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Old 12-07-2012, 12:01 PM   #1
ceemys
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Question on relationships - making a man feel needed

I am 45 (almost 46), I have been on my own for a while now. I was engaged a long time ago but it ended when he cheated. Although I have been in a few serious relationships since then, they never move beyond 2 years. My oldest is adopted and my youngest is a sperm donor. I can do anything myself that needs to get done, electric, carpentry, bills, work, kids, etc. Here lately, when I get a date, they rarely go past the 3rd date.

How do I go about making a man feel needed? How do I go about opening up without making myself look like a fool?

My friends tell me that I am a great person and someone is out there for me.....but at my age, I am thinking he lives across the world. lol

Any advice?
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:08 PM   #2
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I am NOT a fan of 'making the man feel needed'...
Not at all.

I think that the from Venus and Mars book is the worst and absolutely most incredibly misguided book ever written.

While it does make some true and striking points, the whole premise is that men are incompetent boys, but we must relate to them, and serve them, like they are King, like they are 'needed', like they are are our savior prince charming. The whole damsel-in-distress... "Ohhhhh my!!!!, I've dropped my handkercheif!!"

Perhaps it should be less about, I don't really need a man, so why should I keep you around... Or, I have to do something mandatory to make a man feel 'needed'.... And, more about, how can we develop a relationship and love each other and draw joy from each other.

THAT is what anyone really needs... Even if they do happen to be, at the current time, self sufficient.
(never forget, that could change very quickly and easily)

Everybody needs someone emotionally.

No man/woman is an island.

Last edited by Wishing on a star; 12-07-2012 at 12:20 PM.
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:16 PM   #3
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Based on what my male friends have told me, "being needed" is one of the biggest turn-offs there is in casual dating. They want to get to know you well before you start asking for favors and emotional investment. IME, men only want to "feel needed" by a partner after they have already fallen in love.

You didn't say how old your youngest is, but at your age (and you are a bit younger than I am), children are usually the issue. Men in their 50's, especially divorced men whose children are already grown, tend to shy away from the logistical issues inherant in dating the sole parent of a younger school-aged child.
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:17 PM   #4
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I think it's probably more of a need to feel "wanted." The need to feel "needed" probably comes later in a relationship.

Even "wanted" can be a hard one. The age old question - how to indicate interest without coming on too strong? Are you reciprocating invitations? If the man does all the inviting, there comes a point (3rd date?) when he waits to see if YOU'LL call HIM.
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:20 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post

I think that the from Venus and Mars book is the worst and absolutely most incredibly misguided book ever written.
AGREED!!!
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:21 PM   #6
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I think guys are more interested in independant women than needy women. IME the less you pay attention to a guy the more he wants you.
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:23 PM   #7
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I have quite a few male friends. Here is what I seem to notice uniformly about them:

Whether they care to admit it or not, they seem to be more attracted to a less-strong woman. I'm not saying that they want "needy" women but they do seem a little threatened by a take charge woman. They have ended up marrying women that sort of rely on them and, after some time, they don't particularly care for it. But the "attraction" part of the equation does seem to start by the men feeling that they are "taking care" of someone, no matter how minor.

I do know one or two men who are totally opposite of that and have married very strong women. Most women do not seem to be attracted to this type of man that is OK with the strong woman. Go figure.

My best friend's DD (25) is a very self-sufficient girl (and cute too) and she is having a hard time finding a guy who is not threatened by her ability to have herself together.
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:26 PM   #8
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I think everyone likes to feel needed, especially by their significant other. But I don't think it has to be about needing them to do things you can't do for yourself. I need my husband. There isn't any household chore he does that I could not do for myself (or hire someone to do), I don't need his income to survive, I don't need him to reach things for me because he's taller. I need him because of who he is and because my life is better with him in it. I need him because I miss him when we are apart. I know he feels the same way about me. I think that is important in a relationship - needing someone to be there not because of anything else, just because of who they are and how they make you feel. I don't think that's something that usually requires much effort to communicate, except just by being open about how you feel about the person and letting them know your life is better with them in it.

Obviously that's not something that would be an issue early in a relationship, but I think even early in the relationship it's important to let someone know that you like them and that you enjoy the time you spend with them. Not to a ridulous, "I want to spend every second with you" degree, but just by letting them know they are appreciated and that you enjoy their company.
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:30 PM   #9
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I'm not saying that I DO make myself look needy. I was just watching a TV show and the latest survey is that men don't feel needed and that is the reason they shy away from relationships. I do take the initiative and call. I rarely call every day, probably every other day. Or sometimes I wait and try to see if he calls. I do let a man open a door for me if he attempts it, but if not, then I just do it. I keep eye contact. I do keep my phone on the table, only because my 13 y/o is usually babysitting my 5 y/o and I need it handy in case they need anything, but I always tell them. I never text during a date. I try to ask questions about him and his family or job or whatever.

I am obviously doing something wrong. lol (I never say that to them though!)
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:33 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post

I think that the from Venus and Mars book is the worst and absolutely most incredibly misguided book ever written.
Never read this book.
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:36 PM   #11
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I would never make an effort to "make a man feel needed" but any man that needs that kind of coddling would not be the kind of guy I am interested in anyway. I think as adults you need to be able to have your independent life and when you find someone you enjoy spending time with, it should be based on that you enjoy spending your time with them. I had my own job, car, apartment, and social life before I met my husband. I didn't need him for anything other than the pleasure of his company and he is fun to talk to and makes me laugh. And for the record, I found him as soon as I stopped actively looking. I decided I was happy and things were going well so why keep torturing myself about being single. And just like that, the universe stepped in. Best of luck to you!
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:41 PM   #12
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There is a great quote somewhere that says something like "You can make more friends in two months by being interested in others than you can in 2 years of trying to get others to be interested in you"
Don't ever try to do anything that is designed to get a man interested in you! That is a sure fire recipe for unhappiness!
Just be interested in life and people in general, and that will make you interesting to the right people. It's the truth!
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:51 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ceemys View Post
I'm not saying that I DO make myself look needy. I was just watching a TV show and the latest survey is that men don't feel needed and that is the reason they shy away from relationships. I do take the initiative and call. I rarely call every day, probably every other day. Or sometimes I wait and try to see if he calls. I do let a man open a door for me if he attempts it, but if not, then I just do it. I keep eye contact. I do keep my phone on the table, only because my 13 y/o is usually babysitting my 5 y/o and I need it handy in case they need anything, but I always tell them. I never text during a date. I try to ask questions about him and his family or job or whatever.

I am obviously doing something wrong. lol (I never say that to them though!)
Maybe that's part of it. As a rule I would never call a guy. Not until we are officially dating for a while. Don't always be available either. Go out with friends. Have fun. You don't have to answer the phone every time he calls either. If he asks you out don't always say yes right away. There's nothing wrong with letting a guy think there are other men out there who are insterested in you too. Women are more interesting to me if other men are interested in you too. I wouldn't tell him too much either. If you weren't home or you didn't answer his call and he mentions it later just tell him you were out with a "friend". Let his mind wander while he tries to figure out if this friend is a guy or a girl. It's natural for a man to want the chase and to aquire the prize at the end. By being available all the time you're taking all the fun out of it.
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:58 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ceemys View Post
I'm not saying that I DO make myself look needy. I was just watching a TV show and the latest survey is that men don't feel needed and that is the reason they shy away from relationships.
Those sound like the kind of losers you wouldn't want in your life. I've always found an independent woman attractive
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:03 PM   #15
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I think a man wants to feel cherished, not wanted. I don't 'need' my husband, I adore him, appreciate him, want him. Most good men want a women they know can function totally on their own but loves having a partnership with them. A needy man is not all that much fun and I think men feel the same way about needy women. Find a man who loves being loved but doesn't need to be needed. When I've actually had times that I 'needed' my husband, it's been a suprise to both of us and each of us has been able to step into that role easily-sickness, loss, in each great love there are times when you do 'need' your partner to take over. We are and always have been accustomed to functioning as kind of a Venn diagram-his world, my world and where they overlap. Our son, who has his own circle, occupies much of our overlap and lots of each of our worlds. We have been together for over 30 years. We are still romantic, loving, interested in each other. It's been fun to watch DH grow and change and I'm sure he feels the same way about me. So, choose a man who will be there IF AND WHEN you need them and make sure they know you are that person for them.
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