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Old 10-04-2012, 08:08 AM   #31
Pigeon
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I would respect my dh's wishes and not go. It may well be that he feels like the ordeal will be easier without you there. Sometimes with weird family dynamics, that's true.
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Old 10-04-2012, 08:12 AM   #32
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Sounds complicated-i actually like seeing Family members at funerals-Its the only way I see peeps on DH's side-they never had gatherings of the extended family

This is a hard one-good luck in your decision
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Old 10-04-2012, 08:14 AM   #33
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Depends. Does he WANT you to stay home or is he suggesting it would be OK for you to stay home because your daughters will be around? If it was me and I wanted to be there for my neice-yes, she's your neice too!-I'd have another talk with DH and tell him why I wanted to go. It does sound like you want to go. So, if he's asking you to stay home, maybe do that, but it he's saying 'you don't HAVE to go'; do what you want to do.
I agree with this.

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From what you've written -
It sounds to me like your husband is just trying to be a nice guy and spare you all the drama. It does not sound like he is "requesting," (as others have mentioned) that you not attend because he doesn't want you there.

Talk with your husband again.

If he truly doesn't want you there... that's one thing, but if it's more of a, 'It's not fair of me to ask you to deal with my wacky family,' I would go.

I would also talk to him about being there for your niece.
And this.

We have a saying in our family - never miss a wedding or a funeral.
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Old 10-04-2012, 08:15 AM   #34
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With my husband's family I follow his direction. With my family, he follows mine. I have some drama with my family and usually I find it easier to deal with it alone.
I agree with this. Stay home.
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Old 10-04-2012, 08:41 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by shortbun View Post
Depends. Does he WANT you to stay home or is he suggesting it would be OK for you to stay home because your daughters will be around? If it was me and I wanted to be there for my neice-yes, she's your neice too!-I'd have another talk with DH and tell him why I wanted to go. It does sound like you want to go. So, if he's asking you to stay home, maybe do that, but it he's saying 'you don't HAVE to go'; do what you want to do.
I agree. If my DH specifically did not want me to attend, then I would respect his wishes. However, more likely he would say, "The kids need you more than I do." or "You shouldn't waste your time off work for this." In other words, you don't *have* to come.

If he really didn't want me there, I wouldn't go... but I would make him say "I would prefer it if you didn't come" in no uncertain terms.

P.S. I agree with Breezy Carol, too. And my family is similar -- weddings and funerals are obligatory, unless you have a REALLY good excuse, no matter how crazy the deceased or other family members might be.
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Old 10-04-2012, 09:03 AM   #36
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He's doing you a favor. Stay home.
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Old 10-04-2012, 09:10 AM   #37
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Listen to your husband, and stay home.
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Old 10-04-2012, 09:25 AM   #38
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I agree with everyone else so far.

As a woman, I think we sometimes feel compelled to go above and beyond to be 'caring', 'supportive', etc...

In this case. I do not really believe that it is necessary.

Most men are def. not as 'direct' about things like this as your husband seems to have been with you, letting you know that you really should stay home.

I suspect that he has some very real reasons for that.

Let him know that you really want to support him and to go and be there with him. But, if he really insists that he should just go on his own... Give him that.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:20 AM   #39
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Ask one more time then leave it alone. Seems like your worrying about this and not letting it go is causing more of the drama your DH is trying to avoid. His deceased DS didn't want to meet you (for whatever reasons) and DH has asked you to stay home and you haven't seen DN in 7 years. Let sleeping dogs lie and let him deal with his family.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:33 AM   #40
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Thanks for all the responses...

My gut is telling me he doesn't want me there because he knows there will be drama. This in only the 3rd funeral on his side since we married. The 1st was for his step-dad and there was a last minute surprise along with his mom not respecting the other families wishes that made it very uncomfortable.

The next was his Mom's funeral and again drama and a big fight between 2 siblings. We still go to family events, but things are not the same anymore since then.

I know if I don't go, this will be a big deal to his remaining sister and one Sister-in-law. I am already the one on the outs with the 2 of them and this will make it worse. They blame me for us not being as involved as we used to be when it is actually DH's decision. This could be the "final straw" and I don't want that to be because of me.

I will ask DH one more time (funeral is Saturday) and go with what he wants.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:33 AM   #41
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In my husband's family funerals are like family reunions. So when we go it is to mourn the loss of who passed, but also to visit with each other. In your case, I am guessing you don't see his family regularly or socialize with them? I am torn, because normally a SIL should go to pay her respects. But if you don't really know anyone there to visit with (or would care to visit with, anyway), and your husband doesn't want you hanging on his arm the whole time, maybe you shouldn't go? Hard call. It is really up to him, I guess?
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:49 AM   #42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyMom View Post
Thanks for all the responses...

My gut is telling me he doesn't want me there because he knows there will be drama. This in only the 3rd funeral on his side since we married. The 1st was for his step-dad and there was a last minute surprise along with his mom not respecting the other families wishes that made it very uncomfortable.

The next was his Mom's funeral and again drama and a big fight between 2 siblings. We still go to family events, but things are not the same anymore since then.

I know if I don't go, this will be a big deal to his remaining sister and one Sister-in-law. I am already the one on the outs with the 2 of them and this will make it worse. They blame me for us not being as involved as we used to be when it is actually DH's decision. This could be the "final straw" and I don't want that to be because of me.

I will ask DH one more time (funeral is Saturday) and go with what he wants.
So you're more concerned with what his family will think than what he's asking of you? He's a big boy, let him deal with the family drama alone.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:58 AM   #43
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Originally Posted by SleepyMom View Post
Thanks for all the responses...

My gut is telling me he doesn't want me there because he knows there will be drama. This in only the 3rd funeral on his side since we married. The 1st was for his step-dad and there was a last minute surprise along with his mom not respecting the other families wishes that made it very uncomfortable.

Yikes!!! Surprises???

The next was his Mom's funeral and again drama and a big fight between 2 siblings. We still go to family events, but things are not the same anymore since then.

Yikes again!!! Really? Fighting at a funeral?

I know if I don't go, this will be a big deal to his remaining sister and one Sister-in-law. I am already the one on the outs with the 2 of them and this will make it worse. They blame me for us not being as involved as we used to be when it is actually DH's decision. This could be the "final straw" and I don't want that to be because of me.

Blame you for what? Who cares what they think??? Obviously your DH has removed your family from all but essential interactions with these people for a reason. If he is not missing them, neither should you. But if you are that concerned, have DH tell them that you have the flu and are contagious. (that way he can use it as an escape excuse later)

I will ask DH one more time (funeral is Saturday) and go with what he wants.
I would count your blessings and thank your husband for wanting to spare you that Drama. Men catergorize things and deal with things very differently than we do, in this case (without knowing your husband of course) it seems as though he is going out of obligation,not out of grief or emotions. Maybe he doesn't want to have to worry about you dealing with the drama, and just wants an "in and out, quick escape" sorta appearance, without feeling like he has to put on a show for you and everyone else.
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Old 10-04-2012, 12:49 PM   #44
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Thanks for all the responses...


I know if I don't go, this will be a big deal to his remaining sister and one Sister-in-law. I am already the one on the outs with the 2 of them and this will make it worse. They blame me for us not being as involved as we used to be when it is actually DH's decision. This could be the "final straw" and I don't want that to be because of me.

I will ask DH one more time (funeral is Saturday) and go with what he wants.
And this would be a bad thing because?

If my ILs wanted to get their knickers in a twist because I honored my husband's wishes, they would be more than welcome. "The final straw" would give me permission to stop seeing or caring about people I don't like in the first place.
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Old 10-04-2012, 01:17 PM   #45
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I usually give my wife a pass on my family's funerals too. She doesn't have a Sixth Sense (she doesn't like to see dead people).

There is no drama, etc. She just isn't comfortable with people passing on. I don't think since I've known her (she was 18 when we first met) that she has been to a funeral of a family member. I think she's been to a couple of friends' funerals, but that is it.

So, your husband is probably just trying to protect you.

I think that your main goal if you did go was to support your husband, which is what two people do when they get married/make a commitment to each other: support. So, if you really feel you need to go, tell him life stinks sometimes and that's why you both should go to support each other.
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