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Old 09-30-2012, 11:26 PM   #211
LittleMissMagic
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Originally Posted by wdwmom0f3 View Post
OK, I have a 19 year old DD and if someone came to me and told me that she was dating a 29 year old man who was married and had a baby due in a few months I would be livid with my DD. I would also tell her that if he would do this to his wife, then he would also do it to you. I would do everything I could to show that this is wrong on so many levels and I would not approve of it.
Something tells me that if this 19-year-old girl is a nut job, her parents probably aren't far from it. I would think that something had to have gone wrong in her upbringing for her to think that it was okay to have relations with a married man who is significantly older than her. So going to the parents of the girl could potentially be just as dangerous... maybe even more of a threat.
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Old 10-01-2012, 12:30 AM   #212
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Don't confront, leave. Go home to your parents. The girl sounds like a nutcase and could be dangerous. Your husband's judgment is flawed. No one there is looking out for either you or your baby.
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Old 10-01-2012, 06:56 AM   #213
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Originally Posted by MrsPete View Post
Health-related concerns

- Your health and the baby must come before anything else. Be sure you're eating well, getting some mild exercise every day, keeping up with your doctor's visits.

- I'd say check with your OB/GYN to see what your options are for having the baby here /going back to Canada. He will know the ins and outs of the insurance, etc. You say your parents are retired /financially comfortable. Perhaps they would come stay with you here instead of you going to them. That'd allow you to remain with your doctor, to know that your insurance will be in place, etc. I know that I would drop everything to go to my daughter, if she were in such a situation, and I can't imagine your husband wouldn't go running to a hotel if his father-in-law were in the house under these conditions.

- Talk to your husband about whether he intends to be present for the baby's birth. Yes, he's been cruel to you, but this is still his child. Returning cruelty for cruelty has never, ever led to anything good. It would be awful to refuse to allow him to be there, if he wants to share in it. If you refuse to let him take part, you can never get that moment back for him, and he may throw it in your face: "Why should I pay child support when you wouldn't even allow me in the hospital?" Let it be his choice.

- At the same time, make a back-up plan. In fact, even if he is there, it'd be good to have your mom or a good friend present. Who would take you to the hospital, stay with you in the weeks while you recover IF he doesn't want any part of the birth?

- Although your husband says he didn't sleep with her, do have your doctor run tests for STDs. Better to know than not to know.

Legal concerns

- You should be afraid of this girl. She's unstable. At the very least, get a restraining order against her, and keep your phone with you day and night.

- I don't think it's even remotely possible to divorce your husband before this baby arrives, so that concern is completely off the table. Plus, your child support options are stronger if you're married at the time of the birth.

- If it comes to divorce, be sure that you nail down child support, visitation, etc. through the courts. Have the payments deducted from his pay; don't agree to manage the payments between the two of you. Even fathers who agree that they'll "just keep things friendly" often change their tune as time goes on, especially if they remarry and have more children. Do not settle for less than your child deserves.

- Having said that, I'm not ready to jump on the "divorce the jerk" bandwagon just yet. That's our society's first action these days: Someone has wronged me -- he must pay! Who wins? No one.

How was your relationship prior to your discovery of the affair? If it was good, do everything you can to reconcile. It's not just about you -- it's about your son too. He will be better off in numerous ways if he can be raised in a home with two biological parents. I'm not saying make yourself a doormat or allow him to mistreat you and your son. I am saying don't jump into divorce until you KNOW that you've done every last thing you can do to try to avoid divorce. Take it from a child of divorce,divorce isn't a solution. It's trading one set of problems for another set of problems. If you can come to an agreement, if you can find some of what was good before, leave no stone unturned. IF it comes to divorce in the long run, you'll feel better knowing that you did everything possible to work things out; when the hard times come (and they will), you'll know that you didn't run to divorce as a first-resort.

- You would be wise to visit a lawyer FOR ADVICE ONLY. Find out what your legal options are IF it comes to divorce. I suspect that if it comes to that, you will be in the driver's seat. You are the wronged party. You have evidence of the affair /the girl's nastiness through the texts (give the lawyer a copy of those texts). Courts do not take nicely to men who behave this way, and I feel sure you'd get half the marital assets plus a fair child support payment.

Emotional concerns

- Someone else mentioned giving it up to God. Excellent advice. If you don't have a pastor to whom you can turn, this might be the time to seek one out. You cannot control your husband's choices -- he has free will -- but you may be able to find peace with a difficult situation, knowing that you didn't deserve this and didn't cause it to happen.

- Talk to the girl's parents -- you have no reason to shield her or them. She's a legal adult and can make her own choices, but as the mother of an 18-year old, I would want to know. I would be devestated, but I would rather know than not know. Her behavior is reason for huge concerns, and I would involve myself immediately.


And good luck.
Good gravy, I sure hope this isn't the advice you'd give your 2 daughters if they came to you with a similar situation.
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Old 10-01-2012, 07:08 AM   #214
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Someone stated that maybe OPs husband wouldn't be the first person to act crazy after an unexpected pregnancy. Please note, his inappropriate relationship started months prior to the pregnancy.
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Old 10-01-2012, 07:39 AM   #215
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I dont have any new advie just a hug.

Good luck with the lawyer and doctor today. I hope they give you all the guidance you need to make the right decisions.
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:40 AM   #216
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Coming into this late, but big, big hugs for you! I agree with the majority here and think you should move back to Canada as quickly as possible and focus on the upcoming birth of your little one. I hope your lawyer and doctor have reassuring words for you today. Be strong and take care.
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:43 AM   #217
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaraJayne View Post
Good gravy, I sure hope this isn't the advice you'd give your 2 daughters if they came to you with a similar situation.
No kidding!!! I cannot believe the advice. Just wow.
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Old 10-01-2012, 10:55 AM   #218
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I've read since you originally posted and figured you've had enough voices to support you through this horrendous time. But regardless felt so sad.

Tonight I felt I needed to share a few thoughts with you - I'm hoping some might help you through this awful time.

I'm so incredibly sorry for that you're going through.

Your husband is a totally different animal from someone who makes a horrendous mistake and has an affair (yes I know many here feel that affairs are way more than a mistake.)

Your husband. Sighing. He's shown his character. And it's not redeeming in any way. Way beyond an affair. Way beyond. And don't blame yourself for loving him for one moment. I've heard many times that this type of person can be the most charming and can fool with ease.

So I guess I wanted you to know as an outsider - although I am so incredibly saddened to the amount of pain you are suffering - I am also feeling something else:

I'm feeling that you're lucky and blessed and it's impossible for you to see that through all - of course it is - you love him and are in pain.

But years from now - maybe even a shorter time period - you'll realize how lucky you were to see his full colours before life went too far with marriage and trust and other children. Can you imagine what if you never found out and you gave years to him? You're young. You're bright. You'll have a child that will not have to grow up on a regular basis with a man that I'm just going to say it - and this has nothing to do with cheating at all - would probably have been an absolutely awful father - an awful man to mirror or look to. Yes people can change but I suspect he never would or could.

So smile for your baby. Your baby won't know the loss because it will simply be their life. But you'll always know the gain of that man not fathering your child on a regular basis. I know that sounds harsh - and I'm a person who sees good in human beings and hope and believes that fathers are greatly underestimated in a child's life. But I believe it's true in your case - your baby is blessed to be out this soon.

And I believe you are as well. I know - hard through the shock and pain.

You know what I love on the DIS. There are many people that seem to have really beautiful second marriages - second chapters in their lives - after being incredibly hurt. Wink at you.

All the best to you in whatever you choose. And please know that despite my thoughts I can only imagine what pain you're going through - please see yourself as the mother already (as you are and do!) and do whatever you need to protect your child. I find myself worried for a stranger on the DIS - so please take care of yourself with your decisions. I bet your parents will be on the next flight or will get you to get on the next flight (if the doctor says it's okay) - either way I pray you're surrounded by your loved ones ASAP.

Lisa
Wow, beautiful post.

OP, I really give you a lot of credit, you seem to have your head on straight when your DH went completely off his rocker. Hugs to you and your unborn son.
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Old 10-01-2012, 11:47 AM   #219
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Thinking of you (OP) today and hoping your two appointments go well for you.

Hugs and stay strong..
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:11 PM   #220
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I hope everything went well today! I also hope you were able to talk to your parents.
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:20 PM   #221
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Prayers that all goes well today...
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:36 PM   #222
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleMissMagic View Post
Something tells me that if this 19-year-old girl is a nut job, her parents probably aren't far from it. I would think that something had to have gone wrong in her upbringing for her to think that it was okay to have relations with a married man who is significantly older than her. So going to the parents of the girl could potentially be just as dangerous... maybe even more of a threat.
I agree. The apple don't fall far from the tree, and since the girls mom is a friend of her DH it could get dangerous. We don't really know what her friendship is with him. She could have talked him into dating her daughter for all we know. People are absolutely crazy.
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Good gravy, I sure hope this isn't the advice you'd give your 2 daughters if they came to you with a similar situation.
I was thinking the same thing. No way would I give some of that advise to my girls.

Quote:
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I dont have any new advie just a hug.

Good luck with the lawyer and doctor today. I hope they give you all the guidance you need to make the right decisions.
Yes!! Big hugs from me today!! Today may be hard but you can do this. You have to, for you and for your son. You both deserve a better life than this. I have been praying for you.
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:53 PM   #223
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Last edited by LilKiki; 10-01-2012 at 03:39 PM.
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Old 10-01-2012, 02:47 PM   #224
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Prayers that your appointments are going great for you, your little man is doing great, and you find the strength you need to keep you two safe and healthy.

p.s. The mom in me begs you to please tell your parents soon. If I was your parent, I would want to help you, not feel obligated.
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Last edited by Shmily1; 10-01-2012 at 03:02 PM. Reason: corrected spelling of "two"
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Old 10-01-2012, 03:08 PM   #225
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p.s. The mom in me begs you to please tell your parents soon. If I was your parent, I would want to help you, not feel obligated.
Me too! I would hope if either of my DDs were in a situation like this they would let me know, and I would want to go get them and bring them home right away.

You parents will want to help you. Give them a chance to be there for you. I know DH and I are looking forward to those retirement years and travel, but we would not enjoy ourselves at all knowing one of our girls is in a crisis and we would rather help her through it then to go on a trip.
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