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Old 09-30-2012, 06:07 PM   #196
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Originally Posted by TRK0011 View Post
I don't really have much new to add, but I haven't told anyone else yet (talk to the parents tomorrow after they get back from vacation) so you guys are my only outlet.

For the poster who asked, I was born in Canada and lived there until I was 21. So I would assume my baby would be eligible for Canadian citizenship, even if he were born in the US. I'll add that to my list of things to look into though. I did some googling last night and as far as I can tell, the area my parents live in requires 90 days residency in order to qualify for the free healthcare. I need to investigate further to see if there are times that can be waived, and, if not, what healthcare would cost me there for a few months versus here.

DH is still in the guest room. I spoke to him once yesterday to mention that this girl was still texting me - he said that he had asked her to stop, and that she says she's not texting me, that if I'm getting texts someone must have hacked into her phone and sent them pretending to be her. That is so ridiculous I don't have a response for it. I asked if he actually believed her and he said no, but he told her he did believe her because he didn't want to fight with her. He did say he was sorry she was doing it, and offered to download a program to block the messages, but I declined. I don't believe for a second he's sorry she's doing it, and I still can't believe he could want to be with someone so horrible.

My appointment with the attorney is tomorrow - I'm going alone but I'll take a notepad with questions I want to ask and I'll be sure to take lots of notes. My Dr appointment is also tomorrow, so I'll be able to find out if I can fly and see if the baby is coping OK in there given how stressed I am. He's wiggling away like crazy, so I assume he's fine, but it would make me feel better just to check.

I know some people have said not to make any rash decisions, and I am trying to think clearly, but I'm worried if I start thinking about this too much, I'll end up wanting to forgive him and try again. As it is I'm wondering where I'm going to get the strength to actually leave if it turns out that is an option. It's amazing how someone can hurt you so much, and you can be so angry with them for the way they've behaved, and yet you still love them.

Thank you guys all so much for all the advice and support you've given me so far - it really has kept me focused and kept me going the last couple of days. I'll be sure to update tomorrow with reports from the Dr and attorney as to what my next steps should be.
The reason many of us bring up the baby's citizenship is mainly to see if that would block or cause problems in your DH trying to get custody of your baby. The more road blocks you put in his way, the less he (and your MIL,) may be willing to legally or financially fight you over your baby out of spite.


Another question to bring up to your lawyer, just so you get clear facts in on the matter of the house, especially if DH does not sell for years. I knew someone who left the house they both jointly owned. Both names were on the deed. Several years later, when the DH was finally ready to sell the house, he tried to pull this stunt and claim that his DW not only abandoned the marriage, but abandoned the house and she no longer had claims to it. So all the money and ownership should go to him.

After her lawyer peeled himself up off the floor, laughing so hard, he informed her that one can't "abandon" real estate property. It's not like leaving a possession at the side of the road.

For example: DH and the girlfriend may up and decide to move to Acapulco, leaving the house and everything behind, to chase the high life. Even if you haven't lived there for years, the city and banks will go after YOU for any taxes & mortgage owed on the house & property if you are named on the deed. Again, one can't "abandon" real estate property. But, you should bring this up with the lawyer to hear it from him.
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Old 09-30-2012, 06:34 PM   #197
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Originally Posted by lizabu View Post
ITA. What on earth would the parents of a 19 y/o woman be expected to do if someone tattled on her anyway? Ground her? I'm sorry but it's a ridiculous suggestion. The suggestion to stay with a man who doesn't love her or resepect her and doesn't want the baby that she is already 7 months pregnant with is ridiculous too. It's not like they just found out shes pregnant and he's dealing with the shock of the news. She's 7 months along. It takes a special type of person to be that cold. And she's supposed to just make it work for the sake of the child? Sick.
OK, I have a 19 year old DD and if someone came to me and told me that she was dating a 29 year old man who was married and had a baby due in a few months I would be livid with my DD. I would also tell her that if he would do this to his wife, then he would also do it to you. I would do everything I could to show that this is wrong on so many levels and I would not approve of it.

Even if that girl did back out of the relationship, and for some reason the guy did come back into the picture, he has already shown who he is and it's not pretty. There is no way in hell I would take him back. EVER! I would never be able to trust him again.
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Old 09-30-2012, 06:34 PM   #198
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I just thought of something. The OP had health insurance now. Wouldn't she be covered by it even if she went to Canada?
Depends on the health insurance.

There are private insurers in Canada. OP, you can check out Blue Cross.

With regards to the Canadian citizenship for the baby: If the baby is born in Canada or the U.S., it will have Canadian citizenship. Doesn't matter. It does matter for the baby's future children. If the baby is born in the U.S., the baby's children will only have Canadian citizenship if they are born in Canada. If both the baby and his future children are born outside Canada, the future children will not have citizenship automatically.
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Old 09-30-2012, 06:45 PM   #199
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Originally Posted by wdwmom0f3 View Post
OK, I have a 19 year old DD and if someone came to me and told me that she was dating a 29 year old man who was married and had a baby due in a few months I would be livid with my DD. I would also tell her that if he would do this to his wife, then he would also do it to you. I would do everything I could to show that this is wrong on so many levels and I would not approve of it.

Even if that girl did back out of the relationship, and for some reason the guy did come back into the picture, he has already shown who he is and it's not pretty. There is no way in hell I would take him back. EVER! I would never be able to trust him again.
You would and I would but I can promise you that not all moms would be upset. I would not believe it if I had not experienced it for myself.
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:15 PM   #200
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Originally Posted by TRK0011 View Post
I just wanted to clarify - it's not that I want to stay and forgive him, or that I think I will. I know in my heart leaving him is my only option - not only does he not want to work things out, but after the things he's said and done, I just don't see how I could trust him again.

I just wonder where I'll get the strength from to leave, I mean to actually pack up my life here and move thousands of miles back home. It seems terrifying right now. That's why I'm trying not to think about this too much - I want to make decisions based on my head, not my heart. If I deal with the practical elements of leaving, I don't have to think too much about the emotional aspects of it.

When I first found out about the affair, I asked DH (BTW the D stands for something very different right now...) how he could do this. His response was that he was just trying to make himself happy - the more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. His quest for happiness has come at the expense of so many other peoples. I don't understand how someone can be that selfish.
I've read since you originally posted and figured you've had enough voices to support you through this horrendous time. But regardless felt so sad.

Tonight I felt I needed to share a few thoughts with you - I'm hoping some might help you through this awful time.

I'm so incredibly sorry for that you're going through.

Your husband is a totally different animal from someone who makes a horrendous mistake and has an affair (yes I know many here feel that affairs are way more than a mistake.)

Your husband. Sighing. He's shown his character. And it's not redeeming in any way. Way beyond an affair. Way beyond. And don't blame yourself for loving him for one moment. I've heard many times that this type of person can be the most charming and can fool with ease.

So I guess I wanted you to know as an outsider - although I am so incredibly saddened to the amount of pain you are suffering - I am also feeling something else:

I'm feeling that you're lucky and blessed and it's impossible for you to see that through all - of course it is - you love him and are in pain.

But years from now - maybe even a shorter time period - you'll realize how lucky you were to see his full colours before life went too far with marriage and trust and other children. Can you imagine what if you never found out and you gave years to him? You're young. You're bright. You'll have a child that will not have to grow up on a regular basis with a man that I'm just going to say it - and this has nothing to do with cheating at all - would probably have been an absolutely awful father - an awful man to mirror or look to. Yes people can change but I suspect he never would or could.

So smile for your baby. Your baby won't know the loss because it will simply be their life. But you'll always know the gain of that man not fathering your child on a regular basis. I know that sounds harsh - and I'm a person who sees good in human beings and hope and believes that fathers are greatly underestimated in a child's life. But I believe it's true in your case - your baby is blessed to be out this soon.

And I believe you are as well. I know - hard through the shock and pain.

You know what I love on the DIS. There are many people that seem to have really beautiful second marriages - second chapters in their lives - after being incredibly hurt. Wink at you.

All the best to you in whatever you choose. And please know that despite my thoughts I can only imagine what pain you're going through - please see yourself as the mother already (as you are and do!) and do whatever you need to protect your child. I find myself worried for a stranger on the DIS - so please take care of yourself with your decisions. I bet your parents will be on the next flight or will get you to get on the next flight (if the doctor says it's okay) - either way I pray you're surrounded by your loved ones ASAP.

Lisa
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:26 PM   #201
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lisaviolet

I've read since you originally posted and figured you've had enough voices to support you through this horrendous time. But regardless felt so sad.

Tonight I felt I needed to share a few thoughts with you - I'm hoping some might help you through this awful time.

I'm so incredibly sorry for that you're going through.

Your husband is a totally different animal from someone who makes a horrendous mistake and has an affair (yes I know many here feel that it's way more than a mistake - got it ).

Your husband. Sighing. He's shown his character. And it's not redeeming in any way. Way beyond an affair. Way beyond. And don't blame yourself for loving him for one moment. I've heard many times that this type of person can be the most charming and can fool with ease.

So I guess I wanted you to know as an outsider - although I am so incredibly saddened to the amount of pain you are suffering - I am also feeling something else:

I'm feeling that you're lucky and blessed and it's impossible for you to see that through all - of course it is - you love him and are in pain.

But years from now - maybe even a shorter time period - you'll realize it how lucky you were to see his full colours before life went too far with marriage and trust and other children. Can you imagine what if you never found out and you gave years to him? You're young. You're bright. You have a son that will not have to grow up on a regular basis with a man that I'm just going to say it - and this has nothing to do with cheating - would probably have been an absolutely awful father - an awful man to mirror or look to. Yes people can change but I suspect he never would or could.

So smile for your baby. Your baby won't know the loss. But you'll always know the gain of that man not fathering your child on a regular basis. I know that sounds harsh - and I'm a person who sees good in human beings and hope and believes that fathers are greatly underestimated in a child's life. But I believe it's true in your case - your baby is blessed to be out this soon.

You know what I love on the DIS. There are many people that seem to have really beautiful second marriages - second chapters in their lives - after being incredibly hurt. Wink at you.

All the best to you in whatever you choose. And please know that despite my thoughts I can only imagine what pain you're going through - please see yourself as the mother already (as you are and do!) and do whatever you need to protect your child.

Lisa
Nicely said. ...and I totally agree. ((Hugs)) OP!!
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:37 PM   #202
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Sorry to hear this but handwriting is on the wall and the quicker you head back to Canada and your family the better off you are...IMO. having been thru this many years ago and ended up with two kids to support on my own all their life.. the ex' stories were with his tears flowing always good and lots of drama he had but wears ya out. but ya got to get out for you.
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:37 PM   #203
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lisaviolet View Post
I've read since you originally posted and figured you've had enough voices to support you through this horrendous time. But regardless felt so sad.

Tonight I felt I needed to share a few thoughts with you - I'm hoping some might help you through this awful time.

I'm so incredibly sorry for that you're going through.

Your husband is a totally different animal from someone who makes a horrendous mistake and has an affair (yes I know many here feel that affairs are way more than a mistake.)

Your husband. Sighing. He's shown his character. And it's not redeeming in any way. Way beyond an affair. Way beyond. And don't blame yourself for loving him for one moment. I've heard many times that this type of person can be the most charming and can fool with ease.

So I guess I wanted you to know as an outsider - although I am so incredibly saddened to the amount of pain you are suffering - I am also feeling something else:

I'm feeling that you're lucky and blessed and it's impossible for you to see that through all - of course it is - you love him and are in pain.

But years from now - maybe even a shorter time period - you'll realize how lucky you were to see his full colours before life went too far with marriage and trust and other children. Can you imagine what if you never found out and you gave years to him? You're young. You're bright. You'll have a child that will not have to grow up on a regular basis with a man that I'm just going to say it - and this has nothing to do with cheating at all - would probably have been an absolutely awful father - an awful man to mirror or look to. Yes people can change but I suspect he never would or could.

So smile for your baby. Your baby won't know the loss because it will simply be their life. But you'll always know the gain of that man not fathering your child on a regular basis. I know that sounds harsh - and I'm a person who sees good in human beings and hope and believes that fathers are greatly underestimated in a child's life. But I believe it's true in your case - your baby is blessed to be out this soon.

And I believe you are as well. I know - hard through the shock and pain.

You know what I love on the DIS. There are many people that seem to have really beautiful second marriages - second chapters in their lives - after being incredibly hurt. Wink at you.

All the best to you in whatever you choose. And please know that despite my thoughts I can only imagine what pain you're going through - please see yourself as the mother already (as you are and do!) and do whatever you need to protect your child. I find myself worried for a stranger on the DIS - so please take care of yourself with your decisions. I bet your parents will be on the next flight or will get you to get on the next flight (if the doctor says it's okay) - either way I pray you're surrounded by your loved ones ASAP.

Lisa

This is one of the wisest, kindest, most compassionate, thoughtful posts I have read on the DIS.

And DITTO about the people here who are in incredibly great second marriages. As crazy as the DIS can be about thoughts, lifestyles, opinions, and the outrageous posts where we say, "Only on the DIS, ," the people who have shared over & over again how they found real love the second time around or late in life, and are so family and marriage oriented, always gives me great hope.
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Old 09-30-2012, 08:10 PM   #204
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Originally Posted by MrsPete View Post
Health-related concerns

-- Talk to your husband about whether he intends to be present for the baby's birth. Yes, he's been cruel to you, but this is still his child. Returning cruelty for cruelty has never, ever led to anything good. It would be awful to refuse to allow him to be there, if he wants to share in it. If you refuse to let him take part, you can never get that moment back for him, and he may throw it in your face: "Why should I pay child support when you wouldn't even allow me in the hospital?" Let it be his choice.

- At the same time, make a back-up plan. In fact, even if he is there, it'd be good to have your mom or a good friend present. Who would take you to the hospital, stay with you in the weeks while you recover IF he doesn't want any part of the birth?

- Although your husband says he didn't sleep with her, do have your doctor run tests for STDs. Better to know than not to know.

Legal concerns

- You should be afraid of this girl. She's unstable. At the very least, get a restraining order against her, and keep your phone with you day and night.

- I don't think it's even remotely possible to divorce your husband before this baby arrives, so that concern is completely off the table. Plus, your child support options are stronger if you're married at the time of the birth.

- If it comes to divorce, be sure that you nail down child support, visitation, etc. through the courts. Have the payments deducted from his pay; don't agree to manage the payments between the two of you. Even fathers who agree that they'll "just keep things friendly" often change their tune as time goes on, especially if they remarry and have more children. Do not settle for less than your child deserves.

- Having said that, I'm not ready to jump on the "divorce the jerk" bandwagon just yet. That's our society's first action these days: Someone has wronged me -- he must pay! Who wins? No one.
How was your relationship prior to your discovery of the affair? If it was good, do everything you can to reconcile. It's not just about you -- it's about your son too. He will be better off in numerous ways if he can be raised in a home with two biological parents. I'm not saying make yourself a doormat or allow him to mistreat you and your son. I am saying don't jump into divorce until you KNOW that you've done every last thing you can do to try to avoid divorce. Take it from a child of divorce,divorce isn't a solution. It's trading one set of problems for another set of problems. If you can come to an agreement, if you can find some of what was good before, leave no stone unturned. IF it comes to divorce in the long run, you'll feel better knowing that you did everything possible to work things out; when the hard times come (and they will), you'll know that you didn't run to divorce as a first-resort.

- You would be wise to visit a lawyer FOR ADVICE ONLY. Find out what your legal options are IF it comes to divorce. I suspect that if it comes to that, you will be in the driver's seat. You are the wronged party. You have evidence of the affair /the girl's nastiness through the texts (give the lawyer a copy of those texts). Courts do not take nicely to men who behave this way, and I feel sure you'd get half the marital assets plus a fair child support payment.

Emotional concerns

- Someone else mentioned giving it up to God. Excellent advice. If you don't have a pastor to whom you can turn, this might be the time to seek one out. You cannot control your husband's choices -- he has free will -- but you may be able to find peace with a difficult situation, knowing that you didn't deserve this and didn't cause it to happen.

- Talk to the girl's parents -- you have no reason to shield her or them. She's a legal adult and can make her own choices, but as the mother of an 18-year old, I would want to know. I would be devestated, but I would rather know than not know. Her behavior is reason for huge concerns, and I would involve myself immediately.
And good luck.
Wow- this has to be the worst advice I have ever seen given on these boards- and that is saying a lot !!! Sure lets continue to stay married to a cheater, cause you know that they wont ever cheat again after they cheat once - come on! Once a cheater always a cheater! And to actually let the cheater in the delivery room , why not invite the girlfriend and maybe her parents to!
OP- go to see a lawyer and get things rolling, the sooner he is out of your life the better- your child doesn't need to grow up with his father setting that kind of example for him! Better off growing up with a single parent than a jerk for a father.
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Old 09-30-2012, 08:48 PM   #205
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Originally Posted by MrsPete View Post
The doctor knows who on his staff takes care of insurance. He can get her an absolute, correct answer for her specific insurance. He is the right starting point.
100% incorrect. All a doctor's office does is submit a bill to your insurance. They don't have any clue what your coverage is.

If you need to find out what your coverage is, you always need to start with the insurance company.
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:20 PM   #206
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Originally Posted by lizabu View Post
ITA. What on earth would the parents of a 19 y/o woman be expected to do if someone tattled on her anyway? Ground her? I'm sorry but it's a ridiculous suggestion. The suggestion to stay with a man who doesn't love her or resepect her and doesn't want the baby that she is already 7 months pregnant with is ridiculous too. It's not like they just found out shes pregnant and he's dealing with the shock of the news. She's 7 months along. It takes a special type of person to be that cold. And she's supposed to just make it work for the sake of the child? Sick.
I agree totally.
Make an effort to work on a marriage with this man?
Not on your life.
My knee would be jerking allright...to kick him to the curb with his skanky girlfriend.
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:32 PM   #207
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I wish you well. I have been following the posts all weekend, and at Church today, when we pause for a space for folks to add the own intentions silently...

After the gainful employment of my sons, and the health of those friends and family who are facing serious diseases, I added "for all those who have touched my heartland need prayers".
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:34 PM   #208
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Originally Posted by DisneyBelle99
I wish you well. I have been following the posts all weekend, and at Church today, when we pause for a space for folks to add the own intentions silently...

After the gainful employment of my sons, and the health of those friends and family who are facing serious diseases, I added "for all those who have touched my heart and need prayers".
darn fingers or autocorrect?
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Old 09-30-2012, 10:06 PM   #209
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Originally Posted by lisaviolet View Post
I've read since you originally posted and figured you've had enough voices to support you through this horrendous time. But regardless felt so sad.

Tonight I felt I needed to share a few thoughts with you - I'm hoping some might help you through this awful time.

I'm so incredibly sorry for that you're going through.

Your husband is a totally different animal from someone who makes a horrendous mistake and has an affair (yes I know many here feel that affairs are way more than a mistake.)

Your husband. Sighing. He's shown his character. And it's not redeeming in any way. Way beyond an affair. Way beyond. And don't blame yourself for loving him for one moment. I've heard many times that this type of person can be the most charming and can fool with ease.

So I guess I wanted you to know as an outsider - although I am so incredibly saddened to the amount of pain you are suffering - I am also feeling something else:

I'm feeling that you're lucky and blessed and it's impossible for you to see that through all - of course it is - you love him and are in pain.

But years from now - maybe even a shorter time period - you'll realize how lucky you were to see his full colours before life went too far with marriage and trust and other children. Can you imagine what if you never found out and you gave years to him? You're young. You're bright. You'll have a child that will not have to grow up on a regular basis with a man that I'm just going to say it - and this has nothing to do with cheating at all - would probably have been an absolutely awful father - an awful man to mirror or look to. Yes people can change but I suspect he never would or could.

So smile for your baby. Your baby won't know the loss because it will simply be their life. But you'll always know the gain of that man not fathering your child on a regular basis. I know that sounds harsh - and I'm a person who sees good in human beings and hope and believes that fathers are greatly underestimated in a child's life. But I believe it's true in your case - your baby is blessed to be out this soon.

And I believe you are as well. I know - hard through the shock and pain.

You know what I love on the DIS. There are many people that seem to have really beautiful second marriages - second chapters in their lives - after being incredibly hurt. Wink at you.

All the best to you in whatever you choose. And please know that despite my thoughts I can only imagine what pain you're going through - please see yourself as the mother already (as you are and do!) and do whatever you need to protect your child. I find myself worried for a stranger on the DIS - so please take care of yourself with your decisions. I bet your parents will be on the next flight or will get you to get on the next flight (if the doctor says it's okay) - either way I pray you're surrounded by your loved ones ASAP.

Lisa
I agree with the others who said this was touching and compassionate. It oozed with compassion and empathy when I read through it. Lisa, you have a beautiful heart!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DisneyBelle99 View Post
I wish you well. I have been following the posts all weekend, and at Church today, when we pause for a space for folks to add the own intentions silently...

After the gainful employment of my sons, and the health of those friends and family who are facing serious diseases, I added "for all those who have touched my heart and need prayers".
And this one also.


Sending love and prayers, OP.
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Old 09-30-2012, 10:43 PM   #210
KiKi Mouse
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Go see a lawyer.

Worry about yourself and your baby. The husband is a big boy and can worry about himself.

Make sure any legal decisions are for the long term. Don't have a legal agreement that is only baby friendly. Babies grow into school aged children and the costs of their activities grow as well.

I live in Canada and know somebody who has a child with a man from the U.S. She filed the papers in Canada and the father pays child support from the U.S to her here.

Whatever financial statements you can find.....take them. Income tax papers, pay cheque stubs, bank statements, etc.

As for where to go and what to do....
Like somebody else said...if you were my daughter I would want you home so I could provide you with support and stability. I would also love to have the time to mother you and spend time with my grandbaby. If you go back to Canada it doesn't have to be forever.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel and some day in the future you will go on to meet a man who treats you like gold and he will welcome your child as his own. There are good ones out there.....I know...I married one and went on to have two more children.
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