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Old 11-11-2012, 06:56 AM   #811
The Mystery Machine
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Originally Posted by Disney Doll View Post
Oh please..... He knows perfectly well how his life ended up like this. He slept with a skanky teenager and got caught. What he means is "I can't believe I got caght".

Now the reality of the situation HE CAUSED is slapping him in the face, his parents are probably all over him (I know my parents would be if my brother did something like htis to his wife) and he's going down the toilet. His little honey bun isn't there to comfort him either. Some of his other friends and relatives are probably "underwhelmed" at hs behavior too. If I knew this guy, I'd be hard-pressed to have anything to do with him after what he's done. This was not a mistake, this was not an error in judgement. THIS WAS A CHOICE.

I'm glad his parents are being nice, and if there is some way to allow them contact with their grandchild, then do so. But I still maintain that you shold tread very, very carefully with all this......it is the rare parent who will not ultimately in some way defend/support their child. My friend's brother had a heart attack while in bed with his girlfriend, and his mother said "Well, I don't blame him for wanting a girlfriend. His wife (of like 20+ years) never ironed his shirts". Yeah...like his girlfriend was!

Maybe your in-laws will be the rare parents who will say "We have no sympathy. You made your bed, you can lie in it" but my guess is that over time he will wear them down in to feeling sorry for him and you will slowly become the "bad guy". He'll start with little stories about how you didn't do this or didn't do that. How you went out with your girlfriends once in a while and WHO KNOWS what you did. You're not dealing with a man with any integrity here. Or the baby will come and you will be putting the brakes on things and he'll start buzzing in their ear about him being able to see HIS child and them being able to see THEIR grandchild and get them all revved up.

Be prepared...
Totally MTE.

Also, in order for them to see their grandchild they WILL have no choice but to side with their son. He holds the cards. It is just how it is.

I think you were smart to say we will discuss things once the baby gets here.

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Old 11-11-2012, 08:48 AM   #812
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Just following the thread and wanted to say how strong you are and how lucky your little one is to have you. Wishing you all the best.
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Old 11-11-2012, 01:07 PM   #813
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So I thought I'd come on and update today since it's been a while.

First up, I know people were asking about my due date - baby is due December 1st, so actually the beginning of next month. He's measuring right on track and everything is still good with him, gaining weight and doing everything he's supposed to be doing. I'm so excited to meet him at this point!

I'm doing OK too - little by little things are getting easier. There are still good days and bad days, but I'm trying to appreciate the good when they come and just battle through the bad as best I can. My parents have been absolutely incredible, I wish I could describe how much they've helped me through all this but words honestly don't seem enough. My dad is so excited for my little guy to be here, he keeps buying all these Christmas presents and I keep having to remind him, baby will be about three weeks old and won't know it's Christmas!

I still speak to DH every now and then, but there's very little to say. He told me last time we talked that he and the girl weren't speaking anymore - it turns out that DH's mother found out who the girl was and that she was the daughter of the friend of the family, and went and told her everything. She also found out about the texts I'd been getting from the girl, and told the mother that if she didn't make it stop, that she would push me to go to the police. I guess the mother of the girl didn't take this all too well, sent DH a message saying they wouldn't be visiting California after all, and he hasn't spoken to anyone in the family since. He was upset and crying and saying he didn't understand how all this happened...I had nothing to say. I did tell him he should reconsider seeing a counselor of some sort, but he brushed it off. This was all about three days ago - he's sent me messages and called a couple of times since then, but I'm not just going to sit and listen to him whine about a crappy situation all of his own doing. I suppose that doesn't make me sound very nice, and normally I would be the first person to lend an ear if a friend was in need - but I don't think he deserves it.

Anyway, that's where I'm up to. I really appreciate everyone who has been checking in and sending well wishes - on the crappy days I come back and read through this thread and am reminded of how kind you've all been and how much support I have. It makes things better
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I should clarify - the exact words he used were "I don't know how my life ended up like this." It seems pretty obvious to me. I almost feel sorry for him at times - how do you make such a mess of things and not be able to understand where you went wrong?!

His parents have been very, very nice to me so far. His mom sent me an email after she told the girl's mother everything, telling me what had been said. His parents are nice, normal people and they're truly horrified at the way their son is behaving. They've asked if I'm coming back to California, and asked if they can visit the baby and I some time in the new year. I asked them if we could wait and make that decision once he was here, and they agreed. I don't want to cut them out of my son's life if at all possible, I'm just waiting to see how this all plays out.
First, thank you so much for updating us. I know these are busy, stressful times for you, but I am so glad you are able to keep us in touch here.

You did the absolutely right thing, making your move when you did and reaching out to your parents. Like you said, you need to wait until the baby is here and make decisions then about who and when access will be available for anyone to see him.

The husband is in disbelief that he went from having his wife + girlfriend to now being alone. The fool lost control of the situation and just can't cope that events are swirling around him that he cannot do anything about.

I say let him stew and get himself help to find his "answers". He is no longer your problem, thankfully. You have a better, wonderful life ahead of you and your son, and I know you will find great happiness again one day..
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Old 11-11-2012, 02:49 PM   #814
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Dear OP,

The fact tht your your soon-to-be ex is still calling and crying on your shoulder, indicates he still has little regard for you and your baby.

If he loved you he should want you to be as calm and stress-free as possible. (Granted, if he loved you he wouldn't have behaved so shamefully!) Given the circumstances, if he has seen the error of his ways, he should "man up" and give you this remaining time of your pregnancy without trying to add a guilt trip on you (which is REALLy what his calls are about). Of course, he doesn't want to go to a counselor. All he needs is for you to come home so you & he can "work out your proplems in person".

I hope, your in-laws continue to support you and the baby.

I also wanted to bring up something, and I hope it's already covered...Please make sure you have a durable power of attorney, involving giving the right to make medical decisions, to your mom & dad, in the event you are unable to do so.

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Old 11-11-2012, 03:02 PM   #815
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I find you amazing and very strong to leave him when you did; but I have to admit that I dont understand why you even bother having any contact with him. You owe him nothing. Next time he calls all I would say to him is that either your parents or lawyer will let him know when the baby comes. Other than that there is nothing left to be said.

I was involved with a man (I use that term lightly) many many years ago. We decided to move out of state and by a house. Right before we left he was acting funny but insisted everything was fine. Almost imediately when we moved in I found out he was cheating on me before we left. I confronted him, he said he was scared about commiting, the big move, and blah, blah, blah. He asked if we could be roomates for a while.

Well I moved back home and left him there. He continued to call me for a few weeks. I took the calls and was pleasant, he acted very sweet. I had a birthday, he sent me a present. After about 3 weeks he said, do you think you will move back. I said only if you leave. He told me he couldnt believe I couldnt forgive him and that I was wrong for leaving him alone and unless I planned on coming back, he had nothing else to say to me. I said, ok, I guess we wont talk anymore. Even when he sold the house he had the realtor call me to tell me I needed to sign papers.

I use this story only to say that maybe by you taking his calls or answering texts gives him the idea that you may go back. Youre not his buddy and there is no reason for you to have to listen to his crap. You have no reason to apologize, no reason to explain to him why his life sucks now.

Let the lawyer work out the grandparents visiting. I agree you should wait for him to get here; but I would mention to your lawyer that they are asking for it.

Youre totally amazing....... that baby is going to have such a wonderful life.
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Old 11-11-2012, 03:54 PM   #816
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Do not leave canada with the baby until custody issues and in stone.. If anyone wants to visit, they need to go to canada.
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Old 11-11-2012, 04:47 PM   #817
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I've been following this thread but I can't remember if I've contributed until now.

I'm not going to attempt to diagnose someone I've never met, but one detail jumps out at me. Dr. Martha Stout, who is an expert on sociopaths, has said that the single biggest warning sign that someone is a sociopath is appealing to others' pity or sympathy (because you can get away with much, much more if others pity you). Keep that in mind.
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Old 11-11-2012, 05:57 PM   #818
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Originally Posted by TRK0011 View Post
I should clarify - the exact words he used were "I don't know how my life ended up like this." It seems pretty obvious to me. I almost feel sorry for him at times - how do you make such a mess of things and not be able to understand where you went wrong?!
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It sounds as if dude is in complete denial. Perhaps he has a narcissistic personality?
That's exactly what I was thinking. This is all about him. The OP's pain, his family's pain, his despicable behavior - none of that matters. It's all about him and his discomfort. OP, you have to maintain contact to a certain extent due to the baby, but I would limit it as much as possible. He can contact you by text. I would NOT listen to his pity party.


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The husband is in disbelief that the went from having his wife + girlfriend to now being alone. The fool lost control of the situation and just can't cope that events are swirling around him that he cannot do anything about.
This.


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Do not leave canada with the baby until custody issues and in stone.. If anyone wants to visit, they need to go to canada.
And this.
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Old 11-11-2012, 06:14 PM   #819
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Totally MTE.

Also, in order for them to see their grandchild they WILL have no choice but to side with their son. He holds the cards. It is just how it is.

I think you were smart to say we will discuss things once the baby gets here.

I disagree. The OP will almost certainly have primary physical custody of baby; she can decide if, when and how the grandparents will have access (unless they somehow gain standing in any court proceedings and are granted their own terms of visitation. This would be rare in a Canadian court).

I think it's a much better idea for her to maintain her own relationship with them at whatever level she's comfortable WITHOUT the former husband being in the middle.
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Old 11-11-2012, 06:56 PM   #820
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Hi OP!!! So happy to hear that you and your baby continue to thrive during this difficult time. Count me in as someone who is in complete awe of your strength.

Please don't ever think that you are not being a nice person. You have handled this situation with more class and grace than your H has in the tip of his pinky toe. Clearly he is delusional if he doesn't understand how he got to where he is.

You are truly blessed to be alway from someone like that and surrounded by people who love and care about you and your baby.

Stay strong and best wished for the remainder of your pregnancy.

Oh, and thanks for the update. You've been in my thoughts and prayers.
I agree with everything above. Your dad sounds so cute!! How excited your parents must be. I know this is not how you planned your life (or baby's) but it's going to be a great one!
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Dear OP,

The fact tht your your soon-to-be ex is still calling and crying on your shoulder, indicates he still has little regard for you and your baby.

If he loved you he should want you to be as calm and stress-free as possible. (Granted, if he loved you he wouldn't have behaved so shamefully!) Given the circumstances, if he has seen the error of his ways, he should "man up" and give you this remaining time of your pregnancy without trying to add a guilt trip on you (which is REALLy what his calls are about). Of course, he doesn't want to go to a counselor. All he needs is for you to come home so you & he can "work out your proplems in person".

I hope, your in-laws continue to support you and the baby.

I also wanted to bring up something, and I hope it's already covered...Please make sure you have a durable power of attorney, involving giving the right to make medical decisions, to your mom & dad, in the event you are unable to do so.
Very good advice!
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Do not leave canada with the baby until custody issues and in stone.. If anyone wants to visit, they need to go to canada.
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Old 11-11-2012, 07:20 PM   #821
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Originally Posted by babyrich View Post
I find you amazing and very strong to leave him when you did; but I have to admit that I dont understand why you even bother having any contact with him. You owe him nothing. Next time he calls all I would say to him is that either your parents or lawyer will let him know when the baby comes. Other than that there is nothing left to be said.

I use this story only to say that maybe by you taking his calls or answering texts gives him the idea that you may go back. Youre not his buddy and there is no reason for you to have to listen to his crap. You have no reason to apologize, no reason to explain to him why his life sucks now.

Let the lawyer work out the grandparents visiting. I agree you should wait for him to get here; but I would mention to your lawyer that they are asking for it.

Youre totally amazing....... that baby is going to have such a wonderful life.
Very well said. I agree!

OP, so glad you gave us an update. We've been wondering how you were doing and it's great to hear baby is doing so well. Love that your Dad is so excited! I'm sure your Mom is as well. Is it possible for you to tell your soon-to-be ex not to call you any more? I think you'll have a better chance at more "good" days if you stop listening to his delusional self pity. Just a thought. Take care and continue doing what your doing and take one day at a time.
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Old 11-11-2012, 08:39 PM   #822
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I disagree. The OP will almost certainly have primary physical custody of baby; she can decide if, when and how the grandparents will have access (unless they somehow gain standing in any court proceedings and are granted their own terms of visitation. This would be rare in a Canadian court).

I think it's a much better idea for her to maintain her own relationship with them at whatever level she's comfortable WITHOUT the former husband being in the middle.
I tend to agree. They aren't at fault, and the baby can benefit from having two sets of loving grandparents. I will be honest enough to admit that I would want any visitation to take place in Canada. The whole crossing international lines thing would make me nervous (just in case there was ever a problem).
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:16 PM   #823
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OP, glad to hear you and baby are doing well. You have a hard road, but you are doing wonderfully. I bet your parents are beside themselves with excitement of being such a close part of their grandson's life.

Your dh will never understand. I would almost guess that while he is talking to you about what happened and where he went wrong, he is burning up the phone of the girlfriend too. There are realities. He can't be alone. It is all about him and always will be. His needs and his wants.

As for his parents, I agree with others. I have a personal relationship on my own with my children's grandparents. If they want to send them tickets to come see them over break, I arrange it with the grandparents. I have no ill will towards them but there is never any discussion regarding their son. Ever. Sure, passing comments about everyday life but that is it. You define the relationship with them. And you are right, your son deserves to know his grandparents. It does sound like they love their grandchild already. If it were me I probably would lay it one the line, No discussions about the son with you and neutral ground meetings. Take your time in making that decision and be comfortable when you do.

Good luck OP!!

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Old 11-11-2012, 11:26 PM   #824
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Glad you and the baby are doing well. I agree with a pp about drawing up a medical poa for your parents.

I am on board with other posters as i am not sure why you keep taking your dh's calls. What good do you think will come from doing this? I would stop taking them or take them very rarely--once every week maybe. But again, I ask why? What is there to talk about? Why listen to him whine? I would let the lawyer handle all communications with him, including notifying him of the baby's birth. Unless you are hoping he will say that he was wrong and wants you back or has suddenly decided he wants to be a father. Is this what you are hoping for?
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Old 11-12-2012, 06:32 AM   #825
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I disagree. The OP will almost certainly have primary physical custody of baby; she can decide if, when and how the grandparents will have access (unless they somehow gain standing in any court proceedings and are granted their own terms of visitation. This would be rare in a Canadian court).

I think it's a much better idea for her to maintain her own relationship with them at whatever level she's comfortable WITHOUT the former husband being in the middle.
You know, I hope it goes that way, I truly do.
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