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Old 05-14-2013, 11:43 PM   #1
usd2bmd
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Graduation WWYD?

So my niece is graduating from college in the same town we are in and her sister is graduating from high school in another state. We are going to the ceremony (my husband and I). My daughter is staying home. She asked us to go to dinner after wards. My problem is the restaurant she wants to go to; it is a (IMO) very expensive restaurant and not one that we would choose.
I know it isn't my choice but is it wrong that I am sending my husband only? if we were all to go it would probably run us in the neighborhood of $180-200. this is in addition to the gift she will receive. Plus we are sending a gift with my In-Laws to give to our other niece at her graduation.

Is it wrong for us to not all attend the dinner?

Her parents are divorced and both have since remarried, her dad and his wife live in the other state. Her dad naturally will stay home and attend his other daughters graduation while her mom who lives near here will attend the graduation here. AS a background she was upset that both of her parents weren't going to attend her graduation and stated (quite seriously) that her sister was only graduating from high school and when she graduates from college both parents can go.

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Old 05-15-2013, 12:59 AM   #2
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Oy! That's a tough one.

I don't blame your niece for being upset that her dad and sister won't be at her college graduation or wanting to go somewhere nice to celebrate (graduating from college is a momentous occasion), but if you can't afford the restaurant she chose, you can't afford it.

If you and your DD won't be going to dinner, I'd try to celebrate with her at some other time/place (e.g., have her over for dinner or a celebratory cake).
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Old 05-15-2013, 01:51 AM   #3
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I think it is fine to just send your husband.

I also think it is fine to tell you that restaurant is out of your price range and you are sorry but cannot go (and still send just your husband or not send anyone at all) but that you would LOVE it if she and her mom would stop by the house after dinner for coffee (or champagne) and cake.


I will disagree with the PP. I think it is rude and selfish for the graduate to be angry that one of her parents will attend her sister's graduation while the other attend's hers. As the oldest, I assume both parents were able to attend HER high school graduation. So, with that kind of attitude I wouldn't be surprised if the niece is upset if you all cannot attend the dinner--but try not to take it personally or give in if she gets in a snit about it.
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:19 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
I think it is fine to just send your husband.

I also think it is fine to tell you that restaurant is out of your price range and you are sorry but cannot go (and still send just your husband or not send anyone at all) but that you would LOVE it if she and her mom would stop by the house after dinner for coffee (or champagne) and cake.


I will disagree with the PP. I think it is rude and selfish for the graduate to be angry that one of her parents will attend her sister's graduation while the other attend's hers. As the oldest, I assume both parents were able to attend HER high school graduation. So, with that kind of attitude I wouldn't be surprised if the niece is upset if you all cannot attend the dinner--but try not to take it personally or give in if she gets in a snit about it.
I agree on all counts.
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:21 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
I will disagree with the PP. I think it is rude and selfish for the graduate to be angry that one of her parents will attend her sister's graduation while the other attend's hers. As the oldest, I assume both parents were able to attend HER high school graduation. So, with that kind of attitude I wouldn't be surprised if the niece is upset if you all cannot attend the dinner--but try not to take it personally or give in if she gets in a snit about it.
For the record, I never it was okay for her to throw a hissy fit. I said she had the right to feel upset. It is really bad luck that her graduation and her sister's fall on the same day, and (IMO) it's only natural to be disappointed if members of your immediate family can't attend something as special as your college graduation. YMMV.
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:25 AM   #6
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For the record, I never it was okay for her to throw a hissy fit. I said she had the right to feel upset. It is really bad luck that her graduation and her sister's fall on the same day, and (IMO) it's only natural to be disappointed if members of your immediate family can't attend something as special as your college graduation. YMMV.
Sorry I misunderstood. I agree that it is natural to be disappointed about that. What is not normal or nice is stating that the parents should both skip the high school graduation--most nice and reasonable people would know that the younger sister is probably equally disappointed that her parents cannot both attend.
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:35 AM   #7
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Sorry I misunderstood. I agree that it is natural to be disappointed about that. What is not normal or nice is stating that the parents should both skip the high school graduation--most nice and reasonable people would know that the younger sister is probably equally disappointed that her parents cannot both attend.
I was thinking the same thing.
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Old 05-15-2013, 06:47 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by usd2bmd View Post
She asked us to go to dinner after wards. My problem is the restaurant she wants to go to; it is a (IMO) very expensive restaurant and not one that we would choose.
I know it isn't my choice but is it wrong that I am sending my husband only? if we were all to go it would probably run us in the neighborhood of $180-200. this is in addition to the gift she will receive.
I see nothing wrong with just your husband going. I would also make the reason clear. "Wow. You chose a very expensive restaurant. Are you paying? Wink. Wink."

Is this girl spoiled that she would choose a very expensive restaurant and then be miffed that her dad won't skip the sister's graduation? Does she really think it is normal for neither parent to be at her sister's graduation
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Old 05-15-2013, 06:50 AM   #9
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If it's too expensive, don't go. Done.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:15 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
I think it is fine to just send your husband.

I also think it is fine to tell you that restaurant is out of your price range and you are sorry but cannot go (and still send just your husband or not send anyone at all) but that you would LOVE it if she and her mom would stop by the house after dinner for coffee (or champagne) and cake.


I will disagree with the PP. I think it is rude and selfish for the graduate to be angry that one of her parents will attend her sister's graduation while the other attend's hers. As the oldest, I assume both parents were able to attend HER high school graduation. So, with that kind of attitude I wouldn't be surprised if the niece is upset if you all cannot attend the dinner--but try not to take it personally or give in if she gets in a snit about it.
That is a good idea about inviting them for coffee or Champagne. Thank you. Yes both of her parents attended her graduation. I understand that she may be upset at both of them not being there,,,but there are some thoughts that I think should stay in your head.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Social Worker Sue View Post
I see nothing wrong with just your husband going. I would also make the reason clear. "Wow. You chose a very expensive restaurant. Are you paying? Wink. Wink."

Is this girl spoiled that she would choose a very expensive restaurant and then be miffed that her dad won't skip the sister's graduation? Does she really think it is normal for neither parent to be at her sister's graduation
Normally a dinner like this (once in a while ) is not an issue, but coupled with three graduations it is going to be an expensive three weeks.

She is used to getting her way...She was given a car from my In-laws shortly after she got her license, that was in an accident three weeks later...She complained about the type of car that it was pretty much the whole time she had it.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:18 AM   #11
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Are you sure the host isn't paying? I've never been invited to any kind of celebratory event that the host didn't pay.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:25 AM   #12
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I would be honest and tell the girl that we all would love to celebrate with her but that we could not all afford to have a meal at the restaurant she chose. I think that a college graduate is old enough to understand that when she invites people to celebrate an occasion she needs to consider the costs that she is asking her guests to absorb, and that there may be consequences if she does not. In this case, the consequence is 2 out of 3 people who would be celebrating are not able to join her.

I realize that she is sad that both parents will not be able to see her graduation but if her reaction is typical for her, then this girl has a lot to learn in a very short period of time. Once she enters the workforce, she is not going to be the center of everyone's world, so if she fails to consider those people around her, she is going to have a few learning opportunities!
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:29 AM   #13
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Are you sure the host isn't paying? I've never been invited to any kind of celebratory event that the host didn't pay.
That's what I was thinking-I would pay if it was my daughter's graduation and you were coming.

This dueling graduation situation happened to me 4 years ago. Oldest dd graduated college (2 hours away) and younger dd graduated high school on the same day. We split up- my husband and my brother drove to the college graduation (big stadium ceremony) in the morning while my mom, my sister, my third dd, and I attended the high school ceremony. Then my dds and I got in the car and drove to the college to attend dd's departmental ceremony for her major which was held later in the afternoon.
It wasn't ideal but it worked out.

It was interesting, though. A lot of people had opinions on which was more important. Some said high school, others felt it was the college one. We did what worked for us! Also my dds knew it was a less than ideal situation and were happy it worked out as it did. They certainly didn't complain.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:46 AM   #14
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Sorry but you only graduate from high school once. You can always go back to college.

As for the dinner I think its fine that you don't go.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:49 AM   #15
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I think it's fine if he just goes to the dinner. She can choose another place if it's so important that everyone go.
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