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Old 10-28-2012, 07:49 PM   #1
ABDonovan
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I broke my winning streak with Self Injury...[Long and a little cringe worthy some]

So, a little background on my disorder. I have BiPolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I think that's a general thing that they diagnose you with when they find out that you're BiPolar.

I started cutting myself when I was 11. I was going through a few rough patches: My Grandfather passed away, I was bullied (violently, not just words), and teachers were talking to my parents about just pulling me out of school, because they gave up on me.

Most of the time it was discreet. I would slide needles under my skin, or I would cut my fingers with cardboard, to keep people from asking. I didn't know at the time that it was a real thing. I thought that it just made me feel better, and that everyone did it at some point.

I was pulled out of school, and homeschooled by my grandmother for a while after that. Counselors decided that I was too dangerous to be in school, and that I was a ticking time bomb. Instead of punishing the girls and boys that beat me up and stole my things, they kicked me out, basically, to keep drama away.

My grandmother wrote a letter to the state, and the letter she received basically agreed with the school. If I was bullied to that extent, it was easier to remove me from the system, than to punish 6 kids or so.

That summer, my grandmother basically flew the bird to all of them. She packed up, took some money out of her savings account, and we flew to Disney World. It was the happiest week of my life. For so long, even as a kid, I had felt like I was just...nothing. I felt as if I wasn't allowed to be happy. I felt like this "God" character made me as a punching bag, because I had done something wrong, somehow.

Either way, we stayed 9 days at Disney with family (my Aunt and Uncle), and I came home in such good spirits. I didn't cut myself, or anything, for over a year.

Then, I started High School. We moved with the consolidation (or something like that) and I was allowed to start 9th grade with everyone else. New school, new start. It was great, until I spoke up in class one day to answer a question for Biology. I was seen. I was now a target, just for knowing something the popular kids didn't.

They began to make fun of me in the halls. They made fun of my clothes, because they were from Walmart and JCPenny. They made fun of me for being fat, because I wasn't as tiny as the cheerleaders. They just...bullied me. However, I wasn't too worried. No one hit me. They just said hurtful things. The cutting started back up, slowly. It would happen by accident, and sometimes I would fall off of bikes, or scrape my knee on a concrete by sliding on my knees and pretending to fall. It was all 'accidental'.

Time wore on, I became anorexic. I couldn't eat, because food made me wanna puke. So, if I did eat, it would just come right back up. I couldn't gain weight, or no one would like me. The anorexia led to more cutting, and this time, it was real. My legs were littered in scars. My forearms were soon covered in deep rivers, and my family began to talk.

I don't remember much about the rest of my time, until I left for college. My first year of college was amazing. I had friends. I had people who didn't know anything about me, and loved me...for me. It was something I had never had before, and I still have ALL of those friends today.

However, tuition skyrocketed, my grandmother died, and I hit rock bottom. My grades plummeted and I was basically kicked out of the University. I didn't care. I tried to kill myself, and was warned by state authorities that trying again would result in me being put in a home (I guess a nursing home?) and I was forced to move colleges. I had to move back home, and go to Arkansas State University, because it was cheaper and people could watch me. The only good part, was that I tested into the college above most, and received the President's Scholarship. This was basically a full ride. We didn't pay for food, or anything, but I was miserable.

Many of the bullies from my high school were there, and were in a lot of my classes. They still met me in the elevator and commented on what I was wearing, and the fact that I was still fat (5'2" 90 lbs), and disgusting. I fell into depression...low and behold the SI started.

I met my DH in August of 2008. I had just left a really nasty rollercoaster of a relationship, and he was the guy's best friend. He saw something in me. He wanted to save me. He gave me a place to live, to take pressure off of my parents (who didn't want to help me in the first place at the time). He didn't ask anything in return, except that I didn't cut myself, and I get help.

So, I met with a therapist, and discussed my issues or whatever with her. I still have her today, though I don't talk a whole lot. I stopped cutting and was completely clean, until tonight.



So...If you're still reading this, I'm sorry for how long that was. This post was supposed to be about what happened tonight. However, I want people to understand. I want people to see life from the perspective of someone who is suffering, and may not have a good reason, because of chemicals and crappy choices.

Today, we found out that DH's grandmother was placed into the hospital for fluid in her lungs. They emptied her lungs, and she was feeling fine. They ran some tests, but haven't determined what's causing the fluid to fill up. Later on, her lungs began filling up again, and now she's in pretty bad shape. She's on oxygen and she's just...not doing good.

He's not taking it as well as he's acting, and all of this is too reminiscent of my own Nana dying in a hospital of the same exact thing. The doctors took their sweet time finding out what was wrong (no...they didn't do their best), and when she coded, they basically didn't bother trying...

So, how am I taking it? I don't know how to take it. I am feeling his emotions for him. It's not my family (even though technically it is), and I don't feel as if I'm allowed to be upset. I feel like I'm being a drama queen. However, his humor...his acting like nothing is wrong, is the most stressful scenario...

I have no idea why, but all of the overwhelm I felt in my chest (you know...the impending doom feeling of a deadline coming up, or something...the heart racing terrified feeling of not knowing what's happening?) has caused me to break. My arm is completely cut up. I don't remember doing it...I feel like a child...it's a childish thing. You know...cutting is for kids. I don't want DH to see it, because I don't want him to pay attention to me. I want him to forget I'm here, and be there for his family...

I just don't know what to feel...I just need support...but not from family...

If that makes me an attention *****, don't bother flaming...The last thing I need is another bully in my life...

Sorry for the ramble...Had to share with someone, and I don't know anyone I would bother to burden.
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Old 10-28-2012, 09:46 PM   #2
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Thank you for sharing. I have absolutely no idea how to help you. I just want to say please don't do it.

I'd love to hear about the trip you took when you were a kid. Do you have pictures? What was your favorite ride? Everyone here loves talking about Disney and you do too. So come here and talk to us.
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Old 10-28-2012, 11:07 PM   #3
jessc79
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ABDonovan
So, a little background on my disorder. I have BiPolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I think that's a general thing that they diagnose you with when they find out that you're BiPolar.

I started cutting myself when I was 11. I was going through a few rough patches: My Grandfather passed away, I was bullied (violently, not just words), and teachers were talking to my parents about just pulling me out of school, because they gave up on me.

Most of the time it was discreet. I would slide needles under my skin, or I would cut my fingers with cardboard, to keep people from asking. I didn't know at the time that it was a real thing. I thought that it just made me feel better, and that everyone did it at some point.

I was pulled out of school, and homeschooled by my grandmother for a while after that. Counselors decided that I was too dangerous to be in school, and that I was a ticking time bomb. Instead of punishing the girls and boys that beat me up and stole my things, they kicked me out, basically, to keep drama away.

My grandmother wrote a letter to the state, and the letter she received basically agreed with the school. If I was bullied to that extent, it was easier to remove me from the system, than to punish 6 kids or so.

That summer, my grandmother basically flew the bird to all of them. She packed up, took some money out of her savings account, and we flew to Disney World. It was the happiest week of my life. For so long, even as a kid, I had felt like I was just...nothing. I felt as if I wasn't allowed to be happy. I felt like this "God" character made me as a punching bag, because I had done something wrong, somehow.

Either way, we stayed 9 days at Disney with family (my Aunt and Uncle), and I came home in such good spirits. I didn't cut myself, or anything, for over a year.

Then, I started High School. We moved with the consolidation (or something like that) and I was allowed to start 9th grade with everyone else. New school, new start. It was great, until I spoke up in class one day to answer a question for Biology. I was seen. I was now a target, just for knowing something the popular kids didn't.

They began to make fun of me in the halls. They made fun of my clothes, because they were from Walmart and JCPenny. They made fun of me for being fat, because I wasn't as tiny as the cheerleaders. They just...bullied me. However, I wasn't too worried. No one hit me. They just said hurtful things. The cutting started back up, slowly. It would happen by accident, and sometimes I would fall off of bikes, or scrape my knee on a concrete by sliding on my knees and pretending to fall. It was all 'accidental'.

Time wore on, I became anorexic. I couldn't eat, because food made me wanna puke. So, if I did eat, it would just come right back up. I couldn't gain weight, or no one would like me. The anorexia led to more cutting, and this time, it was real. My legs were littered in scars. My forearms were soon covered in deep rivers, and my family began to talk.

I don't remember much about the rest of my time, until I left for college. My first year of college was amazing. I had friends. I had people who didn't know anything about me, and loved me...for me. It was something I had never had before, and I still have ALL of those friends today.

However, tuition skyrocketed, my grandmother died, and I hit rock bottom. My grades plummeted and I was basically kicked out of the University. I didn't care. I tried to kill myself, and was warned by state authorities that trying again would result in me being put in a home (I guess a nursing home?) and I was forced to move colleges. I had to move back home, and go to Arkansas State University, because it was cheaper and people could watch me. The only good part, was that I tested into the college above most, and received the President's Scholarship. This was basically a full ride. We didn't pay for food, or anything, but I was miserable.

Many of the bullies from my high school were there, and were in a lot of my classes. They still met me in the elevator and commented on what I was wearing, and the fact that I was still fat (5'2" 90 lbs), and disgusting. I fell into depression...low and behold the SI started.

I met my DH in August of 2008. I had just left a really nasty rollercoaster of a relationship, and he was the guy's best friend. He saw something in me. He wanted to save me. He gave me a place to live, to take pressure off of my parents (who didn't want to help me in the first place at the time). He didn't ask anything in return, except that I didn't cut myself, and I get help.

So, I met with a therapist, and discussed my issues or whatever with her. I still have her today, though I don't talk a whole lot. I stopped cutting and was completely clean, until tonight.

So...If you're still reading this, I'm sorry for how long that was. This post was supposed to be about what happened tonight. However, I want people to understand. I want people to see life from the perspective of someone who is suffering, and may not have a good reason, because of chemicals and crappy choices.

Today, we found out that DH's grandmother was placed into the hospital for fluid in her lungs. They emptied her lungs, and she was feeling fine. They ran some tests, but haven't determined what's causing the fluid to fill up. Later on, her lungs began filling up again, and now she's in pretty bad shape. She's on oxygen and she's just...not doing good.

He's not taking it as well as he's acting, and all of this is too reminiscent of my own Nana dying in a hospital of the same exact thing. The doctors took their sweet time finding out what was wrong (no...they didn't do their best), and when she coded, they basically didn't bother trying...

So, how am I taking it? I don't know how to take it. I am feeling his emotions for him. It's not my family (even though technically it is), and I don't feel as if I'm allowed to be upset. I feel like I'm being a drama queen. However, his humor...his acting like nothing is wrong, is the most stressful scenario...

I have no idea why, but all of the overwhelm I felt in my chest (you know...the impending doom feeling of a deadline coming up, or something...the heart racing terrified feeling of not knowing what's happening?) has caused me to break. My arm is completely cut up. I don't remember doing it...I feel like a child...it's a childish thing. You know...cutting is for kids. I don't want DH to see it, because I don't want him to pay attention to me. I want him to forget I'm here, and be there for his family...

I just don't know what to feel...I just need support...but not from family...

If that makes me an attention *****, don't bother flaming...The last thing I need is another bully in my life...

Sorry for the ramble...Had to share with someone, and I don't know anyone I would bother to burden.
Just wanted to offer a hug. I can relate some. Especially to things feeling childish. Plus that relief is short-lived. But don't be so hard on yourself you're doing your best.
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Old 10-29-2012, 10:47 AM   #4
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I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through.. Nobody should have to endure all that.

I don't think of you as an attention anything. Someone who has experienced deep pain and then some. I did read everything, but didn't see if you are seeing anyone? Someone neutral to just talk to and someone to listen. I think we all need this. I am no pro, but have my thoughts, and those are what they are. Sometimes life just gives us so much, and we can't process it all. I see someone myself, and honestly before that I was overloaded. Like a circuit, just taking and taking, and I don't think anyone can.

When my mother in law was dying, my husband didn't deal in the "so called" fashion. I think he refused to accept it. He made jokes, ran around just plain strange. He did the same thing when I was at my most sick point. Some of us deal differently, and there are no right and wrong ways.

In my opinion it is YOUR family as well. You are allowed to grieve.

If you need a shoulder, please feel free to message me, and/or continue to write here.

Thoughts and hugs.
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Old 11-01-2012, 11:49 PM   #5
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I happened upon your post and didn't want to leave without commenting. I read every word you wrote, you write very eloquently and I can see that you are suffering.

First of all, you have a right to feel sad and upset. Feelings are feelings, we can't control them. I do not think that cutting is for kids. Anyone can engage in self-destructive behavior when they are stressed out. Some of us drink too much, some of us lash out at those we love, and some of us take it further. Understanding that what you are doing is not healthy, and not going to help your feelings, is the first step.

From your post it seems to me like you are keeping a lot of this to yourself because you are afraid to add additional stress onto your husband. That is understandable, but I don't think it's necessary. You are a partnership in this life, for better or worse. Your feelings are valid, this is not a situation that affects only him, clearly this has affected you very deeply. Don't wonder if you have a right to your feelings, because you do. I think that you should talk to him if you feel safe enough to do that. It might feel like it would be scary or embarrassing, but think about how you would want him to handle it if this was happening to him and he was engaging in self-harm. I am sure you would hope he trusted you enough to come to you for support, and I think you can trust him for that as well.

If you aren't sure if he will be supportive, is there anyone else in your life you can talk to? Sometimes the outside perspective is all you need to see things more clearly. I can feel the pain you still feel as a result of those people who hurt you, physically and emotionally, when you were young. Right now someone is hurting you again... this time it is you. You are telling yourself that your feelings and emotions don't matter, and you are physically hurting yourself. You may not have all the tools to understand exactly why and how to stop it, but you owe it to the child that you were and the woman you have become now to take steps to protect yourself, from yourself! You are worth protecting, you must believe that. There is no shame in needing help with this, as many many people struggle with this problem. I think it is more common than we think, and we all need help sometimes in remembering to take good care of ourselves. That's why we need each other.

Please don't feel ashamed and embarrassed, you have overcome a lot. The self-harm was just one day and one incident. It doesn't ruin your streak, it is a signal that there is something that you need to take care of. That's all.
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Old 11-04-2012, 08:56 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elleherself
I happened upon your post and didn't want to leave without commenting. I read every word you wrote, you write very eloquently and I can see that you are suffering.

First of all, you have a right to feel sad and upset. Feelings are feelings, we can't control them. I do not think that cutting is for kids. Anyone can engage in self-destructive behavior when they are stressed out. Some of us drink too much, some of us lash out at those we love, and some of us take it further. Understanding that what you are doing is not healthy, and not going to help your feelings, is the first step.

From your post it seems to me like you are keeping a lot of this to yourself because you are afraid to add additional stress onto your husband. That is understandable, but I don't think it's necessary. You are a partnership in this life, for better or worse. Your feelings are valid, this is not a situation that affects only him, clearly this has affected you very deeply. Don't wonder if you have a right to your feelings, because you do. I think that you should talk to him if you feel safe enough to do that. It might feel like it would be scary or embarrassing, but think about how you would want him to handle it if this was happening to him and he was engaging in self-harm. I am sure you would hope he trusted you enough to come to you for support, and I think you can trust him for that as well.

If you aren't sure if he will be supportive, is there anyone else in your life you can talk to? Sometimes the outside perspective is all you need to see things more clearly. I can feel the pain you still feel as a result of those people who hurt you, physically and emotionally, when you were young. Right now someone is hurting you again... this time it is you. You are telling yourself that your feelings and emotions don't matter, and you are physically hurting yourself. You may not have all the tools to understand exactly why and how to stop it, but you owe it to the child that you were and the woman you have become now to take steps to protect yourself, from yourself! You are worth protecting, you must believe that. There is no shame in needing help with this, as many many people struggle with this problem. I think it is more common than we think, and we all need help sometimes in remembering to take good care of ourselves. That's why we need each other.

Please don't feel ashamed and embarrassed, you have overcome a lot. The self-harm was just one day and one incident. It doesn't ruin your streak, it is a signal that there is something that you need to take care of. That's all.
Just have to agree whole heartedly with this!

OP hope you're doing ok.
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Old 11-06-2012, 10:40 AM   #7
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Just wanted to say HUGS!
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:40 AM   #8
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Saying a prayer for you! See if you can find someone to talk to about this......... Whether it be your husband, family, friend, co-worker, counselor......... I hope you can get the help you need.
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Old 11-13-2012, 12:01 AM   #9
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Just wanted you to know there's someone else out there that hears you. I hope you're doing better mentally today, but if you're not I hope you've reached out to someone - anyone - who can tell you it's ok, and it will be ok.
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