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Old 09-29-2012, 05:37 PM   #166
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Definitely save the texts, and ask your attorney how to make sure they are admissible in court (hard to believe, but you actually have to do that).

I would go to my parents' house as soon as possible if I were you.

Hugs to you. Take care of yourself. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:39 PM   #167
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OP - you mention that you have dual citizenship. Were you born in Canada or the US?

If you were not born in Canada but got your citizenship through your parents, then your child will be ineligible for Canadian citizenship unless he is born in Canada (or you go through the sponsorship process). I'm very familiar with these rules as they changed after my DD#2 was born abroad and it may affect her and any children she might have in the future.
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:42 PM   #168
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As someone who is NOT quick to jump on the divorce train, even when there is infidelity,(Once) I do feel the OP should probably not consider trying to work it out with her H. She really needs to think only of herself and unborn baby right now. What really causes alarm for me in her case, is that her H is aware of the kind of things his GF is texting to his PREGNANT wife. He shows no concern for her health or that of her/his baby.

I have known many marriages that have come through infidelity. However, in those cases, the cheater usually still has concern for their spouse to an extent. Yeah, they are blinded and are not recognizable while in an affair. But, they did not become so cold as to allow their GF/BFs to treat their spouse with such venomous hurt. In the OP's case it could lead to stress that could harm her and her baby. Given her current condition and based on he H's actions, it is my opinion that she needs to get to the safest place possible.
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Old 09-29-2012, 07:21 PM   #169
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OP, your job is not to worry about the 18 year GF or her mother, or your in-laws.

You have 2 people to worry about....yourself & your baby.

Do you have someone that can go with you to the sttorney appointment tomorrow? If not, write down your questions and write down the attorney's answers, so even if you aren't so clear-headed right now, you have something to refer to.

Do what needs to be done to protect your assets and do it ASAP. Ask the attorney's advice then do it.

Don't get too caught up in "things". If you have things that have sentimental value, then by all means take them out of the home. But remember, stuff is just sutff. Furniture, furnishings, whatever....all "stuff". Don't get caught up in fighting for stuff that will essentially mean nothing to you...are you going to want furniture or something that will remind you of when you lived in that house with that man? No....you won't want that. So if he agrees, tally up what the house and all the stuff in it that you don't want costs, get half (or more if you can) and let him have the house and the stuff. If he moves his 18year old GF in, so be it. Let the 2 skanks have each other.

I would also be very willing to let him sign away parental rights....very willing. I would be willing to tell him that in exchange for him not having to pay child support that he can sign away his parental rights & I'll never contact him again about the baby. The sooner you do that the better off you will all be....
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Old 09-29-2012, 08:30 PM   #170
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I don't know if it's been mentioned, but make paper copies right now of all bank statements, 401k, etc so that you know where things stand. Take half and put it in a new acct your dh doesn't have access too. If you are concerned about things, maybe video tape the house - walk thru for an inventory. It may or may not help later on, but it can't hurt.
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Old 09-29-2012, 09:01 PM   #171
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OP, I am so sorry.

I have not read anything but page 1 and page 12.

I agree with the advice to get out NOW.

My BFF'd (ex)DH decided once she was pregnant that he did not want to be married anymore or become a father . She left him, came back home from FL (she was working at WDW!) and made a life for her and her wonderful daughter. He DD is now 19 and in college and my friend just remarried a wonderful man whom she has dated for many years.
This is a terrible thing to go through anytime but during pregnancy? I could not be more sorry.

And as a side note, my BIL of 36 years left my sister for a girl also. My BIL is 57 and the girl is now 18. This sick affair started when the girl was 15. He is a vet (dr.) and she is a now a college freshman (now 18). She had an affair with her mom's BF and so many issues...The whole thing is a total mess and I can't wait until the divorce is over.

The thing is, BIL's 4 kids are 16, 18, 20 and 23. The hurt the kids go through is unbelievable and he totally does not get it. Protect your baby from this hurt and follow Disney Doll's advice. Otherwise, it will most likely be one heartache after another for your son. Sad, pathetic, but true.

Hugs and prayers.
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Old 09-29-2012, 10:13 PM   #172
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TRK0011 View Post
I just wanted to update quickly, although at this point not much has happened.

I called the attorney I know yesterday and he made an appointment for me to go in and see him on Monday. He asked me to bring any financial information I have, so I have to spend this weekend looking around for copies of bank accounts, savings, etc.

I called my parents yesterday morning, but they're on vacation until tomorrow for their anniversary. My mom did ask if something was wrong, and I told her I needed to talk to her about something, and she said she'd call back first thing Monday morning so we could talk. I've actually written down what I want to say so I think I'm starting to get ready for the conversation. For those who mentioned it, I am both a Canadian citizen and a US citizen, I have dual citizenship. Tonight I'm planning on searching the internet to find out the information on where my parents live and how long I'd have to be there to qualify for healthcare.

DH called from work Thursday night and asked me to pack a bag for him so he could move out for a couple of days. I packed him a bag, he came home to get it - and moved it all the way into one of the guest rooms. Not what I had in mind, but he said he pays half the mortgage too and he doesn't think he should have to leave. We were both at work yesterday, then last night he was out with friends so we haven't had to see to much of each other. I'm trying to remain cordial when I do see him, and he's doing the same. There are so many things I want to say to him, but I don't think now is the time.

I took the block off the texts from this girl and I've saved the messages I've gotten since then. They haven't gotten any nicer, they're actually getting nastier but I'm dealing with in case they start to get threatening and I need proof in the future. As I said, we're in California and she's in Seattle, so I'm not physically worried about my safety right now. For those who brought up the fact that she was the daughter of a friend of the family and said I should tell her parents - I've considered it. But DH is really good friends with her mom - I mean, she adores him. She texts him every day to chat about stuff, including parenting advice (which is the so creepy - he's giving this woman advice on her daughter while he's having an affair with her!) and she's said in the past he's like the son she never had. I honestly wonder if she might be happy if she thought the two of them were together. Her father is a different story, I think he'd be livid. I just don't know if I want to get in the middle of all that to be honest.
Please do not call the girl's parents. Since her mom is close to your DH, she will side with him, quite possibly, in some type of sick way.

When my BIL's young GF's mom found out he was texting with her daughter and some red flags went up, she reacted in a reasonable way you would expect a mom to react. Then suddenly, she did an about face and stopped acting normal and started doing things like sneaking him to her house and dropping him off at his car which he did not want seen in her driveway.

I wonder to this day what the mom was thinking? Blackmail? The daughter was 15, he 54. Or had he talked in circles and told her his unloving wife kicked him out and his 4 kids did not care about him? Maybe she thought she was being kind to this man and maybe she did not "get" how this relationship was sick. I dunno, but mommy is in on whatever it is. This young chick's mom might be in on wanting them together...who knows.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolAnnC View Post
Sounds to me like he was going to leave with his bag, but someone gave him advice as to not leave the marital home.

Like others have said, focus on getting all your paperwork together for your appointment. Say as little as possible to anyone (i.e. him, the girlfriend, his parents, mutual friends). Call your parents, though! Does he have access to your computer? Be cautious of what you are saying anywhere.

Lastly, I do not want to scare you, especially since you are under so much stress already and pregnant as it is. But, it is a very precarious and sometimes dangerous time when separating and/or divorcing from a spouse. I would prepare a bag of essentials as well - medicines, passport, any important or legal paperwork as well as clothing and anything you must have. If you, at any time, feel unsafe please seek refuge via police or a women's shelter.

Please know you are in my prayers...
I thought the same thing...someone has told him to stay put. Proceed with caution.


And Mrs.Pete is giving this guy too much credit. While I'm projecting on to your situation because of my sister's situation, she's hoping he's not all that bad.
My BIL had an affair with a young girl when I was 18. I'm guessing the young woman was about 20 or 22 at most. He was almost 28. She was also a troubled young woman. My sister and him worked through it and he went on to get all his degrees and had 4 kids together. I always thought "once a cheater, always a cheater" was not true because of him and how dedicated I thought he was. Fooled me... fooled all of us (except my DH who has never liked BIL from day one).

I would never try to build on a relationship with a man who can act, do, and say these things to me, his pregnant wife. No way, no how. I totally vote for "move on."
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Old 09-30-2012, 06:39 AM   #173
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I don't really have much new to add, but I haven't told anyone else yet (talk to the parents tomorrow after they get back from vacation) so you guys are my only outlet.

For the poster who asked, I was born in Canada and lived there until I was 21. So I would assume my baby would be eligible for Canadian citizenship, even if he were born in the US. I'll add that to my list of things to look into though. I did some googling last night and as far as I can tell, the area my parents live in requires 90 days residency in order to qualify for the free healthcare. I need to investigate further to see if there are times that can be waived, and, if not, what healthcare would cost me there for a few months versus here.

DH is still in the guest room. I spoke to him once yesterday to mention that this girl was still texting me - he said that he had asked her to stop, and that she says she's not texting me, that if I'm getting texts someone must have hacked into her phone and sent them pretending to be her. That is so ridiculous I don't have a response for it. I asked if he actually believed her and he said no, but he told her he did believe her because he didn't want to fight with her. He did say he was sorry she was doing it, and offered to download a program to block the messages, but I declined. I don't believe for a second he's sorry she's doing it, and I still can't believe he could want to be with someone so horrible.

My appointment with the attorney is tomorrow - I'm going alone but I'll take a notepad with questions I want to ask and I'll be sure to take lots of notes. My Dr appointment is also tomorrow, so I'll be able to find out if I can fly and see if the baby is coping OK in there given how stressed I am. He's wiggling away like crazy, so I assume he's fine, but it would make me feel better just to check.

I know some people have said not to make any rash decisions, and I am trying to think clearly, but I'm worried if I start thinking about this too much, I'll end up wanting to forgive him and try again. As it is I'm wondering where I'm going to get the strength to actually leave if it turns out that is an option. It's amazing how someone can hurt you so much, and you can be so angry with them for the way they've behaved, and yet you still love them.

Thank you guys all so much for all the advice and support you've given me so far - it really has kept me focused and kept me going the last couple of days. I'll be sure to update tomorrow with reports from the Dr and attorney as to what my next steps should be.
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Old 09-30-2012, 06:58 AM   #174
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TRK0011
I don't really have much new to add, but I haven't told anyone else yet (talk to the parents tomorrow after they get back from vacation) so you guys are my only outlet.

For the poster who asked, I was born in Canada and lived there until I was 21. So I would assume my baby would be eligible for Canadian citizenship, even if he were born in the US. I'll add that to my list of things to look into though. I did some googling last night and as far as I can tell, the area my parents live in requires 90 days residency in order to qualify for the free healthcare. I need to investigate further to see if there are times that can be waived, and, if not, what healthcare would cost me there for a few months versus here.

DH is still in the guest room. I spoke to him once yesterday to mention that this girl was still texting me - he said that he had asked her to stop, and that she says she's not texting me, that if I'm getting texts someone must have hacked into her phone and sent them pretending to be her. That is so ridiculous I don't have a response for it. I asked if he actually believed her and he said no, but he told her he did believe her because he didn't want to fight with her. He did say he was sorry she was doing it, and offered to download a program to block the messages, but I declined. I don't believe for a second he's sorry she's doing it, and I still can't believe he could want to be with someone so horrible.

My appointment with the attorney is tomorrow - I'm going alone but I'll take a notepad with questions I want to ask and I'll be sure to take lots of notes. My Dr appointment is also tomorrow, so I'll be able to find out if I can fly and see if the baby is coping OK in there given how stressed I am. He's wiggling away like crazy, so I assume he's fine, but it would make me feel better just to check.

I know some people have said not to make any rash decisions, and I am trying to think clearly, but I'm worried if I start thinking about this too much, I'll end up wanting to forgive him and try again. As it is I'm wondering where I'm going to get the strength to actually leave if it turns out that is an option. It's amazing how someone can hurt you so much, and you can be so angry with them for the way they've behaved, and yet you still love them.

Thank you guys all so much for all the advice and support you've given me so far - it really has kept me focused and kept me going the last couple of days. I'll be sure to update tomorrow with reports from the Dr and attorney as to what my next steps should be.
So glad to see this post. You seem like a very strong woman. You are doing so well for the situation you are in. You can do this!!!

Stay strong! ((Hugs))
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:40 AM   #175
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Originally Posted by TRK0011 View Post
I don't really have much new to add, but I haven't told anyone else yet (talk to the parents tomorrow after they get back from vacation) so you guys are my only outlet.

For the poster who asked, I was born in Canada and lived there until I was 21. So I would assume my baby would be eligible for Canadian citizenship, even if he were born in the US. I'll add that to my list of things to look into though. I did some googling last night and as far as I can tell, the area my parents live in requires 90 days residency in order to qualify for the free healthcare. I need to investigate further to see if there are times that can be waived, and, if not, what healthcare would cost me there for a few months versus here.

DH is still in the guest room. I spoke to him once yesterday to mention that this girl was still texting me - he said that he had asked her to stop, and that she says she's not texting me, that if I'm getting texts someone must have hacked into her phone and sent them pretending to be her. That is so ridiculous I don't have a response for it. I asked if he actually believed her and he said no, but he told her he did believe her because he didn't want to fight with her. He did say he was sorry she was doing it, and offered to download a program to block the messages, but I declined. I don't believe for a second he's sorry she's doing it, and I still can't believe he could want to be with someone so horrible.

My appointment with the attorney is tomorrow - I'm going alone but I'll take a notepad with questions I want to ask and I'll be sure to take lots of notes. My Dr appointment is also tomorrow, so I'll be able to find out if I can fly and see if the baby is coping OK in there given how stressed I am. He's wiggling away like crazy, so I assume he's fine, but it would make me feel better just to check.

I know some people have said not to make any rash decisions, and I am trying to think clearly, but I'm worried if I start thinking about this too much, I'll end up wanting to forgive him and try again. As it is I'm wondering where I'm going to get the strength to actually leave if it turns out that is an option. It's amazing how someone can hurt you so much, and you can be so angry with them for the way they've behaved, and yet you still love them.

Thank you guys all so much for all the advice and support you've given me so far - it really has kept me focused and kept me going the last couple of days. I'll be sure to update tomorrow with reports from the Dr and attorney as to what my next steps should be.
Thanks for the update.

I am so sorry that you are going through this at this time in your life.

None of us can make decisions for you, nor truly know what you are feeling, so my wish for you is strength, clarity and support through this difficult time.

I do see that you say you still love your husband, and say that you haven't decided that you are going to leave him. I know this must be a very big and difficult decision to make, but remember that your husband is not in the same place as you, and based on what you have told us, he never will be. Your love may be one-sided, as he is taking the girl's word over yours. Horribly bad judgment on his part...Why is he taking her side knowing that his wife and unborn child are being harassed? You know the answer to that question, so please remember that when you are contemplating staying with him.

Best of luck with your appointments this week. Thoughts and prayers to you and your precious babe, Tiger

Last edited by Tiger926; 09-30-2012 at 07:45 AM.
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Old 09-30-2012, 08:11 AM   #176
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[QUOTE=Tiger926;46306698
None of us can make decisions for you, nor truly know what you are feeling, so my wish for you is strength, clarity and support through this difficult time.

I do see that you say you still love your husband, and say that you haven't decided that you are going to leave him. I know this must be a very big and difficult decision to make, but remember that your husband is not in the same place as you, and based on what you have told us, he never will be. Your love may be one-sided, as he is taking the girl's word over yours. [/QUOTE]

I have to agree. You mention maybe forgiving him and trying again, and as much as it must hurt, you have to understand that he doesn't want to try again. He has already moved on. Please, for your sake and the sake of your baby, don't accept being second fiddle to his new playmate. No good can come of it.

Forgiving him, which you may do in time, doesn't mean you need to accept him and what he is doing and stay his wife. Please put yourself and your child first.
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Old 09-30-2012, 08:54 AM   #177
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I just wanted to clarify - it's not that I want to stay and forgive him, or that I think I will. I know in my heart leaving him is my only option - not only does he not want to work things out, but after the things he's said and done, I just don't see how I could trust him again.

I just wonder where I'll get the strength from to leave, I mean to actually pack up my life here and move thousands of miles back home. It seems terrifying right now. That's why I'm trying not to think about this too much - I want to make decisions based on my head, not my heart. If I deal with the practical elements of leaving, I don't have to think too much about the emotional aspects of it.

When I first found out about the affair, I asked DH (BTW the D stands for something very different right now...) how he could do this. His response was that he was just trying to make himself happy - the more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. His quest for happiness has come at the expense of so many other peoples. I don't understand how someone can be that selfish.
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:03 AM   #178
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Helping you get the strength is where your family come in...you can not do this alone. They will be there to help you get the logistics accomplished and catch you when you fall along the way. It's a monumental change in your life but I firmly believe we cannot see why these horrible things happen until we look back and realize it was a detour to something so much better.

You have a whole wonderful life in front of you with the biggest joy yet to come...baby steps...day at a time.

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Old 09-30-2012, 09:15 AM   #179
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I just wanted to clarify - it's not that I want to stay and forgive him, or that I think I will. I know in my heart leaving him is my only option - not only does he not want to work things out, but after the things he's said and done, I just don't see how I could trust him again.

I just wonder where I'll get the strength from to leave, I mean to actually pack up my life here and move thousands of miles back home. It seems terrifying right now. That's why I'm trying not to think about this too much - I want to make decisions based on my head, not my heart. If I deal with the practical elements of leaving, I don't have to think too much about the emotional aspects of it.

When I first found out about the affair, I asked DH (BTW the D stands for something very different right now...) how he could do this. His response was that he was just trying to make himself happy - the more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. His quest for happiness has come at the expense of so many other peoples. I don't understand how someone can be that selfish.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Leaving is always hard I think. I only suspected my ex was cheating. What made me leave him was he hit me and used to break things and generally made my life hell. Even after I left I used to cry myself to sleep because I still loved him. I just knew that he was hurting me and I had to love myself more. Once you are in love and married and intimate there is a connection formed that is even stronger than common sense or self preservation. I can tell you 100% that leaving will hurt at first but after a while it doesn't hurt as much and then a little while after that it doesn't hurt at all and you wonder why you ever put up with his crap in the first place. You have to love yourself and your baby more than you love him and do the right thing for both of you. My thoughts about leaving him is that he showed you who is is. He showed by his callous actions he doesn't respect you and he doesn't value you. Like another posted said had he just cheated and felt sorry there may have been some hope for him and your marriage (with counselling and honest work). Because he allowed his bimbo to harrass and disrespect his wife and mother of his child he showed himself as someone who will never treat you right. It will be hard and it's hard for anyone. It's closing the door on the life you envisioned having and realizing it's never going to happen. I'm here to tell you that there is an even better life than that one. An even better future. When you allow yourself to settle for less than what you deserve because you're lonely and don't want to be alone you will never be fulfilled and never truly happy. I'm a true believer that whenever one door closes another opens. We don't know what the future has in store for you but you sound like you have your stuff together so I'm guessing the future will be bright.
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:35 AM   #180
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As someone who is NOT quick to jump on the divorce train, even when there is infidelity,(Once) I do feel the OP should probably not consider trying to work it out with her H. She really needs to think only of herself and unborn baby right now. What really causes alarm for me in her case, is that her H is aware of the kind of things his GF is texting to his PREGNANT wife. He shows no concern for her health or that of her/his baby.

I have known many marriages that have come through infidelity. However, in those cases, the cheater usually still has concern for their spouse to an extent. Yeah, they are blinded and are not recognizable while in an affair. But, they did not become so cold as to allow their GF/BFs to treat their spouse with such venomous hurt. In the OP's case it could lead to stress that could harm her and her baby. Given her current condition and based on he H's actions, it is my opinion that she needs to get to the safest place possible.
Yep. Not too mention the fact her H is "with' an unstable 19yo & he is a father to be who is mad at OP for getting pregnant.

I would consider both people at this time to be a danger to my child.

OP your head is telling you to get the heck away from them and your heart wants you to stay because if you leave you it will "make it real".
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