance this boy is bipolar? I ask because my DS26 was EXACTLY like this from about age 13-18. The anger was waaaay beyond normal teen stuff. Extremely oppositional, he seemed to relish the chaos he brought to our home. He never missed an opportunity to tell me he hated me and hoped I'd wake up dead. He stopped short of actually threatening me. At one point it got so bad we nearly put him.in foster care, all but the final signatures.

What does his psychiatrist say, assuming he has one? Wehn I worked in a tough middle school, about 15% of our kids had probation officers, many due to chronic truancy. Some ended up in juvenile hall. Perhaps it is time to look at those options.
I've always wondered that myself...but it's never been diagnosed by his Psychiatrist.

To me, the classic symptoms of it are there. Extreme mood swings....super angry (like this) and then almost back to normal.

The biggest part of it all is him not letting anything go. Our six year old will get angry, yell scream and kick things...but within a few minutes, he's calm and somewhat back to normal. With the 13 year old...it can sometimes take an entire day to be 'normal'.


Foster care has been on my mind. At times it seems like the only option. I don't know how his mother would take it though. She had a hard time dropping him off at the special hospital.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:17 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wdwmom0f3 View Post
Have you talked to your wife about getting some outside help like that? If not, it may be time to start looking into it. He is only going to get bigger and stronger and that could be dangerous in your home.
Right now, for our county, he's getting all the help he can get. Regular psych visits, med checks, and his ICM. Like I said, he has been getting better...but there are times like this where it all comes back at full steam....though today wasn't FULL steam...it's been MUCH worse than this.

Our one year old has diarrhea (just what everyone wanted to hear, I know...) today so he's staying home with my wife. Just what she needs to deal with...haha.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:18 AM   #8
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My son went through this at that same age. It was a nightmare. It was a combination of many things and we were at the end of our tether. I feel for you and your wife. Please know that you are not alone.

My son is now a senior in High School and is a completely different kid. Our solution.....THERAPY, THERAPY, THERAPY! Sometimes it was just DS, or DS and is sister. It was family therapy, or just myself and him. It worked. Sometimes it was twice a week. Three years of intense therapy worked. Good luck with what you decide to do.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:20 AM   #9
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I am very sorry for what you are going through.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:35 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by minkydog View Post
Any chance this boy is bipolar? I ask because my DS26 was EXACTLY like this from about age 13-18. The anger was waaaay beyond normal teen stuff. Extremely oppositional, he seemed to relish the chaos he brought to our home. He never missed an opportunity to tell me he hated me and hoped I'd wake up dead. He stopped short of actually threatening me. At one point it got so bad we nearly put him.in foster care, all but the final signatures.

What does his psychiatrist say, assuming he has one? Wehn I worked in a tough middle school, about 15% of our kids had probation officers, many due to chronic truancy. Some ended up in juvenile hall. Perhaps it is time to look at those options.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DisneyGuy758 View Post
I've always wondered that myself...but it's never been diagnosed by his Psychiatrist.

To me, the classic symptoms of it are there. Extreme mood swings....super angry (like this) and then almost back to normal.

The biggest part of it all is him not letting anything go. Our six year old will get angry, yell scream and kick things...but within a few minutes, he's calm and somewhat back to normal. With the 13 year old...it can sometimes take an entire day to be 'normal'.


Foster care has been on my mind. At times it seems like the only option. I don't know how his mother would take it though. She had a hard time dropping him off at the special hospital.
This is the first thing that I thought of. Maybe you can suggest it to the doctor?? Good luck. Mental illnesses are so hard to diagnose or deal with or get any one to help you with. Not enough awareness of help for it out there yet. So sad.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:44 AM   #11
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You mentioned that he's working with a psychiatrist. Is the family doing counseling as well as a whole?

DS had similar troubles around that age (also ADHD) but it was when my husband was deployed -- and he started cutting himself.

I found that the sessions with the therapist not only helped him (and my daughter, who is 5 1/2 years younger), but also gave me tools and cues to use in order to manage my reactions better, which often helped diffuse something that could have exploded.

Best wishes. I so often wish that each of the kids came with their own instruction manual.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:51 AM   #12
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I've experienced 3 out of 4 of my kids with mental health issues and the support team is the most important part. My dd now 21 had huge issues starting when she was 10. She was diagnosised with depression for about 2 years put on meds that didn't work. She had a mental breakdown at 12 and we changed psychiatrists. The new psychiatrist felt it was a bi-polar diagnosis that was less manic and more depressive. Changed her meds and it was a new kid. She is on lithium.

So, my question to you are you utterly completely have faith in the psychiatrist and therapists that he is with that is the main thing. Some times we get lured into a false sense of they know what they are doing because they are Medical doctors. It is not true. I spent 3 yrs thinking the psychiatrists my dd was with were doing the right thing for her; they weren't they missed the boat.

With mental health issues the correct meds are worth their weight in gold. Prayers to you.
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:02 AM   #13
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I'm sorry.

He sounds so very angry. He's been through stuff at a young age I am guessing. With the abandonment issues. Not excuses though. Please don't take this the wrong way and I am sure you were just venting- but perhaps he feels the push away. Maybe he senses you guys want him gone. Is your wife dealing with him?

I really have no advice. Please don't let him hear you discussing Foster Care for him. I agree with finding a new psychiatrist.
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:17 AM   #14
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Your family will be in my prayers.
Mental health care in this country (or lack thereof) is one of the biiggest issues facing us.
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:25 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DisneyGuy758 View Post
Right now, for our county, he's getting all the help he can get. Regular psych visits, med checks, and his ICM..
Is he getting any private care, as well? Most folks I know who have children with special needs have to pay OOP to get the services the children need. Foster care is the absolute last last step - I don't see much good that could come for the boy in a foster care situation.

Have you looked into respite care? I know of a couple of families in similar situations who have a caregiver who takes the child for a bit if he or she goes too far.
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