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Old 12-06-2012, 04:31 PM   #31
Andtototoo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mmackeymouse View Post
I was going to post this in the solo thread, but I thought it was something I could use all people's opinions on.

Growing up, and even still, my dream was to find a nice man and get married and raise a family and live happily ever after.

However, I am very opinionated and stubborn and pig headed, and some time ago, I came to the realization that.....could I put up with someone's quirks and all my pet peeved, breathing loud, chewing with their mouth open, falling asleep on the couch but not relinquishing control of the remote- for 40 years? It seemed that my life alone would be much easier than being stressed and annoyed most of the time for the rest of my life.

But, I can't deny that....I still have dreams where I have a little baby inside my belly, and I wake up wanting to bear a child so bad it hurts. And, I listened to "I Dreamed a Dream" about 25 times this morning, while I cried a bit.

I will also add this: I am attracted to men, I am. I don't have a "type." I like them tall, short, brunette, blonde, any eye color, muscular, gangly. I don't necessarily have a personality type either, in the sense that sometimes I like charismatic and outgoing and sometimes I like quiet spoken and shy. However, their personality definitely affects how attracted I am to them. Bearing in mind that I don't have one specific type, when I watch the TV, movies, sports, news, whatever, I always seem to find someone I am attracted to. Whether they are athletic, educated, political, musical, nerdy, kind-hearted, I always find someone I am super intrigued by, wizard and muggle alike.

But, in real life, I cannot find anyone I am attracted to. Not a single one. Mostly, it is by virtue of their personality. They act like idiots or jerks or whatever. Sometimes, it is that I am simply not attracted to them. Which is not to say that they are ugly; it could be someone that everyone in the room finds handsome and attractive, and I just.....don't.

Why can't I find someone that attracts and intrigues me as much as the people I will never meet, sometimes even fictional people....?

And, is this a sign, that maybe marriage just isn't for me? Has anyone else gone through this?
Quote:

I just find myself attracted to these men, in looks and/or personality. I'm not talking studmuffin guys either. Very normal guys. An example would be Jim Parsons from he Big Bang Theory. Is he a dream boat? No. Is he gay? Yes. But, I cannot help but find him adorable, his eyes stunning, and his mannerisms charming. Another person, I may find them well-spoken and be attracted to their demeanor. I may see someone on ESPN and their smile lights up the room. I just don't find any of the same qualities with the men I meet or even just see.
Well, let's eliminate the impossible, so we can work on what's really going on:
It's just not statistically possible that every single man you meet is a jerk or idiot. It's also impossible that, assuming that you are heterosexual with functioning hormones, that you're not attracted to any real live man. It's just not possible that in your entire adult life you've never met a man who is well-spoken or has an attractive demeanor or has a smile that lights up the room. It's just not possible. (Unless, of course, you've been marooned on a desert island with Charles Manson and no one else. Then I'll give you a free pass.)

Therefore, you must be viewing reality through a distorted lens and/or psyching yourself out of finding real men attractive.

Why are you viewing reality that way? What do you get out of it? What do you get out of not finding men attractive? Or out of finding only fictional or unavailable men attractive?

I had a roommate in college who only ever fell for gay guys. Ever. It was amazing how out of a campus with thousands of straight guys, she'd always fall for the gay guys. That's not bad luck. It's not because "all the cute guys are always gay" as she liked to put it. It's not because she "had no gaydar" as she also put it. Nope. It's not statistically possible for a woman surrounded by thousands of straight and available guys to only find gay guys attractive. She deliberately put herself in that position because, IMO, it was psychologically safe for her to get rejected because she was a female, rather than risking her self esteem by being interested in heterosexual males who might not like her because they simply didn't find her attractive. It was safe and therefore preferable, in other words, for her to be alone because she wasn't risking her self esteem. Unconsciously, she decided that it was better to be alone than risk her self esteem. (Plus, I think she liked the draaaaaaaaaaaaaaama.)

I note that you say you find fictional men attractive. Part of the problem might what's called the Mr. Darcy Syndrome (Try Google for more information or start here: http://janitesonthejames.blogspot.co...iversally.html. ) While you say that you're not fantasizing about Edward Cullen sweeping you off your feet, I still wonder if you're measuring men against characters created to serve a purpose for us -- they exist for no other reason than to entertain us. Real people do not exist for that reason.

There's a line I just read, "Comparisons rob life of joy." Are you're robbing yourself of the opportunities for fulfilling relationships by setting up no-win comparisons?

And I'd also add that if you expect pregnancy and parenting to be some perfect experience, you need to recalibrate those expectations too. You could have a horrible pregnancy. Your child could have a totally different personality from you and you might find your child difficult to understand or might not have much in common with your child. Because your child is not going to be a reflection of you or a product of a wish list. Because life is not perfect. Never is, never will be. That's why we read/watch fiction -- because it's an escape from imperfect, frustrating, difficult, reality.

If you're looking for perfection, then you will end up alone. Only you can decide if being alone is better than being with a real live man who -- like you -- is imperfect. I'm not saying to lower your standards to just take the next guy who comes along, but I'm suggesting that you seem to have created standards that do not have a reasonable expectation of being met by a real live man or you're choosing to be blind to men who could make you happy.
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Old 12-06-2012, 04:35 PM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andtototoo View Post
Well, let's eliminate the impossible, so we can work on what's really going on:
It's just not statistically possible that every single man you meet is a jerk or idiot. It's also impossible that, assuming that you are heterosexual with functioning hormones, that you're not attracted to any real live man. It's just not possible that in your entire adult life you've never met a man who is well-spoken or has an attractive demeanor or has a smile that lights up the room. It's just not possible. (Unless, of course, you've been marooned on a desert island with Charles Manson and no one else. Then I'll give you a free pass.)

Therefore, you must be viewing reality through a distorted lens and/or psyching yourself out of finding real men attractive.

Why are you viewing reality that way? What do you get out of it? What do you get out of not finding men attractive? Or out of finding only fictional or unavailable men attractive?

I had a roommate in college who only ever fell for gay guys. Ever. It was amazing how out of a campus with thousands of straight guys, she'd always fall for the gay guys. That's not bad luck. It's not because "all the cute guys are always gay" as she liked to put it. It's not because she "had no gaydar" as she also put it. Nope. It's not statistically possible for a woman surrounded by thousands of straight and available guys to only find gay guys attractive. She deliberately put herself in that position because, IMO, it was psychologically safe for her to get rejected because she was a female, rather than risking her self esteem by being interested in heterosexual males who might not like her because they simply didn't find her attractive. It was safe and therefore preferable, in other words, for her to be alone because she wasn't risking her self esteem. Unconsciously, she decided that it was better to be alone than risk her self esteem. (Plus, I think she liked the draaaaaaaaaaaaaaama.)

I note that you say you find fictional men attractive. Part of the problem might what's called the Mr. Darcy Syndrome (Try Google for more information or start here: http://janitesonthejames.blogspot.co...iversally.html. ) While you say that you're not fantasizing about Edward Cullen sweeping you off your feet, I still wonder if you're measuring men against characters created to serve a purpose for us -- they exist for no other reason than to entertain us. Real people do not exist for that reason.

There's a line I just read, "Comparisons rob life of joy." Are you're robbing yourself of the opportunities for fulfilling relationships by setting up no-win comparisons?

And I'd also add that if you expect pregnancy and parenting to be some perfect experience, you need to recalibrate those expectations too. Because life is not perfect. Never is, never will be. That's why we read/watch fiction -- because it's an escape from imperfect, frustrating, difficult, reality.

If you're looking for perfection, then you will end up alone. Only you can decide if being alone is better than being with a real live man who -- like you -- is imperfect. I'm not saying to lower your standards to just take the next guy who comes along, but I'm suggesting that you seem to have created standards that do not have a reasonable expectation of being met by a real live man.
Couldn't say it better.

Marriage isn't always all butterflies and rainbows. Neither is parenting or anything else for that matter. Don't sit and watch the days go by. Do something fulfilling (maybe volunteering?) and not think about how lonely or depressing it feels to not have a guy in your life. Soon enough, when you least expect it, something could happen.

Hang in there, OP.
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Old 12-06-2012, 05:15 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nchulka
My dad's cousin never married. She never had any children. She was college educated, and worked as an elementary school teacher. She traveled, had friends, owned her own home. Fast forward several years, she is now in her late 60's/early 70's, retired, and alone. She is getting frail and has no family to help her out. Her parents have long since died. She still has friends but they are all busy with grandkids and their own families. She enjoyed those years of being strong, opinionated, independent, never having to put up with anyone getting on her nerves, but it came with a price. While you may not feel like putting up with someones annoying habits now, remember that someday you will need someone. As I take the time to care for my children now, and it can get old and be burdensome sometimes, I remember they will be the ones kindly caring for me someday. If you're not willing to put up with others now, they won't care to put up with you later.
Are you kidding me with this post? So people like the OP and myself should settle with anyone just so we aren't alone during our senior years? Listen, just in case your not aware, some ppl dont CHOOSE to be spouseless. We just haven't found a partner. Not by choice. It just hasn't happened or worked out. I was in a miserable marriage before, and believe me when i tell you that im much better off alone than with a man like that. I have my son, thats good enough for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by disykat
Okay, that last post made me angry.

My sister is single, never met the right person. She didn't CHOOSE to be alone. Many people live alone and have happy fulfilled lives. Many people have children and aren't taken care of by them in their old age.

Just because you are single, it doesn't mean you are selfish! GRRRR!
Yes totally agree! Just because we're single it doesnt mean we're miserable or unhappy. Honestly!

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Old 12-06-2012, 05:21 PM   #34
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If my partner dies of cancer at 50, then ill still be alone when I get older.
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Old 12-06-2012, 05:21 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by pigletgirl View Post
Couldn't say it better.

Marriage isn't always all butterflies and rainbows. Neither is parenting or anything else for that matter. Don't sit and watch the days go by. Do something fulfilling (maybe volunteering?) and not think about how lonely or depressing it feels to not have a guy in your life. Soon enough, when you least expect it, something could happen.

Hang in there, OP.
So true!

Don't worry someday you will meet someone, probably when you least expect it. In the meantime, enjoy your single life. Try some new activities. Volunteering is a wonderful thing to do and very satisfying, besides you may make some new friends, even if you don't meet the man of your dreams.

When I met my husband (of 19 yrs now) I wasn't particularly attracted to him. The first time he asked me out I politely declined. Long story short, a mutual friend really pushed me to just go out with him in a group setting and surprisingly, we totally hit it off. He's not the type of man I ever pictured myself with but I'm so happy that I gave him a chance. Maybe the fact that I had no expectations made me relax and really enjoy this "date". When after many years of marriage I find myself not liking some things about dh, I just remind myself that sometimes, I'm no bargain either.

I love how a pp said "Be careful what you wish for."
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Old 12-06-2012, 05:22 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by CandyMandy View Post
Agree -but as some others have implied, the happy ones have deep relationships with others and even those become more perishable in older age.



The ones I know of in that category fit two profiles:

- Living with limited resources and relatively stressed because of it.

- Having means and blissfully unconcerned with their absent children.

Or put another way, as Cyndi Lauper put it on her first album, money really does change everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulvSS3nAK1I

And BTW, given our nose-diving birth rates, get ready for a future 20-25 years from now filled with a lot of unhappy, stressed elderly people who have no family to fall back on because they never started one.

And that isn't going to be pretty.
I've been a nurse for almost 30 years. I've seen alot of elderly people with children whose children dont give them the time of day.

Having children is not a guarantee that you will be taken care of in your old age.
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Old 12-06-2012, 05:26 PM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andtototoo View Post
Well, let's eliminate the impossible, so we can work on what's really going on:
It's just not statistically possible that every single man you meet is a jerk or idiot. It's also impossible that, assuming that you are heterosexual with functioning hormones, that you're not attracted to any real live man. It's just not possible that in your entire adult life you've never met a man who is well-spoken or has an attractive demeanor or has a smile that lights up the room. It's just not possible. (Unless, of course, you've been marooned on a desert island with Charles Manson and no one else. Then I'll give you a free pass.)

Therefore, you must be viewing reality through a distorted lens and/or psyching yourself out of finding real men attractive.

Why are you viewing reality that way? What do you get out of it? What do you get out of not finding men attractive? Or out of finding only fictional or unavailable men attractive?

I had a roommate in college who only ever fell for gay guys. Ever. It was amazing how out of a campus with thousands of straight guys, she'd always fall for the gay guys. That's not bad luck. It's not because "all the cute guys are always gay" as she liked to put it. It's not because she "had no gaydar" as she also put it. Nope. It's not statistically possible for a woman surrounded by thousands of straight and available guys to only find gay guys attractive. She deliberately put herself in that position because, IMO, it was psychologically safe for her to get rejected because she was a female, rather than risking her self esteem by being interested in heterosexual males who might not like her because they simply didn't find her attractive. It was safe and therefore preferable, in other words, for her to be alone because she wasn't risking her self esteem. Unconsciously, she decided that it was better to be alone than risk her self esteem. (Plus, I think she liked the draaaaaaaaaaaaaaama.)

I note that you say you find fictional men attractive. Part of the problem might what's called the Mr. Darcy Syndrome (Try Google for more information or start here: http://janitesonthejames.blogspot.co...iversally.html. ) While you say that you're not fantasizing about Edward Cullen sweeping you off your feet, I still wonder if you're measuring men against characters created to serve a purpose for us -- they exist for no other reason than to entertain us. Real people do not exist for that reason.

There's a line I just read, "Comparisons rob life of joy." Are you're robbing yourself of the opportunities for fulfilling relationships by setting up no-win comparisons?

And I'd also add that if you expect pregnancy and parenting to be some perfect experience, you need to recalibrate those expectations too. You could have a horrible pregnancy. Your child could have a totally different personality from you and you might find your child difficult to understand or might not have much in common with your child. Because your child is not going to be a reflection of you or a product of a wish list. Because life is not perfect. Never is, never will be. That's why we read/watch fiction -- because it's an escape from imperfect, frustrating, difficult, reality.

If you're looking for perfection, then you will end up alone. Only you can decide if being alone is better than being with a real live man who -- like you -- is imperfect. I'm not saying to lower your standards to just take the next guy who comes along, but I'm suggesting that you seem to have created standards that do not have a reasonable expectation of being met by a real live man or you're choosing to be blind to men who could make you happy.
Good post. Lots of good food for thought here.
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Old 12-06-2012, 05:53 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by bethy View Post
I am not single but if I were, I confess I wouldn't give a 38 year old man who lives with his parents a chance. No way! Not what I would want for my life.

Should I be offended at this statement? Was it intended to hurt?
No I didn't mean it to hurt and I'm sorry for that. I was just being truthful about what my personal reaction would be. I was probably too blunt in my delivery and that is my fault for typing on the fly and giving my gut reaction without thinking first.

Nevertheless we are each individuals and are attracted to different things. I'm just saying that for me, a 38 year old man living with his parents for more than a couple of months would be a huge turn off and i wouldn't be able to see past it myself. It honestly wouldn't really matter to me why he was living with them. The kind of man I'm attracted to is one who values autonomy at a level so high that living under his parents' roof for a long period would be intolerable to him. I am that way myself and haven't lived at home since I was 18 and I ADORE my parents. But staying under their roof for more than a few nights is too much for me - i am too independent in nature.

And then to top it off, in your case, you implied that you'd prefer he not live in your home - indicating that the arrangment has not been made for mutually beneficial reasons. So that to me personally would be even more of a reason to pass.

Ironically, if it were the other way around and his parents were living under HIS roof because they had no place else to go then I would be more open to that situation.

Anyway if i were to miss out on a gem of a man, because I couldn't get past an obstacle like that then it would be my loss and it would be a risk i would be OK with taking. I would own that loss and move on.
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Old 12-06-2012, 07:46 PM   #39
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Thank you for your interesting analysis. I never really thought of it psychologically you know? Like some subconscious attempt to protect myself....I guess that's why it is called SUBconscious. Otherwise, it would be, well, conscious, lol.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andtototoo View Post
Well, let's eliminate the impossible, so we can work on what's really going on:
It's just not statistically possible that every single man you meet is a jerk or idiot. It's also impossible that, assuming that you are heterosexual with functioning hormones, that you're not attracted to any real live man. It's just not possible that in your entire adult life you've never met a man who is well-spoken or has an attractive demeanor or has a smile that lights up the room. It's just not possible. (Unless, of course, you've been marooned on a desert island with Charles Manson and no one else. Then I'll give you a free pass.)
I may have exaggerated a bit, though not by much. I mean, sure, if I am at a restaurant or out shopping, I may briefly see a guy that I find attractive. I'm not dead, as they say. But, guys that are within my general, or even slightly extended existence, not so much. I can think of 5 guys (that were of age, assumedly straight, single, etc) in the last 7 years that I had more than a passing attraction to. Only two of them I actually know. One got a gf not long after meeting him. The other smokes pot. Ick. The other three are people I saw or see on a regular basis. They are/were attractive to me and seem normal at first glance. But, I just don't know their personalities well enough to make a judgement. Other than that, nada.

Quote:
While you say that you're not fantasizing about Edward Cullen sweeping you off your feet, I still wonder if you're measuring men against characters created to serve a purpose for us -- they exist for no other reason than to entertain us. Real people do not exist for that reason.
Many of the men that I find attractive are very real, just not real to me. They are real to other people. I do appreciate certain qualities of fictional characters, but I find none of them perfect. I would think some of the characteristics I find intriguing, would exist in someone somewhere, ya know?
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Old 12-06-2012, 08:24 PM   #40
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Originally Posted by OhMari View Post
I always read this advice.
Ask your friends to give you an honest opinion how they see you.
Why do you keep meeting the same type of person, the idiots and jerks.
Maybe you need to stop going to the same place-bar, resturant, gym and find different outlets.

I have 2 sons in their 20's and they both think they are going to find super models at our local small town bar. I told them, they need to volunteer at Habit for Humanity or other organizations were they can meet people their age. The bar isn't it. Last Valentine's Day, my son went out with his friend to a resturant were they thought women would be. And they didn't see anyone. I told them, they needed to go to the grocery store and stand in the ice cream aisle.
Not long ago, I actually got hit on in the ice cream aisle.

I thought of all the people telling people to meet women at the grocery store.
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Old 12-06-2012, 09:53 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by I Love Pluto View Post
We live near Phila, PA. I have a 38 year-old son. Do you want to meet him? His Dad & I would love to have the retired couple household to ourselves!
Sorry, I have a 37 year old son and I've decided it's time for him to settle down.
Of course, the problem with he and the OP would be that he is very opinionated and stubborn and pig headed.
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Old 12-06-2012, 09:53 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by goofyintoronto View Post
Are you kidding me with this post? So people like the OP and myself should settle with anyone just so we aren't alone during our senior years? Listen, just in case your not aware, some ppl dont CHOOSE to be spouseless. We just haven't found a partner. Not by choice. It just hasn't happened or worked out. I was in a miserable marriage before, and believe me when i tell you that im much better off alone than with a man like that. I have my son, thats good enough for me.
Besides, even having a happy, till-death-do-us-part relationship with a partner is no guarantee of not being alone when you're elderly. Things happen, people die younger than they should, and sometimes it just works out that way. My grandparents were happily married for almost 60 years but my grandmother still spent the last decade of her life alone (in the partner sense - my mom and I were her caregivers).

OP - I think the trick is to relax, get out and socialize, and have an open mind without really actively looking. Sometimes great relationships start in the most unexpected ways. I met my DH when picking up a friend to go out for the evening, total coincidence and he's completely not "my type" but we hit it off and 14 years later here we are, happily married with three great kids.
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:03 PM   #43
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Instead of worrying how much someone might annoy you in 40 years, or worrying about having a baby, why not just focus on finding someone you can enjoy for now? Worry about later, well later. You're expecting WAY too much & are setting yourself up for failure.
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:34 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by mmackeymouse View Post
I am very confused about this answer, as it does not reflect my original post. It was not about being upset that I am not getting dates or that I am not attracting men. It was about my concern of not being attracted TO men.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not perfect, and we all have something about ourselves that we'd like to change or should change. But, that's a different discussion. It's not really relevant to this particular question I have. Thanks though!
What I meant by saying that is that sometimes it takes a boost of self confidence to put yourself out there. I had met plenty of losers during that time but I found a way to shut them out, and after working on my own self confidence I started to realize that I was my own worst enemy. If I don't date, I won't get hurt and blame myself and make my self esteem that much lower. I'm sorry if you find my idea irrelevant. Everybody could use some 'self' work.

Your question of "Why can't I find someone that attracts and intrigues me as much as the people I will never meet, sometimes even fictional people....?" I've felt like that too, and I used my personal experience of working on my self confidence to put myself out there more and meet someone REAL. You said you aren't attracted to the men you have met, meeting jerks or idiots. Not all men are jerks, and when I put myself out there, feeling worthy of love, I found mine. OP I hope you find yours.
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Old 12-06-2012, 11:06 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by Colleen27 View Post
Besides, even having a happy, till-death-do-us-part relationship with a partner is no guarantee of not being alone when you're elderly. Things happen, people die younger than they should, and sometimes it just works out that way. My grandparents were happily married for almost 60 years but my grandmother still spent the last decade of her life alone (in the partner sense - my mom and I were her caregivers).

I didn't mean that the spouse would be there for them forever. Obviously one spouse will die first, leaving the other alone. But if you have been married and had children, then you will have children and grandchildren, you will have family to care for and love you.

Someone else mentioned making sure they had enough money to care for themselves. The woman I have been talking about has plenty of money, but she has no connections to anyone to be a support system. This is not an economic problem, she can pay for her care and lifestyle. She has no one that cares for and loves her though.

I'm not saying that anyone HAS to get married and have a family, I'm just trying to point out to anyone who enjoys being single and free in their 20's, 30's, and 40's, that it may get old and you may regret it in your 60's and 70's and then it will be too late. I certainly don't think any ill of single or childless people, I just sometimes feel sorry for elderly folks in nursing/retirement homes who have no families. Most people aren't thinking about that when they are loving the single, family free, care free life of a 40 something.
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