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Old 12-28-2012, 02:43 PM   #1
mamajo
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Mil issue/ help/Update page 7

Hello all. I just need a place to get some perspective. Iíve been married to DH for 25 years and my MIL and one BIL just will not back off the front porch regarding how I ďtreatĒ him. They seem to think I tie him up in the basement or somethingóthat heís mistreated, maligned, abusedówhatever. I donít know why or how they come to that conclusion being that weíre happily married. Itís time for them to move on but they just wonít. I get the sweet treatment to my face, then they snipe behind my back. My DH refuses to ďconfrontĒ anyone (especially his family) and it has been a bone of contention since we married. They have said some pretty nasty things to me over the years, yet, out of respect for him, I have kept my mouth shut and have always participated in family gatherings, cooking, doing dishes, being respectful to her. Never rocking the boat. Iím very close to my SIL (married to the BIL) and MIL resents it for some reason. Point of the story is I have given up trying to please them and have restricted going to visit in the last year or so. They live quite a distance and my husband canít go more than 3 mos. without visiting them. Iíve chosen not to go to save my sanity and perhaps lessen the stress for them (though it just gets them wound up that Iím not there as well). Iím danged if I do, danged if I donít. Iím tired of it. We are leaving tonight to go there and I had tried to get out of it but my husband insists that I go. He doesnít want to have to explain why Iím not there. I am pretty upset that I have to go but am going because ďitís the right thingĒ. I just found out from my SIL that MIL is asking what has she done to ďupsetĒ me? She doesnít understand why I donít seem to want to visit (apparently seeing the pattern). My SIL just threw me under the bus by saying, ďYou have to ask her, donít put me in the middle of it.Ē Everyone is saying if it comes up, I should just have it out and let her know how much sheís hurt me over the years. I am not afraid to say something but 1.) I donít feel it will do any good as she seems to not have a clue she has done anything to upset me, and 2.) my bigger issue is my husband. His mother asks, and he wonít say anything in my defense, hanging me out to dry (AGAIN). It will kill me psychologically if thatís what happens. He knows he should stand up to her for me but he never has and this will just be the final feather for me. If he says nothing, my feelings for him may never be the same. Iím terrified of the outcome. My question is: should I tell him this may hit the fan or do I just see how it plays and give him no heads up (maybe the element of surprise would induce him to speak up for once)? I would never make a scene there (as that would not solve anything) but I am not afraid of saying what I have bottled up for so long. Iím just not looking forward to what may come. Thanks for listening.
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Old 12-28-2012, 02:50 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamajo View Post
Hello all. I just need a place to get some perspective. Iíve been married to DH for 25 years and my MIL and one BIL just will not back off the front porch regarding how I ďtreatĒ him. They seem to think I tie him up in the basement or somethingóthat heís mistreated, maligned, abusedówhatever. I donít know why or how they come to that conclusion being that weíre happily married. Itís time for them to move on but they just wonít. I get the sweet treatment to my face, then they snipe behind my back. My DH refuses to ďconfrontĒ anyone (especially his family) and it has been a bone of contention since we married. They have said some pretty nasty things to me over the years, yet, out of respect for him, I have kept my mouth shut and have always participated in family gatherings, cooking, doing dishes, being respectful to her. Never rocking the boat. Iím very close to my SIL (married to the BIL) and MIL resents it for some reason. Point of the story is I have given up trying to please them and have restricted going to visit in the last year or so. They live quite a distance and my husband canít go more than 3 mos. without visiting them. Iíve chosen not to go to save my sanity and perhaps lessen the stress for them (though it just gets them wound up that Iím not there as well). Iím danged if I do, danged if I donít. Iím tired of it. We are leaving tonight to go there and I had tried to get out of it but my husband insists that I go. He doesnít want to have to explain why Iím not there. I am pretty upset that I have to go but am going because ďitís the right thingĒ. I just found out from my SIL that MIL is asking what has she done to ďupsetĒ me? She doesnít understand why I donít seem to want to visit (apparently seeing the pattern). My SIL just threw me under the bus by saying, ďYou have to ask her, donít put me in the middle of it.Ē Everyone is saying if it comes up, I should just have it out and let her know how much sheís hurt me over the years. I am not afraid to say something but 1.) I donít feel it will do any good as she seems to not have a clue she has done anything to upset me, and 2.) my bigger issue is my husband. His mother asks, and he wonít say anything in my defense, hanging me out to dry (AGAIN). It will kill me psychologically if thatís what happens. He knows he should stand up to her for me but he never has and this will just be the final feather for me. If he says nothing, my feelings for him may never be the same. Iím terrified of the outcome. My question is: should I tell him this may hit the fan or do I just see how it plays and give him no heads up (maybe the element of surprise would induce him to speak up for once)? I would never make a scene there (as that would not solve anything) but I am not afraid of saying what I have bottled up for so long. Iím just not looking forward to what may come. Thanks for listening.
I would be very angry with your husband. He should be dealing with his family; you get to deal with yours.

Since he's not helping, I would give him a courtesy warning that if he doesn't say something now, you will. Then do say something.

I don't think your SIL threw you under the bus, though. She's trying to stay out of the toxic mess herself.
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Old 12-28-2012, 02:58 PM   #3
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Your SIL did not throw you under the bus. She rightly refused to be the middle man.

Your bigger beef than your MIL is your DH. He chooses them over you and will not defend you to them. Your marriage is in deep trouble. I suggest counseling. If your Dh doesn't learn how to stand up for you and himself to his family, I see no hope for you two.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:01 PM   #4
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I would be asking my husband are you married to me or your mother? He needs to stand up to the situation. If he chooses not to deal with it, it would benefit you to get some counseling on how to deal with the issue. There is allot to learn even going to counseling by yourself.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:01 PM   #5
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You've got a husband problem, not an in-law problem, so I suggest you address that.

Counselling with your husband would be a good place to start.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:02 PM   #6
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I would not go on the trip. Life is too short to deal with that crap.

But since you seem to be going, tell DH ahead of time that if he does not stand up for you, it may very well affect your feelings for him permanently. Let him know that him not standing up for you has left you at the mercy of his family and you will not tolerate it any longer. Either he sticks up for you as a DH should or you don't go to his family. Wedding vows say your spouse comes first, not his mother and brother. He needs a refresher course.

But I doubt he will change his pattern after all the years, and that is why I would stay home.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:02 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handbag Lady

I would be very angry with your husband. He should be dealing with his family; you get to deal with yours.

Since he's not helping, I would give him a courtesy warning that if he doesn't say something now, you will. Then do say something.

I don't think your SIL threw you under the bus, though. She's trying to stay out of the toxic mess herself.
Yep, this. Even agree about the SIL.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:03 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by EMom View Post
I would not go on the trip. Life is too short to deal with that crap.

But since you seem to be going, tell DH ahead of time that if he does not stand up for you, it may very well affect your feelings for him permanently. Let him know that him not standing up for you has left you at the mercy of his family and you will not tolerate it any longer. Either he sticks up for you as a DH should or you don't go to his family. Wedding vows say your spouse comes first, not his mother and brother. He needs a refresher course.

But I doubt he will change his pattern after all the years, and that is why I would stay home.
really nothing else to add. You said it perfectly.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:09 PM   #9
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We have had counseling. We've talked about it many times. He just can't seem to bring himself to say something. It hurts and I had a major breakdown about it when he told me I had to go this time. I poured my heart out and said I don't know what I did that they feel they have to attack all the time and he just says he's glad we don't live closer. I guess I don't want to acknowledge that he'll never support me. It hurts too much. I just don't want to deal with it anymore and this just makes an allready hard situation harder for me. Maybe I should just go off. What the heck have I got to lose???
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:11 PM   #10
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Honestly, you are being a doormat.

I would, at this point in your life, be honest with the MIL. Secondly, I would also being have words with my DH. He won't back you up? Fine, then you will NOT go to the family gathering so HE doesn't have to keep explaining your absence. Your husband should have stood up for you a long time ago. You need to show him what you posted. Tell him that he can continue to not defend you and you will continue to not go to the in-laws. If he decides that he would like to grow a backbone and stick up for you then you can reinstitute trips to the in-laws with him. You can control this rather than letting them control you.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:16 PM   #11
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My aunt doesn't like her son's wife much. Why? Because her son (my cousin) is always throwing his wife under the bus. Behind her back, of course.

There is a reason why your MIL and BIL think you are abusing or controlling your DH - your DH gives them that impression. The fact that he won't stand up for you is a warning sign.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:16 PM   #12
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If your DH has no interest or ability in standing up for you so YOU can be more comfortable, why on EARTH should you go with him so HE won't be uncomfortable and have to explain your absence.

DON'T GO. Stand up for yourself, because he won't.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:17 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamajo View Post
We have had counseling. We've talked about it many times. He just can't seem to bring himself to say something. It hurts and I had a major breakdown about it when he told me I had to go this time. I poured my heart out and said I don't know what I did that they feel they have to attack all the time and he just says he's glad we don't live closer. I guess I don't want to acknowledge that he'll never support me. It hurts too much. I just don't want to deal with it anymore and this just makes an allready hard situation harder for me. Maybe I should just go off. What the heck have I got to lose???
He told you you HAVE TO GO? Well, I can relate to many of your issues, and my heart goes out to you in a big way. My DH does stand up for me with his sisters, and I still won't go. He asks, but never tells me. UH UH. That would not be happening!!

At 43, I need to respect myself. I should have figured this out long ago, but somehow I thought things would change. I get along with my FIL tremendously and he even vacations with us.

IMHO, you need to rid yourself of this negativity. In NO WAY, shape or form, would I be with DH if he didn't stand up for me.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:20 PM   #14
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Bottom line: You are not #1 in your husband's priority list. He'd rather you be verbally abused to the point where you're having a breakdown than deal with it.

Think about that. Your husband would rather you be verbally abused and maligned -- to the point where you're having a breakdown over it -- than do something about it. He's trying to force you to go somewhere you'll be treated like crap.

Is that the behavior of someone who has promised to love and cherish and honor you?

What kind of husband would do that?

Do you want that kind of husband? Really?

Do you want to live with that reality or not? Do you deserve better or not? What would you tell your daughter or sister or best friend if she were in your shoes?

And btw -- He told YOU that you had to go, but he won't tell his mother to shut it? So he has the guts to tell you what to do and how to do it, but not his family? Oh no, honey. No way. I sure as shooting would NOT be going on this trip. Oh, no. No way. Notgonnahappen. Tell him, "Buh-bye" and take the time he's gone to have a serious reflection about your marriage and future.
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Old 12-28-2012, 03:21 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamajo View Post
We have had counseling. We've talked about it many times. He just can't seem to bring himself to say something. It hurts and I had a major breakdown about it when he told me I had to go this time. I poured my heart out and said I don't know what I did that they feel they have to attack all the time and he just says he's glad we don't live closer. I guess I don't want to acknowledge that he'll never support me. It hurts too much. I just don't want to deal with it anymore and this just makes an allready hard situation harder for me. Maybe I should just go off. What the heck have I got to lose???
Umm, if he can't bring himself to support his wife then his wife shouldn't have to go visit. Stand up for yourself and stay the hell home. He will have to explain your absence.
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