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Old 01-11-2013, 10:33 AM   #211
aaarcher86
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Originally Posted by Bluestars View Post
What about the spouses who really are cheating? Should their wives or husbands trust every word they say without trying to find out more information? Another problem is that when a cheater is confronted, the cheater usually lies. So again, should the spouse trust the answer?

So your uncle was right. Maybe he needed confirmation. There's nothing wrong with seeking additional information when signs point to cheating. A person shouldn't feel guilty for doing what it takes to protect her health or emotionally well being. A cheating spouse can bring home an STD or HIV. I think it would be unwise to ignore signs of cheating and just trust your spouse, just like I think it's unwise to immediately jump to conclusions.
Sure, spouses can lie about cheating. Whether the spouse trusts the answer or not is up to them.

If someone wants to follow someone around, plant recording devices, and check text messages to dig a little deeper that's totally up to them as well. I just think it's a waste of time if you're at the point where you've lost enough trust to take it to that level. Does anyone really feel better about the situation when they do things like that? I just think it ends up driving the person doing the hunting crazy in the long run. If they don't find anything, when do they stop? They'll always be suspicious. I don't think you can trust someone any less than 100%. If you don't trust their explanation, there's probably a deeper reason.

I just wouldn't go through the trouble, personally. I'm not judging someone who does, but I do think that they're hoping it will bring some kind of comfort or closure and more times than not they're disappointed.
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Old 01-11-2013, 11:36 AM   #212
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Originally Posted by aaarcher86 View Post
Sure, spouses can lie about cheating. Whether the spouse trusts the answer or not is up to them.

If someone wants to follow someone around, plant recording devices, and check text messages to dig a little deeper that's totally up to them as well. I just think it's a waste of time if you're at the point where you've lost enough trust to take it to that level. Does anyone really feel better about the situation when they do things like that? I just think it ends up driving the person doing the hunting crazy in the long run. If they don't find anything, when do they stop? They'll always be suspicious. I don't think you can trust someone any less than 100%. If you don't trust their explanation, there's probably a deeper reason.

I just wouldn't go through the trouble, personally. I'm not judging someone who does, but I do think that they're hoping it will bring some kind of comfort or closure and more times than not they're disappointed.
I am with you on this. If I was s suspicions of my spouse that I felt the need to investigate him it would be because of his behavior. I would not want to live with a man whose behavior was such that I could not trust him. At that point our marriage wold be over. I would not need "proof". The only proof I would need was how I was treated by my husband and the kind of treatment that would make me so vulnerable that i was checking up on him would not be acceptable to me.
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Old 01-15-2013, 01:28 PM   #213
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Any update, OP?
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Old 01-16-2013, 07:55 AM   #214
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Oh my goodness! I swear the universe has just been working against me posting! I had this these huge posts typed up a few times and every time something happened, one time DH came home unexpectedly, one time I accidently closed the webpage, and another time my DS did! Grrrr! I didn't want everyone to think I was a fake poster (like the 7 months pregnant thread we all got sucked into )

Ok So after I found the phone and all the phone calls, I really tried to take everyone's advice and keep "my hand hidden" but it did not work. I flipped, like flipppppped out. I typed up all of the records and busted into his job and asked him if he could take a break. He tried talking and explaining and every time he said anything I had something sarcastic to say, I was just so so sooo angry and hurt. So I left his job and look to my right while I'm driving home and who is next to me in traffic? HIM! So he follows me home and forced me to listen, he opened his email from the time of the calls, and low and behold (and I'd rather have egg on my vegan face then have a husband who is having an affair for sure) there is no way anything was going on, he showed me everything. The phone call log also records messages as phone calls as well(he proved this- so what looked liked 20 calls in one day was maybe 4 calls and text messages) . The woman is a principal at a school, and was trying to help him get into GED classes(he has always had good jobs, but he wants to be able to go further and be able to tell our son he did it when he gets older). The emails proved way beyond a reasonable doubt that there was 110% nothing going on. He still apologized for the weird text between him and her, because he wouldn't want me(innocent or not) giving him reason to doubt me.

So that problem is taken care of. I asked him why he felt "ashamed" since there was nothing going on and he said it was for the way he made me feel. He doesn't want me to feel like he is cheating.

We still have the issue of the gym behavior to address. The gym membership is canceled, but its the attitude is what worried me. However the more and more I think about it, when I met him and he was single we worked out at the same gym(I worked right next door to it) and I always saw him keeping to himself working out like a lunatic, and even when we moved and started at a newer gym my friends/family/coworkers(lots of athletes/police/health gurus in my circle of friends, I'm not a gym rat haha) would always say "oh I saw your DH at the gym, he is always so focused on his workout." so it's a little weird that he would behave a certain way at a gym knowing my parents would absolutely tell me if there neighbor said something weird to them.
Either way we both know that we have some issues to work on in our relationship. I don't know what happened, when we were first together I felt super confident (not arrogant) and over the years I just have been feeling more and more insecure. So obviously that is something that I need to work out as well. I did it! I'm going to post this and nothing is going to stop me!
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Old 01-16-2013, 07:59 AM   #215
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Originally Posted by VeganCupcake View Post
Oh my goodness! I swear the universe has just been working against me posting! I had this these huge posts typed up a few times and every time something happened, one time DH came home unexpectedly, one time I accidently closed the webpage, and another time my DS did! Grrrr! I didn't want everyone to think I was a fake poster (like the 7 months pregnant thread we all got sucked into )

Ok So after I found the phone and all the phone calls, I really tried to take everyone's advice and keep "my hand hidden" but it did not work. I flipped, like flipppppped out. I typed up all of the records and busted into his job and asked him if he could take a break. He tried talking and explaining and every time he said anything I had something sarcastic to say, I was just so so sooo angry and hurt. So I left his job and look to my right while I'm driving home and who is next to me in traffic? HIM! So he follows me home and forced me to listen, he opened his email from the time of the calls, and low and behold (and I'd rather have egg on my vegan face then have a husband who is having an affair for sure) there is no way anything was going on, he showed me everything. The phone call log also records messages as phone calls as well(he proved this- so what looked liked 20 calls in one day was maybe 4 calls and text messages) . The woman is a principal at a school, and was trying to help him get into GED classes(he has always had good jobs, but he wants to be able to go further and be able to tell our son he did it when he gets older). The emails proved way beyond a reasonable doubt that there was 110% nothing going on. He still apologized for the weird text between him and her, because he wouldn't want me(innocent or not) giving him reason to doubt me.

So that problem is taken care of. I asked him why he felt "ashamed" since there was nothing going on and he said it was for the way he made me feel. He doesn't want me to feel like he is cheating.

We still have the issue of the gym behavior to address. The gym membership is canceled, but its the attitude is what worried me. However the more and more I think about it, when I met him and he was single we worked out at the same gym(I worked right next door to it) and I always saw him keeping to himself working out like a lunatic, and even when we moved and started at a newer gym my friends/family/coworkers(lots of athletes/police/health gurus in my circle of friends, I'm not a gym rat haha) would always say "oh I saw your DH at the gym, he is always so focused on his workout." so it's a little weird that he would behave a certain way at a gym knowing my parents would absolutely tell me if there neighbor said something weird to them.
Either way we both know that we have some issues to work on in our relationship. I don't know what happened, when we were first together I felt super confident (not arrogant) and over the years I just have been feeling more and more insecure. So obviously that is something that I need to work out as well. I did it! I'm going to post this and nothing is going to stop me!
Great to know everything is all tidied up so quickly.
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Old 01-16-2013, 07:59 AM   #216
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Thanks for the update and I hope you can work things out.
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:01 AM   #217
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Great to know everything is all tidied up so quickly.
Yeah for sure, I am glad that I just got it over with because now I feel much better.

Quote:
Thanks for the update and I hope you can work things out.
Thank you, me too!
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:03 AM   #218
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VeganCupcake View Post
Oh my goodness! I swear the universe has just been working against me posting! I had this these huge posts typed up a few times and every time something happened, one time DH came home unexpectedly, one time I accidently closed the webpage, and another time my DS did! Grrrr! I didn't want everyone to think I was a fake poster (like the 7 months pregnant thread we all got sucked into )
To be honest, that did cross my mind!! We've all been duped and scarred! LOL!

Im glad everything worked out. Thanks for the update!
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:07 AM   #219
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To be honest, that did cross my mind!! We've all been duped and scarred! LOL!
I know right! I wanted to start a new user name for privacy, but I didn't want anyone to think it was a fake post! Everyone please know I'm a real person! I have way too much to do in real life to make up fake scenarios for an online Disney forum!
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:14 AM   #220
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Glad it all worked out for you

Hopefully you can get to the root of why you have feelings like that and solve it just as quickly.
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:38 AM   #221
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Thanks for the update.

I am so glad to be wrong. It didn't look good at all, so many classic signs. But a different end result. Glad, glad, glad to be wrong.

It's nice that your husband followed you to talk. It means a lot. Sounds like you two are on the same page. Best wishes to you guys.
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:51 AM   #222
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I wish you well.
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:53 AM   #223
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Thanks for the update, OP! Glad to hear things are resolved!
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Old 01-16-2013, 09:07 AM   #224
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Glad things worked out for you OP!

It's a coincidence, but the local radio talk show had private investigators on yesterday morning and were taking calls. One guy called in saying years ago, his wife had done her own "investigating", shadowed him, and got photographs of him going into motels at night and then coming out hours later showered & cleaned up.

Turns out the guy had taken a night job painting hotel rooms. He didn't tell his wife because he wanted to surprise her with some piece of jewelry he was saving for.
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Old 01-16-2013, 04:04 PM   #225
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Glad things worked out for you OP!

It's a coincidence, but the local radio talk show had private investigators on yesterday morning and were taking calls. One guy called in saying years ago, his wife had done her own "investigating", shadowed him, and got photographs of him going into motels at night and then coming out hours later showered & cleaned up.

Turns out the guy had taken a night job painting hotel rooms. He didn't tell his wife because he wanted to surprise her with some piece of jewelry he was saving for.
OMG ha ha. That's funny!
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