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Old 12-28-2012, 02:31 PM   #16
krcit
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You said that they are sweet to your face but nasty behind your back? Who is telling you what they say? I'm just trying to find out info before I answer lol. It's a crap situation and I'm sorry.
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Old 12-28-2012, 02:38 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Jennasis View Post
If your DH has no interest or ability in standing up for you so YOU can be more comfortable, why on EARTH should you go with him so HE won't be uncomfortable and have to explain your absence.

DON'T GO. Stand up for yourself, because he won't.
Indeed. Really, this is simple. Either he stands up for HIS WIFE as he promised to do when he married......or he gets to explain her absence, which won't kill him. Simple. And not your problem.

He cannot MAKE you go. What is he, your daddy? You just say "no." No, no, no. Easy.

Look, one of you is going to feel bad that day. You, because you go on the trip and get treated like crap. Or him, because he has to explain to his rude relatives that you're not coming. Why should it be YOU?

This is within your power. Just don't go. Let your DH deal with it since he can't grow a backbone. You stay home, go to a movie, out to dinner or shopping. Heck, get a massage. Again, there is no reason this should be a difficult decision. Just stay home.

Your DH, by refusing to stand up for you, has MADE HIS CHOICE. Face that and deal with it. MAKE YOUR CHOICE and stay home.
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Old 12-28-2012, 02:38 PM   #18
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If you've decided to go, I would just paste a smile on my face and pretend that everything is fine and dandy. Dont give them ammunition!

My SIL and family members treated me terribly when we were first married (plus all of us worked in a family business together that my DH's father had started). Talk about a pressure cooker of horror. I just acted dumb and didn't engage....in the end it worked out so much better. I never said anything I regretted, those who were moving behind the scenes against me looked stupid, and after about 20 years of marriage my SIL actually aplogized for all that she did. I actually didn't care at that point one way or another....I had focused on my life and building up my family and marriage successfully. She had been divorced 3 times by then and leads a terrible life with pain pills. As they say, living well is the best revenge. But after years of seeing crazy family drama on several fronts, I honestly believe that not participating in drama is best (even if you are right).
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Old 12-28-2012, 02:46 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by mamajo View Post
We have had counseling. We've talked about it many times. He just can't seem to bring himself to say something. It hurts and I had a major breakdown about it when he told me I had to go this time. I poured my heart out and said I don't know what I did that they feel they have to attack all the time and he just says he's glad we don't live closer. I guess I don't want to acknowledge that he'll never support me. It hurts too much. I just don't want to deal with it anymore and this just makes an allready hard situation harder for me. Maybe I should just go off. What the heck have I got to lose???
You are a grown woman. Other than paying taxes, you don't *have* to do anything.

In your situation, I would not go. Stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet for a couple days and let your husband deal with the questions.
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Old 12-28-2012, 02:52 PM   #20
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I have the same husband as you, OP, and we have also been married 25 years.

My DH avoids all confrontation. Need something returned? I do it. Problems with repair work? I take care of getting things fixed. Problems with the kids? I take care of it. Other than his confrontation avoidance, my DH is a great guy, wonderful father, and good provider.

Long ago, I learned that my DH will never stand up to anyone in his family about anything. He is the youngest child, and only son. His sisters and mother were a controlling unit. They disliked me from day one (wrong religion, wrong culture, wrong way of dressing, etc). When we married, I thought my DH would change and defend me, even though my parents warned me you don't marry hoping for change, you marry because you accept!

He still hasn't changed. He claims to not notice the eye rolling and snide remarks, and maybe he really doesn't notice, but still, if I tell him that the treatment from his family bothers me, he should respect that and protect me, right? As should yours, OP, correct? Well, I learned long ago that it will never happen.

Through the years, I have come so close to wanting a divorce, realizing of course that it is DH's family and his lack of backbone that caused me so much grief. I ignored all of his good qualities, and focused on this one huge problem between us, a problem that he didn't even notice!

At this point in my life, with my own children grown and leading wonderful lives of their own, proving to my DH's family that I am a good mom and not the worthless foreigner they thought I was, I am better able to let things slide.

I don't mind having his family over now, because I am showing them that I am a wonderful person, no matter what they may think of me. I am a good wife, one that loves their son/brother, and I will not give them the satisfaction of divorcing my husband. I am finally secure in the person that I am now, and though I still feel irritation over the fact that DH still "doesn't notice" any snide comments, I know his family is noticing that we are still married, my children are great people with good futures ahead of them, and we have a happy home life. And though it is wrong of me, I do take a small measure of joy in knowing that through his siblings divorces and foibles in life, they don't have what we have.

Plus, before passing this year, my MIL had a stroke 2 years ago. After her stroke, she suddenly seemed to appreciate me and even accept me. Love may never have happened between us, but at the end, she was kind to me and my children. I do hope, OP, that it will not take something so drastic as a stroke for your husband's family to see your worth, but sometimes it isn't until the end that we see people for who they truly are.

It isn't easy, OP, to stay by your husband, and sometimes you do have to stand up for yourself, if he won't. Do not allow your anger over your husband's lack of strength with his family to control any decisions you make regarding your marriage though. In the end, they win, if you do give them that power. If this is the one major problem you have with your husband, and you can find it in your heart to focus on his good points, then you will be able to survive his family. He will never change, not after 25 years, you just have to decide if you will allow his family to influence how you respond to his weakness in this matter.

Good luck.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:16 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by mamajo View Post
Hello all. I just need a place to get some perspective. Iíve been married to DH for 25 years and my MIL and one BIL just will not back off the front porch regarding how I ďtreatĒ him. They seem to think I tie him up in the basement or somethingóthat heís mistreated, maligned, abusedówhatever. I donít know why or how they come to that conclusion being that weíre happily married. Itís time for them to move on but they just wonít. I get the sweet treatment to my face, then they snipe behind my back. My DH refuses to ďconfrontĒ anyone (especially his family) and it has been a bone of contention since we married. They have said some pretty nasty things to me over the years, yet, out of respect for him, I have kept my mouth shut and have always participated in family gatherings, cooking, doing dishes, being respectful to her. Never rocking the boat. Iím very close to my SIL (married to the BIL) and MIL resents it for some reason. Point of the story is I have given up trying to please them and have restricted going to visit in the last year or so. They live quite a distance and my husband canít go more than 3 mos. without visiting them. Iíve chosen not to go to save my sanity and perhaps lessen the stress for them (though it just gets them wound up that Iím not there as well). Iím danged if I do, danged if I donít. Iím tired of it. We are leaving tonight to go there and I had tried to get out of it but my husband insists that I go. He doesnít want to have to explain why Iím not there. I am pretty upset that I have to go but am going because ďitís the right thingĒ. I just found out from my SIL that MIL is asking what has she done to ďupsetĒ me? She doesnít understand why I donít seem to want to visit (apparently seeing the pattern). My SIL just threw me under the bus by saying, ďYou have to ask her, donít put me in the middle of it.Ē Everyone is saying if it comes up, I should just have it out and let her know how much sheís hurt me over the years. I am not afraid to say something but 1.) I donít feel it will do any good as she seems to not have a clue she has done anything to upset me, and 2.) my bigger issue is my husband. His mother asks, and he wonít say anything in my defense, hanging me out to dry (AGAIN). It will kill me psychologically if thatís what happens. He knows he should stand up to her for me but he never has and this will just be the final feather for me. If he says nothing, my feelings for him may never be the same. Iím terrified of the outcome. My question is: should I tell him this may hit the fan or do I just see how it plays and give him no heads up (maybe the element of surprise would induce him to speak up for once)? I would never make a scene there (as that would not solve anything) but I am not afraid of saying what I have bottled up for so long. Iím just not looking forward to what may come. Thanks for listening.
1. Your SIL did not throw you under the bus. She did the right thing.
2. If you go, let it hit the fan.
3. Make sure you have a set of car keys because if your husband allows them to mistreat you or does not stand up for you, walk out the door, get into your car, and go home. His brother or mother can give him a ride home.
4. If it comes to #3, insist on counseling. If he won't go, kick him to the curb. 25 years is waaaaayyyyyy too long for him to have stood by and done nothing. I don't understand how you can feel that you're in a happy marriage when your husband is not there for you.
Hugs and I hope it works out.
All that said, if it's your SIL who has been telling you everything your BIL and MIL have said, I'd ask before confronting. I had an SIL who lied to cause tension.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:31 PM   #22
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I have BTDT.
Many here know that there have been issues with how my inlaws have treated me/us. And that my husband's inability to put me, as his wife, first, and his inability to create boundaries and stand up for what is right, was almost a fatal flaw in our marriage.

When it came to the point that FIL was instigating direct confrontation... That was when I told my husband... No more... Never again.... I can no longer subject myself (and our little son) to that kind of abuse. I had to put my foot down. BTDT... Know just how to handle it. (see bolded below) About our marriage, I did have to let him know that if he ever again put his parents feelings first, over any respect for my well being... That, yes, our marriage might be at stake. I know just how you feel. That proposition is, indeed, terrifying!

OP, everyone here is right.
You do not have an inlaw problem, you have a marriage problem.

I do not know the details...
It seems that if most of what they say/do is behind your back, then that in itself seems to deny the opportunity for confrontation. People can feel the way that they want, and say what they want... behind my back. It is whether or not they can be civil and how they treat me in person that matters.

I am wondering if they are making things stressful and being toxic and you feel like they are attacking you, right there, when you are visiting.

I also wonder about how SIL's very wise decision not to place herself in the middle of something that was not her business has been considered a 'slight' to you. She did not throw you under the bus.

Also, if there is a real distance between where you live, and visits are less than every other month. But, somehow that is still a problem.... I am also wondering about that.

So, based on those to details. I will refrain from making any determination.

I will say, without question, that you do have a very serious problem in your marriage with your husband, if he feels that he can demand that you appease his mother, and is always putting her first.

If you feel that you simply can not handle traveling for a visit with his family, then by all means, right now, without any question, argument, discussion, etc...
Tell your husband that you "are happy that he can go visit his family, but given the circumstances, you simply will NOT be going."

No further discussion... State the bolded above.
Repeat verbatim... Lather, rinse, repeat.... repeat again as necessary.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:31 PM   #23
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I would not go on the trip. Life is too short to deal with that crap.

But since you seem to be going, tell DH ahead of time that if he does not stand up for you, it may very well affect your feelings for him permanently. Let him know that him not standing up for you has left you at the mercy of his family and you will not tolerate it any longer. Either he sticks up for you as a DH should or you don't go to his family. Wedding vows say your spouse comes first, not his mother and brother. He needs a refresher course.

But I doubt he will change his pattern after all the years, and that is why I would stay home.
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Originally Posted by mjkacmom View Post
My aunt doesn't like her son's wife much. Why? Because her son (my cousin) is always throwing his wife under the bus. Behind her back, of course.

There is a reason why your MIL and BIL think you are abusing or controlling your DH - your DH gives them that impression. The fact that he won't stand up for you is a warning sign.
This -- ITA!! however!!!!!!! I'm also curious as to how you know they are sweet to your face but saying all this stuff behind your back.. whoever is telling you this.. I would QUESTION the IL's before I flew off the handle @ THEM as someone who would gossip and tell you info they know would upset you could be as much of the problem or more. I agree w/ other PP's that assuming your inlaw's are being two-faced, your bigger problem is your DH, not your IL's. Your DH has obviously never given them any indication that he expects them to accept & respect you.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:35 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by mamajo View Post
Hello all. I just need a place to get some perspective. Iíve been married to DH for 25 years and my MIL and one BIL just will not back off the front porch regarding how I ďtreatĒ him. They seem to think I tie him up in the basement or somethingóthat heís mistreated, maligned, abusedówhatever. I donít know why or how they come to that conclusion being that weíre happily married. Itís time for them to move on but they just wonít. I get the sweet treatment to my face, then they snipe behind my back. My DH refuses to ďconfrontĒ anyone (especially his family) and it has been a bone of contention since we married. They have said some pretty nasty things to me over the years, yet, out of respect for him, I have kept my mouth shut and have always participated in family gatherings, cooking, doing dishes, being respectful to her. Never rocking the boat. Iím very close to my SIL (married to the BIL) and MIL resents it for some reason. Point of the story is I have given up trying to please them and have restricted going to visit in the last year or so. They live quite a distance and my husband canít go more than 3 mos. without visiting them. Iíve chosen not to go to save my sanity and perhaps lessen the stress for them (though it just gets them wound up that Iím not there as well). Iím danged if I do, danged if I donít. Iím tired of it. We are leaving tonight to go there and I had tried to get out of it but my husband insists that I go. He doesnít want to have to explain why Iím not there. I am pretty upset that I have to go but am going because ďitís the right thingĒ. I just found out from my SIL that MIL is asking what has she done to ďupsetĒ me? She doesnít understand why I donít seem to want to visit (apparently seeing the pattern). My SIL just threw me under the bus by saying, ďYou have to ask her, donít put me in the middle of it.Ē Everyone is saying if it comes up, I should just have it out and let her know how much sheís hurt me over the years. I am not afraid to say something but 1.) I donít feel it will do any good as she seems to not have a clue she has done anything to upset me, and 2.) my bigger issue is my husband. His mother asks, and he wonít say anything in my defense, hanging me out to dry (AGAIN). It will kill me psychologically if thatís what happens. He knows he should stand up to her for me but he never has and this will just be the final feather for me. If he says nothing, my feelings for him may never be the same. Iím terrified of the outcome. My question is: should I tell him this may hit the fan or do I just see how it plays and give him no heads up (maybe the element of surprise would induce him to speak up for once)? I would never make a scene there (as that would not solve anything) but I am not afraid of saying what I have bottled up for so long. Iím just not looking forward to what may come. Thanks for listening.
I am going against the crowd and saying that this is not only DH's problem. Yes, he should stand up for you. But there may be some long standing history that makes it difficult. It would not be my breaking point.

But that is because I certainly would not be waiting through 25 years of abuse for DH to stand up for me. I am my own person, so can handle my own battles. Don't need DH to fight them for me. I don't care whose family it is.

I would have set dear MIL straight a hell of a long time ago. If that would make DH uncomfortable, well that is the price to pay for remaining silent.

Be a strong woman and stand up for yourself. Don't wait around for others like your SIL or DH to do it for you. You have nothing to lose.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:46 PM   #25
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Thank you, lovavacation. Your answer inspired me. I'm past caring what his family thinks. I raised a great kid, I'm mostly happy in my marriage (except for this inlaw drama). I'm not sure why I'm going when I said I wouldn't. I can't say. Maybe I want a confrontation so it can be over one way or the other. You know the woman syndrome where we do for everyone else but ourselves? I have that affliction in spades. I told him I deserved better and I'm not a horrible person that they should still be so bent on saying things about me. Yes, my SIL hears alot of it and reports back to me. But my daughter gets it also. MIL tells her what a "*****" I am, how she is just like me, how we don't love husband/father and don't appreciate him. We're just evil. I don't know what she's basing this on. They live 200 miles away and are not into our daily business. I'm the one that makes sure she gets a bouquet on her birthday and Mother's Day. He never remembers. I'm the one that told him to call his mother when she had emergency surgury a couple of weeks ago. I'm the one that told him to call his brother to check on him after the funeral of a dear lost loved one. If I'm so evil, why do I do these things??
I'm an idiot, that's why. I'm 53 and I'm so tired of the drama. I understand that my SIL wants to avoid the drama, but on the other hand, she (and I love her to death) likes the drama and has to be in the middle of all of it hence, my thinking she threw me under the bus by saying "Ask her". She should have just said nothing. She had to inform my MIL that we were going to spend the day together. Something I hadn't planned on announcing. But understand that to me loving someone means taking them good and bad. I take my vows very seriously for better or worse but I had finally stood up for myself and said I was not going down there anymore and he was caught off guard. I should have stuck to my guns, I guess, but I caved because he said he needed me there. He didn't want to be in the position of explaining why I didn't come with him. I don't know why. He goes off with his brothers and leaves me with his mom. They need to get over it and I need to find my courage to stand up for myself. Being a nice person doesn't always mean being a pushover (though that's my history). I haven't done anything to them and I have done everything for him. I told him I deserved better than what I was getting from him and from them. Thanks everyone for weighing in and I'll let you know how it pans out!!
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:54 PM   #26
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BTW, just to be clear, I would never "confront" and list all the times they said anything. I would just like to say to her/them, "My marriage is none of your business and we've been married for 25 years, it's time to get over it, folks."
I would like to ask just what I've done that's been so horrible that they can't seem to get over it. That's my only question. Find another hobby, people.
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Old 12-28-2012, 04:00 PM   #27
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BTW, just to be clear, I would never "confront" and list all the times they said anything. I would just like to say to her/them, "My marriage is none of your business and we've been married for 25 years, it's time to get over it, folks."
I would like to ask just what I've done that's been so horrible that they can't seem to get over it. That's my only question. Find another hobby, people.
I've asked, and never received a reply. I have received an apology, and it went on again and again.

Now, I don't even think twice. I felt ill EVERY week when we ate, every holiday, etc. My children go weekly, and I drive them. I respect their weekly dinners, however, I respect myself more.
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Old 12-28-2012, 04:09 PM   #28
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Your SIL did not throw you under the bus. She rightly refused to be the middle man.

Your bigger beef than your MIL is your DH. He chooses them over you and will not defend you to them. Your marriage is in deep trouble. I suggest counseling. If your Dh doesn't learn how to stand up for you and himself to his family, I see no hope for you two.

I agree with this. I have a MIL who is a handful. She is in assisted living now in another state and medicated so she is easier to tolerate, but back in the day.....

Thankfully, my DH always defended me and was never afraid to say anything to her. She simply doesn't like any of her kid's spouses and it shows.

Honestly, I would be much more furious with my DH, if he ignored the obvious, than with my MIL. My MIL is who she is. She won't change. She doesn't need to like me or love me. But if the man who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me can't defend me, I'd have a serious problem with him.
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Old 12-28-2012, 04:11 PM   #29
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Well I can tell you the first time my MIL bashed ne to my dd would be the last time. Your SIL shouldn't really repeat what MIL says to her in my opinion because it's just to create drama but if she's bashing you to your children? Nope. I would've told my MIL in no uncertain terms to mind her own damn business and then I'd make sure my dh knew why I was done with her. Good luck.
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Old 12-28-2012, 04:18 PM   #30
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My dear, it's not your SIL who is throwing you under the bus, it's your husband. Any man who isn't willing to stand up to his mother or other family and take your side is not much of a man, IMO. And there is no reason for you to put yourself in the position where you KNOW you're going to be put down and mistreated. If you go with him, it's because you WANT to go, for whatever reason. Don't put this on anyone's shoulders but your own. They can't mistreat you without your permission.
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