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Old 10-05-2012, 07:51 AM   #361
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OP, good luck today. I know that this step of seeing a lawyer is a hard one. I think overall, regardless of what your dh has said, what he is doing, what the girl seems to think is the right thing to do, there are always mixed emotions when seeing a lawyer and knowing that you are disolving your marriage. It is not easy no matter the circumstances.

My dh cheated 3 xs before I had the courage to end it. I found an excuse each and every time. The problem is, I was miserable. The kids were miserable because I was miserable. The only person happy was the ex. He didn't have to feel or be unhappy, things had worked out marvelously for him.

Just remember, your happiness counts. Your baby's happiness counts. The ex and the girl...well, its not looking good for him but thats just an outsiders opinion. Again, right now I would take the high road and let them have each other. Get your life in order. Start the steps to being a single parent. Find happiness in whatever and wherever you can. And 6 months from now, when the reality of his situation sets in you will be much stronger and in a much better place to deal with HIM and whatever you feel is best for your family then. Right now, the shock and the sucker punch along with being pregnant, there is no way you can even remotely work on a relationship with this man and make good and rational decisions. Trust me. No matter what, if you feel someday this can be worked out, you have to give it time. Working it out today is not working it out. It will be giving your dh a chance to take advantage of your emotional state to get his way.

Just be conscience of the fact that really, this isn't about him anymore. Its about where you want to be and how you want to live your life. Take back the power to be happy YOUR way, not his.

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Old 10-05-2012, 11:07 AM   #362
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaraJayne View Post
Her husband has made it crystal clear he doesn't want to be a father, by both his words and his actions.
Yes, indeed he has! How much reassurance does the OP need? He said he's not interested. Many times. Made it clear he wants to be with the 19 yo. After what he put the OP thru, should she stick around and put up with more shenanigans for the rest of her life? I think not. She deserves happiness, not misery.
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Old 10-05-2012, 11:36 AM   #363
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I have been following this and do not want to read all of the pages I've missed so I'm sorry if this is a repeat. I would not move back to Canada or give up my job. I would want to keep a good paying job so that I could be an independent single mom. I'd also want to hang on to the house as it might be easier to buy out dh then to start over. Unless you feel unsafe I'd stay put. I'd lawyer up so that you can protect your interests but I'd hang on to the job.
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Old 10-05-2012, 12:12 PM   #364
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I could not help but reply here after reading most of the thread. I am so sorry this happened to you. I know it is a game-changer, but you will not be alone. You have to think about this baby. If Dad does not want to be a part of your life and baby's life, then he shouldn't let the door hit him on the way out. If he expressed remorse I would suggest counseling, but he has not. You are going to need help and your family sounds loving and supportive. I expect you will have some matermity leave from work. If it is paid, do not quit that job. You can still go to Canada to have the baby if you are on a leave, right? Open your own bank account fast and get as much as you can into it. He is sneaky...you have to be savvy. Hugs.
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Old 10-05-2012, 12:21 PM   #365
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Originally Posted by Halloweenqueen View Post
No flames, but I've been thinking of the poor OP's situation today.

We have made her husband out to be the scum of the Earth, but is he? Haven't we all had doubts when it comes to parenting?

Maybe the OP knew things were not going right for a long time. She didn't know about the affair, but maybe she just sensed their marriage wasn't strong. I can believe how her husband might think she intentionally got pregnant to keep him.

I'm not saying that is true. I know there are birth control failures, but the pill IS 99% effective when taken correctly.

I know many women that hoped their husbands would change with the addition of a child.

The OP stated that this affair was months of flirting before it became physical. Maybe her husband intensified his relationship with the wacko as a way of coping.

This reminds me of the movie Juno. The husband wasn't ready to settle down and be a father. He acted out and started flirting with Juno...a way to recapture his youth. He left his wife, in part, because he didn't want to take on the responsibility of having a family.

Yes, he did a terrible thing having an affair, but he is far from the devil himself.

I hope the OP gets good advice from her lawyer. Like I said before, I'm mostly concerned about the wacky girlfriend. I think the OP needs to give her husband the opportunity to formally make a choice. What he told her might have been a way to justify the affair. Maybe saying he didn't want to be a father was said out of guilt or anger.

Running away to Canada does not benefit this child. I've seen plenty of men (and women) who thought they didn't want to be a parent totally melt when their child is placed in their arms. Her husband should get the opportunity to make his choice. He is going to be financially responsible for this child. He should be able to have a say if he wants to parent him.
I think it is a little too much to say "no flames" and then post comments like that! You can not get pregnant alone. Thing is, no man can be "trapped" by a child if he is NOT having sex. Is there no accountability for his actions? And sorry...cheating on one's wife as "coping" is a ridiculous cop out. He is an adult. Call a counselor. Ask for a divorce. Lots of options for someone who is so terribly unhappy. Not too far from the devil himself...a selfish, immature, disloyal one at that.
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Old 10-05-2012, 12:59 PM   #366
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Halloweenqueen View Post
No flames, but I've been thinking of the poor OP's situation today.

We have made her husband out to be the scum of the Earth, but is he? Haven't we all had doubts when it comes to parenting?

Maybe the OP knew things were not going right for a long time. She didn't know about the affair, but maybe she just sensed their marriage wasn't strong. I can believe how her husband might think she intentionally got pregnant to keep him.

I'm not saying that is true. I know there are birth control failures, but the pill IS 99% effective when taken correctly.

I know many women that hoped their husbands would change with the addition of a child.

The OP stated that this affair was months of flirting before it became physical. Maybe her husband intensified his relationship with the wacko as a way of coping.

This reminds me of the movie Juno. The husband wasn't ready to settle down and be a father. He acted out and started flirting with Juno...a way to recapture his youth. He left his wife, in part, because he didn't want to take on the responsibility of having a family.

Yes, he did a terrible thing having an affair, but he is far from the devil himself.

I hope the OP gets good advice from her lawyer. Like I said before, I'm mostly concerned about the wacky girlfriend. I think the OP needs to give her husband the opportunity to formally make a choice. What he told her might have been a way to justify the affair. Maybe saying he didn't want to be a father was said out of guilt or anger.

Running away to Canada does not benefit this child. I've seen plenty of men (and women) who thought they didn't want to be a parent totally melt when their child is placed in their arms. Her husband should get the opportunity to make his choice. He is going to be financially responsible for this child. He should be able to have a say if he wants to parent him.
Just to be clear...even in your scenario (which I suppose would be what is called the "best-case scenario" for not making the DH look as bad,) which let's face it, is pretty unlikely...but for the sake of argument, let's say the situation happened just as you say...ummm in my book, this still by far makes him the "scum of the earth" as you called it.

No one held a gun to his head to make him get married, if he decided he didn't want to be married after he could have certainly said something, gone to counseling, gotten a divorce (instead he decided to start an affair...ummm, qualifies as scum in my opinion,) no one forced him to have sex with his wife, and he certainly could have worn a condom if he wanted to make sure he didn't become a father- really not a hard thing to do at all.

So, even if everything you stated is true...he still qualifies as scum, and OP will be so much better off without him. Hope he enjoys the lunatic.

ETA: OP has stated that the DH has already clearly stated what his choice is. There's no reason to keep making him repeat himself. She doesn't get to wait until the baby is born to decide if she wants to take care of the baby, be a mom, carry him for 9 months, and there's really no reason that he should be treated any differently. I think it's a moot however from OP has stated he's said, it seems he's very adamant about not wanting to be a part of her or the baby's life. There's absolutely no reason that OP shouldn't go back to Canada to surround herself and her baby with people that love and support them.
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Old 10-05-2012, 02:19 PM   #367
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiggeroo View Post
I have been following this and do not want to read all of the pages I've missed so I'm sorry if this is a repeat. I would not move back to Canada or give up my job. I would want to keep a good paying job so that I could be an independent single mom. I'd also want to hang on to the house as it might be easier to buy out dh then to start over. Unless you feel unsafe I'd stay put. I'd lawyer up so that you can protect your interests but I'd hang on to the job.
I agree with you. I love where I live and even though it's just myself, DH and the kids in this city; I'd keep living here if we were to ever divorce. If I moved back home, I'd be surrounded by people who love me, but I'd be miserable. OP, I'd only worry about safety issues with staying where you are, otherwise single parents do it all alone all of the time.

OP, could one or both of your parents just come down for the delivery and to help you for a little while after, and then you can decide what to do while you're on leave from your job?
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Old 10-05-2012, 02:46 PM   #368
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I agree with you. I love where I live and even though it's just myself, DH and the kids in this city; I'd keep living here if we were to ever divorce. If I moved back home, I'd be surrounded by people who love me, but I'd be miserable. OP, I'd only worry about safety issues with staying where you are, otherwise single parents do it all alone all of the time.

OP, could one or both of your parents just come down for the delivery and to help you for a little while after, and then you can decide what to do while you're on leave from your job?
If she remains in California and has the baby there, she would not likely have the ability to choose where she lives.
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Old 10-05-2012, 03:56 PM   #369
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Am I they only one who is worried that we have not heard back from the OP in a few days? Praying that she is ok.
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Old 10-05-2012, 04:06 PM   #370
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I've been worried too...been watching the thread for an update...
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Old 10-05-2012, 04:08 PM   #371
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Am I they only one who is worried that we have not heard back from the OP in a few days? Praying that she is ok.
You have to remember she is on CA time, and seeing the attorney today, so maybe she will update afterward.

I too, hope that she is coping well.
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Old 10-05-2012, 04:18 PM   #372
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I hope she is ok. She didn't say what time the appt was.
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Old 10-05-2012, 04:18 PM   #373
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You have to remember she is on CA time, and seeing the attorney today, so maybe she will update afterward.

I too, hope that she is coping well.
True, hopefully that's all it is.
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Old 10-05-2012, 09:06 PM   #374
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Hello?????? Worried about you.
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Old 10-05-2012, 11:32 PM   #375
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I too am worried we haven't heard back from her. Hope all is well.
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