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Old 01-07-2013, 12:12 PM   #31
married2mm
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Robbi View Post
OP, I'm sorry. It's pretty sad that your mom and sister haven't offered to have a baby shower for you. It's awful that people you've treated in the past aren't stepping up for you.
Please too you sound like a really sweet person but in future, don't offer to have anything for your so called friends.
I know, I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but these people are users and not worth your efforts.



I wholeheartedly agree with this,and so many more posts.
it's hard,but try to focus on the good,positive things and not dwell too much.

btw- you have every right to vent all you like.

Absolutely, in fact I have a few names for her but I don't want to be kicked off the DIS.



Yes, join a baby and me group.
this is a great idea.

I love babies too,have you started thinking of names,or decorating your nursery?

ooops,nearly forgot- congratulations,you will love this new stage in your life.
onwards and upwards.
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Old 01-07-2013, 12:37 PM   #32
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I wouldn't be too hard on your husband, OP. He knew you were upset and discussed it with his friend at work. Probably the friend tried to help by talking to his wife - who was the one real jerk in all of this.

I do agree with others that you probably need to move on and find new friends who are more likely to share your interests. Try to focus on the fact that you are having a shower at work. I know it's not what you're really wanting, but it's a kind gesture on their part.

Congratulations on the new baby!
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Old 01-07-2013, 01:29 PM   #33
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We,ll you sound like you aren't super far along, as far as a shower would go! You normally have a growth check (aka gender u/s) around 20 weeks, so you have plenty of time to be suprised!

You never know what might happen!!! It might not hurt to quiety mention to your friends for whom you have hosted parties, that you are feeling a bit hurt and left out that they do not reciprocate the effort or love that you spent on them. Who knows, maybe they are going to have bash in your name They couldbe making up for the past hurts and slights.

To be honest, I was you with giving parties to others. I was the Maid of Honor in a friends wedding, ran arouind with her every Friday for months leading up to the wedding (while pegnant!!!), threw her a party at a rented site (no other $ contributed by the other ladies in the party) as a shower and didn't even get a thank you. When I did her baby shower, all I got was complaining about how little people showed up....as if i was the one to not attend. Again, All $ on Me!!! No thanks, at all. At that point I had 4 children and wasn't going to do that much for anyone who didn't even say a simple thank you.

But, OP I learned a hard lesson. As much as it hurts to not have a thank you for all your work, time, and love, you can't force people to be kind or loving.

You could always throw yourself a shower, or just get the baby things you need a bit at a time and be thankful that you won't have to worry about others feelings when your babay is born and they don't get those exciting calls about labor and birth.

Frankly, the situation sucks and must hurt your feelings deeply.
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Old 01-07-2013, 01:47 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by FlyingDumbo View Post
Thanks everyone. That email just put me over the edge. There is no surprise shower coming. I learned that when I had no bridal shower. I just need to face the fact that my friends don't care.
Sometimes I think it is not necessarily that the friends don't care, they are lazy and thoughtless. I feel so badly for you because it hurts to be the one left out simply because others do not want to take the time to extend the same graciousness that you extend.
I was the one who always cooks or helps out when there is a death or an illness. I never ever forget. My Mom died and I found out who remembered. I did not expect much but honestly, a card after two months? Well, I let it go but after my MIL passed away and those same people who I have sent flowers, food, etc just forgot my husband (these were his friends) I decided to revisit how I respond. I would suggest that you do this as well.


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Originally Posted by familyoffive View Post
I would be hoping for a healthy baby and planning all of the moments you two will share. I've never understood the expectation for parties and gifts. While it is nice if someone sends something, better a genuine heartfelt gift than a thrown together insincere gathering.
Wow, you think a shower is only for gifts? I agree that an insincere gathering is worthless but the OP is hurt because she is feeling that her friends and family are not supportive of her and they have hurt her. People need to know that their friendship and their efforts are appreciated and that the people who they have been there for also cherish them as well. One way to do that is to gather and celebrate a special occasion. I cannot think of a more appropriate celebration than the birth of a child. The time and effort a friend or family member would take to bring people together is minimal when compared to the hurt the OP has over being forgotten. She has been shown that while she values certain people her efforts are not reciprocated. I do not blame her for being hurt.

It is okay to want people to celebrate with you and that does not negate the prayer for healthy children.
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Old 01-07-2013, 01:51 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nancyg56 View Post




Wow, you think a shower is only for gifts? I agree that an insincere gathering is worthless but the OP is hurt because she is feeling that her friends and family are not supportive of her and they have hurt her. People need to know that their friendship and their efforts are appreciated and that the people who they have been there for also cherish them as well. One way to do that is to gather and celebrate a special occasion. I cannot think of a more appropriate celebration than the birth of a child. The time and effort a friend or family member would take to bring people together is minimal when compared to the hurt the OP has over being forgotten. She has been shown that while she values certain people her efforts are not reciprocated. I do not blame her for being hurt.

It is okay to want people to celebrate with you and that does not negate the prayer for healthy children.


WELL SAID!!!!


To the OP, I wish you all the best with your new precious gift.
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Old 01-07-2013, 03:42 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by Nancyg56 View Post
Wow, you think a shower is only for gifts? I agree that an insincere gathering is worthless but the OP is hurt because she is feeling that her friends and family are not supportive of her and they have hurt her. People need to know that their friendship and their efforts are appreciated and that the people who they have been there for also cherish them as well. One way to do that is to gather and celebrate a special occasion. I cannot think of a more appropriate celebration than the birth of a child. The time and effort a friend or family member would take to bring people together is minimal when compared to the hurt the OP has over being forgotten. She has been shown that while she values certain people her efforts are not reciprocated. I do not blame her for being hurt.

It is okay to want people to celebrate with you and that does not negate the prayer for healthy children.
Yes, it's okay to want people to celebrate with you, and it's even okay to want the gifts that come with said celebration. But to put so much energy into feeling sad and forgotten and hurt when the people OP is talking about apparently haven't EVER been there in situations like this is ... well ... what OP said. A pity party.

Honestly -- if these "friends" had been there all along, with a wedding shower, birthday parties, etc. and then blew off the baby shower then yes ... you start wondering what's gone wrong. If it was just about being out of state, then yeah ... it sucks to be the one who's not there. But to expect people who have never stepped up in these situations in the past to suddenly pull together to plan and present a baby shower when the mother to be is out of state to start with (which makes it all the more unlikely) is just setting yourself up for more disappointment.

OP says that her coworkers are being wonderful and are throwing her a party at work. I say, concentrate on the positive. Embrace the caring atmosphere you have at work and stop being the "party planner" for the people who aren't there for you. You can't control how other people behave. You can only control how you react to it.

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Old 01-07-2013, 03:49 PM   #37
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Just tell her, "yeah, you're the last person I'd expect to have a party for us." OR....you have to be a really ballsy person to do this but she deserves it....Say, "you're the only one, when do you want to have it? I'll get you a guest list, and thanks!!!"
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Last edited by shortbun; 01-07-2013 at 03:55 PM.
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Old 01-07-2013, 04:00 PM   #38
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I have to difference in my opinion in that I don't see why DH's co-worker's wife is the "bad" one. I gather from OP that they are just acquaintances. Why would a baby shower fall to her? I'm assuming they don't have the same friends or acquaintances and co-worker's wife doesn't know OP's family, so who do you think she would invite? Why doesn't OP's DH throw the shower? While not the norm, he's the one who knows everyone? Why can't a husband do that for his wife, particularly when the supposed "family and friends" are such inconsiderate people? If my husband came home and told me a co-worker's wife wasn't getting a baby shower I certainly don't think it should fall on my shoulders. Would I call her and tell her? Probably not, but who knows.

OP, I think you should go register at Babys R Us or some other registry and at the end of your pregnancy send a FB or email to your "family and friends" and tell them you realized having a shower wasn't going to happen since everyone has busy lives and lives far away, but give them the link and tell them you thought you'd made it easier for everyone who wanted to send a gift by registering. Passive/aggressive? Yep, and who cares. They obviously don't take your feelings into consideration, so I'd be spiteful and make them all feel horrible. But that's just me.
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Old 01-07-2013, 04:25 PM   #39
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I just want to point out that my husbands best friend has been a friend since childhood. His wife and I are not close. We did spend over 5K (which we are still paying off) to go to their destination wedding in Mexico, my husband was the best man, and she (the witch) mentioned several times that she would have asked me to be a bridesmaid " to even out the number of girls" if I hadn't had an ugly walking boot after my foot surgery. She is not someone I consider a friend nor would I ever want or expect a shower from her.

You can't have a surprise shower for someone who lives out of state and works full time. I don't have weekends off and I don't have a set schedule. When we got married and I was planning all the showers and parties for everyone else, we lived in our home state. We moved about a year and a half ago to this new state. So when I got married, I lived in state and a surprise shower would have been possible, it just never happened. Thank you to those who were supportive, I appreciate it. ANd I was not wanting a shower for gifts, to the poster who mentioned that, I was just hoping to be recognized. I just feel very isolated and alone. I really have no social life outside of work since we have moved here, I just have not really had much interaction with anyone other than coworkers and neighbors.

I really think it comes down to out of sight and out of mind. My friends were not willing to make the effort when I lived close, so I am not under any delusion that it is going to magically change now. I am actually really excited about the idea of joining a mommy an me group! I think it will be awesome to meet some other people in my area! And I do love my coworkers, they really are like a family.
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Old 01-07-2013, 04:38 PM   #40
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i like the idea of a virtual shower but take it one step further. since you are out of state maybe you could make up registries at a few places and creat a face book event. Make a cute flyer type "invite" saying that since you are all so far away and cannot get together.... you get the idea.
Sure it would be best comming from your sister or one ofour friends.
Maybe you should just talk to one of them and see what they think about it. Perhaps they could virtually host it?
As far as them offering seems like you might have to be blunt with them and say "hey what about having a shower for me? please and thank you"
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Old 01-07-2013, 04:49 PM   #41
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I have to difference in my opinion in that I don't see why DH's co-worker's wife is the "bad" one. I gather from OP that they are just acquaintances. Why would a baby shower fall to her? I'm assuming they don't have the same friends or acquaintances and co-worker's wife doesn't know OP's family, so who do you think she would invite?
I don't think the co-worker's wife is rude for not wanting to host a shower. I think she's rude for telling the OP that she doesn't want to host a shower. She could have just let it go and not said anything, or she could have made up an excuse (busy at work, etc.). But I can totally see how her e-mail was hurtful to the OP.
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Old 01-07-2013, 05:08 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by WDSearcher View Post
Yes, it's okay to want people to celebrate with you, and it's even okay to want the gifts that come with said celebration. But to put so much energy into feeling sad and forgotten and hurt when the people OP is talking about apparently haven't EVER been there in situations like this is ... well ... what OP said. A pity party.

Honestly -- if these "friends" had been there all along, with a wedding shower, birthday parties, etc. and then blew off the baby shower then yes ... you start wondering what's gone wrong. If it was just about being out of state, then yeah ... it sucks to be the one who's not there. But to expect people who have never stepped up in these situations in the past to suddenly pull together to plan and present a baby shower when the mother to be is out of state to start with (which makes it all the more unlikely) is just setting yourself up for more disappointment.

OP says that her coworkers are being wonderful and are throwing her a party at work. I say, concentrate on the positive. Embrace the caring atmosphere you have at work and stop being the "party planner" for the people who aren't there for you. You can't control how other people behave. You can only control how you react to it.

First of all, the OP is pregnant and I bet you a buck she is super sensitive right now. I get it and I figure it is okay. She came here for a little empathy, she did not go all over FB to whine. People come here all of the time to vent in a safe place. You saw what happened when she told her Dh how she was feeling.............he tried to fix it and made it worse. Here she can talk.

Give the OP a little time and she will be able to separate the good friends she has at work but right now she needs to get over the fact that she is not going to get the kind of support from people who she was there for.

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I don't think the co-worker's wife is rude for not wanting to host a shower. I think she's rude for telling the OP that she doesn't want to host a shower. She could have just let it go and not said anything, or she could have made up an excuse (busy at work, etc.). But I can totally see how her e-mail was hurtful to the OP.
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Old 01-07-2013, 05:30 PM   #43
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Hun, it'll all work out. Your baby is loved and cherished. Don't let this define the relationship you have with your friends. Don't loose that. There is still tons of time before your baby is born, never know what will happen between now and then. Chin up, and belly rubs!
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Old 01-07-2013, 05:35 PM   #44
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Just tell her, "yeah, you're the last person I'd expect to have a party for us." OR....you have to be a really ballsy person to do this but she deserves it....Say, "you're the only one, when do you want to have it? I'll get you a guest list, and thanks!!!"
Thank you, that made me laugh!
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Old 01-07-2013, 05:56 PM   #45
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FlyingDumbo ~ I'm sorry. I know how you feel. I never had a babyshower and it really made me sad. 17 years later and I still get sad when I think about it.
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