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Old 09-29-2012, 01:57 AM   #151
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Take care of your health and that baby! I'm so sorry this happened. I'm sure you won't stay single for long and find a loving affectionate man in your future and just think, it's a bonus dad for your son. I will stop at that.

Praying for you and hope you get to see your parents soon!
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:59 AM   #152
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I just wanted to update quickly, although at this point not much has happened.

I called the attorney I know yesterday and he made an appointment for me to go in and see him on Monday. He asked me to bring any financial information I have, so I have to spend this weekend looking around for copies of bank accounts, savings, etc.

I called my parents yesterday morning, but they're on vacation until tomorrow for their anniversary. My mom did ask if something was wrong, and I told her I needed to talk to her about something, and she said she'd call back first thing Monday morning so we could talk. I've actually written down what I want to say so I think I'm starting to get ready for the conversation. For those who mentioned it, I am both a Canadian citizen and a US citizen, I have dual citizenship. Tonight I'm planning on searching the internet to find out the information on where my parents live and how long I'd have to be there to qualify for healthcare.

DH called from work Thursday night and asked me to pack a bag for him so he could move out for a couple of days. I packed him a bag, he came home to get it - and moved it all the way into one of the guest rooms. Not what I had in mind, but he said he pays half the mortgage too and he doesn't think he should have to leave. We were both at work yesterday, then last night he was out with friends so we haven't had to see to much of each other. I'm trying to remain cordial when I do see him, and he's doing the same. There are so many things I want to say to him, but I don't think now is the time.

I took the block off the texts from this girl and I've saved the messages I've gotten since then. They haven't gotten any nicer, they're actually getting nastier but I'm dealing with in case they start to get threatening and I need proof in the future. As I said, we're in California and she's in Seattle, so I'm not physically worried about my safety right now. For those who brought up the fact that she was the daughter of a friend of the family and said I should tell her parents - I've considered it. But DH is really good friends with her mom - I mean, she adores him. She texts him every day to chat about stuff, including parenting advice (which is the so creepy - he's giving this woman advice on her daughter while he's having an affair with her!) and she's said in the past he's like the son she never had. I honestly wonder if she might be happy if she thought the two of them were together. Her father is a different story, I think he'd be livid. I just don't know if I want to get in the middle of all that to be honest.
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Old 09-29-2012, 08:52 AM   #153
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TRK0011 View Post

DH called from work Thursday night and asked me to pack a bag for him so he could move out for a couple of days. I packed him a bag, he came home to get it - and moved it all the way into one of the guest rooms. Not what I had in mind, but he said he pays half the mortgage too and he doesn't think he should have to leave.
This is where it starts... and eventually, the imaginary line that is drawn to represent "half" is pushed farther and farther until one side is way larger that the other.

Getting those copies together is a good idea. Protect yourself.


I would not tell the girl's parents. You don't need the extra drama.
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Old 09-29-2012, 09:00 AM   #154
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Sending you all the positive vibes I can muster. Im so sorry for all this happening to you.
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Old 09-29-2012, 10:12 AM   #155
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I'd go open a bank account in your name only and make sure your direct deposit paycheck goes there and not into the joint account. You'd be amazed at how nasty people get in times like this.

About your parents, they can still do all the traveling they desire whether or not you're there in their home. You're not dropping the baby in their lap to just take care of. You will take care of the baby and they can still travel and spend time with you and the baby.

Also, I'd keep the girl's parents on the back burner for now. Figure out your custody arrangement first and property settlement. When you get everything signed, sealed and delivered...then, if you choose to tell them, you can. Doing it now, may create anger and revenge in your husband and he may fight you every step of the way. If it were me, I would get all my ducks in a row, then I'd tell the parents what their daughter and my ex-husband had done. I think I would tell the father in lieu of the mother too.
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Old 09-29-2012, 10:25 AM   #156
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TRK, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You've got 11 pages worth of advice and I'm sure it's making your head spin. I'm very glad you are seeing a lawyer and absolutely, get your own bank account now. And regardless of how this turns out, keep only your name on it.

I'm having a hard time with him telling you to pack a bag for him. That's some f'ed up stuff right there. And then comes home and moves...into the guest room? What the what?

Please, please, please stay strong and think with your head and not with your heart. And if you find yourself waivering, enlist a friend to be the one to keep you straight. I'm not saying you have to be a b-word, but protect yourself first.

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Old 09-29-2012, 10:52 AM   #157
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All I can say is wow. I would most certainly get your ducks in a row legally. Not a good start for things to come.

I hate to say it but the minute you move out, I would imagine she is going to be moving in your house.

Just keep that in mind when you go talk with the lawyer about visitation, custody, etc.. (Plan for the worst, hope for civilized.)

I would certainly dangle the give up parent rights to the child vs not paying child support when it comes down to it. I would not want my baby around a 19yo girl with mental issues.

I would also not breathe a word to the parents of the girl. That is not your battle to fight. Plus it will just muck up the "now". You need to be stealthy & ninja-like with your plans.

Many hugs!!!
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Old 09-29-2012, 10:55 AM   #158
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She's in college in Seattle, so I imagine if she moves in the game is up with her parents.
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Old 09-29-2012, 11:01 AM   #159
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She's in college in Seattle, so I imagine if she moves in the game is up with her parents.
You know it is what they are talking about & planning. It makes me shudder.
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Old 09-29-2012, 11:11 AM   #160
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I would be really worried about the girlfriend. I would document and stop by your local police station for advice!
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Old 09-29-2012, 12:12 PM   #161
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TRK0011 View Post
I just wanted to update quickly, although at this point not much has happened.

I called the attorney I know yesterday and he made an appointment for me to go in and see him on Monday. He asked me to bring any financial information I have, so I have to spend this weekend looking around for copies of bank accounts, savings, etc.

I called my parents yesterday morning, but they're on vacation until tomorrow for their anniversary. My mom did ask if something was wrong, and I told her I needed to talk to her about something, and she said she'd call back first thing Monday morning so we could talk. I've actually written down what I want to say so I think I'm starting to get ready for the conversation. For those who mentioned it, I am both a Canadian citizen and a US citizen, I have dual citizenship. Tonight I'm planning on searching the internet to find out the information on where my parents live and how long I'd have to be there to qualify for healthcare.

DH called from work Thursday night and asked me to pack a bag for him so he could move out for a couple of days. I packed him a bag, he came home to get it - and moved it all the way into one of the guest rooms. Not what I had in mind, but he said he pays half the mortgage too and he doesn't think he should have to leave. We were both at work yesterday, then last night he was out with friends so we haven't had to see to much of each other. I'm trying to remain cordial when I do see him, and he's doing the same. There are so many things I want to say to him, but I don't think now is the time.

I took the block off the texts from this girl and I've saved the messages I've gotten since then. They haven't gotten any nicer, they're actually getting nastier but I'm dealing with in case they start to get threatening and I need proof in the future. As I said, we're in California and she's in Seattle, so I'm not physically worried about my safety right now. For those who brought up the fact that she was the daughter of a friend of the family and said I should tell her parents - I've considered it. But DH is really good friends with her mom - I mean, she adores him. She texts him every day to chat about stuff, including parenting advice (which is the so creepy - he's giving this woman advice on her daughter while he's having an affair with her!) and she's said in the past he's like the son she never had. I honestly wonder if she might be happy if she thought the two of them were together. Her father is a different story, I think he'd be livid. I just don't know if I want to get in the middle of all that to be honest.
Sounds to me like he was going to leave with his bag, but someone gave him advice as to not leave the marital home.

Like others have said, focus on getting all your paperwork together for your appointment. Say as little as possible to anyone (i.e. him, the girlfriend, his parents, mutual friends). Call your parents, though! Does he have access to your computer? Be cautious of what you are saying anywhere.

Lastly, I do not want to scare you, especially since you are under so much stress already and pregnant as it is. But, it is a very precarious and sometimes dangerous time when separating and/or divorcing from a spouse. I would prepare a bag of essentials as well - medicines, passport, any important or legal paperwork as well as clothing and anything you must have. If you, at any time, feel unsafe please seek refuge via police or a women's shelter.

Please know you are in my prayers...
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Old 09-29-2012, 03:47 PM   #162
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Health-related concerns

- Your health and the baby must come before anything else. Be sure you're eating well, getting some mild exercise every day, keeping up with your doctor's visits.

- I'd say check with your OB/GYN to see what your options are for having the baby here /going back to Canada. He will know the ins and outs of the insurance, etc. You say your parents are retired /financially comfortable. Perhaps they would come stay with you here instead of you going to them. That'd allow you to remain with your doctor, to know that your insurance will be in place, etc. I know that I would drop everything to go to my daughter, if she were in such a situation, and I can't imagine your husband wouldn't go running to a hotel if his father-in-law were in the house under these conditions.

- Talk to your husband about whether he intends to be present for the baby's birth. Yes, he's been cruel to you, but this is still his child. Returning cruelty for cruelty has never, ever led to anything good. It would be awful to refuse to allow him to be there, if he wants to share in it. If you refuse to let him take part, you can never get that moment back for him, and he may throw it in your face: "Why should I pay child support when you wouldn't even allow me in the hospital?" Let it be his choice.

- At the same time, make a back-up plan. In fact, even if he is there, it'd be good to have your mom or a good friend present. Who would take you to the hospital, stay with you in the weeks while you recover IF he doesn't want any part of the birth?

- Although your husband says he didn't sleep with her, do have your doctor run tests for STDs. Better to know than not to know.

Legal concerns

- You should be afraid of this girl. She's unstable. At the very least, get a restraining order against her, and keep your phone with you day and night.

- I don't think it's even remotely possible to divorce your husband before this baby arrives, so that concern is completely off the table. Plus, your child support options are stronger if you're married at the time of the birth.

- If it comes to divorce, be sure that you nail down child support, visitation, etc. through the courts. Have the payments deducted from his pay; don't agree to manage the payments between the two of you. Even fathers who agree that they'll "just keep things friendly" often change their tune as time goes on, especially if they remarry and have more children. Do not settle for less than your child deserves.

- Having said that, I'm not ready to jump on the "divorce the jerk" bandwagon just yet. That's our society's first action these days: Someone has wronged me -- he must pay! Who wins? No one.

How was your relationship prior to your discovery of the affair? If it was good, do everything you can to reconcile. It's not just about you -- it's about your son too. He will be better off in numerous ways if he can be raised in a home with two biological parents. I'm not saying make yourself a doormat or allow him to mistreat you and your son. I am saying don't jump into divorce until you KNOW that you've done every last thing you can do to try to avoid divorce. Take it from a child of divorce,divorce isn't a solution. It's trading one set of problems for another set of problems. If you can come to an agreement, if you can find some of what was good before, leave no stone unturned. IF it comes to divorce in the long run, you'll feel better knowing that you did everything possible to work things out; when the hard times come (and they will), you'll know that you didn't run to divorce as a first-resort.

- You would be wise to visit a lawyer FOR ADVICE ONLY. Find out what your legal options are IF it comes to divorce. I suspect that if it comes to that, you will be in the driver's seat. You are the wronged party. You have evidence of the affair /the girl's nastiness through the texts (give the lawyer a copy of those texts). Courts do not take nicely to men who behave this way, and I feel sure you'd get half the marital assets plus a fair child support payment.

Emotional concerns

- Someone else mentioned giving it up to God. Excellent advice. If you don't have a pastor to whom you can turn, this might be the time to seek one out. You cannot control your husband's choices -- he has free will -- but you may be able to find peace with a difficult situation, knowing that you didn't deserve this and didn't cause it to happen.

- Talk to the girl's parents -- you have no reason to shield her or them. She's a legal adult and can make her own choices, but as the mother of an 18-year old, I would want to know. I would be devestated, but I would rather know than not know. Her behavior is reason for huge concerns, and I would involve myself immediately.


And good luck.
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Old 09-29-2012, 03:57 PM   #163
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsPete View Post

- I'd say check with your OB/GYN to see what your options are for having the baby here /going back to Canada. He will know the ins and outs of the insurance, etc. [/CENTER]
Why do you say that? In my experience, doctors know very little about insurance. They typically leave that to their staff.
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Old 09-29-2012, 04:33 PM   #164
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsPete View Post
Health-related concerns

- Your health and the baby must come before anything else. Be sure you're eating well, getting some mild exercise every day, keeping up with your doctor's visits.

- I'd say check with your OB/GYN to see what your options are for having the baby here /going back to Canada. He will know the ins and outs of the insurance, etc. You say your parents are retired /financially comfortable. Perhaps they would come stay with you here instead of you going to them. That'd allow you to remain with your doctor, to know that your insurance will be in place, etc. I know that I would drop everything to go to my daughter, if she were in such a situation, and I can't imagine your husband wouldn't go running to a hotel if his father-in-law were in the house under these conditions.

- Talk to your husband about whether he intends to be present for the baby's birth. Yes, he's been cruel to you, but this is still his child. Returning cruelty for cruelty has never, ever led to anything good. It would be awful to refuse to allow him to be there, if he wants to share in it. If you refuse to let him take part, you can never get that moment back for him, and he may throw it in your face: "Why should I pay child support when you wouldn't even allow me in the hospital?" Let it be his choice.

- At the same time, make a back-up plan. In fact, even if he is there, it'd be good to have your mom or a good friend present. Who would take you to the hospital, stay with you in the weeks while you recover IF he doesn't want any part of the birth?

- Although your husband says he didn't sleep with her, do have your doctor run tests for STDs. Better to know than not to know.

Legal concerns

- You should be afraid of this girl. She's unstable. At the very least, get a restraining order against her, and keep your phone with you day and night.

- I don't think it's even remotely possible to divorce your husband before this baby arrives, so that concern is completely off the table. Plus, your child support options are stronger if you're married at the time of the birth.

- If it comes to divorce, be sure that you nail down child support, visitation, etc. through the courts. Have the payments deducted from his pay; don't agree to manage the payments between the two of you. Even fathers who agree that they'll "just keep things friendly" often change their tune as time goes on, especially if they remarry and have more children. Do not settle for less than your child deserves.

- Having said that, I'm not ready to jump on the "divorce the jerk" bandwagon just yet. That's our society's first action these days: Someone has wronged me -- he must pay! Who wins? No one.

How was your relationship prior to your discovery of the affair? If it was good, do everything you can to reconcile. It's not just about you -- it's about your son too. He will be better off in numerous ways if he can be raised in a home with two biological parents. I'm not saying make yourself a doormat or allow him to mistreat you and your son. I am saying don't jump into divorce until you KNOW that you've done every last thing you can do to try to avoid divorce. Take it from a child of divorce,divorce isn't a solution. It's trading one set of problems for another set of problems. If you can come to an agreement, if you can find some of what was good before, leave no stone unturned. IF it comes to divorce in the long run, you'll feel better knowing that you did everything possible to work things out; when the hard times come (and they will), you'll know that you didn't run to divorce as a first-resort.

- You would be wise to visit a lawyer FOR ADVICE ONLY. Find out what your legal options are IF it comes to divorce. I suspect that if it comes to that, you will be in the driver's seat. You are the wronged party. You have evidence of the affair /the girl's nastiness through the texts (give the lawyer a copy of those texts). Courts do not take nicely to men who behave this way, and I feel sure you'd get half the marital assets plus a fair child support payment.

Emotional concerns

- Someone else mentioned giving it up to God. Excellent advice. If you don't have a pastor to whom you can turn, this might be the time to seek one out. You cannot control your husband's choices -- he has free will -- but you may be able to find peace with a difficult situation, knowing that you didn't deserve this and didn't cause it to happen.

- Talk to the girl's parents -- you have no reason to shield her or them. She's a legal adult and can make her own choices, but as the mother of an 18-year old, I would want to know. I would be devestated, but I would rather know than not know. Her behavior is reason for huge concerns, and I would involve myself immediately.


And good luck.
All I can say is wow!...Maybe she should let the crazy teenage girlfriend come in to the delivery room too? Afterall she may very well be the baby's new step-mom.

And no one ever had a better childhood due to parents who are in a really dysfuntional place staying together just for the sake of the children.
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Old 09-29-2012, 05:16 PM   #165
Tiger926
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsPete View Post
Health-related concerns

- Your health and the baby must come before anything else. Be sure you're eating well, getting some mild exercise every day, keeping up with your doctor's visits.

- I'd say check with your OB/GYN to see what your options are for having the baby here /going back to Canada. He will know the ins and outs of the insurance, etc. You say your parents are retired /financially comfortable. Perhaps they would come stay with you here instead of you going to them. That'd allow you to remain with your doctor, to know that your insurance will be in place, etc. I know that I would drop everything to go to my daughter, if she were in such a situation, and I can't imagine your husband wouldn't go running to a hotel if his father-in-law were in the house under these conditions.

- Talk to your husband about whether he intends to be present for the baby's birth. Yes, he's been cruel to you, but this is still his child. Returning cruelty for cruelty has never, ever led to anything good. It would be awful to refuse to allow him to be there, if he wants to share in it. If you refuse to let him take part, you can never get that moment back for him, and he may throw it in your face: "Why should I pay child support when you wouldn't even allow me in the hospital?" Let it be his choice.

- At the same time, make a back-up plan. In fact, even if he is there, it'd be good to have your mom or a good friend present. Who would take you to the hospital, stay with you in the weeks while you recover IF he doesn't want any part of the birth?

- Although your husband says he didn't sleep with her, do have your doctor run tests for STDs. Better to know than not to know.

Legal concerns

- You should be afraid of this girl. She's unstable. At the very least, get a restraining order against her, and keep your phone with you day and night.

- I don't think it's even remotely possible to divorce your husband before this baby arrives, so that concern is completely off the table. Plus, your child support options are stronger if you're married at the time of the birth.

- If it comes to divorce, be sure that you nail down child support, visitation, etc. through the courts. Have the payments deducted from his pay; don't agree to manage the payments between the two of you. Even fathers who agree that they'll "just keep things friendly" often change their tune as time goes on, especially if they remarry and have more children. Do not settle for less than your child deserves.

- Having said that, I'm not ready to jump on the "divorce the jerk" bandwagon just yet. That's our society's first action these days: Someone has wronged me -- he must pay! Who wins? No one.

How was your relationship prior to your discovery of the affair? If it was good, do everything you can to reconcile. It's not just about you -- it's about your son too. He will be better off in numerous ways if he can be raised in a home with two biological parents. I'm not saying make yourself a doormat or allow him to mistreat you and your son. I am saying don't jump into divorce until you KNOW that you've done every last thing you can do to try to avoid divorce. Take it from a child of divorce,divorce isn't a solution. It's trading one set of problems for another set of problems. If you can come to an agreement, if you can find some of what was good before, leave no stone unturned. IF it comes to divorce in the long run, you'll feel better knowing that you did everything possible to work things out; when the hard times come (and they will), you'll know that you didn't run to divorce as a first-resort.

- You would be wise to visit a lawyer FOR ADVICE ONLY. Find out what your legal options are IF it comes to divorce. I suspect that if it comes to that, you will be in the driver's seat. You are the wronged party. You have evidence of the affair /the girl's nastiness through the texts (give the lawyer a copy of those texts). Courts do not take nicely to men who behave this way, and I feel sure you'd get half the marital assets plus a fair child support payment.

Emotional concerns

- Someone else mentioned giving it up to God. Excellent advice. If you don't have a pastor to whom you can turn, this might be the time to seek one out. You cannot control your husband's choices -- he has free will -- but you may be able to find peace with a difficult situation, knowing that you didn't deserve this and didn't cause it to happen.

- Talk to the girl's parents -- you have no reason to shield her or them. She's a legal adult and can make her own choices, but as the mother of an 18-year old, I would want to know. I would be devestated, but I would rather know than not know. Her behavior is reason for huge concerns, and I would involve myself immediately.


And good luck.
I just read through this whole long thread as I'm at home with a sinus cold today, and your advice here greatly concerns me.

The OP is dealing with an unstable husband who is dating an unstable girl. Nothing good will come of that, if she gets in the middle of it, and she does not need to in her current condition.

She absolutely should not call the girl's parents - how would running off to tattle solve anything?

And she should absolutely consult a lawyer, and not just for advice either. She needs to protect herself and that unborn baby, who did not asked to be born into this mess.

The OP is clearly in a difficult situation, put there by an unstable and unselfish husband.

As a Canadian, I would say that her having dual citizenship would be great as she can move here with her parents, and access our Canadian healthcare system. She would have to consult regarding the timeline, so she can make sure that she and the baby would be covered (not sure if there is a mimimum time involved here?).

There has been some very good advice and tips on here, but I honestly have to say, that most of your advice could actually be very harmful to her - especially going to the parents and trying to reconcil with a man who clearly does not love her nor their unborn child.

Good luck OP. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Tiger
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