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Old 09-13-2012, 11:33 AM   #106
westjones
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Originally Posted by kkandaj View Post
Maybe it's because I'm in the Midwest, but I don't understand this concept.
We are from the midwest too and I also don't understand this concept...never even realized people thought like this. But am SO glad I now know so we can avoid problems in the future.
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Old 09-13-2012, 11:38 AM   #107
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We are from the midwest too and I also don't understand this concept...never even realized people thought like this. But am SO glad I now know so we can avoid problems in the future.
Completely agree!
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Old 09-13-2012, 03:17 PM   #108
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I don't understand the concept either, and I'm from the south. We didn't invite people to our wedding and expect them to give us a monetary gift that covered the amount of their dinner! And I don't see that it matters if the bride & groom have an expensive wedding or are more budget-conscious - that is *their* choice, and I don't see that it is my responsibility to spend more on a gift for them if they choose a fancy venue and lots of "add-ons" for their wedding. That is THEIR choice for THEIR day.

I also don't see it as the wedding couple spending money to entertain me - that sounds more like they are putting on a show instead of inviting people to spend a special day with them - and if they spend $$$ and get a $ gift from me, then I'm in the wrong?

I would look at their registry and find something that fits my budget, or if they don't have a registry I would do my best to find a gift that I think will be meaningful to them - and still fit in my budget. Their wedding budget is their business, and I fail to see how it is right for couples to expect to recoup their expenses through wedding gifts.
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Old 09-13-2012, 03:58 PM   #109
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I live on Long Island in what, I guess, is considered "cover your own plate" territory.


I don't know a single person who takes this as literal as it is being conveyed on here.

The average wedding here is held at a catering hall. They generally charge between 100.00 and 125.00 per person. The average wedding gift tends to be that much.

You wouldn't call the catering hall and ask what price, are they adding extra's, etc...

My parents recently attended a wedding for her co-worker and close friend. It was 400.00 per person. This is substantially higher than average. My parents gave 400.00 for both of them. No one would feel obligated to "pay for their plate".



Now, if a person had a BBQ, which I never heard of, people may decide to give less than average.

If it were a close relative or friend, I have an amount in mind regardless of the venue. My SIL was remarried last year. We gave 500.00. She had 100 people at a restaurant, not traditional wedding catering hall. I know it was only 40.00 per person. I would have given the same amount if she had it at a much more expensive place.

It is the same thing with kids b-day parties. The average is 20 to 25 per kids. The average gift is 20 to 25 per kid. If someone decides to have an extravagant b-day party, say bejeweling clothing at the local girls boutique (runs $40+), people will give the same 20 to 25 gift.


My son just got his 7th invitation to a bar/bat mitvah this year. I am not Jewish and have no idea what it costs, but they are held in the same places as the weddings. I asked around and the going rate is 54 per kid. Since the kids get to go to the cocktail hour, but are only served chicken nuggets/pizza at the reception, instead of the steak/chicken/fish the adults are eating, I assume the price per kid is half as much.

So, I think that "cover your own plate" is really just averages, what the normal/average gift is based on. No one searches out the exact price to figure out what to put in the card.

Last edited by shoney; 09-13-2012 at 04:00 PM. Reason: hit return too early!
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Old 09-13-2012, 04:26 PM   #110
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My son just got his 7th invitation to a bar/bat mitvah this year. I am not Jewish and have no idea what it costs, but they are held in the same places as the weddings. I asked around and the going rate is 54 per kid. Since the kids get to go to the cocktail hour, but are only served chicken nuggets/pizza at the reception, instead of the steak/chicken/fish the adults are eating, I assume the price per kid is half as much.
The reason why people are telling you 54 is because it is a multiple of 18, a number considered lucky in the Jewish faith. Gifts traditionally are multiples of that number. It has nothing to do with the cost of the meal.
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Old 09-13-2012, 04:28 PM   #111
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The reason why people are telling you 54 is because it is a multiple of 18, a number considered lucky in the Jewish faith. Gifts traditionally are multiples of that number. It has nothing to do with the cost of the meal.
Yes I understand that. It is $54, not $18 or $36. That was really my point!
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Old 09-13-2012, 04:36 PM   #112
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So what's the point about the price? I took it to mean that because the kids' food costs less, you could give less. $54 seems okay but I'm sure no one would complain if it were $36 or $18. It's a symbol.
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Old 09-13-2012, 04:37 PM   #113
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Originally Posted by MowgliFan View Post
I don't understand the concept either, and I'm from the south. We didn't invite people to our wedding and expect them to give us a monetary gift that covered the amount of their dinner! And I don't see that it matters if the bride & groom have an expensive wedding or are more budget-conscious - that is *their* choice, and I don't see that it is my responsibility to spend more on a gift for them if they choose a fancy venue and lots of "add-ons" for their wedding. That is THEIR choice for THEIR day.

I also don't see it as the wedding couple spending money to entertain me - that sounds more like they are putting on a show instead of inviting people to spend a special day with them - and if they spend $$$ and get a $ gift from me, then I'm in the wrong?

I would look at their registry and find something that fits my budget, or if they don't have a registry I would do my best to find a gift that I think will be meaningful to them - and still fit in my budget. Their wedding budget is their business, and I fail to see how it is right for couples to expect to recoup their expenses through wedding gifts.
I'm not sure why people are having trouble understanding this concept?

No one is saying that brides and grooms expect guests to cover plates, but we are saying that many of us as GUESTS expect to cover our plates for the most part.

I didn't expect anyone to bring me gifts, let alone expect guests to cover their plates - we had a big Italian wedding of about 250 people and received $0-thousands of dollars as gifts. We didn't have any expectations of gifts at all, but as givers we do have a base gift that we feel is appropriate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shoney View Post
I live on Long Island in what, I guess, is considered "cover your own plate" territory.


I don't know a single person who takes this as literal as it is being conveyed on here.

The average wedding here is held at a catering hall. They generally charge between 100.00 and 125.00 per person. The average wedding gift tends to be that much.

You wouldn't call the catering hall and ask what price, are they adding extra's, etc...

My parents recently attended a wedding for her co-worker and close friend. It was 400.00 per person. This is substantially higher than average. My parents gave 400.00 for both of them. No one would feel obligated to "pay for their plate".



Now, if a person had a BBQ, which I never heard of, people may decide to give less than average.

If it were a close relative or friend, I have an amount in mind regardless of the venue. My SIL was remarried last year. We gave 500.00. She had 100 people at a restaurant, not traditional wedding catering hall. I know it was only 40.00 per person. I would have given the same amount if she had it at a much more expensive place.

It is the same thing with kids b-day parties. The average is 20 to 25 per kids. The average gift is 20 to 25 per kid. If someone decides to have an extravagant b-day party, say bejeweling clothing at the local girls boutique (runs $40+), people will give the same 20 to 25 gift.


My son just got his 7th invitation to a bar/bat mitvah this year. I am not Jewish and have no idea what it costs, but they are held in the same places as the weddings. I asked around and the going rate is 54 per kid. Since the kids get to go to the cocktail hour, but are only served chicken nuggets/pizza at the reception, instead of the steak/chicken/fish the adults are eating, I assume the price per kid is half as much.

So, I think that "cover your own plate" is really just averages, what the normal/average gift is based on. No one searches out the exact price to figure out what to put in the card.


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Old 09-13-2012, 04:40 PM   #114
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So what's the point about the price? I took it to mean that because the kids' food costs less, you could give less. $54 seems okay but I'm sure no one would complain if it were $36 or $18. It's a symbol.
because the adult cost is that of a wedding, 100 to 125 per person. I am assuming that the kids price is less. (I didn't have kids at my wedding, so I never priced out what a catering hall charges for kids)

I don't think anyone would complain, that would be rude.

It is just the customary, average amount that the kids give. I am sure there are some that may give less and some that may give more.
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Old 09-13-2012, 04:45 PM   #115
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I think we're speaking at cross purposes. $54 is a symbol. It has nothing to do with the cost of a plate at a bar mitzvah. It may be close to the cost but again....no one will give $60 because of the symbolism. And many will give $36 because it's a symbol of good luck. My guess is that few will give $18 because it's on Long Island.
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Old 09-13-2012, 04:52 PM   #116
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I think we're speaking at cross purposes. $54 is a symbol. It has nothing to do with the cost of a plate at a bar mitzvah. It may be close to the cost but again....no one will give $60 because of the symbolism. And many will give $36 because it's a symbol of good luck. My guess is that few will give $18 because it's on Long Island.
I know the multiple of 18 is a symbolic thing.

Obviously, 54 isn't the exact cost of a plate. I'm just going on averages.


The point of my post was not to discuss Jewish customs, but to say that wedding and parties of all kinds have a set of average gift amounts.

I wouldn't give $54 to a Catholic couple for the wedding! I wouldn't give 200.00 for a 5 year old's birthday party.

These norms are loosely based on what the cost of a plate is. It isn't a "pay for your plate" or don't come situation.
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Old 09-13-2012, 04:55 PM   #117
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Originally Posted by Tiger926 View Post
I'm not sure why people are having trouble understanding this concept?

No one is saying that brides and grooms expect guests to cover plates, but we are saying that many of us as GUESTS expect to cover our plates for the most part.

I didn't expect anyone to bring me gifts, let alone expect guests to cover their plates - we had a big Italian wedding of about 250 people and received $0-thousands of dollars as gifts. We didn't have any expectations of gifts at all, but as givers we do have a base gift that we feel is appropriate.





Tiger
The part I don't understand is that people would rather not attend a friend's wedding, rather than look "cheap" when they can't afford to give $100-400 as a gift. There have been several people that have mentioned that they would be considered cheap if they didn't give close to what their dinner/night out cost--or would think someone was cheap if they didn't give that much--therefore there IS an expectation of spending hundreds of dollars on gifts. I cannot imagine accepting a gift of $400 from anyone, other than a large group that pooled money together--and again would've been heartbroken if my friends skipped my wedding because they thought they were going to be considered "cheap." But I don't receive gifts well--I'm a giver, too--though I don't have hundreds of dollars to spend on friends--and give what I feel is appropriate. In my world, my monthly grocery budget or the amount I tithe per month is not an appropriate gift.
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Old 09-13-2012, 05:12 PM   #118
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The part I don't understand is that people would rather not attend a friend's wedding, rather than look "cheap" when they can't afford to give $100-400 as a gift. There have been several people that have mentioned that they would be considered cheap if they didn't give close to what their dinner/night out cost--or would think someone was cheap if they didn't give that much--therefore there IS an expectation of spending hundreds of dollars on gifts. I cannot imagine accepting a gift of $400 from anyone, other than a large group that pooled money together--and again would've been heartbroken if my friends skipped my wedding because they thought they were going to be considered "cheap." But I don't receive gifts well--I'm a giver, too--though I don't have hundreds of dollars to spend on friends--and give what I feel is appropriate. In my world, my monthly grocery budget or the amount I tithe per month is not an appropriate gift.
Considered cheap by whom? Are the bride and groom or their parents (if they paid for wedding) sitting around keeping track of gifts and then making fun of people based on amounts?

Or do people feel cheap based on their own personal feelings of themselves?

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Old 09-13-2012, 05:25 PM   #119
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Yes Tiger that was my point! It is not at all about the bride and groom. The OP asked as a attending guest what the minimum that could be given is without being cheap. A 1.00 could be given and I am sure most brides and grooms would say thank you. That doesnt answer the question though.

Most of you have answered that it should not matter to the bride and groom and it doesn't.

The OP is a guest, responding as a GUEST I would not give less than what I estimate the cost of my attendance to be. Period. That is the bare minimum I would consider giving as a guest. I would feel cheap otherwise. Again this is a direct response to the question asked by the op who is going as a guest.

I would never sit and add up the cost of a plate and multiply it times 5.

Everybody has some notion in their head that they base their gift on. As GUESTS.

Bride and groom should invite who they want without regard to what they are recieving as gifts but again this was not what the OP's post was about.
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Old 09-13-2012, 09:36 PM   #120
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OP stick with your gut! Do what you can afford, no more no less! If you can swing it, add a little git on the side too!

We recently went to my fiance to be's cousins wedding, which was VERY talked up, and winded up giving $200, and a really cute set of beach/sea themed measuring spoons that cost $30.00. Looking back, I wish I had given less. All i heard was how much the wedding cost, and I got caught up in the moment. Honestly, I think the spoon set was way cooler and will mean more down the line.

With that said, they are a young couple who bought their first house the same week as the wedding, and I'm sure my gift went to good use!

I'm getting married in 4 months, and I want people to come whether they have a gift or not! I'm sad knowing that some family isn't coming because they can't afford it. I'd rather them there than having a gift, but you can't convince some people.

Basically, there is no right or wrong answer here, do what you can, and add a meaningful note to whatever you end up giving!
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