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Old 11-21-2012, 10:08 AM   #1
kacaju
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aging parents and driving..

UGH..Just need to vent. My Mom is *young* 70...but has early Dementia...our worst problems with her is she cannot take her medicine by herself, she cannot pay her bills anymore by herself. Also..she had been getting lost driving locally to her supermarket and Church.

She has a million excuses as to why she *gets lost* She also doesn't remember getting lost...she claims it only happened once.

We as adult children had to take the car away.

She still gets mad at us for taking the car away....She DID finally go to the senior center by bus and had a better time then she thought she would...glad to hear that!

The problem is because Mom is *young* people generally agree with her that she should still be able to drive...since she looks and sounds *normal*

To those who egg her on and tell her she should be able to still drive..please stop!! This was the hardest thing we as adult children ever had to do to Mom and it does hurt to have her call and yell about how *everyone* thinks she should be driving and what horrible children she has....the good news is most times it is all forgotten by morning...I do my best not to take it personally..it gets tiring to hear this week after week though...just needed to get it off my chest!!
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Old 11-21-2012, 10:13 AM   #2
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I'm sorry. DH and his sibling will be having to deal with something similar in the very near future and it's such a heartbreaking decision for everyone involved.

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Old 11-21-2012, 10:21 AM   #3
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you did the right thing!

My friends parents wouldn't listen to her about getting the car away from her 86 year old grandfather.

He finally drove into a supermarket and hit someone. (The person was ok)

They had the nerve to say to their friends "It's so hard, you don't know when you should intervene until something like this happens".

Don't let others make you feel guilty for doing the right thing. you are preventing her from getting hurt or killed as well as others!
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Old 11-21-2012, 10:28 AM   #4
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Yep, I really know the feeling. Stay strong!
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Old 11-21-2012, 10:38 AM   #5
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Good for you for being responsible and stopping her from driving. Someone I knew wouldn't stop her dad from driving because of the hassle it would cause HER! Yeah, well now the person he T boned is dealing with recovering from an accident because she was selfish.

I'm sorry people are not being supportive, that had got to make everything so much harder.
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Old 11-21-2012, 12:40 PM   #6
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I agree that people need to take the keys and car away! I am 67 and I haven't driven for 2 years. I had a stroke and still deal with a lot of dizziness. I decided that I didn't want to be responsible for someone else being hurt during one of my dizzy spells.

Was it a difficult decision to make? Yes!

Has it been difficult since I just can't go where I want (and there is no public transportation?) Yes!

Was it the right decision? Yes!

I live in an apartment for people over 55--most of the others are WAY over. So many of them shouldn't drive--but they do. I see so many near misses just in the parking lot---and the few people I have gone places with, I only go once. That is enough to scare the daylights out of me!
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Old 11-21-2012, 12:58 PM   #7
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We was very lucky when my father volunteerly gave up driving a few years ago. It surprised us all.

I know of a man who after hitting 2 parked cars a couple of signs an a tree all in the same accident. Had his car an keys removed from. He went an barrowed friends cars to drive where an when he wanted to go. Even tho there was many ppl very close who would have been happy to drive him. With that the persons who had taken away his car an keys gave them back figured it would be better for him to wreck his own car than someone elses.

Shame they can't all be like my grandfather was....After he moved in with my aunt he sometimes decided to go badk home for the afternoon sometimes he'd get out to his car an decide maybe he did not feel so well after all an go back in the house.
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:01 PM   #8
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About two years ago my dh and siblings had to tell their mom to stop driving. She sounds like your mom only was closer to 80 years old. Dementia was starting, she was getting lost, hit a mailbox, one night drove on the wrong side of the road cause she could see better on that side .
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:05 PM   #9
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:27 PM   #10
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Went thru this with my dad last year - his dr told him he had to stop driving because of his dementia, and I took his keys and the car away. He kept trying all kinds of excuses to get his car back (I don't know how many times he kept asking for one of my DS's to drive his car out to his house just to park it in his garage - "oh no, I won't drive it, I just want it here").

I was talking to a lawyer to be sure his power of attorney allowed me to sell his car even if he didn't agree to the sale. During our conversation, the attorney told me that since I knew he wasn't supposed to drive and didn't have the ability to drive, if I would have caved in and gave him his car back and he was in an accident, the person he hit could very well sue ME and depending on the situation, I could potentially lose my house.

That's something to keep in mind, esp. with the "sue happy" society we live in.
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:35 PM   #11
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Going through this now.

I have been lucky didn't hit til she was 86. It has gone down fast. I took her to her Dr and he pulled her license, at my request or rather behest.

She doesn't remember she can't drive so we have constant squabbles.
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:42 PM   #12
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We had to take my Dad's car away too. Actually, what we did is get him to agree to take a driving simulator test...we thought he couldn't drive, and he thought he could. We told him...take the test, pass, and we will be happy to hand you back the keys. He agreed. Since then (almost a year now), he just hasn't had time to schedule the test....I'm pretty sure he knows he won't pass.....
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:45 PM   #13
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I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of that, it's extremely difficult, I know. My Dad had Alzheimer's but thankfully he understood that he should no longer be driving and turned that over to my Mom. He was really, really good about it.

Dad passed away almost 5 years ago, Mom is 75 and still driving but only locally. She doesn't even like driving to the neighboring town. Traffic makes her nervous. I take her there every couple of weeks, to Wal-Mart, K-Mart, etc. so she can buy things she needs. She does get out almost every evening to go somewhere to eat though. I hope she will be like Dad was and be willing to stop driving when "it's time."
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:45 PM   #14
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You did the right thing. I'll probably be there with my parents (likely my mom first) in not so many years, and I know it'll be difficult. It's hard watching parents get older, isn't it?
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Old 11-21-2012, 02:01 PM   #15
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My mom drove until a month short of 89, had a stroke in April. DMV had her do a driving and written test a year ago, she got 100% on both.
But she rode the bus a lot, since it is free if you are over 75. As of April, her 9 year old car had just turned 10,000 miles, so barely drove 1,000 miles a year.
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