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Old 09-27-2012, 04:39 PM   #46
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Get a lawyer, and get one that specializes in divorce. Even if either of you were to move out, you will still be legally married by the time the baby arrives. I'm not sure about CA, but here it takes 18 months to get a divorce, so you will still be covered on his health insurance. Do understand, though, that if your baby is born in the U.S. and is a U.S. citizen, you won't be allowed to take him out of the country without your husband's permission.

A note on child support. It doesn't matter how much more money you make than him. Child support is based on his income alone. He probably won't have to pay spousal support/alimony, but he will have to pay child support. ...and, yes, a court can force him to pay child support. Some states jail people for non payment.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:39 PM   #47
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I am so sorry you have to go through this. It really sucks.

As a single mom looking for a job - my advice is to keep your job. Maybe your parents or mom could come stay with you for a few months until the baby is born and then help until child care is established.

Even if you filed for divorce soon, I don't think it would process fast enough for you to be off of his insurance by the time the baby comes.

Does your work offer insurance?

On child support - how mine works, and I assume the rest of the country - it doesn't matter how much anyone makes, the non-residential parent has a pay a percentage of their income.

He is a jerk. I know it is hard not to - but please remind yourself that this is not your fault. You are not to blame.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:46 PM   #48
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If it were me I'd be headed back to Canada with free health care and sane people who love me. Your husband sounds like a real creep. So sorry this is happening to you but better you find out now then after the baby is born.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:46 PM   #49
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What an absolutely horrible situation to be in!! I am in agreement that if you plan to go home to Canada, do it now!! Even if you think he wants nothing to do with the baby, he can use that as a tool to manipulate you - he can threaten (and follow through) to prevent you from moving unless you give him what he wants. He'll just pretend he wants a relationship with the child for court purposes.

Also it doesn't matter how much money you make, he is responsible for supporting his child financially.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:51 PM   #50
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I'd leave now and go to Canada.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:52 PM   #51
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My heart breaks for you and I'm so sorry for what you are going through this . Having 3 married daughters, I can tell you without a doubt I would want to know if my daughter was going through this terrible heartache ! Your world has been torn apart, and as a parent with your best interest at heart, I would want to help you sort out what is best for you and my grandson. You and your baby are top priority here, don't harbor this, they will be more than willing to help you any way they can. Blessings to you and your lil one, do what you can to protect yourself ~ hang in there sweetie.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:54 PM   #52
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I am so so sorry.

I'd file for divorce and lawyer up.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:59 PM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TRK0011 View Post
Thank you for such fast responses. I wanted to touch on what a few people have said.

As far as finances go, I'm just assuming from my shaky legal knowledge that I will be entitled to half of everything we purchased as a married couple, which is basically everything we own. I would have to rely on him to some extent to get things moving on selling the house, cars, etc.

We both have good jobs, I make slightly more than he does and he already made a comment about not wanting to pay child support because I have the higher income and "that's not fair." So that might be a battle. I actually don't know if a court can make him pay child support if I move to a different country. One reason I'm nervous to leave is my job - without going into detail, it's a job I'd have a hard time replacing in the area of Canada my parents live, and if I just up and leave, they won't hold it open for me here. Being unemployed at this point in my pregnancy was not on the cards - we have savings but a lot of them are tied up and it will take time to get them split up. As I said, my parents could finance things for a while, but gosh I hate to do that to them.

This sounds absolutely absurd, but I just never thought this would happen to me. No one in my family has ever gotten divorced, no single parents or anything. My parents are the sweetest, kindest people, and they love DH (they'll love him a lot less after this) - they're going to be so shocked. I just get short of breath even thinking about actually picking up the phone and calling them to tell them this.

I assumed custody would not be an issue - he said he wants nothing to do with this baby and I can take him with me. He did make some comment about me moving back to Canada and him never getting to see him, but I don't understand how he can say such opposite things at the same time. One problem will be his parents. They are sweet, generous people who have done SO much for this baby already - they bought everything for the nursery, a stroller and car seat, put a huge amount of money aside to start a college fund - and they're so excited to finally have a grandchild living nearby (their other four grandkids are on the east coast). I know they'll be devastated, and I actually wonder if my mother in law would legally try to stop me leaving.

I called my phone company and had the texts from this girl blocked because they were so horrible. She started forwarding me on messages from him - there was even one he sent her this afternoon while I'm sat here going through hell saying something like "in such a good mood today, miss you loads, can't wait to talk to you later." I have kept them, so I have them if necessary. There is no WAY this baby will be going near her.

I have definitely considered a therapist - I'm going to check out that Psychology Today website and look for someone that will take my insurance, even just for a week or two while I try to think things out.

Despite all the anger and disgust and generally wondering what the heck happened in the last two days...I still love him. It's pathetic. A huge part of me doesn't want the two of them together because she'll end up hurting him. Seriously, that can't be normal, I'm supposed to hate him, I wish I did, it would make this a lot cleaner.

You need to get your priorities straight. You can't stay here just because you now have a secure job. You need to secure the welfare of the baby first, then any job. If that means leaving for Canada, so be it.

It is a misconception to think that when you get divorced you will be entitled to half. It depends on the state you live in. Also, if he drains the bank account dry before you file for divorce, you won't have "half" anymore.

I was watching a true crime show last nite on Betty Broderick. She's the woman who killed her ex-husband & his wife in their bed. She claims he had been emotionally goading her & intentionally driving her crazy so she'd commit suicide, and he got full custody of the kids, instead of allowing her to share custody.

The topper came when she thought she'd get half the money after they divorced & split up the house & assets. There was a loophole in the system where he was able to write two checks right before the divorce, in hundreds of thousand of dollars to his brother as a "failed business deal." Since the money was gone, the Court didn't count that money as assets. they didn't even research if it was real. In splitting what little money was left, Betty ended up with NOTHING. He even figured out a way to get all the money from their house she was still living in.

You talk about wanting to keep a good, secure job. But, lawyers fees for a vicious divorce add up, custody battle fees add up, trying to get him to pony up for child support add up. If he figures out a way to cut you off from health insurance before the baby is born, those costs add up. If you, God forbid, have extenuating health problems after the baby is born and the insurance is gone, those add up. Day care as a single mother add up. They may all cost more than any money you make from your current job. you can't count on when he will sell the house. He may purposely tie up the sale for years. Or he may live in it with his new girlfriend and somehow squeeze you out of the money.

You have family as a support system. You have the Canadian healthcare & social systems. You can look for a new job once you have your feet back under you. things to think about.
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Old 09-27-2012, 05:01 PM   #54
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I am just so sorry to hear this.
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Old 09-27-2012, 05:08 PM   #55
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I am very very sorry for what you are going through. Go to your parents and surround yourself with people that love you and that precious baby.

Take care of yourself and head to your parents.

You husband has spoken loud and clear with his actions.
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Old 09-27-2012, 05:14 PM   #56
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I just wanted to say thank you again for the advice - I never imagined so many people would read my post and take the time to write back.

I called my OBGYN and made an appointment for Monday (I work all weekend) to go in and get checked out. I'm going to let him know what's going on so he can check the baby isn't being harmed by the stress. I'm also going to make sure I'm in a good enough condition if I do fly home - the flight would be to the east coast of Canada, so it would be a long one. I love my OBGYN, so I'll be sad if I do leave and have to meet a new one so close to delivery.

DH did call about an hour ago and asked me to pack a bag for him for the night so he could stay elsewhere. I packed a small bag for him with essentials, if he wants more than that he'll have to get it himself, I can't be lifting suitcases around. To be honest, I'm relieved - I want the place to myself for the night to try to figure out what to do. I put his bag by the front door, so I'm hoping I won't have to see him get it.

I'm going to call an attorney tomorrow morning too - I know of a very good divorce attorney who will at least meet with me and tell me where I stand for free. I hadn't considered how long it would take for a divorce to go through but I guess we could see if we file now, if I would still be on his insurance by the time the baby comes. My job offers insurance after a year working there, and I only started at this particular location in February.

I would be really sad to leave here. We have a two cats I adore, and DH doesn't do anything to take care of them, so I'd be worried about leaving them. I guess if I left for good I could look at bringing them with me at some point. I love where I grew up in Canada and I love my family to bits, but I worked SO hard to get to where I am and I always wanted to live here.

I promise I am trying to take care of myself for my baby - to be honest, I'm pretty much functioning for him now. If I wasn't pregnant, chances are I'd still be in bed today at the end of a bottle of wine, but I made myself eat healthily (with a little extra chocolate) and go for a walk. I really hope the stress isn't affecting him and he's ok in there.
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Old 09-27-2012, 05:14 PM   #57
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1) Reread your post.

2) You and baby do not want someone who does not want you.

3) Time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off because baby needs you.

4) D I V O R C E

5) Move on to the life you were meant to have and that baby deserves.
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Old 09-27-2012, 05:15 PM   #58
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In California it's half.

I agree with the others about leaving for Canada. There is so much benefit to it. But the first thing you need to do is call your parents. It's a hard call to make, but you need them and they will be able to do some of the thinking for you.

I know you are still processing your feelings for him, but you can't consider him while making these decisions. Do what's best for you and your baby. Good luck.
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Old 09-27-2012, 05:18 PM   #59
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TRK0011 View Post
Thank you for such fast responses. I wanted to touch on what a few people have said.

As far as finances go, I'm just assuming from my shaky legal knowledge that I will be entitled to half of everything we purchased as a married couple, which is basically everything we own. I would have to rely on him to some extent to get things moving on selling the house, cars, etc.

We both have good jobs, I make slightly more than he does and he already made a comment about not wanting to pay child support because I have the higher income and "that's not fair." So that might be a battle. I actually don't know if a court can make him pay child support if I move to a different country. One reason I'm nervous to leave is my job - without going into detail, it's a job I'd have a hard time replacing in the area of Canada my parents live, and if I just up and leave, they won't hold it open for me here. Being unemployed at this point in my pregnancy was not on the cards - we have savings but a lot of them are tied up and it will take time to get them split up. As I said, my parents could finance things for a while, but gosh I hate to do that to them.

This sounds absolutely absurd, but I just never thought this would happen to me. No one in my family has ever gotten divorced, no single parents or anything. My parents are the sweetest, kindest people, and they love DH (they'll love him a lot less after this) - they're going to be so shocked. I just get short of breath even thinking about actually picking up the phone and calling them to tell them this.

I assumed custody would not be an issue - he said he wants nothing to do with this baby and I can take him with me. He did make some comment about me moving back to Canada and him never getting to see him, but I don't understand how he can say such opposite things at the same time. One problem will be his parents. They are sweet, generous people who have done SO much for this baby already - they bought everything for the nursery, a stroller and car seat, put a huge amount of money aside to start a college fund - and they're so excited to finally have a grandchild living nearby (their other four grandkids are on the east coast). I know they'll be devastated, and I actually wonder if my mother in law would legally try to stop me leaving.

I called my phone company and had the texts from this girl blocked because they were so horrible. She started forwarding me on messages from him - there was even one he sent her this afternoon while I'm sat here going through hell saying something like "in such a good mood today, miss you loads, can't wait to talk to you later." I have kept them, so I have them if necessary. There is no WAY this baby will be going near her.

I have definitely considered a therapist - I'm going to check out that Psychology Today website and look for someone that will take my insurance, even just for a week or two while I try to think things out.

Despite all the anger and disgust and generally wondering what the heck happened in the last two days...I still love him. It's pathetic. A huge part of me doesn't want the two of them together because she'll end up hurting him. Seriously, that can't be normal, I'm supposed to hate him, I wish I did, it would make this a lot cleaner.
OP, there's nothing that you've done that caused him to do this, and yes, it's tough when you find out that someone you loved is a total douche, but, a friend once told me that divorce isn't a gentleman's game, it's a scorched earth war, and all's fair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sandramaac View Post
Lots of great advice from folks here. This man is a pig (sorry). But get things in order here"

#1 Make dr. appt ASAP like tomorrow and get checked. Make dr. aware of stress you are under

#2 Let your parents AND his parents know what is going on. Let them know and if they can handle it, read them the text from this girl.

#3 I would take the block off her text. Just don't respond. HOWEVER you need to make a visit to the police with the threatening and disturbing text and file a report. Also lock those messages on your phone so they are not lost. A software update on your phone can cause them to all disappear. Better yet also make a scan of your whole phone and the messages.

#4 Before you go anywhere get $$ in order, like tonight, Print out bank and financial statements, cause this guy is gonna take you for a wild ride. Change ALL your log on's for your acounts. He most likely knows some of them. Even FB and DIS accounts cause this guy is shewed. Place all your private materials in your car or a hidden place.

#5 Do not leave your home unless it is so totally stressful for you and baby. Can you have rotating family or friends stay until the baby gets here.

#6 If you can try to record anything awful he says to you. Never know when it may come in handy

#7 Ask him take take temp residence somewhere else. Don't ask him to leave, but to take temp residence some place. Don't get over confrontational.

#8 Give belly hugs to that sweet little bundle in there, and tell him how much you love him. My heart goes out to you. Don't take crap fom this guy, but until this little one gets here watch your stress level. That is why dr. appt. fo tomorrow VERY important.

#9 Get a great attorney and don't make any major changes until baby is here. Make sure you have family or friends here for baby's birth. That is very important, and I would not include him in the birth if at all possible.
I would add to this to ask your attorney about the ramifications of moving home if that's what you want to do. Social safety nets aside, if you like where you're living and what you're doing, it's important to keep those things, being home, but nothing doing anything, could be just as destructive.

Also, document, document, document. Get all of your financial papers, keep them monitored, put a watch on your credit report so no one can open a new account in your name (if you don't already have one) without approval from you. Any texts that she's sent, or messages to her from him that she's forwarded, ask your cell provider to save and print off or send to you as a document from them. I agree with the PP who said to remove the block, she's a 19 year old idiot, who may very well hand your hopefully soon-to-be ex. enough rope to hang himself.
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Old 09-27-2012, 05:25 PM   #60
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Here again... After you've made arrangements for appointments, but before they happen...
Prenatal massage, prenatal yoga, find a moms group, divorce group, anything!
Meetup.com has linked me to SO many other pregnant women and moms!

Be really thankful you are out of the delicate first trimester, stress then can be dangerous, now you just need to make sure you are eating and exercising and baby will be good!
Talk to the OB on Monday about the risks for early labor.
Treat yourself to something to ease your mind.

Best wishes to you and baby.
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