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Old 11-20-2012, 03:38 PM   #16
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See our office used to be known within our larger company as a really great office, everyone was very close, good friends, vacationed together. It is not that way anymore. Management changes put that to an end. It is sad because I used to honestly be able to say I would go on vacation with anyone in our office. Now, not so much. I guess now it is just a job and that is sad.

And I do initiate lunch as much as anyone else but it seems when I do no one is interested so I let it go. I have decided I will probably just start eating outside the office alot more. We are supposed to do that anyway, company policy and all.
I guess I can see why you missed how it used to be--but in reality most people do not want to be that close with their co workers. Maybe you have been getting a bit clingy, so now that the new co-worker is there it was a good excuse for others to pull away and try to set up a more professional relationship. I think your expectations of what is "good manners" in the office are a bit out of touch with reality and truly it is perfectly acceptable for people to order lunch without asking you.

I do think it was too much to make an issue about the ordering on two separate occasions. If this was not intentional, you have now made yourself into a clingy/whiny person in their eyes which will only make them not want to eat with you in the future--and if they were intentionally pulling away you have just solidified their resolve.
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Last edited by NHdisneylover; 11-20-2012 at 03:47 PM.
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Old 11-20-2012, 03:46 PM   #17
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OP, what did you end up having for lunch?
I went shopping and brought back a sandwich and ate at my desk.
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Old 11-20-2012, 03:51 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
I guess I can see why you missed how it used to be--but in reality most people do not want to be that close with their co workers. Maybe you have been getting a bit clingy, so now that the new co-worker is there it was a good excuse for others to pull away and try to set up a more professional relationship. I think your expectations of what is "good manners" in the office are a bit out of touch with reality and truly it is perfectly acceptable for people to order lunch without asking you.

I do think it was too much to make an issue about the ordering on two separate occasions. If this was not intentional, you have now made yourself into a clingy/whiny person in their eyes which will only make them not want to eat with you in the future--and if they were intentionally pulling away you have just solidified their resolve.
Actually others in the office are much more close but I don't think any are clingy. All I said to the one girl was I wish she would let me know and she got a little miffed but that is her personality. She always seems pissed about something. I don't have much interaction with her so it doesn't bother me. There are other things they do that makes me think they want their own little group and that is fine. I have never been good at that kind of thing and tend to just ignore it.

In the future I will start eating outside the office which is what they recommend we do anyway. It is just a shame because even corporate used to comment on what a fun office we were.
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Old 11-20-2012, 03:55 PM   #19
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Actually others in the office are much more close but I don't think any are clingy. All I said to the one girl was I wish she would let me know and she got a little miffed but that is her personality. She always seems pissed about something. I don't have much interaction with her so it doesn't bother me. There are other things they do that makes me think they want their own little group and that is fine. I have never been good at that kind of thing and tend to just ignore it.

In the future I will start eating outside the office which is what they recommend we do anyway. It is just a shame because even corporate used to comment on what a fun office we were.
I don't get it - why can't you order if you want to order? Why does it matter what they do - has nothing to do with what you want.

Or ask if they want to order, before they order.

Regardless, why does their ordering and not asking you end up with you eating outside??
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Old 11-20-2012, 04:07 PM   #20
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Well, maybe I'm sensitive too but I'd be hurt also. If you used to always order, they know you always order too, then it's deliberate behavior to leave you out. It is not that hard to ask a few people if they want in on an order before you call. And it's not always easy to place your own order if there is a minimum delivery amount.

I'm sorry things have changed, OP. Other than trying to directly ask if you ticked them off, I don't think you can do much more than you already have done.
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Old 11-20-2012, 04:31 PM   #21
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I would be hurt, too.

But, you mentioned it twice and didn't get very far. Be the bigger person and once a week or so, ask EVERYONE in the office for take-out and offer to place the order for everyone.

Then on the off days, if you get asked, join. If not go out and enjoy yourself.

The office dymanic can come back or maybe not, but it is totally okay to feel hurt. However, you can't force people to get back to where the comraderie used to be, no matter how hard you try.
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Old 11-20-2012, 04:32 PM   #22
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I totally get it, OP. We had our lunch group and when one coworker/friend moved away, the entire dynamic of our group changed. We were truly friends outside of work too, although in different degrees.
I usually bring my lunch but there are people who do get upset when they aren't asked every time that group orders lunch (2 are part of the original group, they order when asked, and do initiate ordering from time to time).
Sometimes I think people feel superior when they make others feel left out, or when they know they've hurt your feelings.

As far as ordering your own, some places (near us anyway) have a minimum dollar amount for their order. That wouldn't work for the OP.
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Old 11-20-2012, 04:47 PM   #23
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OP--have you ever heard the saying "Familiarity breeds contempt"? I understand your hurt BUT--------

While it's lovely to get along with co-workers, it can often get sticky especially when the interpersonal dynamics shift (new worker). I'd get my own lunch, asking anyone along the way if they wanted me to pick something up for them--though not going out of my way to seek them out. I'd remain my usual friendly self but not worry too much about being outside of any perceived clique unless my boss starts showing favoritism towards the others.

Remember this is work--not junior high.
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Old 11-20-2012, 05:41 PM   #24
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Totally Understand OP

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Originally Posted by StephMK View Post
Well, maybe I'm sensitive too but I'd be hurt also. If you used to always order, they know you always order too, then it's deliberate behavior to leave you out. It is not that hard to ask a few people if they want in on an order before you call. And it's not always easy to place your own order if there is a minimum delivery amount.

I'm sorry things have changed, OP. Other than trying to directly ask if you ticked them off, I don't think you can do much more than you already have done.
StephMK is right on both accounts. Many restaurants have a minimal order for delivery and so OP may not be able to order on her own. I too would feel slighted.

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I totally get it, OP. We had our lunch group and when one coworker/friend moved away, the entire dynamic of our group changed. We were truly friends outside of work too, although in different degrees.
I usually bring my lunch but there are people who do get upset when they aren't asked every time that group orders lunch (2 are part of the original group, they order when asked, and do initiate ordering from time to time).
Sometimes I think people feel superior when they make others feel left out, or when they know they've hurt your feelings.

As far as ordering your own, some places (near us anyway) have a minimum dollar amount for their order. That wouldn't work for the OP.
I agree with njmom47 too and have had a similar thing happen to me this year. There is someone new this year and so the dynamics are totally different. Now, my coworkers often talk about what they have done together outside of work and I have never been invited to join them. Granted, I am quite a bit older than the others but it just seems a bit unkind to talk about things they did and start to refer to new plans and then clam up when I am around.
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Old 11-20-2012, 05:49 PM   #25
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I can see why you'd be hurt, OP.

A few years ago, I'd have been hurt too. Then I FINALLLY learned an important life lesson -- when it comes to work relationships, I am expendable and forgettable. As are 99% of all people.

So I no longer expect anything real or meaningful or fulfilling from anyone in the workplace. I no longer invest anything real or personal from myself in the workplace. I'm friendly, pleasant, everyone enjoys working with me, but that's it. I give them nothing more. That way I don't get hurt when this little clique does stuff without me or that little clique spends all of lunchtime talking about something going on their Facebook feeds. And I've watched the "popular girls' lunchtable" at work change over time. I've seen other people get shocked and hurt as they are suddenly excluded/ignored when they retire or leave -- these people that they vacationed with, babysat their kids, etc suddenly forget they exist when they're not seeing them daily.

So while I don't think you're being "too" sensitive as it seems like they ARE deliberately excluding you, I'd say you are being too sensitive for the realities of the workplace. Sadly, it's really best to grow a really thick skin and also to divorce your emotions from co-workers. Don't invest your emotions in your co-workers and you won't get hurt.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:00 PM   #26
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You seem to be very "all or nothing" about this. Try easing into this new normal a little instead of slamming into it full speed.

If you miss the camaradarie you used to have with everyone, why not designate a certain day or days every month as "office lunch day" when everyone eats together? Maybe the second and fourth Friday or whatever. Or start a pot luck where once a week everyone brings something to share. Everyone is included, everyone gets a chance to catch up, and the new girl gets to know the rest of her co-workers.

It does just sound like the "group of three" who work together have formed a quick and friendly relationship and -- because they are in the bullpen and you guys are in your offices -- it's just been a natural progression. Perhaps the woman who left (who the new one replaced) was more of a networking type; maybe the new girl isn't.

I don't think it's anything to get upset about -- things change. You had a great group for a long time, and now it's just different. Doesn't mean it can't still be a fun place to work. I don't have lunch with any of the people I work with on a regular basis, and I'd never really want to vacation with any of them. But we still manage to have a lot of fun at work!

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Old 11-20-2012, 06:58 PM   #27
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I can see why you'd be hurt, OP.

A few years ago, I'd have been hurt too. Then I FINALLLY learned an important life lesson -- when it comes to work relationships, I am expendable and forgettable. As are 99% of all people.

So I no longer expect anything real or meaningful or fulfilling from anyone in the workplace. I no longer invest anything real or personal from myself in the workplace. I'm friendly, pleasant, everyone enjoys working with me, but that's it. I give them nothing more. That way I don't get hurt when this little clique does stuff without me or that little clique spends all of lunchtime talking about something going on their Facebook feeds. And I've watched the "popular girls' lunchtable" at work change over time. I've seen other people get shocked and hurt as they are suddenly excluded/ignored when they retire or leave -- these people that they vacationed with, babysat their kids, etc suddenly forget they exist when they're not seeing them daily.

So while I don't think you're being "too" sensitive as it seems like they ARE deliberately excluding you, I'd say you are being too sensitive for the realities of the workplace. Sadly, it's really best to grow a really thick skin and also to divorce your emotions from co-workers. Don't invest your emotions in your co-workers and you won't get hurt.
The OP said that they don't ask her nor do they ask her assistant. Since it is more than one person, it does not seem to be an intentional exclusion, but a natural one since the OP and her assistant work in private offices while the others work together.

It is natural for those in an open area that work together to plan their lunches, etc. And thinking about the people over there in the private offices doesn't usually happen. Private office people are often thought to be on a different level socially than those working in an open space.
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Old 11-20-2012, 07:07 PM   #28
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The OP said that they don't ask her nor do they ask her assistant. Since it is more than one person, it does not seem to be an intentional exclusion, but a natural one since the OP and her assistant work in private offices while the others work together.
It's an intentional exclusion if the OP has brought it up and asked to be included and they still don't. Especially since they did before and because she still includes them. They're making a choice. That makes it intentional.
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Old 11-20-2012, 07:19 PM   #29
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I have had it. I am generally easy going, easy to get along with, nothing ruffles my feathers. But today…well I have had enough. I work in a small office, 6 of us in the office and the rest of the staff are in the field. The 6 of us eat lunch together pretty much every day and I consider us all friends. We joke around, are friends on Facebook together, share recipes, etc. Since this one girl started about 6 months ago and jobs and offices were kinda rearranged (not mine) to make it more convenient for the 3, things have just seemed different. 3 of the employees have the same job and work in the same room together. The other 3 of us each have our own offices, not our choice just different job duties force us to have separate offices. Well a few times the 3 that work together have gotten takeout for lunch and not asked me even though we all eat together and it has been standard practice that if we get takeout we all pretty much get takeout. We generally get takeout 2-3 days a week. It hurt my feelings and I did let them know that next time I wish they would let me know because I really wanted to get something to eat also. Well they did it again today. I happened to walk in to the room where we eat which is also where the copy machine is. I saw they had food and I asked where they got food from? Well it was from a really really good restaurant that I love. I said to the one girl who had placed the order that I wish she had told me they were getting something to eat and said you know where my office is (total of about 10 steps from her office). She said well you know where our office is too. Excuse me but the apparently placed their order an hour earlier, way early for lunch, how was I supposed to know? I didn’t say anything back.

If this had been the first or second time they had done this I would not think much about it but this happens at least once or twice a month. And several times a month I just happen to walk in when they are about to place a lunch order and am able to get my order in with theirs. Maybe I am being too sensitive but when you work in a small office and work hard to get along you don’t leave one person out.
i would say that there is probably something else going on with the dynamic that is bothering you, so you are probably not being overly sensitive.

i would ask again, but leave it at that - i would like to get in on the group order because it would save me time, but otherwise - if i have to leave, it costs me lunch time. otherwise - bring your lunch. it will save you both money and calories! and irritation.
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Old 11-20-2012, 07:27 PM   #30
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OP - I don't think you're being overly sensitive to be feeling hurt. It does seem like they're mad about something. The one saying "you know where my office is too" is absolutely telling you something. You may not realize you did something that got them mad (just guessing here). I'm thinking it's about the lunch ordering in the past. Even though you feel you initiated as much as others, maybe you didn't, or something similar.

It's definitely middle school behavior though, and you have to think about if you really want to be friends w/ people like that. You can straight out ask one of them if you did something that you're not aware of, or you can just back off and accept that this is how it will be from now on. You can (and should) remain friendly (sounds like you would be that way anyway ), and just do your own thing for lunch, and/or ask your assistant to go to lunch/get take out, when you feel like it.

Sorry this happened. In such a small office, it has to be a little uncomfortable.
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