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Old 12-06-2012, 08:28 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by luvmy3 View Post




Because you made a comment about him dealing with "his" family, and I just wanted to point out that not everyone feels that way about their in laws. I have been with my dh for almost 20 years (wow that makes me feel old) and I have been a part of his family since the beginning so that makes them "my" family too. The OP made a comment and said she wants to see them, so I figure its the same way for her.
I was going to comment on your post, but after I read the other pp's I just put my thoughts all together.
That's all, nothing really meant by it
I understand what you are saying but I have to be honest, no matter how much you feel like they are family if push comes to shove they are going to chose their own. I know that sounds terrible but I can't imagine anyone not chosing their own. I just think that while you (a general you) might consider them family they are first your spouse's family and if he/she is having angst with them then as a spouse you have to respect that and let them handle it how they see fit. I am not saying you have to agree with it and I am not saying that you can't try to fix it but in the end it can't be you (again a general you) who makes the decision. I think a husband and wife have to stick together. I don't know if I am saying this correctly but maybe someone else can offer up a better explanation.
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Old 12-06-2012, 08:41 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by Mouse House Mama View Post
I understand what you are saying but I have to be honest, no matter how much you feel like they are family if push comes to shove they are going to chose their own. I know that sounds terrible but I can't imagine anyone not chosing their own. I just think that while you (a general you) might consider them family they are first your spouse's family and if he/she is having angst with them then as a spouse you have to respect that and let them handle it how they see fit. I am not saying you have to agree with it and I am not saying that you can't try to fix it but in the end it can't be you (again a general you) who makes the decision. I think a husband and wife have to stick together. I don't know if I am saying this correctly but maybe someone else can offer up a better explanation.
I totally get what you are saying.
I think it really depends on family dynamics and exactly what is going on between a spouse and his family. Like I said, if it was something serious I would stand behind my dh's wishes. It was something like an argument between siblings and my dh just ended up with hurt feelings or hurt pride, I would let him deal with it in his way, but I would not change my relationship with my family, or my kid's relationship with them, over his inability to forgive and forget.
In the OP's situation I am assuming it wasn't something serious. If it has been a tradition to spend Christmas Eve with family, I would hope that my dh could put aside his grudge for one night to honor it (at least for his kids). If he couldn't then that is his decision but it shouldn't automatically make it "ours". Of course we (me, dh and kids) spend Christmas Day all together, a couple hours and dinner away from him the night before wouldn't be the end of the world.
I hope it works out for the OP whatever happens
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Old 12-06-2012, 08:53 AM   #48
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Originally Posted by arminnie View Post
Many people are saying they would never be separated from their kids on Christmas Eve.

When I was growing up my parents went to a Christmas Eve party and left the 3 of us at home every year.

We loved it as
1) We got to open one present early before they left.
2) After they left we carefully opened EVERY gift and then rewrapped them.
Love it!
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Old 12-06-2012, 09:34 AM   #49
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I have to agree with Pigeon on this one.

Yes, it IS the OP's problem.
And, yes, he has, in a way, put her in the middle.
And, yes, she has to decide how to deal with it.

But, IMHO, manipulation, counter-tactics, involving others, etc...
Not the way to go.

The OP didn't post ANY info about what the argument/words were all about.
And, she seems to be AWOL...
To me, that is flag number one.

Flag number two, I am not sure that she has fully understood the depth of what is going on. If her husband is usually a more even/normal/rational person (which she seems to have said), but his reaction to this is this strong, there is something more here than meets the eye.

I don't think I would make a decision on how to handle this, either way, until I understood what was going on.

In the end, she does have to, in some way, support her husband.

I especially agree with #2 point. If dh is usually level headed and doesn't hold grudges, maybe, just once, the Sis has said or done something that has pushed him over the edge. Maybe he is tired of being "the bigger person" and decides to hold Sis accountable for her words or actions. Maybe everyone else gives into Sis ... which enables her to be a jerk and say and do things and everyone lets her get away with it. Maybe he has finally put his foot down and said, "enough. I don't just that it is 'just sis', but I'm tired of being treated like cr@p and yes, I will die on this hill."

We don't know... Obviously, our own family experiences color our perspective, which is why it is so hard to answer a 'simple' question on a posting board.

However, that is a recent situation that I just went through. I was wiling to boycott a large family event/celebration over how I was treated by Sue (sil). I was tired of being the bigger person and giving in and biting my tongue. I decided if the family celebration was important to Sue, that she would apologize. "But Sue never apologizes." I was told. My response, "then she will learn to, because everyone tells ME how wrong she was, is anyone telling HER that? If this family (her family) event is important to HER, then she will find a way to apologize." Eventually, she did... somewhat. But I felt that I owed it to myself and my own personal respect to finally stand up to her. And I'm glad I did. Will things ever be the same? Nope. But maybe she will understand that it is wrong to treat people the way she treated me. Maybe she won't ever get that message, but will think twice around me.

So... the bottom line is, OP, you need to support your husband. And if that means that you start a new tradition this year, you need to do that. Otherwise, you are unintentionally taking Sis's side.
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:35 AM   #50
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Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post
I have to agree with Pigeon on this one.

Yes, it IS the OP's problem.
And, yes, he has, in a way, put her in the middle.
And, yes, she has to decide how to deal with it.

But, IMHO, manipulation, counter-tactics, involving others, etc...
Not the way to go.

The OP didn't post ANY info about what the argument/words were all about.
And, she seems to be AWOL...
To me, that is flag number one.

Flag number two, I am not sure that she has fully understood the depth of what is going on. If her husband is usually a more even/normal/rational person (which she seems to have said), but his reaction to this is this strong, there is something more here than meets the eye.

I don't think I would make a decision on how to handle this, either way, until I understood what was going on.

In the end, she does have to, in some way, support her husband.
I am not going to argue your point, I agree. But I am also not going to be a doormat either. Try and manipulate me and you get it right back.

We don't know what the offense was. It would be helpful to know that.

Here is my "drama".....

DH said he does not want to go to his mom's this yr for the "get together". He does not like BIL and he holds a grudge against both of them as do I and my kids for that matter. I would call it a justified grudge. (They kicked out the oldest who is a stepson to BIL because he is gay at 17. My nephew is just turned 28 yesterday!!! He lives in NYC, travels, is happy, we saw him a few weeks ago sans his family who he has no contact with.)

However we grin and bear it for 11 yrs. Last yr I did not go, I was sick and things were tense as I was told.

MIL just called me and invited us to the "annual get together". I said we would be there.

I am going to tell my dh you are going the end. You see how that works?

Now I am not comparing to OP's situation, a "blow out" with his sister would result in the same situation as OP.

Then I would respect his wishes and not go if sister/BIL was there. But he would have the guts to call and tell his mother how it is & we would see her at a different time.
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:37 AM   #51
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Originally Posted by surfgirl View Post
I especially agree with #2 point. If dh is usually level headed and doesn't hold grudges, maybe, just once, the Sis has said or done something that has pushed him over the edge. Maybe he is tired of being "the bigger person" and decides to hold Sis accountable for her words or actions. Maybe everyone else gives into Sis ... which enables her to be a jerk and say and do things and everyone lets her get away with it. Maybe he has finally put his foot down and said, "enough. I don't just that it is 'just sis', but I'm tired of being treated like cr@p and yes, I will die on this hill."

We don't know... Obviously, our own family experiences color our perspective, which is why it is so hard to answer a 'simple' question on a posting board.

However, that is a recent situation that I just went through. I was wiling to boycott a large family event/celebration over how I was treated by Sue (sil). I was tired of being the bigger person and giving in and biting my tongue. I decided if the family celebration was important to Sue, that she would apologize. "But Sue never apologizes." I was told. My response, "then she will learn to, because everyone tells ME how wrong she was, is anyone telling HER that? If this family (her family) event is important to HER, then she will find a way to apologize." Eventually, she did... somewhat. But I felt that I owed it to myself and my own personal respect to finally stand up to her. And I'm glad I did. Will things ever be the same? Nope. But maybe she will understand that it is wrong to treat people the way she treated me. Maybe she won't ever get that message, but will think twice around me.

So... the bottom line is, OP, you need to support your husband. And if that means that you start a new tradition this year, you need to do that. Otherwise, you are unintentionally taking Sis's side.
I totally agree.

We don't know what the problem is in the OP's family, so we don't know if anyone is being petty, deserving of an apology, it was the last straw, or worthy of never speaking again, so I can't believe the judgements being passed on her DH. The OP mentions that she too, was hurt, but just because she has decided to let it go and/or be a peacemaker, doesn't mean her husband has to feel or react the same way.

Since the OP used the word "grudge" in her post, many seem to think that implies a less serious offense and her DH is being immature and selfish for not letting it go, but it's equally possible his reaction is totally justified.

Either way, I can't believe anyone would support the idea that the OP and her children leave her DH home alone on Xmas eve and spend the evening in the home of someone who has obviously hurt her DH.

OP - I understand if you don't want to get in the middle of it, but if you are comfortable, perhaps a phone call to DH's sister explaining why you won't be attending might open her eyes to the fact that whatever happened has deeply affected your husband. Maybe that would prompt her to want to talk it over with him.

If not, I would respect my husband's feelings by staying home. Your children will not be permanently damaged by missing one Christmas gathering with extended family. Invite the cousins over during the week they are off from school and let them have their own party.
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:40 AM   #52
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It would depend on why my DH was angry.

If I could see his viewpoint then I might skip the gathering. If he seemed to be sulking and peevish over something silly then I would try to talk to him but I would likely go to the gathering and only stay there a short time.

Life is too short for nonsense.
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:40 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by The Mystery Machine View Post
I am not going to argue your point, I agree. But I am also not going to be a doormat either. Try and manipulate me and you get it right back.

We don't know what the offense was. It would be helpful to know that.

Here is my "drama".....

DH said he does not want to go to his mom's this yr for the "get together". He does not like BIL and he holds a grudge against both of them as do I and my kids for that matter. I would call it a justified grudge. (They kicked out the oldest who is a stepson to BIL because he is gay at 17. My nephew is just turned 28 yesterday!!! He lives in NYC, travels, is happy, we saw him a few weeks ago sans his family who he has no contact with.)

However we grin and bear it for 11 yrs. Last yr I did not go, I was sick and things were tense as I was told.

MIL just called me and invited us to the "annual get together". I said we would be there.

I am going to tell my dh you are going the end. You see how that works?

Now I am not comparing to OP's situation, a "blow out" with his sister would result in the same situation as OP.

Then I would respect his wishes and not go if sister/BIL was there. But he would have the guts to call and tell his mother how it is & we would see her at a different time.
So you expect your husband to be a doormat and go to his mother's house because even though you don't enjoy it, you think you need to force it down his throat?
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:42 AM   #54
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I totally agree.

We don't know what the problem is in the OP's family, so we don't know if anyone is being petty, deserving of an apology, it was the last straw, or worthy of never speaking again, so I can't believe the judgements being passed on her DH. The OP mentions that she too, was hurt, but just because she has decided to let it go and/or be a peacemaker, doesn't mean her husband has to feel or react the same way.

Since the OP used the word "grudge" in her post, many seem to think that implies a less serious offense and her DH is being immature and selfish for not letting it go, but it's equally possible his reaction is totally justified.

Either way, I can't believe anyone would support the idea that the OP and her children leave her DH home alone on Xmas eve and spend the evening in the home of someone who has obviously hurt her DH.

OP - I understand if you don't want to get in the middle of it, but if you are comfortable, perhaps a phone call to DH's sister explaining why you won't be attending might open her eyes to the fact that whatever happened has deeply affected your husband. Maybe that would prompt her to want to talk it over with him.

If not, I would respect my husband's feelings by staying home. Your children will not be permanently damaged by missing one Christmas gathering with extended family. Invite the cousins over during the week they are off from school and let them have their own party.
Summed up nicely. I would agree with you. However the dh might not like the phone call surprise.

I would add that I would tell dh that I am making the call so as it is not done "behind his back".

You could so far as an option if he is open to it, to say to the dh that you can make the call and explain things to your sister, it is YOUR family.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:48 PM   #55
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I am not the authority - but -

I think both your DH & his Sis should speak to each other NOW, not for the first time at Holiday time.

I had a very stubborn sister who held a grudge against me due to jealousy (I finished college, she did not). She did not speak to me. She died several years ago at age 64. Was all of her anger worth it? (I had tried many times to mend fences with her, so I don't feel bad at all.)

Do you REALLY want things to end like this? If not, do something now. We all don't get any younger as the years progress. Ask yourselves - "How would I feel if Hubby's Sis died & we hadn't spoken?" That answer will tell you what to do.

Good luck to you. I hope you have a positive outcome!
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:08 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by Mouse House Mama View Post
I understand what you are saying but I have to be honest, no matter how much you feel like they are family if push comes to shove they are going to chose their own. I know that sounds terrible but I can't imagine anyone not chosing their own.
I have a cousin who got divorced and the family basically chose the ex wife LOL- she was part of our family for so long and he was the one who cheated and broke up the marraige. Any kind of family parties, weddings etc she is always invited!

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Originally Posted by arminnie View Post
Many people are saying they would never be separated from their kids on Christmas Eve.

When I was growing up my parents went to a Christmas Eve party and left the 3 of us at home every year.

We loved it as
1) We got to open one present early before they left.
2) After they left we carefully opened EVERY gift and then rewrapped them.
LOL---mine used to go to church on Christmas eve and I would stay home and one year I did the same thing!!
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:16 PM   #57
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DH has a large family and we all get together for Christmas Eve. This past October DH had an incident with his Sis who is hosting the Eve. My DH does not hold grudges but he is mad and hurt by her so he will not go to her house.
Isn't this the definition of a grudge?
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Old 12-06-2012, 06:51 PM   #58
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So you expect your husband to be a doormat and go to his mother's house because even though you don't enjoy it, you think you need to force it down his throat?
He knows he is going to go anyway. He would not be able to say no to his mom. She is not doing so well at the moment.
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Old 12-06-2012, 07:20 PM   #59
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DH has a large family and we all get together for Christmas Eve. This past October DH had an incident with his Sis who is hosting the Eve. My DH does not hold grudges but he is mad and hurt by her so he will not go to her house. A few weeks ago he did give BIL- her DH a call but he didn't answer or return the voicemail. The trouble is my kids want to be with their cousins. DH thinks the kids should go there with his Mom and he and I have a quiet Christmas Eve together. I admit I am sad. I want to be with the rest of his family and all the noisy festivities. My parents would join us but without the kids, I would be sad.
I was hurt by what SIL did too but in the spirit of Christmas I think we should be the bigger people. Anything I can say to DH to ease his feelings?
MIL told me she spoke to SIL who said "What does he want me to do, apologize?" That might be nice but so far nothing.
Obviously, without knowing what happened I can't say whether your dh is being unreasonable or not. It could be something silly, or it could be something HUGE. Something totally worth cutting someone off for, something worth demanding an apology. Or not. Without details, I have no idea. As it stands, your dh did make a gesture of reconciliation (the phone call) so its not like he didn't try to mend it. If it is HUGE and my dh felt strongly about not going, I would support my husband, but that also means no way would I send my kids. I would simply tell the kids "this year we are having Xmas eve at home with my parents". No need to involve them in any drama (don't know how old your kids are, that might make a difference). Have you even been invited? Unless the SIL or BIL called or mailed an invitation, I would not go, and neither would my kids. An invite could be seen as THEIR gesture of reconciliation, so if you received an actual invite, that might change my answer.

edited to add, if it was "HUGE" I would think you would be outraged too, so it sounds like it's not.
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Old 12-06-2012, 08:52 PM   #60
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Going through something similar, we are staying home. Hubby's brother and his family are very greedy so we have noticed more and more over the years, anytime they can get something without paying for it, they are all about it.
Backstory...
Hubby and I got married in March of this year, we had planned on going to Tennessee for our honeymoon as I do have a daughter that lives in Sevierville, and this would be a great time to spend some time with her as well. Brother said that our wedding gift from him would be the use of his extra car for the trip, he also lives in Tennessee. Well, now trying to figure out the best way to do this, the brother advised if we helped with fuel, we could drive back with them, then fly back to Florida after our honeymoon... sounds good. I kept track every time we fueled up, and it was $300 total. We then gave him $150 and he couldn't understand why we were only giving him that little. We of course said... we are only paying 1/2 of the vehicle we rode in, not for his son's fuel as well... and we are only paying for the time we were in the vehicle... not their trip down to FL as well, that would not make sense.

Fast Forward to September when I am buying this same brothers Ford Expedition. It was supposed to be my friend and I taking a girls trip, fly to TN, get the truck, go to my daughters for her bridal shower and then drive home. Well... brother n law in order to not have to deal with emissions in TN transfers the vehicle to his son's name in KY as they do not require emissions. Two weeks before my friend and I are to go, brother calls and asks hubby to come with me, and he will pay our way up, and pay him to fix the roof on his home that is leaking. Mind you this home is only 3 years old and under warranty, he decides to go through the insurance company and do the job himself to get $$ in his pocket. Tells hubby he will give him $500 and pay our way up since he will miss a couple weeks of work. Yeah, well as it gets closer and I have told my friend plans have changed, he has now changed his tune to I will give you $500 to do the job, not paying our way up anymore. We ended up taking the bus which I will never do again, as that was the cheapest way to go. We get there and after the job is done he is talking about not having the $$ to pay hubby either.
Well, we had agreed on $3500 for the truck, I have him $3000 instead, since he didn't pay hubby for his work. The truck was in the son's name and he signed the title over to me, I had insurance already and was going to transfer the tag when we got back to FL, however we needed to wait a couple weeks in order to have the funds to do so. This was fine with nephew as he had a vehicle to drive already and when you sell a vehicle in KY the tag goes with it.
Brother had a fit because it was not transferred immediately after us returning home. Well while we were gone hubby lost his independent contractor job, and has yet to find work. I did not have the $200 it was going to cost to get the tag so nephew said no problem. I went to the tag office to do the transfer and because nephew signed title in wrong place, they said he had to have a letter notarized to the fact and send it down. He did and it took over a week to get here. A couple days before it arrived brother went crazy... started blasting me out in the open on facebook and text messages to our phones that I am nothing but a cheat and a liar, that I just was trying to screw them over with this whole tag issue... mind you the truck was not in his name and neither was tag or insurance. He was stressed because he bought a vehicle that he didn't think about the insurance being higher on because he has a car payment and has to have full coverage and doesn't know how he is going to do it. Anyway, then his daughter started on it as well, which then my daughter stepped in. I kept my mouth shut and did not say a word to either one of them.
Hubby is mad and will not have anything to do with this brother, and although they will be coming down for Christmas, we will not be going. We are actually going camping instead.
Hubby's sister sent out a message yesterday saying dinner will be at the house on the 22nd, well my best friend/sister n law has to work that day until 8 and they know this. So she won't be there either. I posted back that we will not be attending, and the niece is all giddy that I am not coming. I have not seen or talked to her since it hit the fan last month, and do have to see her in a couple of days and not looking forward to it. Good thing is, we live 100 miles away from where they are going, so we do not have to see them.
This is not the first time the brother has ripped hubby off financially, telling him he is going to pay him to do a job and not doing so. A couple years ago he was supposed to pay him to replace the roof on the barn, he worked a week on it and then his mom gave us $400 for the job, that was the brothers bill to pay, not moms.

I guess I am upset about Christmas as well as my daughters were left off the invite for Christmas dinner. Granted only one would have possibly been able to make it, but to not even invite... that just sucks. So much for a family day. I have one daughter that is still in TN, one that works at AK and will be there that day, and one 100 miles away that will be spending the day with her future in-laws.

I say this all to day, there are some very good reasons people have to stay away from certain family members... some are just not worth being around.
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