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Old 01-08-2013, 05:13 AM   #31
Social Worker Sue
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Originally Posted by Betsy82 View Post

He's also depressed and medicated. I either take my children with me or have alternate care. There was a few days when I HAD to be away from home and he was primary caregiver. I called frequently, sent constant reminders that he needed to remain cool, etc. but he was fine. That was most probably because I wasn't away by choice, and certainly not somewhere I wanted to be.
So your depressed husband would have not been as good with the kids had you been doing something you enjoyed?

Bottom line: Some people simply do not want their spouse to have a good time without them. Some people are only happy if their spouse is HOME taking care of THEIR needs.

The manipulation and control is staggering. The women that accept this as a way of life have been broken.
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Old 01-08-2013, 05:32 AM   #32
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Maybe it's just me, but I think she shares a LOT of information about her marriage with her friends.

If my husband and I argue, it's between the two of us. I may tell my friends that he's acting like a jerk (because, of course, it's never my fault, right? ) but I don't share the details. I think that doing so, and on such a regular basis, would be disloyal to my husband.
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Old 01-08-2013, 05:43 AM   #33
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My guess is she doesn't want to go and is using the husband as an excuse for not going. Happens all the time to me.
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Old 01-08-2013, 05:45 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by Social Worker Sue View Post
What is wrong with telling your friends the truth? I would rather do that then make my spouse look like a control freak.

As an adult, I think it is ok to be able to tell people how you feel. If you don't want to go to a concert, you just say you don't want to go

Why start spinning lies and blaming spouses?
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Originally Posted by Social Worker Sue View Post
So your depressed husband would have not been as good with the kids had you been doing something you enjoyed?

Bottom line: Some people simply do not want their spouse to have a good time without them. Some people are only happy if their spouse is HOME taking care of THEIR needs.

The manipulation and control is staggering. The women that accept this as a way of life have been broken.
It really amazes me how every little comment on these boards has to be taken by some as having deep psychological meaning that will have lifetime repercussions.

If a group asks me to do something I'm not really enthusiastic about doing, rather than have hours of back and forth as to why I should do it with them I might take the expedient and harmless route of saying, "Gee, my wife planned for us to go refrigerator shopping that day". According to some here that makes me dumb and I will probably die alone. Oh, and it makes my wife look like a control freak. That's priceless.

Ya know, I'm probably the most honest person I know. I will usually tell people more to their face than they are comfortable hearing. The fact is, if 3 friends want me to do something I don't want to do they will individually call and cajole over and over for reasons why, when maybe I just don't 'feel' like it. Rather than stretch it into a production it might be easier to tell a quick little white lie about needing to do something else. I'm sure most of you would NEVER do something like that because you don't want to be dumb and die alone either.

My original post on this topic was just to show that there may be OTHER reasons rather than the one presented. It's been stated that the OP handles all the finances for the family. Maybe she saw that she can't afford to take part in this activity and rather than feel embarassed about that, she just used a throw away line that her husband didn't want her to attend.

There are a million possible explanations for whats going on here, but the off-topic judgements and hyperbole are par for the Dis course.

Slightly more off topic and not referencing anyone in particular, I think that sometimes when you are approaching 20,000 posts on the Dis you just might be leaning a little more towards quantity than quality,or, maybe not.
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Old 01-08-2013, 06:13 AM   #35
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Rather than stretch it into a production it might be easier to tell a quick little white lie about needing to do something else.


I guess I dont know how simply saying "I dont want to go" is stretching it into a production? I am positive that creating a lie and involving your wife is a bit more of a production

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Ya know, I'm probably the most honest person I know.
How kind of you to say that about yourself. Yet you cant tell your friends the simple truth of why you dont want to do something? That's not very honest, Bob.

Last edited by Social Worker Sue; 01-08-2013 at 06:22 AM.
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Old 01-08-2013, 06:34 AM   #36
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I guess I dont know how simply saying "I dont want to go" is stretching it into a production? I am positive that creating a lie and involving your wife is a bit more of a production
Let me explain.

My friends want me to do things with them. If I say I just don't 'feel' like doing something they will spend countless hours trying to 'convince' me that I really should do it. Sometimes it's just easier to say you 'can't' do something rather than you don't 'want' to do something.

It's simple really. I would hazard a guess that everyone has done it at one time or another.

I believe, though, that you are purposely trying not to understand this.
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Old 01-08-2013, 06:44 AM   #37
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Originally Posted by Social Worker Sue View Post
So your depressed husband would have not been as good with the kids had you been doing something you enjoyed?

Bottom line: Some people simply do not want their spouse to have a good time without them. Some people are only happy if their spouse is HOME taking care of THEIR needs.

The manipulation and control is staggering. The women that accept this as a way of life have been broken.
What I find staggering is the insensitivity of this post.

I wish I had a 100% healthy DH. Now excuse me while I go and take his blood pressure and give him his meds from his triple bypass.

Sorry he is depressed and healing but until you walk a mile in those shoes you really do not understand.

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Old 01-08-2013, 06:56 AM   #38
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This is more than a husband just being a jerk - he's clinically depressed and off his meds. In that situation there is no way I would leave my children alone with him.

Good luck to her.
Exactly. This is a good time for others to learn more about clinical depression, its causes and treatments. It's not someone being a jerk. The husband is sick.
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Old 01-08-2013, 06:58 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by Aliceacc View Post
Maybe it's just me, but I think she shares a LOT of information about her marriage with her friends.

If my husband and I argue, it's between the two of us. I may tell my friends that he's acting like a jerk (because, of course, it's never my fault, right? ) but I don't share the details. I think that doing so, and on such a regular basis, would be disloyal to my husband.
Some people use their friends where others would use a therapist.

Last edited by Sadie22; 01-08-2013 at 07:07 AM.
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Old 01-08-2013, 07:28 AM   #40
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Originally Posted by Betsy82 View Post
This sounds identical to how my husband would feel/has felt. He will say those very things to me in moments of clarity. Not always calmly, but at least its honest.


He's also depressed and medicated. I either take my children with me or have alternate care. There was a few days when I HAD to be away from home and he was primary caregiver. I called frequently, sent constant reminders that he needed to remain cool, etc. but he was fine. That was most probably because I wasn't away by choice, and certainly not somewhere I wanted to be.

So anyway, I agree with this.
It sucks but it's a life she has chosen. I love my husband, and his illness requires me to make sacrifices that my friends don't always understand.
I may vent to them occassionally about it, because it's truly a challenge sometimes, but it is what it is.


I hope your friend can find a resolution to this situation that suits everyone involved.
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Originally Posted by Social Worker Sue View Post
So your depressed husband would have not been as good with the kids had you been doing something you enjoyed?

Bottom line: Some people simply do not want their spouse to have a good time without them. Some people are only happy if their spouse is HOME taking care of THEIR needs.

The manipulation and control is staggering. The women that accept this as a way of life have been broken.
Actually it's the husbands that are broken and their faithful wives are much stronger than you're willing to give them credit for (see above).
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Old 01-08-2013, 08:07 AM   #41
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Quote:
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Exactly. This is a good time for others to learn more about clinical depression, its causes and treatments. It's not someone being a jerk. The husband is sick.
In this case, the husband is off his meds and refuses to go back on them. He is choosing to be untreated. He needs to his part too.
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Old 01-08-2013, 08:26 AM   #42
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Let me explain.

My friends want me to do things with them. If I say I just don't 'feel' like doing something they will spend countless hours trying to 'convince' me that I really should do it. Sometimes it's just easier to say you 'can't' do something rather than you don't 'want' to do something.

It's simple really. I would hazard a guess that everyone has done it at one time or another.

I believe, though, that you are purposely trying not to understand this.
I totally agree with you. Some people can't take no for an answer and will harrass you to death about it. It gets annoying so it is much easier to just make up an excuse that is non negotiable. Maybe the friend really doesn't care that much to go see a band even if it is their last time together. Not every feels nostalgic about stuff like that and wants to spend time away from their family for such activities. They might say "Oh, I wish I could come, it sounds like so much fun!" but what they really mean is "I have no desire to be there." I think being honest is important but some people simple cannot accept that you might not want to do something.
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Old 01-08-2013, 09:28 AM   #43
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Around here if my wife doesn't want to do something she has my permission to use me as an excuse. "Bob has XXX going on, so I can't do YYY." "Bob and I talked, and I can't do XXX because of blah blah blah."

I may use her as an excuse as need be too.

I KNOW you think you know 100% of the details, I'm just suggesting that there MAY be other explanations.
I do know all the details I need to know to know that she isn't using him as an excuse. #1 I was at their house several days after Christmas and saw first hand how much of a jerk he was being and honestly I wasn't totally surprised that he pulled this. #2 We are very close and do share a lot with each other so if she just didn't want to go or if she didn't have the money she would be honest and up front about it. I do also know her husband pretty well without her having to tell me certain things.

Someone mentioned that maybe she doesn't want to go, well considering that she was the one who came up with the idea of us all going I am pretty sure that isn't the case. She has been excited about it for over a month and in talking to her she is upset about not being able to go, especially since this is the first time in quite a few years that we have all been able to see each other at once.
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Old 01-08-2013, 09:30 AM   #44
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Op what band is it? I am very close to the place you are talking about and have been dying to know.....Yes, i am being nosy!
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Old 01-08-2013, 09:38 AM   #45
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Op what band is it? I am very close to the place you are talking about and have been dying to know.....Yes, i am being nosy!
Haha! It's Mr. Greengenes. They are playing at the Chameleon in Lancaster.
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