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Old 09-28-2012, 06:41 AM   #106
gottaluvPluto
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Op, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You and your baby deserve more then this so called man is giving you. You really need to call your parents and talk to them. They know you and will help you through this difficult time.

I would pack up and move to Canada with your parents until you get on your feet. This girl he had an affair with is something you should worry about. I have seen some crazy other women (my work) and she could cause you more stress that you don't need. It will be very difficult to leave, but once you are gone, you should feel some relief.

I have three daughters and I would want them to call me. I would want to be there for them and I would be upset if they didn't call. So, please call and talk to your parents.

Remember, you didn't fail this marriage. It's not your fault and you deserve someone to love you and your son.
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Old 09-28-2012, 08:06 AM   #107
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Originally Posted by RIDISNEYLOVERS View Post
I have been through something very similar...I had 2 children (I was still nursing my youngest when my husband had an affair)...

Here is what I would suggest you do...

Above all else PRAY...God WILL get you through this, I guarantee it!!

1. Get your finances in order...if you are both on an account CLOSE the account and put it in your name ONLY!! (This is what I did) Change all passwords!! Contact your credit card companies and get your name taken off all joint cards and open new ones in your name ONLY!!

2. Tell your parents (and his too, if they will listen and believe you). They are your support system and will take you in with open arms no matter what their retirement dreams are. I know this because I live with my retired parents who are living their retirement dreams and travel a lot. You will have a roof over your head, a bed to sleep in, food on your table and housing bills being paid while you go through this aweful...that way you won't have to think while you are so distressed!!

3. Get all your belongings together...anything that is important to you!!

4. BEFORE you contact an attorney...make sure you have a family member or close friend that you can have be your ears and really listen to what attorney's are saying...bring them with you each and EVERY time you see the attorney. DO NOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT you confidante's approval!! When you are in this state of distress sometimes you don't listen and think clearly and that is a very bad mistake (I know, I have been there). Really think about what you are agreeing to BEFORE you sign anything. Really ponder this stuff and make sure it is what YOU want!!

5. Keep track of EVERYTHING...all calls, texts, emails, when he is home and when he is not home, when he leaves the house and when he comes back home...jot down the times for these things!! Keep a journal.

These are the things you have to do NOW!!

Take care of yourself...you have a baby that needs you...remember to breathe. You can do this and you will be better off than you are now!!
This is good advice.

About the only change I would make is that I would not be telling his parents anything. Blood is thicker than water and what they know, he will know. I know they are lovely people, excited about the baby etc. but right now, you can't worry about them or their feelings. Their son is who screwed up and they will have to deal with that in their own way with him.

Start right now getting anything out of the house that has any value (sentimental or otherwise) to you. Store it at a friend's house, ship it to your parents, do what you have to do to get it out of the house.

When you leave, don't leave the cats. Even if you have to bring them to a no-kill shelter for re-homing, that is better than leaving them with this terrible man and his crazy girlfriend...there's no telling what either one of them might do to cats that they consider to be "yours". Hopefully Moom & Dad will want you and the cats.

I know this seems terrible right now but you will get through it. Take one day at a time. If the attorney tells you that no matter what, he will still be the baby's "legal" father, then try and get him to sign away his parental rights. The pittance you'd probably get for child support isn't going to be worth it to have to deal with this mess of a man for the rest of your life.

Every person I have ever known who found out that they had a bad man after the fact has said, to a person, that rather than fighting for child support and thus giving him rights and leverage, they wished they had allowed him to terminate parental rights when he asked when the baby was first born.
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Old 09-28-2012, 08:11 AM   #108
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First of all I am SOOOO sorry for what you are going through. I went through the awful affair/moving out and I had 3 kids and had been a SAHM for almost 16 years when he came home and moved out.

There have been some amazing suggestions on here. I will say get yourself a divorce attorney that also has some experience in international divorce as well so that you know that you are covered if you do decide to leave and go to Canada.

Get yourself to a therapist as soon as possible just because divorce/affairs are such an emotionally draining experience and having a qualified professional to be there for you and help you through the issues you are going through now and will go through until you figure out your next move is crucial. My ex left me on a Thursday and I was in a therapists office on Monday. Best move I ever made. It really helped me process what I was feeling so that I could continue to go forward with a clear head.

CALL YOUR PARENTS!!!!! Don't wait another minute...call them!!! You NEED support! You deserve support and I'm sure your parents will be what you need in that department. They can put their new "life" on hold for a bit to help you get through this. When my ex came home to tell me he was moving out I went outside and called my parents while he was packing his stuff to get out. My parents arrived 15 minutes after he left and they were a godsend to me and have been and continue to be amazing in their support of me. I too was the only person in my family to be divorced and while I hate the stigma my parents especially and SOME of my family have been amazing.

I will go against some and say no way would I call his parents!!! I feel it's a really bad idea. If you leave they can take all the baby stuff back but I really don't think I would get involved with his parents. It could potentially bite you in the butt later down the road and I'm not sure you need that.

Good for you going in to see your doctor. That's a wise move. I think I was more afraid to go get tested than anything just because you never know.

I would suggest getting your financial house in order but I wouldn't liquidate anything until you speak to an attorney. Mine advised me to not leave the house, not liquidate assets and to only take a bit of the cash from the accounts but to go to the bank and get a dated printout of what was in the account. That way if he did take it all he'd have to prove to a judge why he emptied the account and that there was money in there at one point.

As for getting 1/2...just because you are entitled to it doesn't mean you'll get it. My attorney told me to plan on getting very little and if I did get what I was entitled to then consider myself lucky. Thankfully my ex was VERY fair with me and never tried to screw me out of anything I was entitled to but then we had 3 kids together, a 19 year marriage (mostly built on lies) and a weird mutual adult respect of each other.

Last of all take care of yourself and that precious baby. Make sure you eat even if you don't feel like it. I lost 25 lbs when my husband walked out the door because I could NOT eat. It's important for you to eat and take care of yourself and that baby.

This time sucks rocks...but it IS survivable. Turn to your family, friends,church, work friends whatever but get a good support system for yourself.

Seriously don't put off calling your parents. Do it NOW!!! You NEED them!! I know you probably don't think you do but honestly you DO!!!!!

Hang in there!! It's going to be a rough yucky road but it will eventually end. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel!!!

The website mentioned earlier www.survivinginfidelity.com is a great tool!! I relied on them a lot when my ex left. One more thing.....this was posted on that site and I feel every person going through this with a cheating spouse should read it and really think about what it says because in my opinion truer words were never spoken!!!

Honey they always affair down......
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/f...asp?tid=326449

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with another SIer and a couple of the things we talked about are recurring topics Ė especially for the newly betrayed wife. After DDay, we take such a hit to our self-esteem, and question what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to our husbands? Why did they get the best parts, when we were left with the worst? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not more attractive. She does not get the best parts.

Whatís is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH (wayward husband), wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is Ö they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner Ė itís just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. Whatís inside, is no match for you. Youíre beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer.

She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but thatís okay with her. Sheís accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value Ö her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack Ė and itís at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, itís just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired.

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack Ė even weaker and more injured than when he found her. Sheís worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.

Retake your position at the front of the pack. More often than not, itís you heís fighting for; it's you he's sorry for; itís you heís trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.

Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down.

Power and peace to all of the newly betrayed wives today.

Hang in there...it WILL get better!!!! I promise!
This might be the best post I have ever read.
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Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child.
Stop telling your God how big the storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is.
It's time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it!
Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
There's no pill that cures stupid.
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart.
You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
~~In loving memory of Teddy~~1994-2007~~
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:32 AM   #109
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OP, many hugs for you! As others have posted, your dh and his problems are not in anyway reflective of you. He is hoping you will take the guilt and make it all your fault. Don't give him that satisfaction. Right now, things are great with the other girl because quite frankly, they see each other in person for any length of time 3xs in a year. He sees you everyday. So he has made up this fantasy in his head and boy will it be bad in a few months, when you are divorcing and the other girl wants him full time. I don't give it 6 months if she is a lunatic and/or has some mental health issues. But again, those will be his problems not yours.

As for everything else. I would definitely consult a lawyer, especially since you are dealing with two different countries. I would definitely call your parents for support. I would be upset if my dd's did not call me and at least tell me that things are not working out. I guess you could avoid telling some of the details, but why. Its his cross to bear.

You and your little guy deserve so much more than this. There is a saying out there 'when someone shows you who they really are, believe them'. I find that this is true in many situations. He basically has said he wants his cake and eat it too, or wants to try to anyway. Its much more fun to deal with the gf 3xs and year with his wife's knowledge and still not be held accountible for it. Let her have him. My guess is that misery loves company and from your description, there will be no need for revenge, karma will take care of things and relatively quickly.

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Old 09-28-2012, 09:45 AM   #110
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OP, I'm sorry to hear your story. I just wanted to add, you indicated that "unstable girl" is a daughter of friends (of your husband? both of you?). Regardless, I was wondering if anyone has contacted them about the situation. Certainly, their daughter (at 19) is a grown woman who can make her own choices, however, if my parents had heard when I was that age that I was sleeping with one of their married friends who was 10 years my senior, they would likely have taken action of some sort. Sure, you might lose a friendship, but I think that's the least of your worries at this point. At least they might be able to curb the nasty texting.
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:50 AM   #111
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PLEASE call your parents ASAP! I have 2 daughters, one not much younger than you and it would absolutely break my heart to know my child was enduring such utter heartache and despair alone. You need their arms to fall into ..

What a morally bankrupt human being your husband is. The sooner you are well rid of him and this dangerous girl in his life the better. They sound a perfect match actually.

See a lawyer, be guided by them and go home while you are still allowed to fly home! You need to both be safe ..

Bless your poor broken heart and your sweet baby boy ..may your life turn around from here to bring you peace and unlimited joy.
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:54 AM   #112
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I haven't read the whole thread. I'm sure you've gotten great advice but I want to put this thought in your head - you need to go home to Mom and Dad because you need your baby to be a Canadian citizen. The healthcare, the social benefits if needed, yes. But also, do you want your baby to be raised, even part-time, by a father who doesn't want him, and the crazy child he decided to poke? It will make it much, much more difficult for your husband to take him legally if the baby is a Canadian. And if you don't need the support money from this man, cut all legal ties if possible - get him to give up his parental rights so you really never have to deal with him again, and your baby is safe in a country where he has family and a safety net that will take care of him. With your love, and possibly a decent father figure down the road if you meet someone you can place your trust in, your baby will thrive much better than if he has to deal with his father's and his chippy's poison in his life.
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:56 AM   #113
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This has to be the ****tiest affair thread I have ever read on the DIS. I'm so sorry OP.

Besides your job, do you have anything else in CA you would like to stay for? Friendships, etc. I just hate seeing you have to give up your whole life and moving back to your parents because of this craptastic *******. I'm so glad you are seeing a lawyer. You'll be able to formulate a good plan after that. HUGS
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:59 AM   #114
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No advice to give, but as a dad and grandad, if my daughter was in the same situation, I'd want her home, and the nursery would be ready by the weekend(blue for a boy). Good luck.
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:09 AM   #115
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If you have been living out of Canada and the province where your family is for more than 6 months, there will be a waiting period before you will be able to take advantage of provincial health coverage. It varies by province. Research it before you just go. You may be paying out of pocket otherwise.
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:29 AM   #116
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Please take care of yourself and the health of your unborn baby at this difficult time.

I hope I can explain this -

Not speaking about emotionally here, just physically, financially, etc...

Although your husband says he wants out, which may make it seem like it will be easy to "get out" of this relationship, trust me... your husband is likely to lash out even more towards you, making it even more difficult for you.

Your husband knows what he has done, is doing, is wrong. When family and friends start finding out, and he feels like he is being made to look like the bad guy, (he is the bad guy, he knows this but won't want others to see him as the bad guy) he will feel even more guilty. Because the guilt will make him feel bad about himself, he will turn that as... YOU are making him feel bad, YOU are the cause... if it weren't for YOU, he wouldn't feel like this. So, he will direct even more anger towards YOU.

While it now seems like you can take your belongings, split the rest, and make a move, the reality will likely be he'll feel he rightfully deserves all the money, most of the marital property/belongings, etc. He may also seek custody and or visitation just to keep up appearances for his family and friends. (Honestly, he isn't going to admit his wrongdoings to his family and friends, so they are going to be advising him on how to go about making sure HIS interest and rights are treated fairly.)

I know it's hard to deal with this right now while you are so emotional, but please PROTECT your interest. Follow some of the good advice already listed in this thread... get a separate bank account, seek a good lawyer, etc.

Move back home, for now. It doesn't have to be forever but right now you need to be with people who love and care about you and will protect you, your baby and your interest.
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:31 AM   #117
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No advice to give, but as a dad and grandad, if my daughter was in the same situation, I'd want her home, and the nursery would be ready by the weekend(blue for a boy). Good luck.
Awe, sweet.
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:26 AM   #118
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I haven't read the entire thread. But I am a single mom 24/7, and it's the greatest part of my life.

Call your parents. If you were to move back there, even in with them, you will not necessarily put a damper on their retirement enjoyment. They can still travel, do whatever. You will only enhance their lives by giving them something to look forward to come home to. As for you, it is NOT that hard to raise a child on your own.

Sounds like you've been handed a blessing, because he was not going to be the father your child deserves. Thank him for admitting that before you had to make that decision on your own.

Good luck. As a parent, I can tell your parent will be hurt if you try not to tell them this.
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:31 AM   #119
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DH did call about an hour ago and asked me to pack a bag for him for the night so he could stay elsewhere. I packed a small bag for him with essentials, if he wants more than that he'll have to get it himself, I can't be lifting suitcases around. To be honest, I'm relieved - I want the place to myself for the night to try to figure out what to do. I put his bag by the front door, so I'm hoping I won't have to see him get it.

I'm going to call an attorney tomorrow morning too - I know of a very good divorce attorney who will at least meet with me and tell me where I stand for free. I hadn't considered how long it would take for a divorce to go through but I guess we could see if we file now, if I would still be on his insurance by the time the baby comes. My job offers insurance after a year working there, and I only started at this particular location in February.

I would be really sad to leave here. We have a two cats I adore, and DH doesn't do anything to take care of them, so I'd be worried about leaving them. I guess if I left for good I could look at bringing them with me at some point. I love where I grew up in Canada and I love my family to bits, but I worked SO hard to get to where I am and I always wanted to live here.

I promise I am trying to take care of myself for my baby - to be honest, I'm pretty much functioning for him now. If I wasn't pregnant, chances are I'd still be in bed today at the end of a bottle of wine, but I made myself eat healthily (with a little extra chocolate) and go for a walk. I really hope the stress isn't affecting him and he's ok in there.
Changing one thing in my advice: Call your parents NOW. Ask them to come. Trust me, they will be out here with you on the next flight. Really. Call them.
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:46 AM   #120
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If you have been living out of Canada and the province where your family is for more than 6 months, there will be a waiting period before you will be able to take advantage of provincial health coverage. It varies by province. Research it before you just go. You may be paying out of pocket otherwise.
Yes, Please check. I think the rules vary for pregnancy. You may be covered immediately.
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