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Old 09-28-2012, 12:59 PM   #121
princessbride6205
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I was going to suggest FMLA (the federal law that requires employers to hold your job for 12 weeks while you tend to a family medical issue) - but you have to have worked at your company for a year to be eligible. However, I see that CA actually has 6 weeks of paid family leave or disability benefits for pregnancy/new moms. Do you think your job would give you some time off now, possibly unpaid, and then the 6 weeks after the baby is born? You could stay with your parents for the next few months while everything is getting figured out. You could see if there are employment opportunities in that area of Canada while you are there. And then you'd have more of a time frame to make a real decision about staying in Canada or returning to your life in CA.

I understand the job being important to you. I am in a field that I don't want to give up, but I've had a very hard time finding another job (currently employed, but no raises in 3 years!). We are the same age, so I get having worked hard to get to a place you like in your industry. But I will also tell you that having my mom live with us the first 3 weeks after DD was born was the best thing ever! Consider the importance of family.

It sounds like despite this complete upheaval of your life, you are taking control and taking care of yourself. It's great that you've been focusing on eating and taking walks. You've made appointments for the doctor and the attorney. You've vented to some friendly folks here on the DIS. You are so strong and capable.

I know it's hard to think, "What does this girl have that I don't? How could he prefer her? And what does that say about me?" This girl is shiny, but she's broken. His choice of her says absolutely nothing about you. It is only evidence of his own character. You are awesome, no matter what crazy things he does or says.

I wish you all good things and hope you'll update us. Please give yourself a hug!
(And if you'd like an anonymous friend to chat with, I'm happy to volunteer - PM me)
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Old 09-28-2012, 01:34 PM   #122
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That sucks, I feel for you as I know a little about what you are going through(via my parents). I, too, will offer no advice.
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Old 09-28-2012, 01:38 PM   #123
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I don't have a lot of offer in terms of practical advice that hasn't already been shared.

What I did want to say is that you are not alone. There is NOTHING wrong with you. This happens to a lot of people. Including me. There is nothing about you or anything you did that makes this ok. HE is the problem. He has issues.

Looking back, my ex's 1st affair was when I was pregnant. I found out when DD was 5 months old. He swore it was only emotional and they had only been talking for 3 months. He begged to stay. Wanted to work it out.

Fast forward 18 months, a layoff and 2000 mile move. He did it again. This time it wasn't just emotional.

I wasted 3 years trying to hold onto a marriage that I should have let go when my DD was 5 months old.

Now. 2 years later. I am happier than I had been in my marriage. I'm single, a single mom and that is ok. My kids are doing well. My 11 year old DS struggles some but he was far older. My DD shows no real ill affects.

My ex has a very limited roll in their life and frankly it is easier that way.

You will be ok.
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Old 09-28-2012, 02:12 PM   #124
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OP, I am sending hugs and love to you and your baby. You are doing an amazing job staying strong and healthy for your baby!! Keep staying strong!! You will be in my prayers........
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Old 09-28-2012, 02:42 PM   #125
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Originally Posted by princessbride6205 View Post
I understand the job being important to you. I am in a field that I don't want to give up, but I've had a very hard time finding another job (currently employed, but no raises in 3 years!). We are the same age, so I get having worked hard to get to a place you like in your industry. But I will also tell you that having my mom live with us the first 3 weeks after DD was born was the best thing ever! Consider the importance of family.

I totally get and empathize with the OP and what you said. I, too have worked long & hard to get my career to where it's at and would hate to lose what I've established. But, as Disney Doll says below, having to build up a career again or even find a new job is TEMPORARY to long term, compared to dealing with a man who will force custody issues over and over for 18 years to a lifetime.

In my opinion, the OP can't put job over where that baby is born. She can always give birth to the baby in Canada to ensure it's a Canadian citizen and come back. I'd be willing to get a job at 7-11 and lose all my career building steps, if it meant securing my baby's future and insuring he father & MIL can't get their claws on him, more than legally/internationally allowed.

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If the attorney tells you that no matter what, he will still be the baby's "legal" father, then try and get him to sign away his parental rights. The pittance you'd probably get for child support isn't going to be worth it to have to deal with this mess of a man for the rest of your life.

Every person I have ever known who found out that they had a bad man after the fact has said, to a person, that rather than fighting for child support and thus giving him rights and leverage, they wished they had allowed him to terminate parental rights when he asked when the baby was first born.
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Old 09-28-2012, 02:48 PM   #126
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you have gotten some great advice and i really can't add anything to what has already been shared. just focus on yourself and your son. you will get through this!
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Old 09-28-2012, 02:58 PM   #127
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Just my two cents and its for you and your babys interest....collect all evidence of the affair you can, get a lawyer and get out! He is a selfish jerk and you and your baby deserve better. Go home to Mom and Dad and start over. I am so sorry this has happened to you. My prayers are with you.


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Old 09-28-2012, 03:22 PM   #128
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If you do decide to go back to Canada you need to do it before your last month of pregnancy, many airlines restrict travel the last couple of weeks and you may not be able to get back if you wait too long. Hate to put more pressure on you but if you are going to do it, it needs to be in the next few weeks.

Stay in the US or go back to Canada, regardless you need to get copies of all financial documents and check credit reports on BOTH of you, then put a freeze on your own credit with the credit reporting agencies. You need to make sure your DuH hasn't opened any secret accounts in your name, or run up accounts in his own name. All assets and debt are split 50/50 in CA so you should know ahead of time what you're in for. And freezing your credit will prevent him from opening new lines in your name in the future. If you stay and have your child here, once he has his own SSN make sure you freeze your son's credit too, douche-bag parents have been known to hide debt under their childrens names!

Do not make the mistake of trying to keep the house. If you can't afford it on one income, sell it and find a cheap(er) place to rent. Many women have killed their financial prospects by trying to keep the house.

Child support depends on the incomes of each parent and how much time the child spends with each parent. If you both make about the same and both have custody 50% of the time, no child support would be awarded to either party. If one makes a ton more than the other, and/or one parent has the marjority of physical custody, then it will be based on that. If you are awarded CS I would assume he'd still have to pay you if you move to Canada since it would be handled by the CA courts but you'd need to speak to a lawyer about that.

Your MIL has no standing to fight for custody or for you to stay in the US but she might try to guilt trip your DuH into fighting you on her behalf.

I would do my best to have the baby in Canada, it gives you the most options if DuH or MIL (thru DuH) fights for custody. If you have LO here and then decide to move back, it makes it 1000 times more dificult.
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Old 09-28-2012, 03:30 PM   #129
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Originally Posted by bettymae1121 View Post
If you do decide to go back to Canada you need to do it before your last month of pregnancy, many airlines restrict travel the last couple of weeks and you may not be able to get back if you wait too long. Hate to put more pressure on you but if you are going to do it, it needs to be in the next few weeks.

Stay in the US or go back to Canada, regardless you need to get copies of all financial documents and check credit reports on BOTH of you, then put a freeze on your own credit with the credit reporting agencies. You need to make sure your DuH hasn't opened any secret accounts in your name, or run up accounts in his own name. All assets and debt are split 50/50 in CA so you should know ahead of time what you're in for. And freezing your credit will prevent him from opening new lines in your name in the future. If you stay and have your child here, once he has his own SSN make sure you freeze your son's credit too, douche-bag parents have been known to hide debt under their childrens names!

Do not make the mistake of trying to keep the house. If you can't afford it on one income, sell it and find a cheap(er) place to rent. Many women have killed their financial prospects by trying to keep the house.

Child support depends on the incomes of each parent and how much time the child spends with each parent. If you both make about the same and both have custody 50% of the time, no child support would be awarded to either party. If one makes a ton more than the other, and/or one parent has the marjority of physical custody, then it will be based on that. If you are awarded CS I would assume he'd still have to pay you if you move to Canada since it would be handled by the CA courts but you'd need to speak to a lawyer about that.

Your MIL has no standing to fight for custody or for you to stay in the US but she might try to guilt trip your DuH into fighting you on her behalf.

I would do my best to have the baby in Canada, it gives you the most options if DuH or MIL (thru DuH) fights for custody. If you have LO here and then decide to move back, it makes it 1000 times more dificult.
DuH lol
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:43 PM   #130
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OP, first of all, hugs. Second of all, I disagree with almost everyone else on this thread. Take a breath and don't make any rash decisions. Don't quit your job and move to another country right away. Take it slow. Ask your husband to move out. Consider counseling. Really think through your options. Also think about your baby boy. Although your husband says he doesn't want a baby now, he may change his mind when the baby arrives. Is it fair to your child to allow him to grow up without a father? If your husband sues for custody and visitation, are you prepared to put your baby on a plane and not see him for a couple months at a time?

The easiest thing to do is pack your bags and leave, but things may change. My SIL's husband cheated on her while she was pregnant. He moved out. Within a few months he realized it was the worst mistake of his life. After counseling, she agreed to take him back. Ten years later they are one of the happiest couples I know and their family is awesome. My husband, on the other hand, is divorced. His kids are adults now but grew up across the country. We only saw them on holidays and in the summer. I know it was hard on their mother when she didn't see them for the summer and hard on us when we didn't see them the school year.

You have a baby with this man. Make it work for him. Even if it is only co-parenting in the same town, your son deserves a father! If your husband decides he doesn't want to do that, move then. Parenting long distance with someone is a nightmare. You may no longer want to be married to him, but you will always be a parent with him.
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Old 09-28-2012, 05:41 PM   #131
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imzadi

I totally get and empathize with the OP and what you said. I, too have worked long & hard to get my career to where it's at and would hate to lose what I've established. But, as Disney Doll says below, having to build up a career again or even find a new job is TEMPORARY to long term, compared to dealing with a man who will force custody issues over and over for 18 years to a lifetime.

In my opinion, the OP can't put job over where that baby is born. She can always give birth to the baby in Canada to ensure it's a Canadian citizen and come back. I'd be willing to get a job at 7-11 and lose all my career building steps, if it meant securing my baby's future and insuring he father & MIL can't get their claws on him, more than legally/internationally allowed.
I'm pretty sure if the OP is a Canadian citizen, her child even if born in the US can have dual citizenship. I oddly had this conversation with someone at work last week.

Thinking and praying for strength for you, OP!!!
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Old 09-28-2012, 05:52 PM   #132
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Do you have friends around you in CA? In your hometown? Connect with your friends sooner than later. Let them know what is going on. Do not be embarassed. This is HIS mistake. Not yours. You did nothing wrong.

Call your parents ASAP. I agree with the others. Tell your father first. Our Dads want to protect us. You need your parents at a time like this.

Do not worry about your job. Right now the focus needs to be on your health (physically and mentally) and the health of your baby. Money can be worked out later, but I would suggest you take at least 1/2 of what you have in the bank and put it in an account of your own. Your Dh sounds like he is going to do whatever this young girl tells him to. I have a feeling if she tells him to take all of the money out, he will.

If this were me, I would want my mom, dad or both come down until the baby is born. You call could live in the house you own with Dh or get an apartment for now.

I can understand still loving your Dh, hoping that he is going to change his mind and become the man you want him to be. It does not sound like that is going to happen. You deserve to be loved by a faithful family man. That man is not your husband.
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Old 09-28-2012, 06:02 PM   #133
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OP, first of all, hugs. Second of all, I disagree with almost everyone else on this thread. Take a breath and don't make any rash decisions. Don't quit your job and move to another country right away. Take it slow. Ask your husband to move out. Consider counseling. Really think through your options. Also think about your baby boy. Although your husband says he doesn't want a baby now, he may change his mind when the baby arrives. Is it fair to your child to allow him to grow up without a father? If your husband sues for custody and visitation, are you prepared to put your baby on a plane and not see him for a couple months at a time?

The easiest thing to do is pack your bags and leave, but things may change. My SIL's husband cheated on her while she was pregnant. He moved out. Within a few months he realized it was the worst mistake of his life. After counseling, she agreed to take him back. Ten years later they are one of the happiest couples I know and their family is awesome. My husband, on the other hand, is divorced. His kids are adults now but grew up across the country. We only saw them on holidays and in the summer. I know it was hard on their mother when she didn't see them for the summer and hard on us when we didn't see them the school year.

You have a baby with this man. Make it work for him. Even if it is only co-parenting in the same town, your son deserves a father! If your husband decides he doesn't want to do that, move then. Parenting long distance with someone is a nightmare. You may no longer want to be married to him, but you will always be a parent with him.
I could not disagree more with everything you've said.

The girl he is sleeping with has shown herself to be unstable and a danger to the OP AND her baby. She needs to make herself and the baby her number one priority, not some piece of **** loser who can't keep it in his pants.
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Old 09-28-2012, 06:50 PM   #134
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Originally Posted by bunny View Post
OP, first of all, hugs. Second of all, I disagree with almost everyone else on this thread. Take a breath and don't make any rash decisions. Don't quit your job and move to another country right away. Take it slow. Ask your husband to move out. Consider counseling. Really think through your options. Also think about your baby boy. Although your husband says he doesn't want a baby now, he may change his mind when the baby arrives. Is it fair to your child to allow him to grow up without a father? If your husband sues for custody and visitation, are you prepared to put your baby on a plane and not see him for a couple months at a time?

The easiest thing to do is pack your bags and leave, but things may change. My SIL's husband cheated on her while she was pregnant. He moved out. Within a few months he realized it was the worst mistake of his life. After counseling, she agreed to take him back. Ten years later they are one of the happiest couples I know and their family is awesome. My husband, on the other hand, is divorced. His kids are adults now but grew up across the country. We only saw them on holidays and in the summer. I know it was hard on their mother when she didn't see them for the summer and hard on us when we didn't see them the school year.

You have a baby with this man. Make it work for him. Even if it is only co-parenting in the same town, your son deserves a father! If your husband decides he doesn't want to do that, move then. Parenting long distance with someone is a nightmare. You may no longer want to be married to him, but you will always be a parent with him.
I too disagree, of course every case is different, and congrats to your SIL and her husband...

The OP does not have to "make it work". What her son deserves is a HAPPY home environment, whether that be with a single mom surrounded by loving grandparents, friends and family or an eventual "step father" who loves him as his own. Her son DESERVES a mom who is healthy, happy, and self assured that she does not have to subject her son to any thing that could possibly come from a man who admitted repeatedly and emphatically that he did not want this child. Sure, people have doubts about thier parenting abilities, and thier qualifications, but to openly say, "I do not want this child" takes a whole other kind of beast, one that does not DESERVE to be in this child's life.

A bad father is not a good subtitute for no father.
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Old 09-28-2012, 06:54 PM   #135
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I too disagree, of course every case is different, and congrats to your SIL and her husband...

The OP does not have to "make it work". What her son deserves is a HAPPY home environment, whether that be with a single mom surrounded by loving grandparents, friends and family or an eventual "step father" who loves him as his own. Her son DESERVES a mom who is healthy, happy, and self assured that she does not have to subject her son to any thing that could possibly come from a man who admitted repeatedly and emphatically that he did not want this child. Sure, people have doubts about thier parenting abilities, and thier qualifications, but to openly say, "I do not want this child" takes a whole other kind of beast, one that does not DESERVE to be in this child's life.

A bad father is not a good subtitute for no father.
i agree!!! my DH really had no interest in our having a third baby. but once I was pregnant with that third baby, he was elated! he never once said that he didn't want our baby.

i cannot imagine trying to "make it work" with someone who has repeatedly said he does not want the baby and does not want to be a father. for that child, growing up in a home with a loving, single mom is SO much more valuable then growing up with parents who are just trying to "make it work," especially when the husband here has so much animosity towards the OP and the baby.
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