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Old 11-20-2012, 11:56 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by ebtbmom View Post
You might be right, she said that the idea of Jesus coming back to her was a happy idea, I guess since our views are 180 degree apart I just don't get it. I just need her to believe him and not blow him off. He tries hard to cover his anxiety because he doesn't like to worry people and now that he's a teen he gets a little more self conscious about it.
You don't mention exact age, but you say he's now a teen. Seems like, since this kind of stuff has been an issue before, it's a good opportunity to teach your son about tolerance for other people's beliefs without being personally taken aback by them. This is a hard skill to learn of course, but I'm going to wager he's old enough to understand the idea that he can just know in the back of his mind that someone else is spouting off crap he doesn't believe.
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Old 11-20-2012, 12:19 PM   #17
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Also, as a teen, he is old enough to just say, "Nana, I really do not want to talk about these things." He may or may not need to say anything else. It might mean more to her coming from him more than you. She is probably thinking this topic might be something that stirs questions up from him about her beliefs. I think he can tell her while still being respectful to his grandmother.
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Old 11-20-2012, 02:48 PM   #18
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There is absolutely no reason your son has to watch the news. My Mom gave up news for 10 years because it bothered her emotionally-her choice, and the world did not end. None of us can solve the world's problems. Some people deal with having no control better than others.
Does your Mom live with you? My husband and I had no problem limiting the time our son spent with his grandparents. Perhaps you can figure out how to either supervise their visits or limit the time they spend together. She clearly has no respect for his mental health troubles. Sorry this is happening to your son; I'm sure he would prefer to spend non contraversial time with his Grandmother.
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Old 11-20-2012, 02:59 PM   #19
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Also, as a teen, he is old enough to just say, "Nana, I really do not want to talk about these things." He may or may not need to say anything else. It might mean more to her coming from him more than you. She is probably thinking this topic might be something that stirs questions up from him about her beliefs. I think he can tell her while still being respectful to his grandmother.
I agree. He needs to speak up. When I was younger (and even to some extent now) I had panic attackes when I thought about death. It started when I was around five years old. Then it got worse when my father passed away when I was 12. Anyway, I have learned healthy coping mechanisms thanks to therapy, and one thing is to vocalize you are having an issue and then walking away. For me I need to get my mind focused on something else as quick as possible, either picking up a book, talking about something else, etc.

I had a real relapse my senior year of high school during the Gulf War. Had one very terrible grading period because of my anxiety. Luckily my teachers worked with me. I feel for your son. It's no fun.
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Old 11-20-2012, 03:17 PM   #20
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So, I wanted to tell you what helped when I was little. I didn't have full blown panic attacks, but when I was around 9 I was feeling some anxiety (sleeplessness, etc) over persistent worries about nuclear war. There was A LOT of focus at that time, "The Day After" was playing on television, etc., and it really got to me. I remember telling my grandmother one day that I was really afraid, and to my shock she said, "I worried about the same thing when I was your age. And so did your mother. That's something people always worry about. It's normal. But even though we worried about it all those years ago, we're all still here, right?" I know, perhaps a therapist would say there was something wrong with that, but for me...it was mind-blowing. It didn't just validate my feelings, but made me realize that these problems had always been around, but we hadn't destroyed the planet yet! It felt like a burden was lifted from my shoulders. Just wanted to share.
Your grandmother, bless her, handled your anxieties with kindness. That's all it took - just compassion and kindness. You were scared, it didn't matter why, her impulse was to help you not be afraid.

The OP's mother, unfortunately, didn't do that.

It doesn't matter whether she thinks his issues are 'real' or not. You don't intentionally poke people in a sensitive spot. It's not just unkind, it's outright mean. She intentionally caused her grandson pain. Whether it was out of self-absorption, narcissism, the need to 'win' or 'be right', whatever, she was dead wrong.

OP, I'm sure as your son gets older, you and his therapist will be helping him develop coping strategies for times when he must be around people who say upsetting things. It sounds like he's already getting a handle on that, since he excused himself and left the table to call you.

But until he's old enough and strong enough to deal with these things on his own, maybe he needs to spend less time with his grandmother. You can try to make her see that saying hurtful things to her grandson isn't going to fly anymore, but if she doesn't knock it off, I'd just limit her time with him for now.
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Old 11-20-2012, 04:41 PM   #21
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Op could some of his anxiety come from questioning his own beliefs? The teen years are the time when many kids question what they have grown up believing. If that's the case then your mom"s belief of Jesus coming would be scary without the anxiety issues that he already has.

It doesn't sound like she was trying to upset him. He asked a question and she answered what she believes is the truth.

I can remember when I was a teen, any mention of Israel and war could scare the beegeezus out of me. When you aren't sure what you believe but something is happening that may be the beginning of a prophesy and will prove what you think you have always known is either right or wrong its a little disconcerting.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:10 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by Lynne M View Post
Your grandmother, bless her, handled your anxieties with kindness. That's all it took - just compassion and kindness. You were scared, it didn't matter why, her impulse was to help you not be afraid.

The OP's mother, unfortunately, didn't do that.

It doesn't matter whether she thinks his issues are 'real' or not. You don't intentionally poke people in a sensitive spot. It's not just unkind, it's outright mean. She intentionally caused her grandson pain. Whether it was out of self-absorption, narcissism, the need to 'win' or 'be right', whatever, she was dead wrong.

OP, I'm sure as your son gets older, you and his therapist will be helping him develop coping strategies for times when he must be around people who say upsetting things. It sounds like he's already getting a handle on that, since he excused himself and left the table to call you.

But until he's old enough and strong enough to deal with these things on his own, maybe he needs to spend less time with his grandmother. You can try to make her see that saying hurtful things to her grandson isn't going to fly anymore, but if she doesn't knock it off, I'd just limit her time with him for now.
whoa, where does she say grandmom intentionally caused grandson pain?

She may have missed the cues yes but she simply said dh did not seem upset.

HOw was she intentionally trying to upset him? Yes she could have answered the question better but who hasn't suffered from foot in mouth disease. she answered it based on her religious beliefs, which many folks do.

Did op say that grandmom knew this was a sensitive area for her son. Sorry,
as I said before, that's one of the problems with mental issues, some times you;re not sure what sets the person off.

I didn't see if op came back and added to her original post but I did not read any thing in the first one that says Grandmom intentionally forced gs to look at the news. from her op it sounded like grandson asked a very ordinary question, like what was going on, in that news story and grandmom provided an answer.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:14 PM   #23
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BranV, your post is one of the most insightful post that I have seen!

And, to those who are continuing to say that the OP's son should be able to handle it. I have to, very very strongly, but respectfully disagree.

That might be true for a normal, strong, emotionally and physically healthy kid. One can make NO such assumption about a child with differences and issues. (as a mother of a child with some disability, who happens to be close to the OP's son's age.... I KNOW this)

One can not make an assumption about what one child should be able to do based on what all our wonderful and perfect and neurotypical children might be able to do. You just can't. Don't even go there.

Even adults with these types of issue are often unable to react in positive and proactive ways, because, as I understand it, Panic Disorders are like paralyzing and debilitating.

OP, read my earlier post and BranV's post again.
People with these personalty characteristics do not, will not, and actually CAN not change. No more than a leopard can change it's spots.

You know, the thing with leopards... They may be beautiful creatures, and may have many fine qualities... But, you don't want to 'engage' with one. You don't want to wrestle, or fight-the-good-fight with one. You don't want to find yourself locked in a confined area with one.

Doesn't mean that you can't just LOVE leopards...
But, the realities have to be acknowledged.
One can not try to reason with a leopard. (Cats are that way, you know!)
You can LOVE leopards, and you can RESPECT leopards.
But, that respect has to also include a respect for good boundaries.

Hope this helps!
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:29 PM   #24
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OMG, are you missing a LOT.
Much of this is also how the grandmother handled it when the OP tried to mention that this had caused issues and anxiety (pain) to her son... who had to actually get up and excuse himself and go phone his mother for support....

I will add, in red in your post, below:

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliza61 View Post
whoa, where does she say grandmom intentionally caused grandson pain?

Ummmm, he called his mother very upset... He came home breaking out into physical hives...

She may have missed the cues yes but she simply said dh did not seem upset.

Not okay... just an excuse... these things have been brought to this woman's attention before.

HOw was she intentionally trying to upset him? Yes she could have answered the question better but who hasn't suffered from foot in mouth disease. she answered it based on her religious beliefs, which many folks do.

As mentioned above... this goes WAY, WAY, WAY beyond that.... She didn't apologize... she didn't say "I am so sorry, I didn't realize and kind of put my foot in my mouth... in fact... Her response was just the opposite.

In fact, she brazenly acted like the OP's on was just saying these things, like he was just fabricating them, so that his mom would be mad at her... accusing the child of being the culprit and a liar... NOT okay.


Did op say that grandmom knew this was a sensitive area for her son. Sorry,
as I said before, that's one of the problems with mental issues, some times you;re not sure what sets the person off.

Yes, this was stated right away in the original post.

I didn't see if op came back and added to her original post but I did not read any thing in the first one that says Grandmom intentionally forced gs to look at the news. from her op it sounded like grandson asked a very ordinary question, like what was going on, in that news story and grandmom provided an answer.

NO, again, quite the opposite... she didn't answer with some basic and simple facts... (They are fighting over land and cultural beliefs....) She brazenly preached her own personal beliefs and opinions. Just so wrong in every way.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:30 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post
BranV, your post is one of the most insightful post that I have seen!

And, to those who are continuing to say that the OP's son should be able to handle it. I have to, very very strongly, but respectfully disagree.

That might be true for a normal, strong, emotionally and physically healthy kid. One can make NO such assumption about a child with differences and issues. (as a mother of a child with some disability, who happens to be close to the OP's son's age.... I KNOW this)

One can not make an assumption about what one child should be able to do based on what all our wonderful and perfect and neurotypical children might be able to do. You just can't. Don't even go there.

Even adults with these types of issue are often unable to react in positive and proactive ways, because, as I understand it, Panic Disorders are like paralyzing and debilitating. OP, read my earlier post and BranV's post again.
People with these personalty characteristics do not, will not, and actually CAN not change. No more than a leopard can change it's spots.

You know, the thing with leopards... They may be beautiful creatures, and may have many fine qualities... But, you don't want to 'engage' with one. You don't want to wrestle, or fight-the-good-fight with one. You don't want to find yourself locked in a confined area with one.

Doesn't mean that you can't just LOVE leopards...
But, the realities have to be acknowledged.
One can not try to reason with a leopard. (Cats are that way, you know!)
You can LOVE leopards, and you can RESPECT leopards.
But, that respect has to also include a respect for good boundaries.

Hope this helps!
But that's the thing Wishing, op herself said her son was not suffering from debilitating effects.

She herself said it was very mild. Grandmom said the kid went right on eating his pizza.

She also said that son was able to call her and evidently talk to her about what happen.

So insuating that grandmom showed some type of lethal, evil action toward grand son is way off base. AT most she showed IMO poor judgement in voicing her views, which many folks do. And sorry unless the hives instanteonusly broke out all over his face (don't know what he was wearing but if it were jeans and a long sleeve shirt the only way she would know is if she did a body check) she may have missed that clue.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:34 PM   #26
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OMG, are you missing a LOT.
Much of this is also how the grandmother handled it when the OP tried to mention that this had caused issues and anxiety (pain) to her son... who had to actually get up and excuse himself and go phone his mother for support....

I will add, in red in your post, below:
Not an excuse. big difference. Missing a signal and intentionally hurting some one is a HUGE difference.

Now mother and daughter issues totally different.

and as I said, that's the problem, many people with Panic attacks get up and excuse themselves.
Please explain to me, you get upset, get up and leave, collect yourself in another room at what point do I get esp and know your upset?

Seriously?

Now I did not read where mother and grandmom had this ongoing drama. where did you get that from? outside of her not following her mothers religious beliefs.

You are right, I am missing alot. I don't have these skills to read between lines. I'm going with the information provided me in the ops original and only post.

1) she herself said attack was very mild.
2) she said kid continuing eat his pizza (sounds pretty teen like to me)
3) yep totally agree grandmom could have been more respectful to mom, says nothing about how she treat GS.
4) Op herself said her son later broke out in hives. I took this as to mean when he was home with mom and grandmom did not see them
5) says most upsetting part is that mom and her didn't come to an understanding. Once again sounds like issues between the two adults. does not equate to grandmom being a viper.
6) totally agree grandmom could have listen to her daughter way more. Wish I had a dollar for every time my mother thought my parenting skills were shall we say "lacking". once again don't see how that equates to grandmother intentionally wanting to cause her grandson emotional harm.

Like I said, I'm strickly working with what the original post said. maybe your right and I need to have a kid with anxiety attacks to see more into it.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:37 PM   #27
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All can say is wow... just wow...

No further comment.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:44 PM   #28
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I'm going with the information provided me in the ops original and only post.
She posted 3 times to this thread.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:47 PM   #29
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She posted 3 times to this thread.
Thanks Jessica, I did ask if she had come back. didn't read the 2nd and third.

So I guess I'm just as mean as grandmom, I missed information also.
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:50 PM   #30
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Thanks Jessica, I did ask if she had come back. didn't read the 2nd and third.

So I guess I'm just as mean as grandmom, I missed information also.
Well, I wouldn't say that! No biggie really.
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