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Old 03-17-2009, 12:20 PM   #1
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Remarriage after a spouse dies?

Dh and I have a friend and his wife passed away last fall. Around Nov. he had the final memorial service and scattered her ashes. They have 3 older children and 2 grandkids.

Yest. we get a note that he is getting married in June and got engaged New Years Eve. We wish him well, but it got dh and I talking. We were wondering if he has really had enough time to grieve over his spouse. It was like 5 weeks from the final goodbye to the next engagement etc.

How long do you think is long enough to wait before you get remarried?
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:22 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmarypoppins View Post
Dh and I have a friend and his wife passed away last fall. Around Nov. he had the final memorial service and scattered her ashes. They have 3 older children and 2 grandkids.

Yest. we get a note that he is getting married in June and got engaged New Years Eve. We wish him well, but it got dh and I talking. We were wondering if he has really had enough time to grieve over his spouse. It was like 5 weeks from the final goodbye to the next engagement etc.

How long do you think is long enough to wait before you get remarried?
It all depends.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:22 PM   #3
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I don't think I would ever get remarried.

I have heard that sometimes after a man is married for a long time, he can't imagine himself ever not being married, and that wanting to get remarried soon after his wife's death is a sign that the marriage was a good one.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:25 PM   #4
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I don't think I would ever get remarried.

I don't know what the "right" answer is, but that seems waaaaay too fast to me.

If I were to lose my husband , I wouldn't get married again. Only one marriage for me.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:35 PM   #5
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I agree that it depends a lot on personal situations. I suppose a year seems like a good arbitrary time, but I could see some not waiting that long. If something were to happed to my wife I doubt I would remarry, but you never know. If something happened to me I would hope she remarried.

I the area I live in I see more people my age opting to just live together for a variety of reasons.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:36 PM   #6
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It sounds like he was older, and did she die after a lengthy illness?

If so, sometimes knowing that the end result is going to be death, a lot of people deal with it by moving on, (emotionally) during the process.

Every one grieves in their own way and he may have dealt with it and moved on.

It could also be that he met someone on sort of a "rebound" situation after his loss, and that person filled the void left by his wifes death.

Thats a hard thing to judge.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:36 PM   #7
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I think there's a big difference between how men and women react to losing a long-time spouse. Men seem to seek out another partnership much more quickly, and I suppose it speaks to how much they liked being married. Women tend to stay single longer and enjoy not having anyone to take care of. At least that's how it has worked out in my family.

I assume I'll outlive my husband by a fair bit (he's 9 years older than me and women in my family tend to live to 90+), and I really can't imagine remarrying. I liked being single and don't like the whole dating/meeting new people thing, so I think I'd be more likely to just focus on friends and family rather than romance if I lost DH.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:38 PM   #8
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MIL passed away in January...FIL was dating and bringing on old high school sweetheart to a wedding that spring after spending seemily every moment with her since about a month after MIL was gone. My DH and SIL let him know that they were very uncomfortable with her there. So they backed off. It's been 3 years and FIL is still single, but spends most of his free time with the hs friend who also lost her spouse a couple of years before FIL lost MIL. The family completely accepts her and she comes to all the family events. She wasn't at the first Christmas after MIL passed, but she's been at everything since.

We know that FIL loved MIL VERY much. They were a great, amazing team. But he's not getting any younger (65 this April) and more than anything he was reaching out to an old friend outside of the family, and they just reconnected. At the time it was hard to swallow, especially since the new woman is so vastly different than MIL and we were heavily greiving, but it's more or less fine now.

So I said all this, because I really think the situation depends on so much. I assume he's a certain age range with grandkids, so maybe he just reconnected like my FIL.

Though, I can totally understand your feelings about the situation...I've felt them too. We worried about it just being rebound or whatever--but in my situation there was never any marriage talk--though they did talk about selling each of there houses to buy one together, which totally freaked everyone out as it had only been a couple of months at that time.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:43 PM   #9
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My ex-FIL did the exact same thing. His wife past away a month before ex-h and I were married, he started dating the Hospice worker a few months later and married her not long after that.

I cannot imagine doing something like that, but grief does funny things to people.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:45 PM   #10
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My Dad started dating a woman about 2 months after my Mom passed away, and once they began dating, they were pretty much together 24-7, from that point on, and did eventually get married. I was so happy when he started seeing her, because for the prior 2 months he was a basket-case, it was really sad. Once they starting dating, he was so happy, and I was happy for them.

I don't think there is any particular "waiting" period after someone loses a spouse/SO to begin seeing someone else, because everyone is different.
I do think men have a tendency to start dating sooner than women, after losing a spouse.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:48 PM   #11
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He sounds older (has grandkids). I believe the situation is very different past a certain age for men.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:48 PM   #12
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It does seem really fast but I also don't know them or the circumstances around his wife's death or even their age.

If DH passed away, I can't see myself getting married again for a least a couple of years. I am younger so I don't see myself living the rest of my life alone if something happened to him and vice versa if something were to happen to me.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:50 PM   #13
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My paternal grandma remarried after my grandpa was killed in a farming accident.

I think it had been about a year, since his death (Before I was born)

Anyway.. the man she married (the only one I knew as a grandpa), had only very recently been widowed. Just a few months. He told her, he wasn't getting any younger, and they needed to hurry up and get married.

That marriage lasted almost 30 years. Till they passed away. Very happy marriage. My uncle never took to him very well, but my grandpa's kids were very accepting of my grandma. One very huge happy family.

So, I think, perhaps it's a gender thing, but an age thing as well.
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Old 03-17-2009, 01:16 PM   #14
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I think men do tend to look for another relationship very quickly. My grandmother had a stroke and was very ill for quite a long time before she died. My grandfather did not remarry but did begin dating about 6 weeks after she died and dated the same woman until he passed away.

My dad passed away about 5 years ago and my mother has no desire to date and says she'll never remarry because she doesn't want to take care of anyone any more. She's 75. She was extremely appalled when her best friend passed away and a couple of month's later, that friend's husband asked my mom out on a date.

My FIL, on the other hand, has shown no interest in dating since MIL passed away. DH says it's because he knows MIL would haunt him over that. She was a very strong willed lady.
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Old 03-17-2009, 01:18 PM   #15
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There is no right amount of time. Its all based on the individual and their circumstances. That does seem fast, but who knows all that happened till then.
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