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Old 10-04-2012, 06:45 PM   #346
mrsklamc
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Ok so the pill is 99% effective...that means one in 100 people will get pregnant. How many hundreds of people are having sex? Not that it matters...it's no excuse for an affair..much less with an 18 year old.
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Old 10-04-2012, 06:50 PM   #347
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Originally Posted by Halloweenqueen View Post
No flames, but I've been thinking of the poor OP's situation today.

We have made her husband out to be the scum of the Earth, but is he? Haven't we all had doubts when it comes to parenting?

Maybe the OP knew things were not going right for a long time. She didn't know about the affair, but maybe she just sensed their marriage wasn't strong. I can believe how her husband might think she intentionally got pregnant to keep him.

I'm not saying that is true. I know there are birth control failures, but the pill IS 99% effective when taken correctly.

I know many women that hoped their husbands would change with the addition of a child.

The OP stated that this affair was months of flirting before it became physical. Maybe her husband intensified his relationship with the wacko as a way of coping.

This reminds me of the movie Juno. The husband wasn't ready to settle down and be a father. He acted out and started flirting with Juno...a way to recapture his youth. He left his wife, in part, because he didn't want to take on the responsibility of having a family.

Yes, he did a terrible thing having an affair, but he is far from the devil himself.

I hope the OP gets good advice from her lawyer. Like I said before, I'm mostly concerned about the wacky girlfriend. I think the OP needs to give her husband the opportunity to formally make a choice. What he told her might have been a way to justify the affair. Maybe saying he didn't want to be a father was said out of guilt or anger.

Running away to Canada does not benefit this child. I've seen plenty of men (and women) who thought they didn't want to be a parent totally melt when their child is placed in their arms. Her husband should get the opportunity to make his choice. He is going to be financially responsible for this child. He should be able to have a say if he wants to parent him.

My mom was on the pill and used spermicidal jelly and she still got pregnant. The pill back then was stronger too. I personally know of 3 couples where either the husband or wife had surgery to prevent pregnancy and still a pregnancy resulted. With one couple both partners had surgery and the woman still got pregnant.
The pill is 99% effective, not 100% effective.
The OP said she and her husband were getting along great and they had just had a very nice trip right before he began the affair.
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Old 10-04-2012, 06:51 PM   #348
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Halloweenqueen View Post
No flames, but I've been thinking of the poor OP's situation today.

We have made her husband out to be the scum of the Earth, but is he? Haven't we all had doubts when it comes to parenting?

Maybe the OP knew things were not going right for a long time. She didn't know about the affair, but maybe she just sensed their marriage wasn't strong. I can believe how her husband might think she intentionally got pregnant to keep him.

I'm not saying that is true. I know there are birth control failures, but the pill IS 99% effective when taken correctly.

I know many women that hoped their husbands would change with the addition of a child.

The OP stated that this affair was months of flirting before it became physical. Maybe her husband intensified his relationship with the wacko as a way of coping.

This reminds me of the movie Juno. The husband wasn't ready to settle down and be a father. He acted out and started flirting with Juno...a way to recapture his youth. He left his wife, in part, because he didn't want to take on the responsibility of having a family.

Yes, he did a terrible thing having an affair, but he is far from the devil himself.

I hope the OP gets good advice from her lawyer. Like I said before, I'm mostly concerned about the wacky girlfriend. I think the OP needs to give her husband the opportunity to formally make a choice. What he told her might have been a way to justify the affair. Maybe saying he didn't want to be a father was said out of guilt or anger.

Running away to Canada does not benefit this child. I've seen plenty of men (and women) who thought they didn't want to be a parent totally melt when their child is placed in their arms. Her husband should get the opportunity to make his choice. He is going to be financially responsible for this child. He should be able to have a say if he wants to parent him.
This guy deserves nothing.
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Old 10-04-2012, 06:53 PM   #349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jujube View Post
My mom was on the pill and used spermicidal jelly and she still got pregnant. The pill back then was stronger too. I personally know of 3 couples where either the husband or wife had surgery to prevent pregnancy and still a pregnancy resulted. With one couple both partners had surgery and the woman still got pregnant.
The pill is 99% effective, not 100% effective.
The OP said she and her husband were getting along great and they had just had a very nice trip right before he began the affair.


I know a ton of condom babies, pill babies and even a few IUD babies.
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Old 10-04-2012, 06:54 PM   #350
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Originally Posted by gottaluvPluto

This guy deserves nothing.
I agree. he made his choice. wants nothing to do with the kid. why stick around? just in case he changes his mind? he deserves nothing. the sight of him would make me sick.

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Old 10-04-2012, 06:55 PM   #351
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:02 PM   #352
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OP,

Thinking of you . All of us are.

Much love,

Lisa
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:38 PM   #353
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Old 10-04-2012, 11:00 PM   #354
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Even surprise babies are still babies, and he was still a FATHER. My husband and I have three kids and the second one was during a time we were unemployed and using birth control. HE was still so happy, because it was our child. I am sorry her husband couldn't see what a blessing this child is. If he changes his mind later HE can move to Canada near her parents, where she and the baby will have support if he flakes out again.

After having a few friends go through custody issues in the last few years I have changed my thoughts. Every child deserves 2 loving parents but sometimes a parent is toxic and the other parent needs to protect themselves and their child. Both moms I know --one left, one got left. Both were left broke because of shoddy dealings (they both had bad lawyers because of money) and one lost custody (she ran because of abuse and left the state to be with her parents for support, he quickly ended up with full physical custody) The other's ex accused her of being unstable and she spent time in counseling proving the only thing wrong with her was PTSD from him, she managed to get shared custody (so he causes her problems all the time)

After that I would say protect yourself and child first. Go now, before he files to make you stay. Get your parents to fly down and drive back. (and I would cross into Canada as soon as I could) IF down the road he changes his mind he can move there or she could move back here. In the meantime she and the baby will be very far from the girlfriend (and the future girlfriends)

OP I wish you the best of luck. I hope you have local friends who will help you, I wish I could have been there more for my friends, it was hard to watch but both women are doing well now! May you come out strong on the other side!
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Old 10-05-2012, 12:34 AM   #355
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I guess my post didn't get my thoughts across correctly. I didn't mean to begin a debate on the effectiveness of birth control. I wanted to explain how I believe going to Canada might not be the best option.

Of course my heart goes out to the OP.

I just think she needs to be sure that it is crystal clear that he didn't want to be a father. Running to Canada gives the appearance that he had no say. Something I'm sure the in-laws and others will be quick to point out. I'm sure the OP doesn't want her child to hear that she was the reason her son had no relationship with his father.

I'm sure the lawyer will help with this issue. I also hope the OP talks to her parents, friends, and therapist. Making such an important decision on the advice of strangers (myself included) is dangerous.

Stay strong, OP!
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Old 10-05-2012, 05:29 AM   #356
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Good luck today, OP.
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Old 10-05-2012, 07:05 AM   #357
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Halloweenqueen View Post
I guess my post didn't get my thoughts across correctly. I didn't mean to begin a debate on the effectiveness of birth control. I wanted to explain how I believe going to Canada might not be the best option.

Of course my heart goes out to the OP.

I just think she needs to be sure that it is crystal clear that he didn't want to be a father. Running to Canada gives the appearance that he had no say. Something I'm sure the in-laws and others will be quick to point out. I'm sure the OP doesn't want her child to hear that she was the reason her son had no relationship with his father.

I'm sure the lawyer will help with this issue. I also hope the OP talks to her parents, friends, and therapist. Making such an important decision on the advice of strangers (myself included) is dangerous.

Stay strong, OP!
At this point he is with a metally ill 19yo girl. Frankly running away is the safest thing for the baby. Would you want your infant around THEM?

The baby needs to be protected at this point. The father is acting dangerous. You do not want your children around dangerous. That is how you end up in the news.
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Old 10-05-2012, 07:34 AM   #358
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Good luck today,OP.

My BIL had 4 kids with my sister. 4. He told his oldest he had not been happy for decades. "Decades." She's 23. So, she did the math and asked, "Then why'd you have 4 kids?" "Because your mom liked being pregnant." WTH??

Even if that was close to the truth, why would you tell your child that?

OP, listen to what your husband has told you. Hear his words for what they mean. He is old enough to be able to speak what he feels and when he does, believe him--

People have doubts very often on becoming a parent--you doubt and ponder and move forward--not have an affair. His actions speak even LOUDER than his words. Listen to him. Believe him.

And stay strong and prepare to move on. If you stay with a man who could do this to you now, I can almost promise that you'll suffer more heartache later.
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Old 10-05-2012, 07:39 AM   #359
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Good luck today,OP.

My BIL had 4 kids with my sister. 4. He told his oldest he had not been happy for decades. "Decades." She's 23. So, she did the math and asked, "Then why'd you have 4 kids?" "Because your mom liked being pregnant." WTH??

Even if that was close to the truth, why would you tell your child that?

OP, listen to what your husband has told you. Hear his words for what they mean. He is old enough to be able to speak what he feels and when he does, believe him--

People have doubts very often on becoming a parent--you doubt and ponder and move forward--not have an affair. His actions speak even LOUDER than his words. Listen to him. Believe him.


And stay strong and prepare to move on. If you stay with a man who could do this to you now, I can almost promise that you'll suffer more heartache later.
So true for so many situations.
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Old 10-05-2012, 07:41 AM   #360
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Halloweenqueen View Post
I guess my post didn't get my thoughts across correctly. I didn't mean to begin a debate on the effectiveness of birth control. I wanted to explain how I believe going to Canada might not be the best option.

Of course my heart goes out to the OP.

I just think she needs to be sure that it is crystal clear that he didn't want to be a father. Running to Canada gives the appearance that he had no say. Something I'm sure the in-laws and others will be quick to point out. I'm sure the OP doesn't want her child to hear that she was the reason her son had no relationship with his father.

I'm sure the lawyer will help with this issue. I also hope the OP talks to her parents, friends, and therapist. Making such an important decision on the advice of strangers (myself included) is dangerous.

Stay strong, OP!
Her husband has made it crystal clear he doesn't want to be a father, by both his words and his actions.
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