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Old 01-29-2013, 07:39 AM   #61
SaraJayne
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Originally Posted by Granny square View Post
Lol, no need to cover the "plate?"

I am all about supporting my friends and family and am pro marriage in general. But I think after the first, you lose the pull of the extra people. If I remarried I wouldn't invite the old ladies from my moms church who attended my first wedding.

Others can feel differently and invite whomever they choose. And those people can decide whether to pony up for a gift again. ( because not gifting when you attend is rude.)
I believe the "cover your plate" nonsense is a Dis phenomenon. I've never heard of it anywhere else and neither has my sister, who is currently planning a wedding and is on every wedding board you can imagine.

ETA: Interestingly enough, I just googled "cover your plate" to see what would come up. The consensus seems to be it was a myth started by greedy brides (who continue to believe it is a "thing" even after their own weddings) and no such thing exists in wedding etiquette.

Last edited by SaraJayne; 01-29-2013 at 07:47 AM.
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Old 01-29-2013, 07:57 AM   #62
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Originally Posted by sam_gordon View Post
I think many people are missing that no one is saying a 2nd (or 3rd, 4th, or 5th) wedding isn't special to the couple. It's the guests who see a drop in "importance". Do couples celebrate their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. anniversaries they same way they do the first?

Regarding birthdays, when our oldest had her first birthday, we had grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. One aunt and cousin even flew in from New York. Since then, "not so much". I know my parents haven't been to one birthday party for our youngest. Our middle child had one birthday where it was us, one aunt, and one friend (and mom). Does that mean their birthdays aren't special to them and us? No. Were we hurt & disappointed? Yes. But I do think subsequent celebrations "drop" in importance.
Agree on all points.

And in my experience, cover your plate is not a Dis thing, it's been around since I was a kid. It's not part of wedding etiquette, but rather something people are aware of to help the couple out.

Last edited by SpecialK; 01-29-2013 at 08:34 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 01-29-2013, 07:58 AM   #63
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaraJayne

I believe the "cover your plate" nonsense is a Dis phenomenon. I've never heard of it anywhere else and neither has my sister, who is currently planning a wedding and is on every wedding board you can imagine.

ETA: Interestingly enough, I just googled "cover your plate" to see what would come up. The consensus seems to be it was a myth started by greedy brides (who continue to believe it is a "thing" even after their own weddings) and no such thing exists in wedding etiquette.
Only on the DIS do people assume that this small group of people represents the rest of the world. LOL!

Cover your plate is very common here in my city, and pretty much everyone does it.

Just because one does not know of something or experience it for one's self, does not make it untrue or invalid. That is a very insular way of thinking...

This thread is all over the place, IMHO, as OP asked second marriages which are not the same as weddings. A wedding is a party and a marriage is a relationship. Two different things being discussed...

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Last edited by Tiger926; 05-29-2013 at 07:51 PM.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:01 AM   #64
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Originally Posted by Tiger926 View Post
Only on the DIS do people assume that this small group of people represents the rest of the world. LOL!

Cover your plate is very common here in my very ethnic Canadian city, and pretty much everyone does it.

Just because one does not know of something or experience it for one's self, does not make it untrue or invalid. That is a very insular way of thinking...

This thread is all over the place, IMHO, as OP asked second marriages which are not the same as weddings. A wedding is a party and a marriage is a relationship. Two different things being discussed...

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Yeah, I'm from the Northeast US, and I've always heard the cover your plate thing.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:28 AM   #65
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So, my take away from this thread is since it's my first marriage and his second, all the gifts belong to me. After all, it's apparently more significant for me. But wait, he was a widower, so wouldn't have been available for a second marriage normally. Does that increase the significance?


Before you jump on me, those were his words, not mine, and he offered me custody of his children along with the gifts. (It's been one of those days around here.)
I think this is where "it depends on the circumstances" comes in.

There's a difference between "this is my DH's 2nd marriage because he was widowed the first time" and "Yes I'm getting married for the 5th time because I cheated on my 4 previous spouses but I really think this one is going to stick".

PS-cover your plate is a guideline people, not a requirement.
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Old 01-29-2013, 10:32 AM   #66
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Originally Posted by teacherforhi View Post
So, my take away from this thread is since it's my first marriage and his second, all the gifts belong to me. After all, it's apparently more significant for me. But wait, he was a widower, so wouldn't have been available for a second marriage normally. Does that increase the significance?[snip]
Technically, yes to the bolded. Bridal gifts are by tradition intended for the bride's use, as she is presumed to be the chatelaine of the couple's home. This of course presumes that one is speaking of traditional bridal gifts, which are real objects, not currency. In Western Society, the bridal gifts traditionally take the place of a dowry; the groom gets the pleasure of having them used for his benefit, but the wealth that they represent accrues to her, and if they divorce after some years of marriage, she would traditionally keep all those household goods.

See, this is where the tradition of a formal wedding and the modern take on wedding gifts clash. The point of having a full-blown wedding with guests providing gifts is to equip a separate family household; as traditional gifts are durable goods, that normally only needs to be done once in a lifetime unless a home burns to the ground or gets flattened by freaky weather. Cash is fungible; you use it up, and that is where people get confused and think that it is logical to get more cash if you get married a second time -- because they don't realize that a wedding gift isn't supposed to be just a present to make you feel good, but a stake in creating a separate family household. If you already have a separate family household, you wouldn't normally need that kind of start.

A situation such as yours is a bit unusual these days, as with modern medicine not as many men are widowed when their children are still young. A hundred years ago the practice in such cases was that while he had a home and all the goods that it contained, his new bride would get new household goods as gifts, and the ones that had been left by his late wife would be put into storage to be kept for the eldest daughter, or for a son to give to his own bride in time. (There is a standard perception in western culture that a widow or widower who remarries needs to try to let the second spouse have the choice to live in a space that, insofar as possible, is free of constant visible reminders of his or her predecessor's tastes and habits.)
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Old 01-29-2013, 10:57 AM   #67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiger926

A wedding is a party and a marriage is a relationship. Two different things being discussed...

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Absolutely agree.

Lol, will disagree on the "only on the dis" statement though. People usually believe their experiences are the norm and that the outside ones they are exposed to are in some way confined to that situation. my experience, anyway.

I grew up in a little town, and people had small weddings. Never would there been a question of plate covering. However we had cousins in the northeast who had totally different exposures. Lol, together we were pretty well rounded!
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Old 01-29-2013, 11:21 AM   #68
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I think the logic is flawed. If you can't even get the first one to work, what makes you think the 2nd one will?

Statistics show that a 2nd marriage is more likely to end in divorce than even a first marriage.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...hird-marriages

And, you better believe I am not shelling out the same kind of time, money, or effort to get to the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th marriage of someone as I did the first.

I have friends on their 3rd and 4th marriage, most already have issues with the new one.

But what do I know? I am on my First marriage and only married 18 years and still am very committed to our marriage.

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Originally Posted by smkiya View Post
This is a question based on the response that I saw in another thread from people who think second marriages/weddings are not as significant as the first.

If someone is getting married for the second time, they should know what to expect and be better prepared than they were the first time. We learn from our mistakes, right? (most of us anyway)

So with that logic, if someone is getting married for the second time, wouldn't the second marriage be more significant?
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Old 01-29-2013, 11:28 AM   #69
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If you can't even get the first one to work, what makes you think the 2nd one will?

Dawn
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Old 01-29-2013, 11:32 AM   #70
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Originally Posted by NotUrsula View Post
Technically, yes to the bolded. Bridal gifts are by tradition intended for the bride's use, as she is presumed to be the chatelaine of the couple's home. This of course presumes that one is speaking of traditional bridal gifts, which are real objects, not currency. In Western Society, the bridal gifts traditionally take the place of a dowry; the groom gets the pleasure of having them used for his benefit, but the wealth that they represent accrues to her, and if they divorce after some years of marriage, she would traditionally keep all those household goods.

See, this is where the tradition of a formal wedding and the modern take on wedding gifts clash. The point of having a full-blown wedding with guests providing gifts is to equip a separate family household; as traditional gifts are durable goods, that normally only needs to be done once in a lifetime unless a home burns to the ground or gets flattened by freaky weather. Cash is fungible; you use it up, and that is where people get confused and think that it is logical to get more cash if you get married a second time -- because they don't realize that a wedding gift isn't supposed to be just a present to make you feel good, but a stake in creating a separate family household. If you already have a separate family household, you wouldn't normally need that kind of start.

A situation such as yours is a bit unusual these days, as with modern medicine not as many men are widowed when their children are still young. A hundred years ago the practice in such cases was that while he had a home and all the goods that it contained, his new bride would get new household goods as gifts, and the ones that had been left by his late wife would be put into storage to be kept for the eldest daughter, or for a son to give to his own bride in time. (There is a standard perception in western culture that a widow or widower who remarries needs to try to let the second spouse have the choice to live in a space that, insofar as possible, is free of constant visible reminders of his or her predecessor's tastes and habits.)
Thank you for writing all this! It's really fascinating and makes total sense. I especially like the whole concept of friends and family having a stake in setting up a new household/family.
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Old 01-29-2013, 11:38 AM   #71
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I was a 2nd time bride who married a 1st time groom. We had small intimate wedding at WDW with 9 family members. No showers or gifts were expected since they had to travel. Much to my mom's chagrin, I wore a simple, but white gown (picture below). The cost of the event was about the same as my first wedding 8 years prior with 50 people, but I enjoyed it alot more. My groom would have been just as happy with a trip to the Justice of the Peace during a lunch hour, but he was a good sport and compromised with our wedding at our honeymoon location. 12 years later we have no regrets. BTW - my first lasted 6 - no kids.
I think low key is acceptable for 2nd marriages for the bride. The big frufru dress and eleborate party are for 1st time brides, imho. But that doesn't make it any less 'special'. As an aside, I am glad that wedding invitation ettiquette has changed so that the bride isn't referred to ... invited to the marriage of Mrs. Ex-Husband to Mr. New Husband.
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Old 01-29-2013, 11:41 AM   #72
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Originally Posted by JamesMom View Post
I was a 2nd time bride who married a 1st time groom. We had small intimate wedding at WDW with 9 family members. No showers or gifts were expected since they had to travel. Much to my mom's chagrin, I wore a simple, but white gown (picture below). The cost of the event was about the same as my first wedding 8 years prior with 50 people, but I enjoyed it alot more. My groom would have been just as happy with a trip to the Justice of the Peace during a lunch hour, but he was a good sport and compromised with our wedding at our honeymoon location. 12 years later we have no regrets. BTW - my first lasted 6 - no kids.
I think low key is acceptable for 2nd marriages for the bride. The big frufru dress and eleborate party are for 1st time brides, imho. But that doesn't make it any less 'special'.
What about first time grooms? Do they deserve less because the woman they are marrying has been tainted?
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Old 01-29-2013, 11:51 AM   #73
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What about first time grooms? Do they deserve less because the woman they are marrying has been tainted?
Having been a professional wedding planner for a few years back in the day and I believe still holds true - the wedding IS about the bride. Very few grooms get their hands dirty other than select the menu, suit and sign the checks, but if the groom insists on a lavish affair - then go for it!

Totally, off-topic. But when I was planning my disney wedding, on a board (not this one) a couple were planning annual vow renewals with fancy attire and decked out parties - like mini weddings every year! I thought that girl must have issues, not to mention the expense... But to each their own.
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Old 01-29-2013, 11:59 AM   #74
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaraJayne View Post
I believe the "cover your plate" nonsense is a Dis phenomenon. I've never heard of it anywhere else and neither has my sister, who is currently planning a wedding and is on every wedding board you can imagine.

ETA: Interestingly enough, I just googled "cover your plate" to see what would come up. The consensus seems to be it was a myth started by greedy brides (who continue to believe it is a "thing" even after their own weddings) and no such thing exists in wedding etiquette.
Everyone is different. It all depends on where you live, what your family traditions are, what you prefer etc. Neither way is right or wrong. I always try to cover my plate, or give $200 at the very least. Its just what we do with our circle of friends, friends of friends, and their friends, and their family, and my family, in laws etc. Lol.
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Old 01-29-2013, 01:01 PM   #75
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What about first time grooms? Do they deserve less because the woman they are marrying has been tainted?
This. My husband was very hands on with the wedding. We had discussed a big wedding, even though it was *gasp* my 2nd wedding. He was the one who wanted the big dress, tuxedo, wedding party, ect. Eventually we decided on a destination wedding, combining our love of travel with the desire to control aspects of the day that we might not have been able to do with certain family members present.

As for expecting guests to attend and bring a lavish gift, yeah, not an issue. Regardless of whether it is my first or my 20th wedding, what people give me isn't an issue or an expectation at all. I had no shower, choosing to spend a weekend hanging out with close family and friends instead. If we would have had a big wedding it would have been to have a party to celebrate the next step in our lives the way we wanted to, not to gain from it.

And thanks everyone for all the statistics on how my marriage is doomed because I couldn't make the first one work. Kinda hard to have a successful marriage when he was at work playing Dr with the nurses in the on call room.
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