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Old 01-07-2013, 10:18 AM   #121
OceanAnnie
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OP, what else did your husband say about the texting? Did he apologize? Did he say he would put a stop to it? Anything about how often they work out together? Did he speak to the relationship at all?

The thing that sticks out to me from what your husband said is, he felt ashamed. Interesting choice of words. Ashamed. That indicates something is not above board. If it were innocent as he claims, he would have nothing to be ashamed about. He also said he's mad that you saw the text and how "he" would feel livid if the shoe was on the other foot. That's all fine and good, NOW. He got caught! He wasn't ashamed when he was texting back and forth. A lot of what he said is classic cheater talk.

You have gotten some excellent advice.

Rutgers1 was spot on about getting the text records. That will tell you just about all you need to know.

I know if it were me and looking at all the information you have, I would not believe him. I would have to know for myself the extent of the truth, through the means others have laid out. I'd go underground, work around, and use my resources. Don't ever mention what your stepmother told you. No good will come from it. If it's true, he'll just deny it. If your relationship isn't headed for the rocks, it will damage your stepmother's relationship with your husband forever. Your stepmother's neighbor is a treasure trove of information. I would definitely let her be your eyes and ears in that gym (and never reveal your source).

As others have stated, I would not say a word about anything else that I knew. I agree with pp that your DH will try to cover his tracks and lay low.

Disney Doll gave you a great step by step plan. I'd use it. It is best to be prepared. There is no way to know how this will end. The last thing you need are loose ends that your husband (if he is in fact cheating --- which I hate to say looks likely in some way shape or form) can manipulate as he sees fit. He is already proving he isn't looking out for your marriage or you. Take care of yourself while you are thinking clearly.

We all wish you well. Too many warning signs going off at the same time to ignore. Cover your bases. Be strong.
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Old 01-07-2013, 10:21 AM   #122
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Originally Posted by Disney Doll
OP, why would you have to take your earrings out to pummel him? I'd probably leave my earrings in so I'd still look good after I was finished.

OK, let's recap.
DH got an inappropriate text.
DW got some "insider" information that DH is being a dog at the gym.
DW tipped her hand a bit by letting DH know she saw the inappropriate text.

So what to do now...

Prepare & Protect yourself first.

I would take a look at and copy all my financial information and put it in a safe place outside of my home. Make sure you get tax returns, retirement information, savings and checking accounts and copies of all credit card accounts. Make you sure date them all so that you know on "X" date you had this much money, owed this much money etc.

Get any jewelry of any monetary value out of the house (good for hocking later if necessary).

Get any small items (things your husband wouldn't notice/miss) with any sentimental value out of the house.

Open a savings account (preferably in the name of someone else who you trust) and start putting $ into it.

Keep an eye on credit card usage in the future, to make sure big bills aren't being run up.

Keep an eye on all savings/checking/retirement accounts in the future to make sure money isn't being withdrawn.

Perhaps your stepmother would be willing to allow you to store the items at her house & open an account using her name. If not her, then perhaps a trusted friend would be willing to help you.

Now there are those who think that these steps are a bit premature, but it has been my experience when my friends have been in these situations that they decline quickly. None of this is bad if the OP works this out. It's not bad for the OP to have a handle on her financial situation. It's not bad for the OP to have control over her jewelry/sentimental items & if the situation rights itself the jewelry & other items can always come back into the home. It's not bad to have a savings account and if the situation rights itself that money can always be placed into the joint accounts at a later date.

The next thing I would do is to start getting cell phone logs & see what cell phone usage there is.. who he is calling and how frequently.

I wouldn't say anything about knowing someone at the gym. That's not information he needs to know and you might need to ask that person for some assistance. The last thing you want to do is have husband know everything you have in your arsenal while he's sneaking around. He has no problem keeping things from you so you should, at this point, play things close to the vest as well. Chances are he's in panic mode right now figuring how to go further underground with this, so you can probably get all the stuff I suggested done without him realizing it's happening.

I'd also probably talk to an attorney just to see what my options are in terms of separation and divorce.

Then I'd watch and wait. I know the intial reaction is to pummel him, scream, tell him everything you know etc. But you have to think rationally and logically so that you protect your own interests.
This is great advice. I did the opposite & it was wrong!

Good luck.
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Old 01-07-2013, 10:50 AM   #123
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With the update. Prepare for him to go underground. Go with your gut. Period. If it feels fishy or like it is wrong & doesn't make sense. That is because it doesn't! You are your best lie detector. Trust yourself.

Good luck.
Agree 100% he'll go underground. first of all why does a random woman at the gym have his phone number? Very fishy.

If you can't access phone records maybe do what I did and buy a $50 voice activated recorder and put it in the car. I caught my ex within 3 days, after months of being gaslighted.
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Old 01-07-2013, 10:51 AM   #124
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Like somebody else said, prepare for your DH to cover his tracks more if he is indeed doing something he shouldn't.

I will bet all text history has been deleted.

Not sure why people get themselves into these situations. Maybe he is one of those types that enjoys attention from the opposite gender.

How long has he been going to the gym? Maybe he is rediscovering some self esteem and is going down the wrong road because of it.

Does he wear a wedding ring?
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Old 01-07-2013, 11:12 AM   #125
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When it comes to straight members of the opposite gender, the word 'date' means romantic in my experience--not lunch, working out, etc. It means something inappropriate for people in a marriage (unless it's 'open' I guess) to do with members of the opposite sex.

As a woman I might tell a female friend we had a lunch or coffee date, but never a male.

Obviously OP you've since found out other things are going on, but I'm surprised at the number of people who felt these texts could have been innocent.
This is completely beyond what the OP is going through, but a lunch "date" can be with either sex.

DH's very best friend was killed several years ago in a car accident. He knew the wife pretty well because she came to work often and the three of them would go out to lunch. Same with me. I knew her husband better than her. We didn't do much as couples as this guy was more his buddy, golfing partner etc.

He has a standing monthly lunch "date" with the widow. Nothing nefarious. She now has a new boyfriend. They just go out to lunch and reminisce and DH keeps her up to date on what is going on at work, etc. She uses his shoulder to lean on going through the whole inlaws are distancing themselves from her - not part of family anymore. Again, totally innocent and I hear all the detail when DH gets home in the evening.

I don't know what else you would call it but a luncheon "date." Men and women can have innocent luncheon "dates" or other kind of "dates" that are innocent.

(Although this does not sound like the OP's case.)
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Old 01-07-2013, 11:13 AM   #126
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Originally Posted by KiKi Mouse



Not sure why people get themselves into these situations. Maybe he is one of those types that enjoys attention from the opposite gender.
?
this describes my ex to a "T". He enjoyed attention from the opposite sex and over time his boundries became blurry. I had no issue with my ex being friends with other women he knew from college or past jobs, but feel it's trouble when a married man starts new texting friendships with women out of the blue, like at the gym.
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Old 01-07-2013, 11:15 AM   #127
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OP, I say go with your first instinct: frying pan to the face. That will give you plenty of time to think things through.
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Old 01-07-2013, 11:46 AM   #128
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsklamc View Post
When it comes to straight members of the opposite gender, the word 'date' means romantic in my experience--not lunch, working out, etc. It means something inappropriate for people in a marriage (unless it's 'open' I guess) to do with members of the opposite sex.

As a woman I might tell a female friend we had a lunch or coffee date, but never a male.

Obviously OP you've since found out other things are going on, but I'm surprised at the number of people who felt these texts could have been innocent.
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Originally Posted by Hrhpd View Post
This is completely beyond what the OP is going through, but a lunch "date" can be with either sex.

DH's very best friend was killed several years ago in a car accident. He knew the wife pretty well because she came to work often and the three of them would go out to lunch. Same with me. I knew her husband better than her. We didn't do much as couples as this guy was more his buddy, golfing partner etc.

He has a standing monthly lunch "date" with the widow. Nothing nefarious. She now has a new boyfriend. They just go out to lunch and reminisce and DH keeps her up to date on what is going on at work, etc. She uses his shoulder to lean on going through the whole inlaws are distancing themselves from her - not part of family anymore. Again, totally innocent and I hear all the detail when DH gets home in the evening.

I don't know what else you would call it but a luncheon "date." Men and women can have innocent luncheon "dates" or other kind of "dates" that are innocent.

(Although this does not sound like the OP's case.)
I tend to agree with mrsklamc on this one. I have gone out to lunch (or whatever) platonically with members of the opposite sex plenty of times... but I wouldn't use the word "date" to describe it, especially with a married man.

I suppose "luncheon date" would be accurate ("date" can be a synonym for "appointment") but IMHO, "date" has a specific connotation between opposite-gender companions. Even if it's completely innocent, it's apt to be misunderstood. I'd say "I'm meeting Bill for lunch today." or "Bill and I are going to lunch on Tuesday." Or "I owe Bill lunch." but never "Bill and I have a date for lunch." I'd go out of my way to avoid using the word "date," in fact.

In the case of Hrhpd's husband -- it sounds like he's a really nice guy and I wouldn't have a problem with my husband meeting his best friend's widow for lunch. I wouldn't expect him to call it a "date" though.

VeganCupcake -- so sorry to hear about the direction things are going. I hope it all works out.
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Old 01-07-2013, 11:50 AM   #129
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this describes my ex to a "T". He enjoyed attention from the opposite sex and over time his boundries became blurry. I had no issue with my ex being friends with other women he knew from college or past jobs, but feel it's trouble when a married man starts new texting friendships with women out of the blue, like at the gym.
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Old 01-07-2013, 12:06 PM   #130
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Old 01-07-2013, 12:24 PM   #131
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Sounds like he has a lot of explaining to do. Based on what you've heard about how he acts at the gym, I don't think I would buy his explanation to you.

I know that this probably will rub some people the wrong way, but at this point, I would go into full investigator mode. See if you can get a hold of his phone again and go through the rest of his texts (if he hasn't deleted them by now) and call logs so you can see who he's been communicating with. Also, if you know how to get into his email or facebook, I'd check those as well. Yes, I know its snooping and normally I wouldn't condone it, but its one of the only ways to get the real truth rather than trusting just his word. If you don't find anything incriminating that is great. If you do find something, then at least you know what's been going on behind his back.

Also, do you have any friends (that he might not know) that go to the same gym? Wondering if it would be possible to get someone to "spy" on him and see how he really acts at the gym. Its always possible that the reports from your parents neighbors could have been exaggeratted since their was alcohol involved.

I wish you the best of luck!
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Old 01-07-2013, 02:50 PM   #132
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Originally Posted by Hrhpd View Post
This is completely beyond what the OP is going through, but a lunch "date" can be with either sex.

DH's very best friend was killed several years ago in a car accident. He knew the wife pretty well because she came to work often and the three of them would go out to lunch. Same with me. I knew her husband better than her. We didn't do much as couples as this guy was more his buddy, golfing partner etc.

He has a standing monthly lunch "date" with the widow. Nothing nefarious. She now has a new boyfriend. They just go out to lunch and reminisce and DH keeps her up to date on what is going on at work, etc. She uses his shoulder to lean on going through the whole inlaws are distancing themselves from her - not part of family anymore. Again, totally innocent and I hear all the detail when DH gets home in the evening.

I don't know what else you would call it but a luncheon "date." Men and women can have innocent luncheon "dates" or other kind of "dates" that are innocent.

(Although this does not sound like the OP's case.)
Meeting for lunch. The word 'date,' between a man and a woman who are both straight, has a romantic connotation & most married people would avoid using it with people other than their spouse.
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Old 01-07-2013, 02:53 PM   #133
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Meeting for lunch. The word 'date,' between a man and a woman who are both straight, has a romantic connotation & most married people would avoid using it with people other than their spouse.
Agreed.
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Old 01-07-2013, 04:55 PM   #134
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Originally Posted by Hrhpd View Post
This is completely beyond what the OP is going through, but a lunch "date" can be with either sex.

DH's very best friend was killed several years ago in a car accident. He knew the wife pretty well because she came to work often and the three of them would go out to lunch. Same with me. I knew her husband better than her. We didn't do much as couples as this guy was more his buddy, golfing partner etc.

He has a standing monthly lunch "date" with the widow. Nothing nefarious. She now has a new boyfriend. They just go out to lunch and reminisce and DH keeps her up to date on what is going on at work, etc. She uses his shoulder to lean on going through the whole inlaws are distancing themselves from her - not part of family anymore. Again, totally innocent and I hear all the detail when DH gets home in the evening.

I don't know what else you would call it but a luncheon "date." Men and women can have innocent luncheon "dates" or other kind of "dates" that are innocent.

(Although this does not sound like the OP's case.)
I just have to say that this is the nicest thing that I have read about in awhile. How, so very kind of your husband to take out his best friends wife every month. I am touched just by reading about this kind gesture. Sadly, this is not usually the case. Often times the widow, loses her friends just when she needs them the most. Bless you and your husband.

OP, I have no advice for you, but wish you the best of luck.
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Old 01-07-2013, 07:00 PM   #135
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OP, I say go with your first instinct: frying pan to the face. That will give you plenty of time to think things through.
No, no, no. That is too impulsive.

Wait until he falls asleep, sew him into his blanket, and THEN beat him with a frying pan.

Seriously, I am pretty sure this happened to either Willie Nelson or George Jones....... His woman planned ahead for resistance and rendered resistance futile.

Okay, I just googled it. The wife sewed Willie up into a sheet, then beat him with a broomstick. By the time he escaped bondage, she had run off in the car with the kids. He decided chasing after her nekkid was not a good idea.
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