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Old 10-09-2012, 02:42 PM   #16
Schmeck
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DisneyWitch View Post
I'm in agreement with MMay (previous poster), and I read this as a humorous / satirical piece. Seriously...if this young person jumped into Cinderella's moat, they'd be shuffled out of the World faster than you can say "Dole Whip, please!". And one of the best ways to convey humor in writing is to use hyperbole and outlandish actions which can make the audience see the absurdity of the situation.

Sophomoric or not, I was mostly impressed with the quality of the writing and the style used. It's actually really neat to see a young person who can write...I think that's a lost art nowadays.

Heck, I was beginning to think that anyone under the age of 20 was incapable of writing anything that wasn't text-message-shortened, or Twitterized. And if I see another person writing emails like "R U comng ovr 2nite?" or "I m going to c u 2moro", I will consider that the apocalypse is a-coming! LOL

As far as the subject, remember we're reading the words coming from a 15 year old brain, and their idea of humor and satire. Not shabby for a kid who is younger than some of the clothes in my wardrobe!! I recently read some of my teenage stuff back in the day, and it's pretty goofy too. But kudos to the author for being articulate! More of this please!

For a sophomore in high school, it's about average for writing ability. If it has been posted verbatim, I'd see it getting scored around 75-85, depending on FCA's, at least at the high school I work at.

For entertainment value, it was cheeky, funny, and the writer is definitely a Dis veteran.
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Old 10-09-2012, 02:47 PM   #17
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Looking at this as a junior in high school, I do have a few revisions that could be made.
  • Formatting. Unless it was typed double spaced, there really should be a space between paragraphs. It makes it a lot easier to read than one giant "word wall."
  • Remove all forms of "I" and "you." This is considered a major no-no in formal writing.
  • Those majorly hyphenated words may be better if shortened or removed. For me, I started getting lost around 2/3 of the way through it.
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Old 10-09-2012, 02:55 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by acebatonfan View Post
Looking at this as a junior in high school, I do have a few revisions that could be made.
  • Formatting. Unless it was typed double spaced, there really should be a space between paragraphs. It makes it a lot easier to read than one giant "word wall."
  • Remove all forms of "I" and "you." This is considered a major no-no in formal writing.
  • Those majorly hyphenated words may be better if shortened or removed. For me, I started getting lost around 2/3 of the way through it.
Me too. I'm glad Sara Jayne was able to quote it with actually breaks in the body of the post. It was one huge mass of words, and my eyes were going crazy!
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Old 10-09-2012, 03:01 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by maxiesmom View Post
Me too. I'm glad Sara Jayne was able to quote it with actually breaks in the body of the post. It was one huge mass of words, and my eyes were going crazy!
I went through and put the breaks in. Some may not even be in the right spot.

The English geek in me was going crazy looking at that wall of text.
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Old 10-09-2012, 03:06 PM   #20
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I think the writer should post an updated POV after she has her own children.
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Old 10-09-2012, 04:47 PM   #21
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I understand that it is supposed to be "satire", but she lost me with the poor formatting and the poor attempt to emulate the Declaration.
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Old 10-09-2012, 04:55 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mmay60046

See I kind of assumed that this was a piece of satire.

"Second, when putting up with the people who block your view in a parade or show with their child on their shoulders, I have tried tried to use a water gun and squirt the child until they have slipped off their parents’ shoulders. Sadly, this caused the parents to chase me around the park until I had to dive into the moat of Cinderella’s Castle. Thirdly, instead of having to endure the screams and cries of tired children and their irritable parents who won’t leave, I have tried to dress up as Mickey Mouse and order them to shut up and leave the park. This attempt has only rewarded me with even more flustered children who have now developed a hatred of Mickey, a reaction that even I feel bad to have caused."

I mean do people reading this really believe that she squirts kids on their parents shoulders with a squirt gun? Dodged angry parents by diving into the moat of Cinderella's Castle? Dresses up as Mickey Mouse and orders other guests to shut up and leave the park?

Honestly I read it as a parody of all the people on this message board who constantly whine and complain about what other people do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DisneyWitch
I'm in agreement with MMay (previous poster), and I read this as a humorous / satirical piece. Seriously...if this young person jumped into Cinderella's moat, they'd be shuffled out of the World faster than you can say "Dole Whip, please!". And one of the best ways to convey humor in writing is to use hyperbole and outlandish actions which can make the audience see the absurdity of the situation.

Sophomoric or not, I was mostly impressed with the quality of the writing and the style used. It's actually really neat to see a young person who can write...I think that's a lost art nowadays.

Heck, I was beginning to think that anyone under the age of 20 was incapable of writing anything that wasn't text-message-shortened, or Twitterized. And if I see another person writing emails like "R U comng ovr 2nite?" or "I m going to c u 2moro", I will consider that the apocalypse is a-coming! LOL

As far as the subject, remember we're reading the words coming from a 15 year old brain, and their idea of humor and satire. Not shabby for a kid who is younger than some of the clothes in my wardrobe!! I recently read some of my teenage stuff back in the day, and it's pretty goofy too. But kudos to the author for being articulate! More of this please!

Agree, agree. Loved it, OP.
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Old 10-09-2012, 05:04 PM   #23
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It was OK, a little pretentious sounding, but that could just be because teens in general are kind of self centered and full of themselves.

Solid B work. Good in the sense that it wasn't full of text language, but I think the kid was trying too hard to use complex words and sentence structure. Also, paragraphs are good things to have, it would have made it more enjoyable to read.
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Old 10-09-2012, 05:24 PM   #24
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I loved it! For the record, I think the whole thing was meant to be humorous and light hearted. For those of you saying things about it being pretentious or rude, I think that was all part of the writing. She totally exaggerated her reactions to suit the purpose of the text.

I think that is higher than average for a 15 year old, I was really impressed.
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Old 10-09-2012, 05:28 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meggiebeth View Post
I loved it! For the record, I think the whole thing was meant to be humorous and light hearted. For those of you saying things about it being pretentious or rude, I think that was all part of the writing. She totally exaggerated her reactions to suit the purpose of the text.

I think that is higher than average for a 15 year old, I was really impressed.
Exaggerating is not a higher than average function for a 15 year old, IMO Hyperbole has its place, if used appropriately. Not sure of the assignment, but if it was for a high school class, to judge writing style, content, and development of a thesis, it was not at all of a higher level than most 15 year olds.

But it was cute, and enjoyable to read, once it was chunked.
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Old 10-09-2012, 05:37 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Robo View Post
After that article, maybe they'll let her move on to the Junior Class.




15 years as a Sophomore can get a bit monotonous.





.
~LOL. Oh Robo, you just crack me up.

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Old 10-09-2012, 06:10 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by triron View Post
As we plan our Disney trips for the upcoming months, I thought I would share with you the thoughts of a Disney veteran who is also a 15 year Sophomore in High School. She submitted this article in one of her classes as she told them how she was preparing for our Christmas trip this year.

When dealing with the photo-taking guests, I have tried to simply walk through the photo.

Second, when putting up with the people who block your view in a parade or show with their child on their shoulders, I have tried tried to use a water gun and squirt the child until they have slipped off their parentsí shoulders.

When coveting a spot in front of a certain group of people so I no longer would have to to drag at their pace, I searched for the youngest member of the posse since they usually have the weakest strength. Next, I simply charged through the arms of the person spotted, which sent their arms flailing all over the place, and ran as fast as I could so they never knew what hit them. Iím proud to say that this has been one of the most effective of all my techniques of declaring independence from the people of Disney World, and can also work in a variety of other situations such as school hallways. However, if the person was stronger than you estimated and their hand-locks donít end up splitting at all, itís best to claim that youíre blind and avoid them for the rest of your visit.

Lastly, when solving the repugnant issue of people using strollers as battering rams, I have tried to put up nothing less than a war with these people. To start, I have tried to stare them down with my best evil eye just so they know the importance of their ignorance, then I have proceeded to stick my leg in front of the stroller to trip them and their danger-filled buggy. Unfortunately, the only solution I have encountered from this attempt was skid marks all across my leg, a broken stroller, and a soccer mom boiling with anger.
Not sure how to interpret all these ideas. Being a mom of teens though, I would have made them edit the above for content before it got submitted to school.
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Old 10-09-2012, 06:44 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meggiebeth View Post
I loved it! For the record, I think the whole thing was meant to be humorous and light hearted. For those of you saying things about it being pretentious or rude, I think that was all part of the writing. She totally exaggerated her reactions to suit the purpose of the text.

I think that is higher than average for a 15 year old, I was really impressed.
You are 15 yourself, right?
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:33 PM   #29
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I haven't read the responses, but I wonder if this was a history or English class. It sure sounds like DD doesn't like Disney very much!! Maybe there's somewhere less annoying to her that she'd like to go.
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:37 PM   #30
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What a lot of fun reading this! You must feel great that your daughter has such a great sense of humor.
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