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Old 12-14-2012, 06:07 PM   #151
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stsomewhere View Post
I have been married for 17 yrs. I would rather have mail addressed to me as Mrs. my first name last name. I am my own person. If it is addresses to both of us Mr and Mrs. DH firstname last name. I don't have a problem with it.

.
I feel the same way, so the OP's Christmas card is fine with me. DH agrees. He would not like something coming to HIM alone to be addressed to Mr. Mary Doe, but would be absolutely fine with an envelope to the two of us being addressed Mr. and Mrs. Mary Doe.
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Old 12-14-2012, 06:10 PM   #152
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Originally Posted by punkin View Post
People do this here in the US too. It was a free option 20 some odd years ago on my NY State marriage license.

The problem as I see it is that neither party here is being thoughtful. The OP who sent the card didn't think for a moment how her archaic naming convention would be received and the recipient was even ruder by posting it on facebook instead of privately contacting the OP and informing her of her preferred method of address for future reference.

Overall, I agree with Embers post as well. Those posters calling us "silly" for our preferences are a bit rude too. Lot's of rudeness to go around here. Etiquette rules are supposed to prevent this type of problem, but with the world changing as quickly as it does nowadays, I think the best etiquette is just to try to be thoughtful of other people.
How was the OP not being thoughtful. She obviously has no problem with being called Mrs. John Doe so why would she even begin to think it would offend someone else. She didn't address it that way to piss anyone off. To me that is a formal way of addressing an envelope. It doesn't bother me in the least if we get something addressed like that. I have addressed many envelopes that way and not given it another thought. If by chance it "offended" someone and they told me in a polite civilized manner, I would apologize and not do it again.

I was honored (and quite excited) to take my husband's name and never once thought that it took away my independence or made me less of a person. I really don't care if someone decides to take their husband's last name or not.

It really takes a lot to offend me but I honestly have to say that I think there are a lot of other things in this world in this day and age to worry about than how an envelope is addressed. Sorry if that offends anyone.
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Old 12-14-2012, 06:12 PM   #153
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That's is just plain snotty! She'd deffo be off my list too along with a reply to the post do she knew I'd seen it!
I'm keeping my surname when we get married next year & taking his too, he is also taking mine..none of us would be offended if it came with just one name or both!
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Old 12-14-2012, 06:39 PM   #154
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I'm going to step off topic for just a moment, because something is really bothering me in this thread. Those of us to dislike the practice of being addressed as "Mrs. John Smith" have been casually called "silly" or had a friendly eye roll smily posted in our general direction by a few posters.

While, as I said, I would never humiliate someone on Facebook over a kind gesture, I do not think taking a stand on the language used or caring about it is silly. Words matter. Just ask the people who want to end the use of the word "retard."

Patriarchal naming traditions are sexist. Why should women to be the ones in a marriage to give up their identity and name? Why should women bear the burden of changing their name on all of their legal documents and records? Why should women be compelled to publicly discolose their marital status by means of their title? Why is the family history of the woman, "carrying on the line" less important?

Perhaps the most important evidence that this tradition is not as innocent as it seems to be is to ask men to take a their wife's last name. This option is often viewed with derision and outright contempt. Why? If it truly doesn't matter anymore, if there is no power imbalance, why does it matter whose last name a family uses? Why would men be upset to be called "Mr. Jane HerName?"

My opinion is that if a man is unwilling to take his wife's last name, if he feels it makes him "less if a man" (less of a person), if he feels it would demean him or belittle him, then expecting a woman to take his name means all those same issues apply. It's subtle in a way, not often thought about or dismissed as "silly" as was done here. But it points towards a definite bias, a subtle misogyny the puts women in a postion of being the ones who are "less of a person."

Anyway, I don't expect to change anyone's mind. I just wanted to give a voice to the reason of why I care. This is why it bothers me and why I feel it is a topic worthy of consideration and not just one to be dismissed.
My BIL *did* take my sister's (and mine) last name. I still don't care whether I'm called Mrs. XXXXX.

I am proud to be my husband's wife and it isn't something I feel needs to be kept "private". It's kinda hard to hide my wedding ring.
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Old 12-14-2012, 07:00 PM   #155
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Originally Posted by SaraJayne View Post
My BIL *did* take my sister's (and mine) last name. I still don't care whether I'm called Mrs. XXXXX.

I am proud to be my husband's wife and it isn't something I feel needs to be kept "private". It's kinda hard to hide my wedding ring.
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Old 12-15-2012, 09:19 AM   #156
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Ditto that those things have been going on here for decades.

Joaquin Phoenix's parents made up the name Phoenix when they got married, it was neither of their names. I know someone married like 25 or more years who they made a mashup of their names (not a hers his or hyphenate, like Jones and Smith became Smones), etc. Those people tend to be into the 'everyone in the family should have one name' thing. Most everyone I know just leaves their own names alone and hyphenates or flips for the kids'.
Joaquin Phoenix's parents were in a cult and changed their name when they left the cult they were in. Phoenix: rising from the ashes, starting over. They changed the last name of all the children as well, and the children all used to call each other different first names.

Once again, your facts are hardly relevant to this discussion unless you're sending a christmas card to his parents.
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Old 12-15-2012, 10:25 AM   #157
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Originally Posted by FlyingDumbo View Post
I sent a Christmas card to a family friend and her spouse, and today on facebook there is a picture of the envelope I addressed to them. I had addressed it to " Mr & Mrs (husbands name, last name). The status says something along the lines of it is 2012 and I have my own name and identity. Apparently I should have included both first names? I honestly was not trying to offend anyone. Just trying to fit it all in on the address line. But I can tell you who is OFF the card list from now on.

Anyone else get offended by having your mail addressed this way? I'll be honest, I don't put that much time into getting offended.
I'd copy her post with the photo onto your facebook page and write that this was found offensive by the recipient. Then, everyone that knows her & you will know what kind of petty and snarky person she is. She went out of her way to take a picture, go to facebook, upload the picture and write what she wrote. She is not friend. These are not the acts of a friend. She deliberately tried to embarrass and humiliate you. She knew you would see it. You are on her FB friend's list. I'd pretty much be done with her cards and otherwise.
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Old 12-15-2012, 11:33 AM   #158
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Originally Posted by FlyingDumbo View Post
I sent a Christmas card to a family friend and her spouse, and today on facebook there is a picture of the envelope I addressed to them. I had addressed it to " Mr & Mrs (husbands name, last name). The status says something along the lines of it is 2012 and I have my own name and identity. Apparently I should have included both first names? I honestly was not trying to offend anyone. Just trying to fit it all in on the address line. But I can tell you who is OFF the card list from now on.

Anyone else get offended by having your mail addressed this way? I'll be honest, I don't put that much time into getting offended.
....I'm sure she must have received DOZENS of other correspondence from others (like bills and junk mail) addressed in the same way. She must have spent lots of wasted time posting these too....



....really, that person has too much time on her hands to fret about something as silly as that.....OP, at least you'll save $.45 next year!
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Old 12-15-2012, 01:29 PM   #159
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I

As a side note: did anyone see Charles Barkley on SNL? He did a hilarious skit that my DS15 and I laugh about almost daily now. According to the skit, he would refer to this thread as "white-people problems". It was really funny. Making fun of some of the silly stuff we get upset about.
LOL- I was thinking the same thing as I read the thread. As others have mentioned, I am just happy to get the card and would never baulk about how it was addressed to be mailed.
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Old 12-15-2012, 02:09 PM   #160
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Anyone else get offended by having your mail addressed this way?
Yes, I get offended by it (we have different last names). I will typically mention it to my husband (usually his family doing it) but I would never post on facebook about it or even mention it to the offending party (and yes, I do consider it an etiquette faux pas).
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Old 12-15-2012, 02:46 PM   #161
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My response has gained 42 "likes" while her initial comment only had 3. Still no response from her though.
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Old 12-15-2012, 02:49 PM   #162
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I'm curious, OP.. What did you write?
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Old 12-15-2012, 06:21 PM   #163
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Originally Posted by IheartMickey View Post
I'm curious, OP.. What did you write?
She posted this earlier in the thread, around page 8 I think:

Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyingDumbo View Post
I did respond to her facebook post, this was my response:

I see you got my card! Glad to see you picked up on the fact that I was making a concerted effort to insult you. Mission accomplished! And now I know that you got the message I obviously intended, I assure you will not have to worry about how your card is addressed next year.


My comment has has 16 likes so far. She has not responded or commented.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:46 AM   #164
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Hi all! Sorry I fell asleep last night while dis-boarding! This thread sure did take on a lot of pages while I slept. Just to be clear, this woman DID take her husbands last name when they got married, she was offended by the fact that I did not use her first name on the envelope. The funny thing is, I did not take my husband's last name, I kept mine, and I get mail addressed to Mrs Myhusbandslastname all the time. It really never occurred to me to be offended by that. I don't sweat the small stuff.

I did respond to her facebook post, this was my response:

I see you got my card! Glad to see you picked up on the fact that I was making a concerted effort to insult you. Mission accomplished! And now I know that you got the message I obviously intended, I assure you will not have to worry about how your card is addressed next year.


My comment has has 16 likes so far. She has not responded or commented.
You go girl!
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:47 AM   #165
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When Mary the Mother of Jesus got Christmas cards, I wonder if she was offended when they were address to "Mrs. Joseph of Nazareth". Somebody should check her Facepapayrus timeline to see.
Another good one.

I'm still amazed that people have the time or energy to concern themselves with something like this.
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Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child.
Stop telling your God how big the storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is.
It's time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it!
Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
There's no pill that cures stupid.
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart.
You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
~~In loving memory of Teddy~~1994-2007~~

Last edited by Disney Doll; 12-17-2012 at 10:55 AM.
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