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Old 01-21-2013, 10:30 PM   #1
Rosiekins
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Advice on friend demanding others help with childcare needed

So I am heading to the world with several friends in the fall and am suddenly finding myself in a bit of a conundrum that I could use a little advice on. When I invited friends along to our happy place I figured it would be fine, I think that of all the places to travel with friends Disney is a great one. It is easy to break off and do your own thing for a while and then meet up again later. 4 parks and countless resorts worth of personal space. Most of the people we are traveling with are down with this and I have zero qualms about them.

However I encouraged my one friend to join us and now I am running in to an issue. When I mentioned that she might not want exactly the plan we have because we do the deluxe dining plan and she has a little boy she will be bringing (he'll be 5) and I thought that much dining would be a lot for him. She didn't seem to hear what I was trying to say and said that they would just do whatever we were doing since her husband wasn't going. She has made it clear that she intends on spending every second with us. Now if everyone is having fun and we are just hanging out that is fine but I have a feeling that knowing her son and even more so her that this will not be the case. My husband along with the other family who knows her is dreading her coming now because of this and several other issues that have popped up along the way.

The second major thing that came up has me flummoxed on how to deal with it and also flummoxed on what she is expecting from everyone on the trip. We were sitting talking with a friends and she looks me and says in a horridly blunt, snotty voice "You are prepared to help with Childcare right?" I was shocked and didn't know how to reply so I said something about making sure that she got to ride things that she very obviously took as I would be at her beck and call for childcare the whole trip.

I should point out that we love her son but he is a bit of a handful. She has set a huge precedent of pushing the care of him to whoever is around, or just ignoring him till someone else deals with it so I don't doubt that she will very quickly take advantage of us if she thinks we are equally responsible for the care of her child. I had figured we would lend a hand here or there when she needed it or our other friends needed it, perhaps taking him along to rope drop or taking someone's kids to a play area or on a ride so the parents could ride something or have a few minutes of peace. However having it expected and demanded of me is upsetting and is not something I am okay with and neither is my husband. I was a nanny for years and actually am currently nannying one of the other families youngest sons. No one else has even suggested we are responsible for the care of their children let alone demanded it.

I understand that she is doing this alone and I had intended to lend a hand and give her a break sometimes, I just don't want it expected and demanded of me and the other people along. She can be fun to hang out with and that is why invited her and I don't want to end our friendship by disinviting her. I have showed her childcare services that Disney offers so she can have evenings off, what other things can I do to show her that she has options but we are not there
to watch her child 24/7 (we are getting separate rooms so more like 16/7). I may need to just tell her point blank but I am not sure how that confrontation will go so I would rather find some more subtle ways to help her get the hint. Also any thoughts on how I can encourage her to make some plans separate from us in the parks or just in dining? Any feedback would be great thanks!
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:41 PM   #2
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Are others bringing children too?
You have to say something now otherwise, if you dont, you will not emjoy your trip. You are already aggravated, understandably so. But if you dont say anything now, it will hinder your trip. I am not good at all with that but I do recognize when it needs to happen (in my life).
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:47 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiekins View Post
So I am heading to the world with several friends in the fall and am suddenly finding myself in a bit of a conundrum that I could use a little advice on. When I invited friends along to our happy place I figured it would be fine, I think that of all the places to travel with friends Disney is a great one. It is easy to break off and do your own thing for a while and then meet up again later. 4 parks and countless resorts worth of personal space. Most of the people we are traveling with are down with this and I have zero qualms about them.

However I encouraged my one friend to join us and now I am running in to an issue. When I mentioned that she might not want exactly the plan we have because we do the deluxe dining plan and she has a little boy she will be bringing (he'll be 5) and I thought that much dining would be a lot for him. She didn't seem to hear what I was trying to say and said that they would just do whatever we were doing since her husband wasn't going. She has made it clear that she intends on spending every second with us. Now if everyone is having fun and we are just hanging out that is fine but I have a feeling that knowing her son and even more so her that this will not be the case. My husband along with the other family who knows her is dreading her coming now because of this and several other issues that have popped up along the way.

The second major thing that came up has me flummoxed on how to deal with it and also flummoxed on what she is expecting from everyone on the trip. We were sitting talking with a friends and she looks me and says in a horridly blunt, snotty voice "You are prepared to help with Childcare right?" I was shocked and didn't know how to reply so I said something about making sure that she got to ride things that she very obviously took as I would be at her beck and call for childcare the whole trip.

I should point out that we love her son but he is a bit of a handful. She has set a huge precedent of pushing the care of him to whoever is around, or just ignoring him till someone else deals with it so I don't doubt that she will very quickly take advantage of us if she thinks we are equally responsible for the care of her child. I had figured we would lend a hand here or there when she needed it or our other friends needed it, perhaps taking him along to rope drop or taking someone's kids to a play area or on a ride so the parents could ride something or have a few minutes of peace. However having it expected and demanded of me is upsetting and is not something I am okay with and neither is my husband. I was a nanny for years and actually am currently nannying one of the other families youngest sons. No one else has even suggested we are responsible for the care of their children let alone demanded it.

I understand that she is doing this alone and I had intended to lend a hand and give her a break sometimes, I just don't want it expected and demanded of me and the other people along. She can be fun to hang out with and that is why invited her and I don't want to end our friendship by disinviting her. I have showed her childcare services that Disney offers so she can have evenings off, what other things can I do to show her that she has options but we are not there
to watch her child 24/7 (we are getting separate rooms so more like 16/7). I may need to just tell her point blank but I am not sure how that confrontation will go so I would rather find some more subtle ways to help her get the hint. Also any thoughts on how I can encourage her to make some plans separate from us in the parks or just in dining? Any feedback would be great thanks!
Set the record straight now. Tell her she won't be added on your signature dining (I would really recommend this) and that she can either hire childcare or use the childcare provided at a fee by Disney.

I would let her eat with you on your normal TS and CS meals. If she is alone, these would be the places where helping out is okay as they are laid-back and children are always there.

Show her places with Characters for meals when you are at a Signature. Guide her on how to make ADR's and then find a blog that has touring with children. PM me if you want, I have a few but I won't advertise them here.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:50 PM   #4
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I'd tell her point blank this is a vacation for you and your husband and you are not on babysitting duty.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:56 PM   #5
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It sounds like you are going to have to just bite the bullet and be blunt with her. Subtle hasn't worked thus far. I'm kind of wondering why you even invited her in the first place, when you know how she is...
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:09 PM   #6
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Be blunt with her. Also, schedule your dining make it a point not to le her know what your reservations are.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:20 PM   #7
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Personally, I think that you set yourself up for this. You invited someone who tends to ask her friends to "help" with childcare of her 5-year old child to a WDW trip with Deluxe Dining. That was a mistake. I think it's terribly rude for you to now exclude her and her son from your plans.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:22 PM   #8
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I know you want to "give hints" and be gentle and have her get the idea but honestly it doesn't sound like she is the type who will get it, or she will get it but ignore it and railroad over you. You ate going to have to use her own method of being blunt, Not rude but clear and strong in what you say. The next time talk of the trip comes up with her I would say something along the lines of " you had talked about needing help with child care, what services have you lined up?" or " I thought about what you said about needing help with child care, what did you mean by that? " then lay out your boundaries , firmly . Good luck I know it seems an uncomfortable conversation but better to do it now than suffer on vacation.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:35 PM   #9
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When we were planning on going to Disney last year, I had told my aunt about it. I was so excited to go and she said that she wanted to go to and we should make it a family trip. I thought, ok, no biggie. I have my family and she has hers. then she started wanting to stay at the same hotel as us, trying to get it so we were basically next door to each other. then she was saying that we needed to do everything together. i was like yeah, we can met up and do some things together but me and DH are going to want to go our own way and do our own thing. then she was like i thought this was a family vacation? i was like yeah but we dont need to be together at all times. she got kinda pissy about it. i didnt even invite her! she invited herself. i started not looking forward to the trip cause i knew that she would take charge and we would end up doing everything that her family wanted to do. we never did go cause i ended up getting pregnant (but we lost the baby at almost 25 weeks). so now we are planning again, going in May. right now im not talking to her (has nothing to do with that though) so she has no idea. i would say just tell her that i love that you are coming along but please dont expect me to watch your little guy the whole time.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:39 PM   #10
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You said her DH is not coming along (I wonder why) -So talking to him about your issues may be a good start..Have you thought about maybe rebooking a vacation with her the child at a different time, with just her the kid and you??? I know you said she is fun and what not--but this maybe a way to get around all of this...and still have a good time with your hubby...and another good time with her and the child.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:44 PM   #11
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Thanks for all the advice. I will just have to bite the bullet and be upfront with her. The next time it comes up I will try to gently but firmly work it in. It is uncomfortable but it is better then a huge blow up on vacation. I will help her find some tips on kids in Disney. Maybe I will get her the UOG w/ Kids.

I am not trying to exclude her from our plans. I plan on spending lots of time with everyone. I am looking forward to visiting the characters and riding rides with her son and our other friends kids too. I was planning on suggesting we do a meal together a day. I just want to make sure everyone gets a little space if they need it, and we are not stuck waiting for her in the morning etc. I want to be able to say hey you guys go ahead and ride that and we will meet in an hour or so. And I really don't think anyone should be forced to watch her kid.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:53 PM   #12
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Also I should have said this earlier, we have been planning this trip with our other friends for 3 years so I invited her before I released the bad things. We have traveled together before just the girls and also a short group trip. The just girls one I just let her plan everything, it was fine and we had fun. I invited her after that trip but before the other trip where I discovered the issues. She is a good Mom and like I said I love her son I just needed some advice on how to make sure we do not become his care providers on vacation.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:57 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiekins
Thanks for all the advice. I will just have to bite the bullet and be upfront with her. The next time it comes up I will try to gently but firmly work it in. It is uncomfortable but it is better then a huge blow up on vacation. I will help her find some tips on kids in Disney. Maybe I will get her the UOG w/ Kids.

I am not trying to exclude her from our plans. I plan on spending lots of time with everyone. I am looking forward to visiting the characters and riding rides with her son and our other friends kids too. I was planning on suggesting we do a meal together a day. I just want to make sure everyone gets a little space if they need it, and we are not stuck waiting for her in the morning etc. I want to be able to say hey you guys go ahead and ride that and we will meet in an hour or so. And I really don't think anyone should be forced to watch her kid.
Hi rosiekins - what a difficult situation you are in. If being blunt does not work, or maybe if you find that you are just too nice to do that... I sometimes find that drawing up a contract, perhaps a set of 'group rules' can be helpful. A guideline of what the "group" expects of everyone else. I am a counselor and often times when communication is difficult and different parities feel that they are not being heard or understood, writing things down, everyone agreeing to it and signing it can be well, positively reinforced... I try to keep documents to one page. Under ten rules. and 'encompassing' of situations. It may be helpful to identify three situations and appropriate actions a responsible parent would take when drafting a document of sorts. Anyone not agreeing to the document will basically agree to be 'shunned' by the group and will probably drop out of the trip altogether. Or, will find that her morning wake up call did not make it to the room!
Basic situations would encompass what behavior looks like when it needs to be addressed. Also, make a provision of how other people in the party will handle the behavior if she does not. You can put specific stipulations in here that she may not agree with that force her to deal with the behavior. I am not saying 'spank' a child, but take away something that he perceives to be his and you have no right over... or refusing to allow him to be 'included' when he misbehaves.
It sounds like this little guy may not have much acceptance at home. So remember, kids love to be praised. Often times five kind words can counter five hours of fit throwing...
So there it is for free...
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:07 AM   #14
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I would also talk with her on her own and show her online differant things for her and her son to do. Things that everyone might want to do. Show her what the fee would be for childcare would be.

Good luck with it all
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:25 AM   #15
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Quote:
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Be blunt with her. Also, schedule your dining make it a point not to le her know what your reservations are.
^This^ or maybe only do 1 character dining with her. Also, just because i'm in the same park as you does not mean i' m doing everything with you. So, you may have to handle your park touring the same as you might want to handle the dining. Each day it would be "I don't know which park i'm going to so I can't promise i will be there, sorry"
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