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Old 01-16-2013, 05:38 PM   #226
horseshowmom
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Originally Posted by sam_gordon View Post
Glad things worked out for you OP!

It's a coincidence, but the local radio talk show had private investigators on yesterday morning and were taking calls. One guy called in saying years ago, his wife had done her own "investigating", shadowed him, and got photographs of him going into motels at night and then coming out hours later showered & cleaned up.

Turns out the guy had taken a night job painting hotel rooms. He didn't tell his wife because he wanted to surprise her with some piece of jewelry he was saving for.
I can add to that.

Quite a few years ago, my husband and I shared an email account (the one assigned by our internet provider - this was a long time ago). The email address was my husband's first name @ the internet carrier.

I opened an email, and it was very odd. There was a woman telling "my husband's name" how much she had enjoyed Saturday and how much she was looking forward to getting back together again soon.

Normally, I would find this suspicious, but I know my husband very well. His first marriage ended due to his ex-wife's infidelity, and he has a very low opinion of cheaters. When I say this would be totally out of character, I know what I'm saying.

So, I called him into the room to look at the email. His eyes got big, and his eyebrows went up. He stood there for a minute and then said, "I have absolutely no idea who that is. I know it sounds strange, but I don't know anything about it."

I smiled and said, "You do know that most wives wouldn't believe you, don't you?" He looked very sheepish and said, "I know for SURE that it's not true, and I'm not sure I believe me."

I emailed the woman back and told her that I thought she had the wrong person. I don't think I heard anything back from her (been a long time, can't remember).

Not too long after that, I was talking to a friend of ours (retired from our school district and lives near us) who was then working for one of the state universities helping teachers prepare for National Board Certification (a year long process). She needed some information and wrote her email address down for me. Her email address was the exact same as ours except hers had a 1 after the name (husband's name1).

I asked her if she happened to know X (the name on the email)? She said, "Oh, yes! She's in my National Board group. We meet on Saturdays to work on Nat'l Board prep. She lives down in (can't remember where, but nowhere near us)."

I started laughing and told her about the email. She started laughing and said, "That was you? She told us about that and said she was afraid she had gotten somebody in a lot of trouble!"

ETA: Her first name shortened into a nickname was the same as DH's first name.

Last edited by horseshowmom; 01-16-2013 at 08:57 PM.
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Old 01-16-2013, 07:23 PM   #227
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Oh my goodness! I swear the universe has just been working against me posting! I had this these huge posts typed up a few times and every time something happened, one time DH came home unexpectedly, one time I accidently closed the webpage, and another time my DS did! Grrrr! I didn't want everyone to think I was a fake poster (like the 7 months pregnant thread we all got sucked into )

Ok So after I found the phone and all the phone calls, I really tried to take everyone's advice and keep "my hand hidden" but it did not work. I flipped, like flipppppped out. I typed up all of the records and busted into his job and asked him if he could take a break. He tried talking and explaining and every time he said anything I had something sarcastic to say, I was just so so sooo angry and hurt. So I left his job and look to my right while I'm driving home and who is next to me in traffic? HIM! So he follows me home and forced me to listen, he opened his email from the time of the calls, and low and behold (and I'd rather have egg on my vegan face then have a husband who is having an affair for sure) there is no way anything was going on, he showed me everything. The phone call log also records messages as phone calls as well(he proved this- so what looked liked 20 calls in one day was maybe 4 calls and text messages) . The woman is a principal at a school, and was trying to help him get into GED classes(he has always had good jobs, but he wants to be able to go further and be able to tell our son he did it when he gets older). The emails proved way beyond a reasonable doubt that there was 110% nothing going on. He still apologized for the weird text between him and her, because he wouldn't want me(innocent or not) giving him reason to doubt me.

So that problem is taken care of. I asked him why he felt "ashamed" since there was nothing going on and he said it was for the way he made me feel. He doesn't want me to feel like he is cheating.

We still have the issue of the gym behavior to address. The gym membership is canceled, but its the attitude is what worried me. However the more and more I think about it, when I met him and he was single we worked out at the same gym(I worked right next door to it) and I always saw him keeping to himself working out like a lunatic, and even when we moved and started at a newer gym my friends/family/coworkers(lots of athletes/police/health gurus in my circle of friends, I'm not a gym rat haha) would always say "oh I saw your DH at the gym, he is always so focused on his workout." so it's a little weird that he would behave a certain way at a gym knowing my parents would absolutely tell me if there neighbor said something weird to them.
Either way we both know that we have some issues to work on in our relationship. I don't know what happened, when we were first together I felt super confident (not arrogant) and over the years I just have been feeling more and more insecure. So obviously that is something that I need to work out as well. I did it! I'm going to post this and nothing is going to stop me!
Call me cynical, but this still sounds fishy to me. I hope you're right, op, but it seems like it's just as plausible that he got you to feel guilty about his misbehavior.
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Old 01-16-2013, 07:46 PM   #228
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I feel like he turned this whole thing around to make you look like the bad one. That somehow YOU have issues to work on with your jealousy.

I still think something is going on, but maybe it's because I have known way too many people who have had gym hook-ups. It's like joining the mile high club, but on a treadmill.
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:15 PM   #229
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Originally Posted by DisneyFan32WI
I feel like he turned this whole thing around to make you look like the bad one. That somehow YOU have issues to work on with your jealousy.

I still think something is going on, but maybe it's because I have known way too many people who have had gym hook-ups. It's like joining the mile high club, but on a treadmill.
Good point you make.
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:26 PM   #230
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Originally Posted by ms.yt View Post
Call me cynical, but this still sounds fishy to me. I hope you're right, op, but it seems like it's just as plausible that he got you to feel guilty about his misbehavior.
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Originally Posted by DisneyFan32WI View Post
I feel like he turned this whole thing around to make you look like the bad one. That somehow YOU have issues to work on with your jealousy.

I still think something is going on, but maybe it's because I have known way too many people who have had gym hook-ups. It's like joining the mile high club, but on a treadmill.
Except the guy showed the OP the emails and the call logs and she says she's beyond reasonable doubt and 110% convinced nothing is going on.

Why does everyone assume the worst in everyone else? (rhetorical question)
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Old 01-16-2013, 09:02 PM   #231
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I'm still suspicious too. The evidence that HE shows would, of course, make him look good. What about the evidence that he DOESN'T show, which of course could be non-existent?
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Old 01-16-2013, 09:08 PM   #232
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Except the guy showed the OP the emails and the call logs and she says she's beyond reasonable doubt and 110% convinced nothing is going on.

Why does everyone assume the worst in everyone else? (rhetorical question)
Even though your question was rhetorical, I'm going to answer it anyway. I've been there and have also convinced myself that it was just my paranoia. Also, I had a friend who was cheating on her husband, and the lengths she would go to to convince him nothing was happening were astounding. He would check her phone every night, so she paid cash for a prepaid phone. Once he caught her using that, he made her destroy it by driving over it with her vehicle. Of course, the next day she bought another one and this time kept it in a rented mailbox at one of those mailbox stores. He had spyware on their computer, so she would go to public computers to talk to him. All the while, she was successfully convincing him that things had stopped.
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Old 01-16-2013, 09:08 PM   #233
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I'm still suspicious too. I would probably still snoop. Especially now that he thinks you believe him.... After a while of not finding anything, I may let it go.

A couple of things still don't add up for me. Like why have a second phone? Why would the neighbor say anything at all if it wasn't obvious questionable behavior? Did he ever explain what the 'date' was?
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Old 01-17-2013, 05:52 AM   #234
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Originally Posted by ms.yt View Post
Call me cynical, but this still sounds fishy to me. I hope you're right, op, but it seems like it's just as plausible that he got you to feel guilty about his misbehavior.
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Originally Posted by DisneyFan32WI View Post
I feel like he turned this whole thing around to make you look like the bad one. That somehow YOU have issues to work on with your jealousy.

I still think something is going on, but maybe it's because I have known way too many people who have had gym hook-ups. It's like joining the mile high club, but on a treadmill.
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I'm still suspicious too. The evidence that HE shows would, of course, make him look good. What about the evidence that he DOESN'T show, which of course could be non-existent?
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I'm still suspicious too. I would probably still snoop. Especially now that he thinks you believe him.... After a while of not finding anything, I may let it go.

A couple of things still don't add up for me. Like why have a second phone? Why would the neighbor say anything at all if it wasn't obvious questionable behavior? Did he ever explain what the 'date' was?
I'd be very cautious- but I'm probably projecting my own situation. My husband was "gaslighting" me for years. Every time I had a concern or suspicion- I was paranoid, crazy, didn't trust him etc. He made me feel like the one with the problem. Guess what? Now that we are separated people are coming out of the WOODWORK to tell me things they saw- like 4 or 5 years ago my dh going to this woman's work- her getting this huge smile on her face, grabbing her coat and them leaving together.... FIVE YEARS AGO! If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... it's a duck.
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:07 AM   #235
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Well, my first instinct is always to trust what my gut is telling me, but I do wish the OP well.
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:11 PM   #236
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Sorry I am responding to this thread so late...I've been at WDW chasing Donald Duck for 13.1 miles!

About hiring a PI: Yeah, when it gets to the point that you are hiring a PI, things are bad, trust is in question and that's bad for any relationship.

We spent almost 2 months trying to get my sister to hire a PI to verify things. This was one year AFTER she had become suspicious of her DH's actions and 6 months after she shared with me something was wrong in her marriage and it was 1 1/2 years AFTER *I* was suspicious! Her excuses were that hiring a PI was 1) expensive, 2) would make him angry when he found out, and 3) would tell her the truth. I think #3 was the most painful for her after 34 years of marriage.

So, the trust was gone, she had spent one whole year listening to his lies and blaming of her on any trouble they were having. He always had an answer for her worries, thoughts or questions. After all, he was trying to be a good guy so it was all made up in her mind!

So, why bother hiring a PI when a marriage is having this serious of problems? Well, sometimes it can make a difference in your settlement. TN halves everything. 50/50 so really, why bother?
Well, I can tell you...when your DH of 34 years is messing around with an under age girl and the PI finds out who, what, where, when and has pics and videos, hiring that PI made all the difference in the world. Not in court, it has not gone to court, but in mediation. Once my BIL found out he had been followed (he still does not know what she has against him or does not have), instead of splitting 50/50, he gave her everything--the house and the business (which was really his). She would have never done so well IF she had not hired that PI and he had not been doing something illegal and got so scared. She did not demand anything in mediation...but it was what it was and he decided to walk away.

So, even though the trust can be gone and the marriage over by that point, sometimes going ahead with a PI is a smart thing to do for your future.

OP, I wish you well. I am as skeptical as the rest here who are because of my experience (and as a hairdresser of many other's experiences with lies and "explanations" which a later found out to be false.) I had known my BIL since I was about 9yo and I'm almost 48 now. He was idolized by me growing up, I loved me much like a brother. I would have never, ever believed he would lie, directly to my face, so many times over the past 5 years...there are no words for that type of hurt (broken trust).
I hope things get better for you all. I just can't help but think of Cheating 101...
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:35 PM   #237
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Except the guy showed the OP the emails and the call logs and she says she's beyond reasonable doubt and 110% convinced nothing is going on.

Why does everyone assume the worst in everyone else? (rhetorical question)
Quite honestly, for me it's probably an occupational hazard. I've spent too many years listen to too many custody battles, ugly divorces, criminals, negligent parents, ex-business owner partners, customers v. business owners and lawyers, lawyers, lawyers explain everything away oh so neatly to accept things at face value.

The last case I worked on involved a habitualized, non-violent felon walking out of the courtroom pleading, but Your Honor, I gave you may word it will never happen again! This after more than two dozen convictions for the same crime -- none of which he committed voluntarily -- it was the drugs, it was because he stood up to a boss committing fraud, it's because he's constantly harassed by teen thugs, etc., etc. I agreed with the judge -- we're done here.

I have no idea if the OP was sincere with the initial story & feels she needs to detach from the online portion of the saga, truly accepts the update version as she's given it or was yanking everyone's chain from the beginning. I wish no one truly in that situation ill & OP owes me no explanations.
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