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Old 12-14-2012, 11:43 AM   #1
DisneyCrazyMomma
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Sometimes life hits you hard...

I don't really know where to post this, but I need to post it somewhere so I can breathe a little easier. We just found out yesterday that my FIL has a tumor in his lung... no biopsy yet or anything to confirm what it is, but it's fairly large. Tests upcoming...

The family of course isn't talking about it with anyone, which I understand. Hubby is overwhelmed, which I also understand, and his mom and sister are already leaning on him, expecting him to be their rock. There is a huge back story here, but in light of the circumstances, it doesn't really matter how they've treated him in the past... Anyway, I am doing my best to be supportive and understand and there for DH.... it's a brand new situation and we don't really know what we are dealing with yet anyway. Okay, that being said... we have had a trip planned to my parents for Christmas.. we are in the midwest, they are on the east coast. We go every other year and my son is over the moon excited to see them, and my brother and his family. Hubby isn't sure what to do now... we won't know any more about his dad until next week, and the earliest, and we are supposed to leave a week from tomorrrow. I don't know if my family will understand or not, I mean I think they will, but.... my son will be crushed.. and if we don't go, we have to tell him at least some version of why we aren't going, which will crush him also.

Hubby suggested DS and I go without him - I will NOT hear of that. I would be miserable and worried sick about him the whole time (I realize this isn't about ME, just trying to state my feelings). I don't even really know the point of this post, just in shock and scared and needed to get this out and can't really talk to anyone yet. Ugh.
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Old 12-14-2012, 11:56 AM   #2
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When my oldest DD (now 28) was about 7 my dad had 6 cardiac bypasses. On the day of the surgery i had to leave the hospital before he was "out of the woods" so that I could take her to her dance class - my goal was to keep things as normal for her as possible and not scare her.

IF you already have your tickets (assuming you are flying) I would keep them - if he has a biopsy sometime next week at the soonest the won't know the results for a few days and then he'll have to meet with a surgeon assuming it is operable. I was treated for breast cancer 2 1/2 years ago and it took 4 weeks from the biopsy until i had surgery - longest time in my life, but even though if he gets a bad report he and you all will want it fixed immediately the medical profession just doesn't move as fast as you think.

IMHO I would keep the Christmas trip - that way you don't have to scare your son and you will still be back before anything happens. I would think your husband could go with you - again, nothing will happen that quickly that he couldn't be with you. If you explain to your in-laws why you are going - to keep things normal for your son, I would hope they would understand.

Wishing you the best!
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Old 12-14-2012, 12:26 PM   #3
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I agree that this is a tough situation. But I also agree that nothing will happen for the next 2 weeks. You should all go to your parents. It will actually give your husband a breather, before everything really starts happening. I understand the "his mother and sister are leaning on him". But in order to be there for them, he needs to also take care of himself. I hope you can talk him into going.
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Old 12-14-2012, 12:28 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smile&Nod View Post
When my oldest DD (now 28) was about 7 my dad had 6 cardiac bypasses. On the day of the surgery i had to leave the hospital before he was "out of the woods" so that I could take her to her dance class - my goal was to keep things as normal for her as possible and not scare her.

IF you already have your tickets (assuming you are flying) I would keep them - if he has a biopsy sometime next week at the soonest the won't know the results for a few days and then he'll have to meet with a surgeon assuming it is operable. I was treated for breast cancer 2 1/2 years ago and it took 4 weeks from the biopsy until i had surgery - longest time in my life, but even though if he gets a bad report he and you all will want it fixed immediately the medical profession just doesn't move as fast as you think.

IMHO I would keep the Christmas trip - that way you don't have to scare your son and you will still be back before anything happens. I would think your husband could go with you - again, nothing will happen that quickly that he couldn't be with you. If you explain to your in-laws why you are going - to keep things normal for your son, I would hope they would understand.

Wishing you the best!
Quote:
Originally Posted by minniecarousel View Post
I agree that this is a tough situation. But I also agree that nothing will happen for the next 2 weeks. You should all go to your parents. It will actually give your husband a breather, before everything really starts happening. I understand the "his mother and sister are leaning on him". But in order to be there for them, he needs to also take care of himself. I hope you can talk him into going.
Thank you... I think he wants to go, and his dad is telling him he needs to go. It's just the guilt thing.. what if this is his last christmas and we aren't here, etc. And I'm still definitely holding out hope that it comes back as benign... because they haven't ruled that out yet.
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Old 12-14-2012, 12:39 PM   #5
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First off, let me say that I am so sorry to hear of your FIL's situation. I will keep him in my prayers. News like this coming near the holidays always seems a bit harder.

If you feel that you are not able to go to your family's over the holidays, as planned, then I would do as your husband suggested and just you and your son go. Your son is not going to truly understand why you are not going and this may upset him needlessly.

I think that this news is still fresh and everything has been thrown up in the air on you. Give it another couple of days and allow yourself and your family time to adjust to what is happening. Allow your brain to process everything and think it through. I would not make a decision until than.
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Old 12-14-2012, 01:00 PM   #6
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OP hugs to you

I know this is a tough situation, you will feel bad no matter what you decide to do. I just want to chime in with a little info on a similar situation with my grandpa, hopefully it will make you feel a little better and not so alone.

In 2010 we moved from FL to VA, this was the first major move we had ever done. We had always lived within 5-10 miles of all our family, which made the move very hard on all of us. My gpaw has had many health scares and issues over the years but has always pulled thru and recovered well. In 2011 he also had a tumor found in one of his lungs. I was worried and scared that I might would never seen him again, and tremendously guilty that we were gone and living over 1000 miles away. The process took a while, they did the usual biopsy, waited a few weeks, it came back as malignant and he was sent to a cancer specialist to discuss his options. They ended up removing the tumor and almost all of his left lung. This whole process took what seemed like the better part of 6-8 months. He is now cancer free and doing better. He does get winded and cough a lot but he is otherwise doing as well as anyone could expect an 83 yr old to be doing. He still gets out and does things. Including his daily trip to Walmart lol. Thankfully I have been able to make 2 more trips back home and see him.

I think the guilt is natural but the one thing I had to understand is that even though there are tough times and things that my family will go through without me being there now,it's that these things happen in life. Me being there or not does not change that. It doesn't make it any easier but it is inevitable. I would not change much about your Christmas plans, given the fact that these things take time. I would however not keep what is going on from your son. When I was a kid my parents were very private about what was always going in our/their lives and it caused me much stress. I worried a lot more than any kid should about things that I shouldn't have been worried about. The conclusions one can come up with on their own (especially a child) are often worse than the truth. You know your son best, give him the information the best way you think he can handle. Hope things get better and the FIL's doing better. Enjoy your Christmas
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Old 12-14-2012, 02:53 PM   #7
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Thank you all for your kind words/prayers. I feel bad because I feel like I am making it about ME by worrying about whether we go see my family for Christmas or not.. but I think you all are right, that now is probably the time to go because things could potentially get worse later. We were planning on doing Christmas with them tonight but they decided to postpone when they had the xray done. We don't normally do a whole big ordeal with them but I think this year when we get back and they are ready, I am going to make a huge meal and try to have a magical Christmas. I don't know what to say to my husband, haven't seen FIL yet and everytime I think of him not being with us...
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