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Old 09-27-2012, 09:02 PM   #91
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I am not exaggerating. I would pack a suitcase and be on a plane to Canada tomorrow. I could not sleep next to that man, or be in the same home for one more day. He also sounds somewhat unstable and violence against pregnant women is not unheard of unfortunately.

I would make a new and happy life for my son, with my family that would love him and look out for us.

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Old 09-27-2012, 09:06 PM   #92
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...but can I just say that once you get all the immediate details worked it, you've got a wonderful future ahead of you. Your only 29 (young)...and have a beautiful baby on the way....and parents who are able to provide you with some emotional support. They may seem like hurdles---but child care, a job, and eventually your own place (and eventually new relationships) are all things that women deal with every day--you'll put this all together and move forward just fine.

Put you husband in your past and head into the future---new baby, new country, new identity as a "mom"---it's all there for the taking! Pretty exciting in some ways!
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:19 PM   #93
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Does the company you work for offer an employee assistance plan (EAP)? If so, call them. It is one of the most under estimated benefits out there....they can help with temporary housing, legal referrals, if you relocate- new doctor/move medical records etc.

Good luck....
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:20 PM   #94
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First, I want to send you a big HUG!!! I am so sorry you are going through this. You already got so much good advice. I just want to offer you words of strength.

You will be fine. In fact, in time, you will see how much better off you are without him. Women are VERY strong. Believe in yourself!!! You can do this!!! It sucks, it hurts and you are mad... Embrace your feelings, it is normal. Counseling is a good thing. Seek out the help of friends and family when needed. Most importantly, please take care of yourself and your precious baby.

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Old 09-27-2012, 09:27 PM   #95
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I have been through something very similar...I had 2 children (I was still nursing my youngest when my husband had an affair)...

Here is what I would suggest you do...

Above all else PRAY...God WILL get you through this, I guarantee it!!

1. Get your finances in order...if you are both on an account CLOSE the account and put it in your name ONLY!! (This is what I did) Change all passwords!! Contact your credit card companies and get your name taken off all joint cards and open new ones in your name ONLY!!

2. Tell your parents (and his too, if they will listen and believe you). They are your support system and will take you in with open arms no matter what their retirement dreams are. I know this because I live with my retired parents who are living their retirement dreams and travel a lot. You will have a roof over your head, a bed to sleep in, food on your table and housing bills being paid while you go through this aweful...that way you won't have to think while you are so distressed!!

3. Get all your belongings together...anything that is important to you!!

4. BEFORE you contact an attorney...make sure you have a family member or close friend that you can have be your ears and really listen to what attorney's are saying...bring them with you each and EVERY time you see the attorney. DO NOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT you confidante's approval!! When you are in this state of distress sometimes you don't listen and think clearly and that is a very bad mistake (I know, I have been there). Really think about what you are agreeing to BEFORE you sign anything. Really ponder this stuff and make sure it is what YOU want!!

5. Keep track of EVERYTHING...all calls, texts, emails, when he is home and when he is not home, when he leaves the house and when he comes back home...jot down the times for these things!! Keep a journal.

These are the things you have to do NOW!!

Take care of yourself...you have a baby that needs you...remember to breathe. You can do this and you will be better off than you are now!!
Old 09-27-2012, 09:28 PM   #96
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I'm so sorry you are going through this right now, OP. Definitely consider you and your baby first.

One thing to note, though. You need to ask your lawyer about legal rights of your husband to the baby. Many here have advised to not put his name on the birth certificate. At least in Illinois, this won't help if you are married at the time of the birth. I assume most states will be the same. There is a loophole that when a woman is married, the spouse becomes the legal father of the child regardless (even if he is not the bio. father- go figure that!) So you won't be doing anything by not putting his name on the birth certificate. You may want to explore the option of him signing over the rights to the child now to cut the tie free and clear. I don't know if there is a legal way to sign over rights before the child is born, though, so that would be something to ask the lawyer. If he does that, keep in mind you will not be eligible for child support from him. The flip side of that on a positive is he has no rights and therefore can't cause trouble down the road.

Good luck to you, OP. I am saying a prayer for you and your baby right now! (Don't forget God in this...He will help you!) Please keep us posted!
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:34 PM   #97
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If you were my daughter I would want you to come home asap. Everything else can be worked out later but you need to be with the people who love you unconditionally and that is your parents. They can help you with what you will need to do every step of the way, and they will be there for you when you need them. Please pick the phone up and call them now.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Just know that you have so much more in life to look forward to. You and your sweet son deserve someone who will love you and who will be there for you. You will have this, but this loser is not the one.
Carla DH DD 21 DD 16 DS 13
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:49 PM   #98
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Originally Posted by TRK0011 View Post
I just wanted to say thank you again for the advice - I never imagined so many people would read my post and take the time to write back.

I called my OBGYN and made an appointment for Monday (I work all weekend) to go in and get checked out. I'm going to let him know what's going on so he can check the baby isn't being harmed by the stress. I'm also going to make sure I'm in a good enough condition if I do fly home - the flight would be to the east coast of Canada, so it would be a long one. I love my OBGYN, so I'll be sad if I do leave and have to meet a new one so close to delivery.

DH did call about an hour ago and asked me to pack a bag for him for the night so he could stay elsewhere. I packed a small bag for him with essentials, if he wants more than that he'll have to get it himself, I can't be lifting suitcases around. To be honest, I'm relieved - I want the place to myself for the night to try to figure out what to do. I put his bag by the front door, so I'm hoping I won't have to see him get it.

I'm going to call an attorney tomorrow morning too - I know of a very good divorce attorney who will at least meet with me and tell me where I stand for free. I hadn't considered how long it would take for a divorce to go through but I guess we could see if we file now, if I would still be on his insurance by the time the baby comes. My job offers insurance after a year working there, and I only started at this particular location in February.

I would be really sad to leave here. We have a two cats I adore, and DH doesn't do anything to take care of them, so I'd be worried about leaving them. I guess if I left for good I could look at bringing them with me at some point. I love where I grew up in Canada and I love my family to bits, but I worked SO hard to get to where I am and I always wanted to live here.

I promise I am trying to take care of myself for my baby - to be honest, I'm pretty much functioning for him now. If I wasn't pregnant, chances are I'd still be in bed today at the end of a bottle of wine, but I made myself eat healthily (with a little extra chocolate) and go for a walk. I really hope the stress isn't affecting him and he's ok in there.
I just read this whole thread and my heart breaks for you, OP.

I'm glad you have an appointment with your ob/gyn, and hopefully he will give you ideas about emotional support as well through a therapist.

I'm also VERY glad you are meeting with an attorney tomorrow. Discuss ALL of the possible scenarios and ramifications of each with him/her...staying in California and divorcing, moving to Canada, etc. You really need to have strong legal advice before deciding what your eventual decision will be.

And finally, you really must call your parents. They love you, and you know in your heart that YOUR well-being and that of their grandchild trumps any kind of travel and fun they are having now. They need to know, and YOU need them to know.

Lots of to you.
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:59 PM   #99
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First of all I am SOOOO sorry for what you are going through. I went through the awful affair/moving out and I had 3 kids and had been a SAHM for almost 16 years when he came home and moved out.

There have been some amazing suggestions on here. I will say get yourself a divorce attorney that also has some experience in international divorce as well so that you know that you are covered if you do decide to leave and go to Canada.

Get yourself to a therapist as soon as possible just because divorce/affairs are such an emotionally draining experience and having a qualified professional to be there for you and help you through the issues you are going through now and will go through until you figure out your next move is crucial. My ex left me on a Thursday and I was in a therapists office on Monday. Best move I ever made. It really helped me process what I was feeling so that I could continue to go forward with a clear head.

CALL YOUR PARENTS!!!!! Don't wait another minute...call them!!! You NEED support! You deserve support and I'm sure your parents will be what you need in that department. They can put their new "life" on hold for a bit to help you get through this. When my ex came home to tell me he was moving out I went outside and called my parents while he was packing his stuff to get out. My parents arrived 15 minutes after he left and they were a godsend to me and have been and continue to be amazing in their support of me. I too was the only person in my family to be divorced and while I hate the stigma my parents especially and SOME of my family have been amazing.

I will go against some and say no way would I call his parents!!! I feel it's a really bad idea. If you leave they can take all the baby stuff back but I really don't think I would get involved with his parents. It could potentially bite you in the butt later down the road and I'm not sure you need that.

Good for you going in to see your doctor. That's a wise move. I think I was more afraid to go get tested than anything just because you never know.

I would suggest getting your financial house in order but I wouldn't liquidate anything until you speak to an attorney. Mine advised me to not leave the house, not liquidate assets and to only take a bit of the cash from the accounts but to go to the bank and get a dated printout of what was in the account. That way if he did take it all he'd have to prove to a judge why he emptied the account and that there was money in there at one point.

As for getting 1/2...just because you are entitled to it doesn't mean you'll get it. My attorney told me to plan on getting very little and if I did get what I was entitled to then consider myself lucky. Thankfully my ex was VERY fair with me and never tried to screw me out of anything I was entitled to but then we had 3 kids together, a 19 year marriage (mostly built on lies) and a weird mutual adult respect of each other.

Last of all take care of yourself and that precious baby. Make sure you eat even if you don't feel like it. I lost 25 lbs when my husband walked out the door because I could NOT eat. It's important for you to eat and take care of yourself and that baby.

This time sucks rocks...but it IS survivable. Turn to your family, friends,church, work friends whatever but get a good support system for yourself.

Seriously don't put off calling your parents. Do it NOW!!! You NEED them!! I know you probably don't think you do but honestly you DO!!!!!

Hang in there!! It's going to be a rough yucky road but it will eventually end. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel!!!

The website mentioned earlier www.survivinginfidelity.com is a great tool!! I relied on them a lot when my ex left. One more thing.....this was posted on that site and I feel every person going through this with a cheating spouse should read it and really think about what it says because in my opinion truer words were never spoken!!!

Honey they always affair down......

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with another SIer and a couple of the things we talked about are recurring topics especially for the newly betrayed wife. After DDay, we take such a hit to our self-esteem, and question what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to our husbands? Why did they get the best parts, when we were left with the worst? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not more attractive. She does not get the best parts.

Whats is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH (wayward husband), wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner its just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. Whats inside, is no match for you. Youre beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer.

She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but thats okay with her. Shes accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack and its at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, its just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired.

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack even weaker and more injured than when he found her. Shes worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.

Retake your position at the front of the pack. More often than not, its you hes fighting for; it's you he's sorry for; its you hes trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.

Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down.

Power and peace to all of the newly betrayed wives today.

Hang in there...it WILL get better!!!! I promise!
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Old 09-27-2012, 10:09 PM   #100
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Your post made me cry. I don't have advice but I just wanted to send you some I'm glad you're figuring out what you're going to do and I hope it'll all work out. Bless you

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Old 09-27-2012, 10:16 PM   #101
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at least now you dont have to waist anymore of your life trying to hold onto this relationship (but so saorry about baby, but that will work out and you will be glad for him)
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Old 09-27-2012, 10:22 PM   #102
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OP, I am sorry this is how your marrage ended up. I have never been in that situation and dont have any advice to give you but remember that you have someone who does need you now, and you have the best reason to triumph over all of this. Let that slime ball and the homewrecker have each other. You sound like you are so much better than that and I hope that you go on to great things in life and the karma will catch up to them someday.
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Old 09-27-2012, 10:58 PM   #103
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OP, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this and you will be in my prayers.

I agree that you should move back with your parents. If you can not do that or if you can not get coverage right away, you should be eligible for COBRA. Although you may have to pay for it, or he could be court ordered to pay for it, you would still have peace of mind being covered. If you get COBRA and then move out of country, that will be a qualifying event to change coverage if his company offers an international plan. If they do not, check the coverage to see if includes coverage while out of the country. Once the baby is born, you will be able to add him if he does not get coverage right away in Canada.

What kind of career are you in? A lot of companies now have virtual positions and you may be able to work from Canada for your company or in a field similar even though the business may not be local. I know my company has several virtual people in Canada.

Good luck with everything.
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Old 09-27-2012, 11:52 PM   #104
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I have to agree with not telling his parents, unfortunately, due to circumstances (another grandchild leaving), they could turn on you. Go home, stay with your family and give your unborn child the stability and love he will need when he is born. By staying you are giving your DH the opportunity to make your life miserable, before and after your child is born. As you said, this is new to you as no one in your family is divorced, but, I have seen my fair share of horrible custody cases from fathers who wanted nothing to do with their kids, but, suddenly develop an interest to obtain custody, when it comes to paying child support. If your company cannot offer you a job in Canada, leave anyway, you are blessed that your parents can help you financially until you find a new job and Im sure they will also assist you with getting a GOOD lawyer to get you a fair share of the assets you and your baby are entitled to.

I know it's hard, but, think with your head, not your heart and make the best decision for your child.

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Old 09-28-2012, 06:29 AM   #105
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As others have said, if you move to Canada, you will not have imediate health care coverge. But please be assured, even out of pocket, coverage is not as expensive as it is in the USA. Your baby will be covered and your medical expenses won't be extreme.
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