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Old 12-06-2012, 01:29 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by mmackeymouse View Post
I was going to post this in the solo thread, but I thought it was something I could use all people's opinions on.

Growing up, and even still, my dream was to find a nice man and get married and raise a family and live happily ever after.

However, I am very opinionated and stubborn and pig headed, and some time ago, I came to the realization that.....could I put up with someone's quirks and all my pet peeved, breathing loud, chewing with their mouth open, falling asleep on the couch but not relinquishing control of the remote- for 40 years? It seemed that my life alone would be much easier than being stressed and annoyed most of the time for the rest of my life.

But, I can't deny that....I still have dreams where I have a little baby inside my belly, and I wake up wanting to bear a child so bad it hurts. And, I listened to "I Dreamed a Dream" about 25 times this morning, while I cried a bit.

I will also add this: I am attracted to men, I am. I don't have a "type." I like them tall, short, brunette, blonde, any eye color, muscular, gangly. I don't necessarily have a personality type either, in the sense that sometimes I like charismatic and outgoing and sometimes I like quiet spoken and shy. However, their personality definitely affects how attracted I am to them. Bearing in mind that I don't have one specific type, when I watch the TV, movies, sports, news, whatever, I always seem to find someone I am attracted to. Whether they are athletic, educated, political, musical, nerdy, kind-hearted, I always find someone I am super intrigued by, wizard and muggle alike.

But, in real life, I cannot find anyone I am attracted to. Not a single one. Mostly, it is by virtue of their personality. They act like idiots or jerks or whatever. Sometimes, it is that I am simply not attracted to them. Which is not to say that they are ugly; it could be someone that everyone in the room finds handsome and attractive, and I just.....don't.

Why can't I find someone that attracts and intrigues me as much as the people I will never meet, sometimes even fictional people....?

And, is this a sign, that maybe marriage just isn't for me? Has anyone else gone through this?
Yes!

But my advice is: Be careful what you wish for.
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Old 12-06-2012, 01:29 PM   #17
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My dad's cousin never married. She never had any children. She was college educated, and worked as an elementary school teacher. She traveled, had friends, owned her own home. Fast forward several years, she is now in her late 60's/early 70's, retired, and alone. She is getting frail and has no family to help her out. Her parents have long since died. She still has friends but they are all busy with grandkids and their own families. She enjoyed those years of being strong, opinionated, independent, never having to put up with anyone getting on her nerves, but it came with a price. While you may not feel like putting up with someones annoying habits now, remember that someday you will need someone. As I take the time to care for my children now, and it can get old and be burdensome sometimes, I remember they will be the ones kindly caring for me someday. If you're not willing to put up with others now, they won't care to put up with you later.
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Old 12-06-2012, 01:35 PM   #18
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Okay, that last post made me angry.

My sister is single, never met the right person. She didn't CHOOSE to be alone. Many people live alone and have happy fulfilled lives. Many people have children and aren't taken care of by them in their old age.

Just because you are single, it doesn't mean you are selfish! GRRRR!
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Old 12-06-2012, 01:49 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by disykat View Post
Okay, that last post made me angry.

My sister is single, never met the right person. She didn't CHOOSE to be alone. Many people live alone and have happy fulfilled lives. Many people have children and aren't taken care of by them in their old age.

Just because you are single, it doesn't mean you are selfish! GRRRR!
totally.

some people do meet "the one", others don' t. some want to,others don' t.

single does not equal selfish,sad or lonely.
it' s how you live your life that matters,whether single or coupled up.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:09 PM   #20
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I am not single but if I were, I confess I wouldn't give a 38 year old man who lives with his parents a chance. No way! Not what I would want for my life.

I agree with the PP's that you should be open to meeting new people in general and thoughtful about how you do it. Also, when you think about the kind of man you want to meet, you in turn need to be the kind of woman a man like hat would like to date. That means taking care of yourself and embracing your life's journey and your own ongoing personal, emotional and spiritual growth.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:21 PM   #21
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Many people live alone and have happy fulfilled lives.
Agree -but as some others have implied, the happy ones have deep relationships with others and even those become more perishable in older age.

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Many people have children and aren't taken care of by them in their old age.
The ones I know of in that category fit two profiles:

- Living with limited resources and relatively stressed because of it.

- Having means and blissfully unconcerned with their absent children.

Or put another way, as Cyndi Lauper put it on her first album, money really does change everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulvSS3nAK1I

And BTW, given our nose-diving birth rates, get ready for a future 20-25 years from now filled with a lot of unhappy, stressed elderly people who have no family to fall back on because they never started one.

And that isn't going to be pretty.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:28 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nchulka View Post
My dad's cousin never married. She never had any children. She was college educated, and worked as an elementary school teacher. She traveled, had friends, owned her own home. Fast forward several years, she is now in her late 60's/early 70's, retired, and alone. She is getting frail and has no family to help her out. Her parents have long since died. She still has friends but they are all busy with grandkids and their own families. She enjoyed those years of being strong, opinionated, independent, never having to put up with anyone getting on her nerves, but it came with a price. While you may not feel like putting up with someones annoying habits now, remember that someday you will need someone. As I take the time to care for my children now, and it can get old and be burdensome sometimes, I remember they will be the ones kindly caring for me someday. If you're not willing to put up with others now, they won't care to put up with you later.
Just because you get married and have kids does not guarantee that they will be there for you in your old age.

Dixie Carter (from Designing Women) had a quote that I loved: "It takes a great man to be better than no man."

Another one of my favorites: "It's better to be alone than wish you were alone."

Hang in there OP. I'm 49, well-educated with a great job, own my house, and I've never found "the one." Sometimes I regret it, but then I see many of my friends, co-workers, and some family members who would probably give their eye teeth to switch places with me because they're so unhappy in their marriages. I've decided that I'm just going to enjoy what I have and not try to worry about what I don't have. Once I got to that point, I was a much happier person.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:30 PM   #23
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"because they never started one"

Seriously? Everyone I know that is single and/or childless has that status through circumstances that are not under their control. They still live happy, fulfilled lives. How did this thread turn into blaming single or childless people for their own uphappiness?

OP started this thread because she WANTS a relationship and trying to figure out how she can be open to one. Shouldn't we be trying to help her rather than scolding her?
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:37 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by disykat View Post
Okay, that last post made me angry.

My sister is single, never met the right person. She didn't CHOOSE to be alone. Many people live alone and have happy fulfilled lives. Many people have children and aren't taken care of by them in their old age.

Just because you are single, it doesn't mean you are selfish! GRRRR!

To the first bolded that was kind of my point. She DID have a very happy, fulfilled, independent life. She had a career, home, friends, she traveled, etc. The problem came when she got elderly and had no one. Her other elderly friends have families and spend significantly less time with her, she is alone. She has no one to help her or take care of her.

As to the second bolded I don't think singe people are selfish. I do think that many years of living alone and never having to compromise with anyone, always making all your own decisions, would make it more difficult to change and accept someone else in your life. If someone lived alone until age 40 and decided to marry it would be a harder transition for them after being used to doing whatever they choose all the time. The OP insinuated that part of the reason she did not want to marry was because the things the potential husband may do would annoy her. She doesn't want someone making noise when they eat or falling asleep on the couch. She would rather have things in her house her own way. I think that is the way a lot of singles feel. I was just trying to point out that at some point down the road she may regret choosing that life.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:42 PM   #25
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The last thing a potential partner is going to want is somebody who is depressed and unhappy with life.
I would like to first and foremost like to acknowledge this, and some similar sentiments I got. I am NOT depressed or unhappy with my life. Btw, I am 30 to the person who asked. Sorry, if it is TMI, but I am a bit menstrual right now, so the I Dreamed a Dream cryfest is semi-normal. I'm a pretty optimistic and happy-go-lucky person generally speaking. Do I wish I had a significant other? Sure. But, most days, I am very content with the family and friends that I do have.

Now, when I described myself, that was not intended to be negative. I'm proud of my stubbornness. I'm proud of my feistiness. But, it what I described are very big parts of my personality that will undoubtedly affect my relationships


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There was a time where I hadn't had a date in like six years. Then, I lost some weight and gained a TON of confidence. My personality didn't change, but my self worth did. It was the change I needed though. Perhaps a little work on yourself will be the change YOU need too.
I am very confused about this answer, as it does not reflect my original post. It was not about being upset that I am not getting dates or that I am not attracting men. It was about my concern of not being attracted TO men.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not perfect, and we all have something about ourselves that we'd like to change or should change. But, that's a different discussion. It's not really relevant to this particular question I have. Thanks though!

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Others have given you great input, but there's one thing I noticed in your post. You are attracted to men on TV and in movies, but not in real life. I wonder if you aren't so focused on the fantasy, that you are too easily giving up on the reality in your life. No man can live up to the fantasy that I build in my head when I watch a romantic movie, or read a good book.
Thanks for this take on it. I do want to re-iterate though, that when I talk about actors, celebrities, athletes, etc, I am not obsessing over them. I don't live in a fantasy world (unless you count Fantasy Football) where I am pining for Edward Cullen to sweep me off my feet (no offense intended to anyone who may be reading this.) I don't idealize some dream perfect person. I just find myself attracted to these men, in looks and/or personality. I'm not talking studmuffin guys either. Very normal guys. An example would be Jim Parsons from he Big Bang Theory. Is he a dream boat? No. Is he gay? Yes. But, I cannot help but find him adorable, his eyes stunning, and his mannerisms charming. Another person, I may find them well-spoken and be attracted to their demeanor. I may see someone on ESPN and their smile lights up the room. I just don't find any of the same qualities with the men I meet or even just see.

Thanks for the opining......keep it coming!
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:46 PM   #26
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[QUOTE=bethy;46869485]I am not single but if I were, I confess I wouldn't give a 38 year old man who lives with his parents a chance. No way! Not what I would want for my life.

Should I be offended at this statement? Was it intended to hurt?
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:51 PM   #27
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Should I be offended at this statement? Was it intended to hurt?
I thought that was kind of harsh too. But, I think some people when imagine adults living with their parents, they are remembering not all that long ago, when you saw potheads in the basement eating Cheetohs and playing World of Warcraft.

Or maybe the only son of an overprotective mother who wants to be there to take care of his mother.

Our times have changed, and adults living at home are more and more common and they are not all losers. Most of them are getting post-graduate degrees or having a career. But, for financial reasons, or other reasons, they live with their parents.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:51 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by mmackeymouse View Post
I would like to first and foremost like to acknowledge this, and some similar sentiments I got. I am NOT depressed or unhappy with my life. Btw, I am 30 to the person who asked. Sorry, if it is TMI, but I am a bit menstrual right now, so the I Dreamed a Dream cryfest is semi-normal. I'm a pretty optimistic and happy-go-lucky person generally speaking. Do I wish I had a significant other? Sure. But, most days, I am very content with the family and friends that I do have.

Now, when I described myself, that was not intended to be negative. I'm proud of my stubbornness. I'm proud of my feistiness. But, it what I described are very big parts of my personality that will undoubtedly affect my relationships




I am very confused about this answer, as it does not reflect my original post. It was not about being upset that I am not getting dates or that I am not attracting men. It was about my concern of not being attracted TO men.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not perfect, and we all have something about ourselves that we'd like to change or should change. But, that's a different discussion. It's not really relevant to this particular question I have. Thanks though!



Thanks for this take on it. I do want to re-iterate though, that when I talk about actors, celebrities, athletes, etc, I am not obsessing over them. I don't live in a fantasy world (unless you count Fantasy Football) where I am pining for Edward Cullen to sweep me off my feet (no offense intended to anyone who may be reading this.) I don't idealize some dream perfect person. I just find myself attracted to these men, in looks and/or personality. I'm not talking studmuffin guys either. Very normal guys. An example would be Jim Parsons from he Big Bang Theory. Is he a dream boat? No. Is he gay? Yes. But, I cannot help but find him adorable, his eyes stunning, and his mannerisms charming. Another person, I may find them well-spoken and be attracted to their demeanor. I may see someone on ESPN and their smile lights up the room. I just don't find any of the same qualities with the men I meet or even just see.
Thanks for the opining......keep it coming!
Regarding the bolded...you are attracted to men who are unavailable to you. There is probably a reason in your past for this.

As for your age, you are still young and have plenty of time to get this all figured out. .
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:05 PM   #29
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To the first bolded that was kind of my point. She DID have a very happy, fulfilled, independent life. She had a career, home, friends, she traveled, etc. The problem came when she got elderly and had no one. Her other elderly friends have families and spend significantly less time with her, she is alone. She has no one to help her or take care of her.
Wow. No one knows what the future holds. But had she known that she was going to have troubles in her late 60s/early 70s (which seems early to me) and she had gotten married so she would have someone to take care of her, wouldn't THAT have been selfish? Wouldn't that be a great line on a dating site "I'm perfectly happy being single, could be happy in a relationship, too. But I want to make sure I have someone to take care of me when I'm old, so I'm looking to marry!" Sorry. That's selfish!

As another single (but with a kid), I don't expect ANYONE to take care of me. I expect to save money so I can take care of/support myself. Really, there were a host of reasons to become a mom on my own. To take care of me when I was old wasn't on that list at all. And by the same token, I guess only kids can call their parents selfish because they didn't give them a sib to help bear the burden. Or are kids selfish if they move to a different part of the country?

I'm sorry, that's just one of the most illogical arguments I've seen in a while.
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:24 PM   #30
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Second offer on our 38 year-old son. Anyone???
He lives with you?
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