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Old 01-17-2013, 10:15 AM   #1
dana1003
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never post..but need advice..

Ive only posted a few times but this time i really need advice for this great community..i am 41 with twin 9 year old girls and a husband that is a successful professional artist. He constantly travels which leaves me raising our girls. I have no problem with this as I am a stay at home mom and enjoy being able to be with them, problem is because i am home I am taking care of my 18 mos old nephew everyday (yes i get paid) and I also get paid to drive neighborhood kids to and from school..I also have my parents 5 min away who are in their 60's. I can already tell that my parents will probably need allot of care by the time their in their 70's and feel like once my girls reach 15 or so now i will begin caring for my parents. i would like to go back to school, get a part time job..but I feel like I will never have time for me.My hubby has a possible job offer to move to florida in a few years and I would like to go but when I tell my girls they cry. They want to stay near their friends, grandparents..etc when I told my mom she broke down and cried and asked how I could take the girls away from her im am very confused and saddened by all this. I dont want to upset anyone but this opportunity could bring us more $ and the possibillty to buy a home. we cuhave been in out apt for 17years..yes very long- but we live in a pretty expensive county in nj and cannot afford a home. has anyone moved away? did you feel selfish? regret? btw-all hubbys family live there(about 50 people) so we would not be alone..please advise. thank you.
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Old 01-17-2013, 10:33 AM   #2
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Bottom line-you have to do what's best for you and your family. You girls are going to be fine if they move. Approach it as an adventure. Get them online to see all the great things in the new area you would be moving. Nine year olds can be swayed to see your way very easily.
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Old 01-17-2013, 10:36 AM   #3
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I can imagine how torn you are feeling. My theory is that your DH and kids are your first priority. If moving enables you to provide a better life for your family, then by all means go for it! Kids are also resilient and will most likely settle in to a new routine and make friends fairly quickly as long as it is positioned as an exciting new adventure.

My parents are getting older too and I know it is concerning. But..they are 16 hours away and are doing fine. As they age, we will deal with things as they happen.

You can't live your life for other people orworrying about what ifs. We only get so many trips around the sun, so seize each moment.

Everything always works itself out in the end. I truly believe that.

Best of luck to you!!!
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Old 01-17-2013, 10:37 AM   #4
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I remember when I was about your daughters' age, my father brought up the prospect of moving. It was only about 5-10 miles away, but it would be that much closer to his work. He had about an hour commute each way, and the move would have decreased it to about 10 minutes. I was very much against it. Didn't want to leave friends, school etc. Twenty years later found me choosing to live in that same neighborhood my dad wanted to move to, by my own choice. It also turned out that my best friend in college went to the same high school that I would have gone to if we'd moved.

Another story: We were living far far away from where I grew up when my dh died. I brought up moving to my kids - who were about your daughters' age. My son was vehemently against this, talked about sabotaging the move etc etc. I really thought he was going off the deep end. The first day in our "new" house, he came to me and apologized for making a fuss. He really liked it here and still does, and has made many more friends and fits in much better than he ever did in our old city. He now attends that high school that I would have attended.

That was a long way to say this: If you and your dh decide that this is what you want to do, do it. You can always move back if you so choose. Play up the prospect of their very own pool, having a backyard, maybe they can get a dog?, being close to Disney/Universal, beaches etc. to your daughters. If I were to move to Florida, I'd be going on cruises every month since there'd be no cost to the airfare.

Actually, when I moved our kids, I bought them a puppy about 3 months before we actually moved. She was a great distraction for all of us.
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Old 01-17-2013, 10:38 AM   #5
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Tough predicament...I feel for you.
On the one hand, it sounds like a good opportunity, on the other hand, I;d have a hard time leaving my parens who were growing older and coming into the years when they need me.
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Old 01-17-2013, 10:43 AM   #6
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The way I'm reading it is you're worrying about a lot of "what ifs". The "possible" job offer - no reason to even discuss it with any one but your husband at this point. Your parents will "probably" need a lot of care in a few years and you "feel like" you will never have time for yourself.

Just take a breath - stressing over what ifs only brings you down. You can start trying to plan but to treat them as problems right now might all be for nothing.
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Old 01-17-2013, 10:44 AM   #7
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Yes, we moved from NJ to Florida 7 years ago leaving behind all our family and friends. Best thing we ever did for our family, we have no regrets.
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Old 01-17-2013, 10:50 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dana1003 View Post
Ive only posted a few times but this time i really need advice for this great community..i am 41 with twin 9 year old girls and a husband that is a successful professional artist. He constantly travels which leaves me raising our girls. I have no problem with this as I am a stay at home mom and enjoy being able to be with them, problem is because i am home I am taking care of my 18 mos old nephew everyday (yes i get paid) and I also get paid to drive neighborhood kids to and from school..I also have my parents 5 min away who are in their 60's. I can already tell that my parents will probably need allot of care by the time their in their 70's and feel like once my girls reach 15 or so now i will begin caring for my parents. i would like to go back to school, get a part time job..but I feel like I will never have time for me.My hubby has a possible job offer to move to florida in a few years and I would like to go but when I tell my girls they cry. They want to stay near their friends, grandparents..etc when I told my mom she broke down and cried and asked how I could take the girls away from her im am very confused and saddened by all this. I dont want to upset anyone but this opportunity could bring us more $ and the possibillty to buy a home. we cuhave been in out apt for 17years..yes very long- but we live in a pretty expensive county in nj and cannot afford a home. has anyone moved away? did you feel selfish? regret? btw-all hubbys family live there(about 50 people) so we would not be alone..please advise. thank you.
We moved away from all of our family (and when I say ALL, I mean every single person lives within 20 minutes of everyone on BOTH sides of our family). We did not have kids at the time, but it was a very sudden move. We had not even been married a year when DH interviewed for a job here in Ohio and they immediately wanted him to start. We moved in less than a month. Our families tried to get us to come back, especially once DD was born. We looked for jobs back at home, and he even interviewed for a couple, but they didn't pay nearly what he was getting here, so we stayed put. Our family knew that we had it pretty good here, so eventually they quit bugging us about it. Honestly, for us to make the same money there as he makes here, we would BOTH have to work 2 jobs. As it is now, he is the only one who works and I am a SAHM.

If your move is still a few years down the road, then you have a lot of time for the kids to grow up and for your parents to be more accepting of the possible move. You need to do what is best for your family. You and your husband are the only ones who can know what is best.
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:16 AM   #9
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thank you for all the quick replies..it is much appreciated and I am taking everyone's responses as advice. yes theRE are all of "what if's"- Its hard not to think about possible scenarios..I have not brought up the possible move with my parents per se.Found out about this last summer and told them it was a possible move in a year or so..and my moms response was "yeah ok!"(sarcastic of course) and it would be to the fort walton beach/destin area..I love the area but i also know vacationing is not the same as living there. I feel as if we just pay bills to survive, never getting ahead..we only live about 10-15 away from manhattan which is great but jersey living is expensive living and unless your a doctor or lawyer-life is just getting by here.
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:31 AM   #10
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When I was a Senior in high school, my dad got a new job and we moved five hours away from the tiny town I had grown up in. School had already started, it was My Senior Year(!!!!), and I was dumped into a much larger school. I had a choice of being miserable (and making my parents "very deservedly" miserable at the same time) or realizing that I would only get one Senior Year, and doing my best to have a wonderful time. I chose the latter, and absolutely had a ball. It was the best thing that could have happened to me; I had to come out of the little "clique" that I was secure in, and put myself forward to a whole new group of people.
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:54 AM   #11
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I moved the middle of my Jr year, did it stink in the begining? A Little. I met my BFF & some other very good friends and didn't lose the friends I had before. And I have since moved "Back" to where we came from And Now I have 2 class reunions to go to.

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Old 01-17-2013, 11:54 AM   #12
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I vote don't worry about it - and don't discuss it more with anyone outside of DH- until it becomes more of a reality.

Any chance of your parents moving to Florida?

We'd love to be able to move to where DH's parents are, but the pay is just not there. We have to do what's best for our family.
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Old 01-17-2013, 12:11 PM   #13
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I'll admit it - I cried when my 30 year-old son said that he and his wife were moving to the other Coast (to be close to her family). I can see now that it was a good move for them. They are both happy there.

Your family will adjust. I'd move within the next few years, while your kids are still young. My family moved from Ohio to California when my oldest sister was a Senior in HS. Sis had the hardest time; the rest of us adapted easily.

Are you an only child? Your parents aren't that old to need help now. Florida might be a good move for them too.
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Old 01-17-2013, 12:24 PM   #14
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I vote don't worry about it - and don't discuss it more with anyone outside of DH- until it becomes more of a reality.

Any chance of your parents moving to Florida?

We'd love to be able to move to where DH's parents are, but the pay is just not there. We have to do what's best for our family.
If you think your parents are going to support in a few years, and they also live here in NJ, they'd also be much better off in Florida. I agree, financially, it's hard to live here. We bought our home in 1997 - thank goodness! Even though our property taxes doubled, we weren't faced with having to spend $400,000 on a starter home.

Your kids are young - they'll be fine.
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Old 01-17-2013, 12:30 PM   #15
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In 1993 my DH and I made a sudden move to Maryland from NY. Granted we did not have children at the time but it was still hard leaving my whole family behind. The only relative we had in Maryland was a brother in law. Luckily we are only a 3 hour drive from my family and sometimes I do really miss living closer it was still one of the best decisions we have ever made. I have never regretted moving.
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