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Old 10-11-2012, 10:08 PM   #511
canadianjovigirl
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I did ask a lawyer friend of mine about this and she advised that jurisdiction for the custody must take place where the child resides.

I was aware of this for inter-province custody hearings as when i left my ex my lawyer advised me to move and then file there or i would be stuck returning to the province i filed in to complete it. My sis in law also moved provinces without my brothers knowledge and when he filed with the courts for access he had to file it in the province the child resided in.

Child support and custody is never dealt with here in the same hearing either. Looks like it will all work to the op's advantage to file in Canada for custody as then the hearings will take place where the child resides.
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Old 10-11-2012, 11:53 PM   #512
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I have been following this and am saying a prayer for you, OP. You ARE a strong woman! Your feelings are normal. Your concern for him coming home to an empty house is out of a desire for what the relationship maybe once was, or what you thought it was, not what it IS. That is a hard reality to accept. But don't let it sway your decision to leave OR to return in the future.

You are going to come out of this stronger and wiser. I pray for all the best for you and your baby....and GOD BLESS your wonderful mother! (And father who is probably supporting her in coming to get you!)

I am eagerly awaiting your post that you are safely in Canada.
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Old 10-12-2012, 04:58 AM   #513
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Another quick update.

The Dr appointment went well and my Dr told me to go ahead and fly, but to do it sooner rather than later. So my parents are looking for flights right now - we're looking for a nonstop flight so I don't have to worry about a layover. I'm not going to say on here when I'm planning on leaving, just in case, but once I'm in Canada, I will let you guys know I'm there. My mom is flying over the day before and staying in a hotel, that way DH won't know she's here and hopefully won't suspect anything is going on. To be honest, my mom is really coming in case I freak out about leaving and want to stay - I've told her that, no matter how hard it is or how upset I get, she needs to make me get on that flight. I'm going to leave DH a note telling him where I am, contact information and my attorney's information with regard to the money I'm leaving to cover my share of bills.
The cats are going to stay for now - I know DH won't hurt them, he adores them and he's a big animal lover, I'm confident they'll be safe. Additionally to that, my attorney advised against taking things that are considered joint property and, as horrible as it sounds, pets are considered property.

I appreciate people saying how strong I am, but I certainly don't feel it. I manage OK throughout the day, but at night I'm a mess. I got really upset last night when I realized DH would come home to an empty house and no inkling that I would be gone. It reminded me of when we first moved in together and we'd be so excited to come home to each other after work at the end of the day. I just get so sad sometimes that it's truly over

Oh, and obviously, DH didn't move out like he said he would. He's still in the guest room. The other night I needed the laptop to get some work done, and went to ask DH if he had it - he was on Skype with the other girl and when she saw me in the background, she flipped out and started screaming "WHY is SHE here, she needs to LEAVE, I hate her so much, look how fat she's gotten with the baby, she's disgusting." I (stupidly) waited to see if DH might defend me, especially about the fat comments, but his response to her was "it's OK baby, don't let her upset you."
I was wondering if perhaps that note should be sent by registered mail, in case hubbie tears it up and says he never got it. Just a thought.
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Old 10-12-2012, 05:05 AM   #514
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I was wondering if perhaps that note should be sent by registered mail, in case hubbie tears it up and says he never got it. Just a thought.
i believe she is paying through the attorney so i dont think he would dare tear it up...

id say, have your parents fly down, get everything you need within and hour and take off to Canada... make it quick and smooth on yourself, cant imagine a 7 month pregnant lady doing all this by herself...
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Old 10-12-2012, 08:34 AM   #515
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i believe she is paying through the attorney so i dont think he would dare tear it up...

id say, have your parents fly down, get everything you need within and hour and take off to Canada... make it quick and smooth on yourself, cant imagine a 7 month pregnant lady doing all this by herself...
No kidding. I hope to god the husband isnt home as she's trying to leave. Thank goodness the mother is going to be nearby.
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Old 10-12-2012, 09:54 AM   #516
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Hopefully OP has already thought about this, but I would advise finding a family lawyer in Canada and see what can be done on that side of the boarder. If she can file there vs. here I would imagine that would be to her benifit in a lot of ways. If nothing else the Canadian lawyer should be able to answer questions the CA lawyer can't, even if she does wind up having to file in CA at least she'll know all the angles before moving forward.

Oh, and as for that last update? DuH would be having to have that laptop removed from his butt hole if that had happened to me. Good grief, what a douche!
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Old 10-12-2012, 10:01 AM   #517
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Thinking of you OP and glad you are planning to go home. It is possible to be sad and mixed up and still be strong! You didn't let his hollow words sway your decision and you didn't kick his hiney when he made that comment to her online. Keep remembering those ridiculous moments when you feel your resolve weakening.

Good luck as you move forward and have confidence that future happiness will be in store for you. THis is the hardest part, it WILL get better.
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Old 10-12-2012, 10:32 AM   #518
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Do seek sole custody with as limited access as you can get approved by the court. Personally, I think he should still be financially responsible for the child he helped create but limit his contact as much as you feel is appropriate. Support payments don't mean that he'll have any access rights above what you/he/and the court have agreed to. It's the child's right and his duty.
It is also the child's right to have a father! I think most courts will agree. If the dad wants to be involved later, the OP might not have a choice. If he doesn't, then that is his choice.
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Old 10-12-2012, 12:36 PM   #519
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Thinking of you OP and glad you are planning to go home. It is possible to be sad and mixed up and still be strong! You didn't let his hollow words sway your decision and you didn't kick his hiney when he made that comment to her online. Keep remembering those ridiculous moments when you feel your resolve weakening.

Good luck as you move forward and have confidence that future happiness will be in store for you. THis is the hardest part, it WILL get better.
I agree. You're going to have to mourn the loss of what you thought your life was going to be, the person you thought you were with. That's totally different than mourning the loss of the jerk that he turned out to be.

Stay strong. A bunch of total strangers are really proud of you right now. You can be proud of what your are doing for your child!
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Old 10-12-2012, 01:03 PM   #520
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It is also the child's right to have a father! I think most courts will agree. If the dad wants to be involved later, the OP might not have a choice. If he doesn't, then that is his choice.
A child has a right to a good and loving father that wants him. This child doesn't have that. A child deserves to have a father that wants him and will be there for him, and put his needs first.

That is not the case here at all. Will the father grow up, maybe, who knows, and right now, who cares. The OP, and the child is better off without him. OP should not have to bend over backwards to forge a relationship with him.

If he wants to later, that is up to the OP. I hope she can file everything in Canada and the Candian courts can make the decisions.

I know my sons were so much better off that their sperm donor disappeared. The money that I never received (that the court ordered), wouldn't have been worth it, if he had been in the picture. My sons are now grown men, and doing very well.
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Old 10-12-2012, 01:07 PM   #521
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Just echoing what a PP said. This is about him. Although the situation was completely different, I had to realize this about my MIL's behavior towards me and other family members. It's much easier said than done and took me a long time, but I stopped being hurt because this is person felt bad about her life. I was not to blame. Neither are you.

I also agree that he will spin it to look like it is about you. Is there anyway you can write a letter to be delivered through your attorney to your in-laws? They may welcome contact with their grandchild down the road. It would also get your side of the story out first. I don't know if this is actually a good idea. Just a thought.

Thinking of you!
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Old 10-12-2012, 02:53 PM   #522
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And I just have to ask, how is he going to explain this to his family when you're gone? His friends? His coworkers? "Hey, Mom and Dad, forget about your daughter-in-law and new grandchild...I ditched them for an unstable teenager!"

Is he going to bring her to work events? To parties at his friends' homes? To Thanksgiving at his parents' home?

There's going to be no way to spin this that doesn't make him come off like the Worst Person Ever.

OP, all of this can be entertaining if you're in the right frame of mind. Keep in touch with friends that can tell you when the new gf has a shrieking temper tantrum in front of his family or his coworkers, because you know she will. Nothing wrong with a little schadenfreude....
Just want to say I think this post brought up a few good points. Kind of "side effects" of what he is doing to himself

Good luck going forward and please give us an update when you are settled.

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Old 10-12-2012, 03:02 PM   #523
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Just spent 1/2 of my morning going through this thread. All I can say is what a nightmare!!!! OP...your are doing yourself and this baby a HUGE favor by getting out of there. You are so lucky you have such a loving and helpful family. Embrace that! Good luck with getting away and stay strong!!!!! I will be looking forward to seeing a post from you that you are in Canada and safe.
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Old 10-12-2012, 03:05 PM   #524
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It is also the child's right to have a father! I think most courts will agree. If the dad wants to be involved later, the OP might not have a choice. If he doesn't, then that is his choice.
I know, which is why relinquishing his rights is not something a USA court will allow. Since he has stated his cruel and hurtful position regarding this little boy, I think strict limitations are reasonable. I would move to protect the child as much as possible from harmful contact (remember this crazy girlfriend may have access, too!) so that when the time came, the mother and child are able to expand it at their own pace. There is always room to allow for more access, but it's difficult to restrict it later.
I can't imagine a court would order a strict access agreement unless the father is in agreement with the limitations. Right now, it sounds like he would be. If the two adults can't agree, then the court will decide and I don't think OP wants that.

Unfortunately, I have experience with troubled and dangerous parents and the effect it has on the children. The guy is troubled and the girlfriend sounds dangerous. Protecting the child comes first.
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Old 10-12-2012, 04:08 PM   #525
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I know, which is why relinquishing his rights is not something a USA court will allow. Since he has stated his cruel and hurtful position regarding this little boy, I think strict limitations are reasonable. I would move to protect the child as much as possible from harmful contact (remember this crazy girlfriend may have access, too!) so that when the time came, the mother and child are able to expand it at their own pace. There is always room to allow for more access, but it's difficult to restrict it later.
I can't imagine a court would order a strict access agreement unless the father is in agreement with the limitations. Right now, it sounds like he would be. If the two adults can't agree, then the court will decide and I don't think OP wants that.

Unfortunately, I have experience with troubled and dangerous parents and the effect it has on the children. The guy is troubled and the girlfriend sounds dangerous. Protecting the child comes first.
Totally agree here. very well said. the husband made it crystal clear he wants nothing to do with the kid!! why wouldnt the OP believe him? luckily she does! she's smart and listening to him by going to Canada. sticking around "just in case he changes his mind and decides to be a father" is a stupid thing to do.

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