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Old 12-28-2012, 04:22 PM   #31
Laura66
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I don't think anything is really going to change. I know I would not have allowed something like that to have happened more than once.
I think you should call her ahead of time and address the problem. She sounds like a royal witch - but this has been going on for so long - maybe your husband and sil have been talking behind your back as well - adding fuel to the fire, so to speak. I don't mean to bad talk your husband - but if he won't stick up for you and support you to your face I gotta wonder what he cries about/tells his mother and sister! 25 years - that's a lot of resentment, assumptions and hurt feelings all around.
You might be able to clear the air, be surprised that she may be hearing the exact same kind of stories about you, stick up for yourself, etc, Maybe nothing will be resolved at all or maybe you could at least agree to a "truce" of some sort to keep peace for the visit.

Last edited by Laura66; 12-28-2012 at 04:28 PM.
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Old 12-28-2012, 05:48 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by mamajo View Post
Thank you, lovavacation. Your answer inspired me. I'm past caring what his family thinks. I raised a great kid, I'm mostly happy in my marriage (except for this inlaw drama). I'm not sure why I'm going when I said I wouldn't. I can't say. Maybe I want a confrontation so it can be over one way or the other. You know the woman syndrome where we do for everyone else but ourselves? I have that affliction in spades. I told him I deserved better and I'm not a horrible person that they should still be so bent on saying things about me. Yes, my SIL hears alot of it and reports back to me. But my daughter gets it also. MIL tells her what a "*****" I am, how she is just like me, how we don't love husband/father and don't appreciate him. We're just evil. I don't know what she's basing this on. They live 200 miles away and are not into our daily business. I'm the one that makes sure she gets a bouquet on her birthday and Mother's Day. He never remembers. I'm the one that told him to call his mother when she had emergency surgury a couple of weeks ago. I'm the one that told him to call his brother to check on him after the funeral of a dear lost loved one. If I'm so evil, why do I do these things??
I'm an idiot, that's why. I'm 53 and I'm so tired of the drama. I understand that my SIL wants to avoid the drama, but on the other hand, she (and I love her to death) likes the drama and has to be in the middle of all of it hence, my thinking she threw me under the bus by saying "Ask her". She should have just said nothing. She had to inform my MIL that we were going to spend the day together. Something I hadn't planned on announcing. But understand that to me loving someone means taking them good and bad. I take my vows very seriously for better or worse but I had finally stood up for myself and said I was not going down there anymore and he was caught off guard. I should have stuck to my guns, I guess, but I caved because he said he needed me there. He didn't want to be in the position of explaining why I didn't come with him. I don't know why. He goes off with his brothers and leaves me with his mom. They need to get over it and I need to find my courage to stand up for myself. Being a nice person doesn't always mean being a pushover (though that's my history). I haven't done anything to them and I have done everything for him. I told him I deserved better than what I was getting from him and from them. Thanks everyone for weighing in and I'll let you know how it pans out!!
So tell your DH right now that he has a choice: he either stands up to his family this trip or you stay at home. Give him the choice and stck to it. If you don't it's not a DH or a MIL problem that you have, but a spine problem. The solution is far easier than you are making it seem. You can't change your MIL or your DH, but you can and need to change yourself Stop shielding them from the consequences of their actions or stop feeling hurt by them.
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Old 12-28-2012, 06:01 PM   #33
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here is my advice....

1. If SIL brings it up, I'd tell her to keep it to herself, that after 25 years you just don't care what they think (you may love her but if she likes drama, she maybe stirring the pot without realizing it)

2. Not liking you is one thing, but what she said to your dd is over the line and next time, if DH doesn't call her out on it, then I would, she is calling your DD a swear word and sorry cuss me all you want but mess with my kids and you will get called on the carpet for it.

3. Since you are visiting, tell husband that he is NOT to leave you alone with mother, if he and brother go somewhere, you are going to. He wanted you to come along and come along you are.

4. If you haven't invested in a kindle fire or some books and while you are there Read or play games be nice but not available. His family, he can do the dishes etc.

5. Go back to number 1. What is said behind your back won't hurt you unless it is brought to your attention. Tell SIL to keep it to herself.
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Old 12-28-2012, 06:27 PM   #34
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I have been married for 38 yrs. He never stood up to his parents for me and it has caused problems. They have said some nasty things to me but always when he is not in the room. He then says that I probably just misunderstood what they said. The divorced a couple of years after we were married and married other people so we saw them at different times. My fil told me right after my baby son died that I must of done something to kill the first born son to carry on the name.????? She made it clear that I was never good enough for her son. I finally decided that I was not going to see his df but he could go. I just didn't want to put up with the stuff that was being said and done to me. He is gone now so one less to worry about. His dm moved across the country for many years so it was great. She has moved back and the first time the 2 of us went to see her she said that she was disappointed that she wasn't having time with just her son. I haven't been back since then and it has been over 3 yrs. When she phones I either don't answer or answer and right away give it to my dh.
It does hurt that I know that my dh will never stick up for me to anyone. We have been to counselling and it has never done any good.
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Old 12-28-2012, 06:28 PM   #35
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I believe there are TWO sides to these kinds of stories. And we have only heard your side. It has been my experience that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

I would suggest you take a good honest look at yourself to see what your real roll in this is. Why would your MIL and BIL feel the way they do? IF indeed they really do. Could you be misunderstanding them? Why does your DH not stand up to them? Could he secretly not see what you are seeing and is afraid to upset you?

I'm not saying thus is you, but I have a SIL who is always playing the poor victim of her inlaws. I honestly believe she believes what she says is accurate. However, the whole family does not see her claims. (Similar to yours) We try to make her feel welcome at all family events, but somehow we offend her.... Everyone offends her.

Just consider your inlaws may not be the only problem.
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Old 12-28-2012, 06:35 PM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by krcit
Well I can tell you the first time my MIL bashed ne to my dd would be the last time. Your SIL shouldn't really repeat what MIL says to her in my opinion because it's just to create drama but if she's bashing you to your children? Nope. I would've told my MIL in no uncertain terms to mind her own damn business and then I'd make sure my dh knew why I was done with her. Good luck.
I totally agree with this. The minute you bring my child into it, game on. And if DH didn't like it, too damn bad!!!
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Old 12-28-2012, 06:51 PM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DVCJones
I believe there are TWO sides to these kinds of stories. And we have only heard your side. It has been my experience that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

I would suggest you take a good honest look at yourself to see what your real roll in this is. Why would your MIL and BIL feel the way they do? IF indeed they really do. Could you be misunderstanding them? Why does your DH not stand up to them? Could he secretly not see what you are seeing and is afraid to upset you?

I'm not saying thus is you, but I have a SIL who is always playing the poor victim of her inlaws. I honestly believe she believes what she says is accurate. However, the whole family does not see her claims. (Similar to yours) We try to make her feel welcome at all family events, but somehow we offend her.... Everyone offends her.

Just consider your inlaws may not be the only problem.
While I agree there are multiple sides to stories, in this case, OP's DD has also been targeted by the MIL according to OP. IMO, if that is true, I don't think OP is misunderstanding the situation.
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Old 12-28-2012, 07:23 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by turkeymama

While I agree there are multiple sides to stories, in this case, OP's DD has also been targeted by the MIL according to OP. IMO, if that is true, I don't think OP is misunderstanding the situation.
I would also agree if that was true. I just don't think any of us could give real advice on this topic because we only know one side. The example with her DD if true is unacceptable. However, I have seen similar examples be twisted. Like how do we know that this example was not an extension of something already started by the OP?

For example my SIL has yelled at my DB in front of the entire family at a family cookout. Swearing like a sailor. She basically embarrassed him. After witnessing something like that, I might say 'that was a (b) thing to do'. If the teenage DD was within earshot, it would have been turned around to, I called her a B in front of her DD.

All I'm saying is that there is no way any of us know the true story. We just know what the OP has said. I have a real hard time believing someone's DH would not speak up if there really was a clear one sided injustice to the OP. There had to be more to the story.

My SIL is also one who will be the one who sends cards or to send sympathies when there is a death in the family. Because it looks good... from afar. No real commitment to put herself out there for my DB.
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Old 12-28-2012, 07:35 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by DVCJones

I would also agree if that was true. I just don't think any of us could give real advice on this topic because we only know one side. The example with her DD if true is unacceptable. However, I have seen similar examples be twisted. Like how do we know that this example was not an extension of something already started by the OP?

For example my SIL has yelled at my DB in front of the entire family at a family cookout. Swearing like a sailor. She basically embarrassed him. After witnessing something like that, I might say 'that was a (b) thing to do'. If the teenage DD was within earshot, it would have been turned around to, I called her a B in front of her DD.

All I'm saying is that there is no way any of us know the true story. We just know what the OP has said. I have a real hard time believing someone's DH would not speak up if there really was a clear one sided injustice to the OP. There had to be more to the story.

My SIL is also one who will be the one who sends cards or to send sympathies when there is a death in the family. Because it looks good... from afar. No real commitment to put herself out there for my DB.
I agree. Sheldon Cooper comes to mind as we talk about this. "If 'ifs and buts' were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas."

When DH and I got married, DMIL was not quite ready to let go of DH. She was fine to take me in as well, but I didn't feel the same. I really just wanted some space. After months of what I considered intrusiveness (some things I could have let slide but other things were very inappropriate), I had enough. DH spoke up, but essentially put the blame on me. Fine, whatever. I have since learned, over the years, she tells people I don't like her and that I feel superior to them. Geez, I just wanted time to be a newly wed. This is how things happened for me, but I'm well aware of where it all began.
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Old 12-28-2012, 07:36 PM   #40
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I would also agree if that was true. I just don't think any of us could give real advice on this topic because we only know one side.
Isn't that true of almost any topic posted on this board or similar ones?

Many threads start off:

"You won't believe what my (insert any number of people like parents, aunt, spouse, cast member, boss, child, grocery store clerk, neighbor, etc) did." The person goes on to tell THEIR side of the story. We don't track down Aunt Sally to get her version of the story.

We have two options. Move on because we feel we don't have enough info to comment on, or give an opinion based on the information we do have. If you take the first approach, I can't for the life of me figure out why you would frequent a message board since the vast majority of posts are one sided.

But, honestly, it seems silly to me to point out that we don't know the whole story. Of course we don't. We never will unless the husband, MIL, FIL, daughter, and the SIL all come on and post. And even then, do you really think all of them will tell the truth or will they all be their own version of the truth?

We must have very different expectations of message boards.
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Old 12-28-2012, 08:02 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by LisaR

Isn't that true of almost any topic posted on this board or similar ones?

Many threads start off:

"You won't believe what my (insert any number of people like parents, aunt, spouse, cast member, boss, child, grocery store clerk, neighbor, etc) did." The person goes on to tell THEIR side of the story. We don't track down Aunt Sally to get her version of the story.

We have two options. Move on because we feel we don't have enough info to comment on, or give an opinion based on the information we do have. If you take the first approach, I can't for the life of me figure out why you would frequent a message board since the vast majority of posts are one sided.

But, honestly, it seems silly to me to point out that we don't know the whole story. Of course we don't. We never will unless the husband, MIL, FIL, daughter, and the SIL all come on and post. And even then, do you really think all of them will tell the truth or will they all be their own version of the truth?

We must have very different expectations of message boards.
That is why, in general I do skip over these types of posts. But this on struck a nerve as I have heard the OP words before.... Knowing there IS another side to this.

My only adviceI would give to the OP is to have an open mind about her true role in her family dynamics. Maybe some counseling would help the both of them too.

As far as message boards... There are a lot of different topics on the Dis that are meaningful to me. I tend to read the more informational threads. But, on occasion, I will comment on something I feel strongly about. The OP description of her problem sounded so familiar to me so I bit...
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Old 12-28-2012, 08:18 PM   #42
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Old 12-28-2012, 09:25 PM   #43
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OP, I just wouldn't go. Period. You need boundaries for yourself.

I think I'd probably put it to DH something like this; "You know how you feel about being put in a position to explain why I'm not there? Multiply that by 100 and you will know how I feel when I'm around people that "say" they want me there but don't show it. In fact they act the opposite! It's painful for me. Why would you want to put me through that?

I call a truce. You get to visit your family in peace without me getting upset over the way I'm treated and how you won't acknowledge it. And I get peace in not having to be put into the fray. You can say I am busy if asked why I'm not there. It would be the truth. We are always busy aren't we?"

If you can't demand your DH stand up for you and get results (for 25 years), I don't think your DH has a leg to stand on in the demands department.

Lastly IMO, no good would come from confrontation of any sort. I think what you would get is denials, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and worse treatment in the future. In other words you would get more of what you have always gotten. The only person that wants and needs change is you. No one else is invested. So I would avoid, avoid, avoid. Accept the things that work in your marriage and work on your DH accepting that he has issues he doesn't like to deal with and you are entitled to the same acceptance from him. It's a two way street.

Good luck with it! Funny how something so simple can be so complicated at the same time. But that's the way it is.

ETA: I wouldn't talk to SIL about how I felt about MIL anymore. Just wouldn't do it. If asked by her, I'd just say I'm not bothered any more. Sounds like she might be carrying tales to you and consciously or not she is doing the same with MIL. Fueling fires and keeping feelings stirred up, trying to or not. It's just best not to know about things sometimes.
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Old 12-28-2012, 10:13 PM   #44
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I have a SIL and DB that constantly leave my head spinning. When I talk with SIL I get a feel for our relationship that is pretty upbeat. We see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, seem to have equally good opinions of each other, etc. Then when I talk with DB he always seems to confide her "true" feelings toward me that aren't so positive (i.e. filled with a lot of jealousy and ignorant criticism). For a decade or more that's kept me from getting closer to my SIL and building any sort of intimate friendship. DB insists we couldn't be friends. I don't know the true story. Yada yada. Only recently have I begun to truly suspect what DB tells me and what is the truth about SIL are entirely different. It seems DB is projecting a lot of his feelings on others. That makes a lot more sense given what I know about DB growing up with him and what he says to me as an adult.

OP, your story leaves me with a lot of unanswered questions. I kinda want you to clear the air too. Find out the truth of what people think. You may find the stories you're being told behind your back are not as accurate as you fear.

On the same token, you have to prepare yourself to receive some real criticism as well. I have another SIL who projects herself as a terrific person, but then she has this dark side that she completely denies. A few years ago she turned her ire against me over some petty jealousy. Nearly destroyed me because my family downplayed it and her hubby made legions of excuses for her. But eventually people started to see what I did. Truth will out in the end.

There's a reason your DH is avoiding the confrontation you seek. Could be he is too intimidated to speak up to his family for you, and then again it could be he secretly agrees with the criticism. It could also be that you're hearing a web of fabrications by a troublemaker. Only way you can find out is to clear the air and hear these criticisms for yourself. Evaluate them as objectively as you can. It could be a simple misunderstanding from your relatives or it could be valid.

When my SIL turned on me I got her critique in writing. Then I shared it with a few trusted friends and my sister without comment to see what they saw in it and in me. I had a few hard truths to accept about myself as well as the painful truths about her. It was the best thing that could have happened because I firmly believe truth is liberating in the end. Once I knew who was undermining me in the family and why, I could conduct my life without crediting their input.

As hard as it is, try not to go in there with an angry chip on your shoulder. Pretend you're an investigator and all you're after are the facts. You can be emotional after you get them.
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Old 12-28-2012, 11:21 PM   #45
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We have had counseling. We've talked about it many times. He just can't seem to bring himself to say something. It hurts and I had a major breakdown about it when he told me I had to go this time. I poured my heart out and said I don't know what I did that they feel they have to attack all the time and he just says he's glad we don't live closer. I guess I don't want to acknowledge that he'll never support me. It hurts too much. I just don't want to deal with it anymore and this just makes an allready hard situation harder for me. Maybe I should just go off. What the heck have I got to lose???

I could have written that post myself. I, too, have been married for 25 years and was lucky enough to live thousands of miles away from MIL for 15 of those years. DH never stood up to her -- ever.

Two years ago, I decided to address the issue with MIL and all the while DH sat there with a "shocked" look on his face as if it were the first time he ever heard there was a problem. Unfortunatley, it did nothing to make the situation with MIL any better. For a time, things were MUCH worse. Half of my IL's don't speak to me now and DH just says nothing.

After the confrontation, I decided that the task of sending cards and gifts to my MIL should go to my DH. Needless to say, nothing has been sent since. Of course, MIL got me on the phone to complain about the lack of birthday cards, etc. I told her to talk to her son.

I love him dearly, but when he told me that counseling would not change the dynamics with us and his family, I realized I couldn't continue being a doormat. The day after Christmas was the last straw and I finally got the courage to ask DH for a divorce. Ugh.

I don't have any good advice for you, I'm sorry. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Take care.
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