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Old 10-03-2012, 06:18 AM   #1
ebtbmom
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Teen drama, need advice

My kid has become obsessed with a boy at school in a bad way. He dated a girl that DS had always liked, didn't treat her that great, and apparently liked to pick and tease at the girls a lot. The girls don't appear to be upset y it but it enraged DS and he feels he must protect them.

Yesterday one of DS friends spilled a drink and this kid laughed which once again enraged DS though his friend didn't seem to care. He sent a message to one of the girls that if he ever hurt her he would beat his ***! Now that's in writing on her computer and I'm terrified he'll get suspended, he goes to an early college HS and there has never been a fight there and they don't tolerate gossip.

How can I help my kid get a grip? This boy isn't messing with him, it's with his friends. Honestly I feel like because DS has a history of being bullied that he's become hypersensitive to teasing and is probably over reacting to most if what this kid does. He's starting a new therapy program on the 15th to help with anxiety and panic attacks, I will discuss this with her too.
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Old 10-03-2012, 06:31 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by ebtbmom View Post
My kid has become obsessed with a boy at school in a bad way. He dated a girl that DS had always liked, didn't treat her that great, and apparently liked to pick and tease at the girls a lot. The girls don't appear to be upset y it but it enraged DS and he feels he must protect them.

Yesterday one of DS friends spilled a drink and this kid laughed which once again enraged DS though his friend didn't seem to care. He sent a message to one of the girls that if he ever hurt her he would beat his a@@! Now that's in writing on her computer and I'm terrified he'll get suspended, he goes to an early college HS and there has never been a fight there and they don't tolerate gossip.

How can I help my kid get a grip? This boy isn't messing with him, it's with his friends. Honestly I feel like because DS has a history of being bullied that he's become hypersensitive to teasing and is probably over reacting to most if what this kid does. He's starting a new therapy program on the 15th to help with anxiety and panic attacks, I will discuss this with her too.
Discussing it with the therapist is a must. Until then, you have to emphasize to your son that HE controls his future, and success is up to him. Pull out the college brochures or go on a quick campus visit. Try to make his goals seem tangible, so that he'll try harder not to screw up.

It sounds to me like your son is transferring all of his issues onto this other kid. Maybe you can try some relaxation techniques to keep things below a boil.
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Old 10-03-2012, 06:33 AM   #3
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Sounds like your ds is very protective, which can be a good thing, but maybe a bit miss-guided and maybe its mixed with some jealousy.

You don't say how old your ds is, but for a lot of teen boys this sounds pretty normal, especially in the younger teen years.

DD dated a boy that was very protective. Drove her NUTS. As he has gotten a little older, he has grown out of some of it. They are still friends and he still will get mad if she mentions somebody saying something he doesn't like to her, but he quit threatening to beat everybody up.

Younger ds was bullied in jr. high and he got really protective of others that he thought was bullied. It took him a little while but he learned he could stop it with just a few words rather than threats of beating someone up.

Forgot to add: Definitely talk to the therapist. He/she may can help him to redirect his anger or figure out how to protect those that need it without resorting to threats or things that may affect his future.
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Old 10-03-2012, 06:46 AM   #4
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Can you block him from using the computer unless he is supervised?

I know that is radical however it sounds like he is going off the rails for some reason and allowing him free access to mess up his life would not be good.

If he has a smartphone, take it away. Lock down all your computers.

As far as the hypersensitivity to the current situation with the "boy", that is not an easy fix. Good you can get him into see someone to discuss this.

I would do A LOT of "role playing" with him. He needs to learn "canned responses". In addition break out the rule book for this school and go over the consequences of his actions with him.

Hopefully the role playing will allow him to "see" how he is behaving. Remember to "be him" so your son can "see" how he is behaving to an outsider.

Many hugs.
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Old 10-03-2012, 06:49 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by luvsJack View Post
Sounds like your ds is very protective, which can be a good thing, but maybe a bit miss-guided and maybe its mixed with some jealousy.

You don't say how old your ds is, but for a lot of teen boys this sounds pretty normal, especially in the younger teen years.

DD dated a boy that was very protective. Drove her NUTS. As he has gotten a little older, he has grown out of some of it. They are still friends and he still will get mad if she mentions somebody saying something he doesn't like to her, but he quit threatening to beat everybody up.

Younger ds was bullied in jr. high and he got really protective of others that he thought was bullied. It took him a little while but he learned he could stop it with just a few words rather than threats of beating someone up.

Forgot to add: Definitely talk to the therapist. He/she may can help him to redirect his anger or figure out how to protect those that need it without resorting to threats or things that may affect his future.
Sorry, he's 14 and you are describing him to a T! While part of me is proud that he wants to defend people he cares about the other part is scared that he's going to get himself kicked out of this school!

The middle school bullying has definitely left a mark on my poor fellow!

I wrote on a notecard several reasons for him to "let it go" and I've asked him to put it in his pocket and refer to it today if he starts to feel angry. It's the only thing I could think of this morning.
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Old 10-03-2012, 07:29 AM   #6
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I hope he doesn't have a FB account.

Sorry for your son. I feel bad for him as this is his world and he doesn't just see it as a "blip" on the radar screen.

Hopefully an objective third party can help him make decisions that won't have an adverse effects on his schooling. Unfortunately, in situations like this the "good" guy (your son) can turn out looking like the bad guy.

Whoever speaks to him should applaud him for holding his moral ground and taking a strong stance on right and wrong.
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Old 10-03-2012, 07:34 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by ebtbmom View Post
My kid has become obsessed with a boy at school in a bad way. He dated a girl that DS had always liked, didn't treat her that great, and apparently liked to pick and tease at the girls a lot. The girls don't appear to be upset y it but it enraged DS and he feels he must protect them.

Yesterday one of DS friends spilled a drink and this kid laughed which once again enraged DS though his friend didn't seem to care. He sent a message to one of the girls that if he ever hurt her he would beat his a@@!.
Keep in mind, that the picking on an teasing that he is witnessing with the girls can be a form of flirting, especially if it seems like the girls don't mind. Depending upon where your ds stands in the social ranking, teasing by a popular boy is more sought after than a rescue attept by someone "not as cool."

Unless this girl is a good friend, warn him to just stay out of it (because she might actually like the attention from the jerky kid - most young teenaged girls don't realize that the mean football player is actually a loser until college).
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Old 10-03-2012, 07:49 AM   #8
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Honestly, the first thing that came to my mind was... your son is jealous of this other boy, but instead of recognizing and dealing with it appropriately, he is expressing his feelings through acting angry because it is easier for him. Jealousy is always view in a negative way, but anger... your son may see it as a form or righteousness, a tough guy, a person in control.

When you said, "obsessed," you were right. Try to help your son understand that he is giving this other boy way too much power over him if he chooses to react to everything this other student does. Also, work with him to understand, it takes a lot more strength to remain calm and exercise some self-control than it does to lash out angrily.
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:10 AM   #9
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Put a big note taped to his computer to not type anything he couldn't say in front of the principal! Make him verbally say this to you and include "text anything" make him say it every morning as he leaves and every day after school when he gets home.

I agree with a lot of the advice already given but for the immediate future he needs to quit leaving a "paper" trail. Quit putting things in writing.
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:31 AM   #10
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Put a big note taped to his computer to not type anything he couldn't say in front of the principal! Make him verbally say this to you and include "text anything" make him say it every morning as he leaves and every day after school when he gets home.

I agree with a lot of the advice already given but for the immediate future he needs to quit leaving a "paper" trail. Quit putting things in writing.
Yes, I talked to him about this at length but sticking a note on it is a good idea!

I just looked it up and it's a level 2 violation which would mean suspension. There's not much I can do at this point except wait and see if I get a call today, I feel nauseated!

At least when I took him this morning he was saying that he had thought about getting kicked out all night and he is really freaked out about it. I told him good, that he needed to be scared to force him to change the behavior!

I think part of this is jealousy because if the original girl that this kid dated, DS
has held a flame for her for years and she friend zoned him . But Once we ran into a guy at a restaurant that had picked on me in school, used to steal my headbands and break them. To show DS that its not good to hold grudges I told him about it and explained how I'm not still mad and we can chit chat in public. My kid wanted to go after this grown man for picking on me in 3rd grade, he kept asking me to turn the car around! So I guess it's somewhat his nature too.
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:38 AM   #11
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...I told him about it and explained how I'm not still mad and we can chit chat in public. My kid wanted to go after this grown man for picking on me in 3rd grade, he kept asking me to turn the car around! So I guess it's somewhat his nature too.
He better learn to curb that nature! I haven't raised a son so I don't know the phases boys go through, but I work in a middle school so I am around boys of this age all the time. To me it seems out of line that a 14 year old wants to "go after" a grown man for something that happened decades ago, especially as you are no longer mad about anything that happened. I'd mention this to the therapist, too.
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:05 AM   #12
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Sounds like attention seeking behavior. My advice would be to talk with the therapist but also to not tolerate the behavior (don't act like it's cute or sweet or anything positive) and tell him that there will be a punishment if he does something to get in trouble at school (tell him what the punishment will be...for my DS it would be a loss of electronics for a period of time). I know it's frustrating...teen years are the pits. Good luck!
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:25 AM   #13
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Sorry, he's 14 and you are describing him to a T! While part of me is proud that he wants to defend people he cares about the other part is scared that he's going to get himself kicked out of this school!

The middle school bullying has definitely left a mark on my poor fellow!

I wrote on a notecard several reasons for him to "let it go" and I've asked him to put it in his pocket and refer to it today if he starts to feel angry. It's the only thing I could think of this morning.
The notecard sounds like a good idea. DS used to wear a rubber band around his wrist and snap it when he got angry.

With this plus his wanting to go after the man that picked on you in 3rd grade, it sounds like the bullying he experienced is still effecting him. Definitly something you will want the therapist to work on.

Another poster mentioned that the other boy is just flirting with the girls and she is right. Maybe your ds needs some help in recognizing what is picking on or bullying others, and what is just playing/flirting.

Its possible that at some point he defended the girl he likes and got some positive feedback from her so it made him think this was the way girls want him to act. Girls do tend to send all kinds of mixed messages.
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Old 10-05-2012, 10:06 AM   #14
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OP, I was just wonderng if everything worked out ok? I hope your ds didn't get into trouble.

I am all far schools monitoring kids interent usage, but really, I don't think your ds should get in trouble for what he said. Truthfully, it was a bit mild compared to what many will say face to face!!

Hope everything worked out ok!
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