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Old 10-04-2012, 12:59 PM   #331
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FMLA doesn't kick in until you've been employed there for a year. I would still go to Canada, but can't count on the job being there due to FLMA.
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Old 10-04-2012, 01:03 PM   #332
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With the mention of the husband "signing away his rights", I thought I would caution the OP that it's not a simple action.

All states have different rules regarding relinquishing parental rights. One thing that tends to be common is that a judge will usually not allow a parent to do so without some kind of extreme reason, like the state is moving to terminate the rights anyway due to abuse and neglect. Since the action was being taken anyway, the parent can choose to do it voluntarily instead of going to trial. This can be done in a private trial, as well, but the standards to terminate are still imposed.

In California, termination of rights are NOT granted due to custody or support issues, even if both parents say they want it. The courts will not deny the child a parent under those circumstances. There must be another willing to step in and adopt the child, such as step-parent adoption.

Voluntarily relinquishing the father's rights is not an option for this couple.

OP, you can file to terminate his rights, after the child is born, under the following conditions. Your legal fees could be substantial, however.

Reunification services need not be provided to a parent when the court finds, by clear and convincing evidence, any of the following:

The whereabouts of the parent is unknown.
The parent is suffering from a mental disability that renders him or her incapable of utilizing those services.
The child or a sibling of the child had been removed from the custody of his or her parent as a result of an adjudication of dependency due to physical or sexual abuse, the child had been returned to the custody of the parent, and the child is being removed again due to additional physical or sexual abuse.
The parent has caused the death of another child through abuse or neglect.
The parent has subjected the child under age 5 to severe physical abuse.
The child has been adjudicated a dependent as a result of severe sexual abuse or the infliction of severe physical harm to the child, a sibling, or a half-sibling by a parent, and the court finds that it would not benefit the child to pursue reunification services with the offending parent or guardian.

A finding that reunification services shall not be offered, the whereabouts of a parent have been unknown for 6 months, the parent has failed to visit or contact the child for 6 months, the parent has been convicted of a felony indicating parental unfitness, or the court has continued to remove the child from the custody of the parent or guardian and has terminated reunification services, shall constitute a sufficient basis for termination of parental rights.


This is for California. Getting Canada involved creates a whole new dimension to the issue.
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Old 10-04-2012, 01:10 PM   #333
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Originally Posted by mrsklamc View Post
FMLA doesn't kick in until you've been employed there for a year. I would still go to Canada, but can't count on the job being there due to FLMA.
Well, I only mentioned FLMA for a way to ease into going to Canada. Some people need to take small steps while still feeling connected to something. For example, if she could use the FLMA then she would still feel connected to having a job that she could go back to if she wanted it.

Anyway, I hope she goes to Canada (and stays there) because in the long run it will be better for her and the baby.
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Old 10-04-2012, 01:44 PM   #334
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I know that I am stirring it, but I would tell crazy chick's parents and his parents as well. Not the popular choice. JMHO.
I would WANT to however I would not because you have to look out for yourself and your baby. The 'girl gone wild' is an adult and she has to live with the consequences of her actions.

Sometimes you need to sit back and "see" how your spouse and the cheating party behave. Better to be a ninja right now.

They will be expecting OP to "lash out" and frankly let's face it, that is part of the "excitement" of the affair. So, looking at it that way, ignoring their shenanigans is probably in your best interest until you are safely out of the house.

Then you document, document, document and plan for an escape route.
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Old 10-04-2012, 03:19 PM   #335
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Just checking in For an update from OP. I hope everything is OK.
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Old 10-04-2012, 03:21 PM   #336
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Just checking in For an update from OP. I hope everything is OK.
I think we're all anxiously waiting to hear what her lawyer has to say tomorrow.
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Old 10-04-2012, 03:24 PM   #337
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I think we're all anxiously waiting to hear what her lawyer has to say tomorrow.
I know I am.
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Old 10-04-2012, 03:38 PM   #338
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Originally Posted by goofyintoronto View Post
I think we're all anxiously waiting to hear what her lawyer has to say tomorrow.
Same here. Sending thoughts and prayers to you OP. It will get better!
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Old 10-04-2012, 06:51 PM   #339
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Good luck tomorrow OP. I have been thinking of you and your precious little one.. stay strong..
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:23 PM   #340
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No flames, but I've been thinking of the poor OP's situation today.

We have made her husband out to be the scum of the Earth, but is he? Haven't we all had doubts when it comes to parenting?

Maybe the OP knew things were not going right for a long time. She didn't know about the affair, but maybe she just sensed their marriage wasn't strong. I can believe how her husband might think she intentionally got pregnant to keep him.

I'm not saying that is true. I know there are birth control failures, but the pill IS 99% effective when taken correctly.

I know many women that hoped their husbands would change with the addition of a child.

The OP stated that this affair was months of flirting before it became physical. Maybe her husband intensified his relationship with the wacko as a way of coping.

This reminds me of the movie Juno. The husband wasn't ready to settle down and be a father. He acted out and started flirting with Juno...a way to recapture his youth. He left his wife, in part, because he didn't want to take on the responsibility of having a family.

Yes, he did a terrible thing having an affair, but he is far from the devil himself.

I hope the OP gets good advice from her lawyer. Like I said before, I'm mostly concerned about the wacky girlfriend. I think the OP needs to give her husband the opportunity to formally make a choice. What he told her might have been a way to justify the affair. Maybe saying he didn't want to be a father was said out of guilt or anger.

Running away to Canada does not benefit this child. I've seen plenty of men (and women) who thought they didn't want to be a parent totally melt when their child is placed in their arms. Her husband should get the opportunity to make his choice. He is going to be financially responsible for this child. He should be able to have a say if he wants to parent him.
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:27 PM   #341
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Good luck tomorrow with the Lawyer
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:28 PM   #342
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Halloweenqueen View Post
No flames, but I've been thinking of the poor OP's situation today.

We have made her husband out to be the scum of the Earth, but is he? Haven't we all had doubts when it comes to parenting?

Maybe the OP knew things were not going right for a long time. She didn't know about the affair, but maybe she just sensed their marriage wasn't strong. I can believe how her husband might think she intentionally got pregnant to keep him.

I'm not saying that is true. I know there are birth control failures, but the pill IS 99% effective when taken correctly.

I know many women that hoped their husbands would change with the addition of a child.

The OP stated that this affair was months of flirting before it became physical. Maybe her husband intensified his relationship with the wacko as a way of coping.

This reminds me of the movie Juno. The husband wasn't ready to settle down and be a father. He acted out and started flirting with Juno...a way to recapture his youth. He left his wife, in part, because he didn't want to take on the responsibility of having a family.

Yes, he did a terrible thing having an affair, but he is far from the devil himself.

I hope the OP gets good advice from her lawyer. Like I said before, I'm mostly concerned about the wacky girlfriend. I think the OP needs to give her husband the opportunity to formally make a choice. What he told her might have been a way to justify the affair. Maybe saying he didn't want to be a father was said out of guilt or anger.

Running away to Canada does not benefit this child. I've seen plenty of men (and women) who thought they didn't want to be a parent totally melt when their child is placed in their arms. Her husband should get the opportunity to make his choice. He is going to be financially responsible for this child. He should be able to have a say if he wants to parent him.
Alrighty then......
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:36 PM   #343
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Alrighty then......
Don't drink the coolaid!
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:37 PM   #344
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OP, you've been on my mind ever since you first posted. I hope you're doing ok. Know you've got a lot of people here for support when you need it.

This should be such a joyful and happy time for you, expecting the arrival of your little one. I feel terrible your joy has been displaced by something heartbreaking.

Good luck to you tomorrow in your meeting with the lawyer. Your priority now is you and your precious little one.
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:41 PM   #345
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Originally Posted by Halloweenqueen View Post
No flames, but I've been thinking of the poor OP's situation today.

We have made her husband out to be the scum of the Earth, but is he? Haven't we all had doubts when it comes to parenting?

Maybe the OP knew things were not going right for a long time. She didn't know about the affair, but maybe she just sensed their marriage wasn't strong. I can believe how her husband might think she intentionally got pregnant to keep him.

I'm not saying that is true. I know there are birth control failures, but the pill IS 99% effective when taken correctly.

I know many women that hoped their husbands would change with the addition of a child.

The OP stated that this affair was months of flirting before it became physical. Maybe her husband intensified his relationship with the wacko as a way of coping.

This reminds me of the movie Juno. The husband wasn't ready to settle down and be a father. He acted out and started flirting with Juno...a way to recapture his youth. He left his wife, in part, because he didn't want to take on the responsibility of having a family.

Yes, he did a terrible thing having an affair, but he is far from the devil himself.

I hope the OP gets good advice from her lawyer. Like I said before, I'm mostly concerned about the wacky girlfriend. I think the OP needs to give her husband the opportunity to formally make a choice. What he told her might have been a way to justify the affair. Maybe saying he didn't want to be a father was said out of guilt or anger.

Running away to Canada does not benefit this child. I've seen plenty of men (and women) who thought they didn't want to be a parent totally melt when their child is placed in their arms. Her husband should get the opportunity to make his choice. He is going to be financially responsible for this child. He should be able to have a say if he wants to parent him.
I disagree. When you husband cheats on you feel free to justify his behaviour all you want. He's a jerk. Your insinuation that the OP intentionally got pregnant in order to trap her husband in a marriage she felt like he was getting ready to leave is extremely insulting.
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