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Old 01-30-2013, 11:05 AM   #31
Marionnette
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NotUrsula View Post
I'd send some money as well (because if her clothing is too small, her underclothing will be, too, poor kid), but with your ESIL so inclined to re-appropriate funds, I wouldn't send a check, but a gift card to a place that mostly only sells clothing. Old Navy or Kohl's would probably be a good option.

If the shirts/sweaters or skirts that you send are a bit too large, she can probably still wear them, but that is harder to do with pants because of the length. I'd also consider sending a kit of sewing basics that she can use to take a tuck here or there if needed. (Even if she doesn't really know how to sew, necessity is the mother of invention, and the odds are she will speak to her friends and find her own way to alter them in a way that works for her needs.)

Also, tell your brother that unless he is paying the support through a court-verified holding account, he needs to be getting receipts for those advance payments that state that they were advances on regular support payments, because it will be very easy for her to claim that those payments were extra gifts for DD's needed clothing, and that the regular support in the following months was not paid.

As to who puts a kid in the middle of support discussions, I'm guessing that might not really have been the case. It may be that she overheard her mother talking to someone about the rent situation. As a kid she can't really earn money of her own very easily, but she knows that her dad pays her mom support, so that could just be DN trying on her own to help keep the roof overhead.
Good idea about the undergarments. I didn't think about her outgrowing those as well, so I'm sure that my brother didn't even give it a passing thought. I think that I'll send money to my parents so that Grandma can take her lingerie shopping some weekend. A gift card to ANY store becomes a shopping spree for the ex. She even told my brother to purchase pants with a 27" waist and Misses size small tops for my niece. There's no way that the kid wears a Misses size in anything, but her mother does. The ex has even been known to return gifts for the children for store credit and then spend it on herself. That's one of the reasons that I'm not sending anything new for my niece.

My brother is not paying support through the court. The support agreement is that he writes a check to his ex every two weeks. He writes "child support for dd/mm/yy" in the comments. I don't know if this covers his butt well enough or not. He tells me that he is paying more than the state mandated amount for his income level because his lawyer did not want my brother to deal with child support being revisited.

Full custody is another story and way too complicated to get into.
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Old 01-30-2013, 11:09 AM   #32
PollyannaMom
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Originally Posted by Marionnette View Post
Knowing my former SIL, she will take the clothes that don't fit to a consignment shop and pocket the money! If anything, it will give her reason to think that she doesn't need to buy any clothes for my niece.

This whole conversation came about because my brother was driving his daughter to school the other morning and she was going on and on about needing clothes that fit. Then she (my niece) asked if he could pay the child support early because "we need to pay the rent". Who puts a child in the middle of child support discussions?!!!!

This is after my brother scraped together the money to pay all of February's child support two weeks ago because his ex was behind on the rent for December and January and then bought my niece two new pairs of jeans following the incident at school. He doesn't have the spare cash to pay for March's child support or even get new sneakers for the kids - which my niece also needs and I'm suggesting that my parents take her out for her upcoming birthday to get them.
(bolding mine) That is so sad!!

It sounds like your BIL lives close enough to get the things to her, so I would go ahead and the send the clothes to HIS address, and just let her go through them while she is visiting him and see what fits/what she likes. As you said, they can always save things for her to grow into or donate anything she can't wear.
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Old 01-30-2013, 11:15 AM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marionnette View Post
Good idea about the undergarments. I didn't think about her outgrowing those as well, so I'm sure that my brother didn't even give it a passing thought. I think that I'll send money to my parents so that Grandma can take her lingerie shopping some weekend. A gift card to ANY store becomes a shopping spree for the ex. She even told my brother to purchase pants with a 27" waist and Misses size small tops for my niece. There's no way that the kid wears a Misses size in anything, but her mother does. The ex has even been known to return gifts for the children for store credit and then spend it on herself. That's one of the reasons that I'm not sending anything new for my niece.

My brother is not paying support through the court. The support agreement is that he writes a check to his ex every two weeks. He writes "child support for dd/mm/yy" in the comments. I don't know if this covers his butt well enough or not. He tells me that he is paying more than the state mandated amount for his income level because his lawyer did not want my brother to deal with child support being revisited.

Full custody is another story and way too complicated to get into.
BBM. He may want to have a brief visit with his attorney to:
1. Update on current situation (ex is requesting advance support)
2. Make certain that the payment arrangements he is currently using are adequate to cover him as proof he has paid support.
3. Get advice on how to handle future requests for advance support
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Old 02-04-2013, 05:38 PM   #34
Marionnette
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I just wanted to post an update. I ended up sending some Girl's Size 14 and 14-Slim clothing out for my niece. My daughter is a bit of a clotheshorse and she had almost a dozen pairs of jeans in those sizes.

My brother texted me that my niece took the clothes back to her mother's house after her weekend with him. She tried them on this afternoon and informed him that the jeans were too big but the tops fit okay. I had also sent out some gently-used sneakers in her size but she told him that the shoes were too big and "floppy". Of course, she wants new Chuck Taylors and jeans from Juicy Couture, so I'm thinking that those labels might be contributing to her size issues.

My brother is appreciative of the help but I don't know if I'll go through the effort of washing, folding and shipping another parcel of clothes out for her. In many ways, she is her mother's daughter. I do love my niece, but I'm thinking that the clothes would find better use if I take them to the clothing donation bin at my church.

But I do want to thank everyone who offered advice on sizes. I don't know if my ex-SIL was clueless about the child's sizes and measurements or if she intentionally mislead my brother when he asked her. Either way, he's no better off than he was before I sent the clothes out. In fact, it has re-opened the "I need to go clothes shopping" dialogue with my niece. And that's a conversation that he is tired of having.
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