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Old 09-07-2012, 10:33 AM   #16
gator75
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OP i know how you feel i have 3 siblings none of which even care that they are on the same planet as my parents. I live with my parents to make sure they get the care they need , and to keep them out of a nursing home. I do it all right now i'm dealing with my mom who has 2 broken ribs due to a nasty fall, and where are the rest of them ? who knows.

This treatment will come back to bite them though my parents both disinherited them and left it all to me. Do i care not really i have dealt with some pretty major things on my own and theer is no way my siblings are going to come in and think they can do what they want. My name is already on their property so when they die it passes to me. When something happens and they come around it will be called tresspassing and they will be delt with accordingly.
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Old 09-07-2012, 10:38 AM   #17
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Oh my gosh, Rylee, that was an incredibly inspiring post for those of us that are caring for elderly loved ones!

Swan4me, I know how you feel. My mom has Alzheimer's, and has lived with me for 2 years now. I have a younger brother that cries in such dramatic fashion on how hard this is on him, living 3 states away, knowing that mom is losing her memory. Oh, so hard on him, the person that works for the airlines and can fly mom for free to stay with him, just to give me a break, but see that is just too hard for him to do, God forbid she get in the way of his "life". It is "better" if he comes to stay with me, live in my home, eat my food, and mess up my home with his slovenly ways. I really detest it when he comes home, but my mom loves it, and who knows how much longer I can do things to make her happy? I learned long ago that brother is worthless, and all he is interested in is keeping my mom in my home so we don't lose the inheritance in a nursing home. And he is my mom's favorite. Joy.

DH and I are presently getting my mom's house ready to put on the market. The people renting are moving out, and guess who all the responsibility of getting the house ready to market is falling upon? Me and my saint of a husband. All brother does is tell me what his lowest sale price is, but does he help get the house ready? No. His back hurts, you know. Or his gout is acting up. Or his head hurts. When mom goes, I bet you anything nothing will hurt as he demands equal split of inheritance and goes off to spend whatever he gets.

As it is, my mom's will has my brother with 55%, me with 45%. See, I am married, he is a lonely gay man with a terrible temper and drug/alcohol problem that no one wants to be in a relationship with. Since he will have to support himself, he gets a higher percentage. Oh well, at least I know that my conscience will be clear when the time comes that my mom passes on. As will yours, Swan4 me, and all who care for ailing relatives.
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Old 09-07-2012, 12:10 PM   #18
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This is happening with my grandparents. They had 5 kids. But, only my aunt is close to them. She lives just a few minutes away.

My mom and uncles never saw my grandparents when they were in good health. My mom and uncles have had failing outs with my grandparents. I don't know over what.

My aunt takes care of them about 6 hours a day. They really need to go into a nursing home. My grandpa is very vocal that they will not be going into a home.
My aunt insists that her siblings come and help take care of the. Everyone else wants them to go into a home. It has caused a lot of tension between the siblings. I fell bad for my aunt because she is under so much stress.

My grandparents can barely see and are very mean. My grandpa mentioned that he is going to have a family meeting and assign nights for people to stay with them since he doesn't feel comfortable staying at the house by themselves.

I use to visit my grandparents all the time. But, as my kids got older and more involved in activities it is harder. I visited less frequently when every visit they would swear and scream at me. But, when they started on my kids that was it.
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Old 09-07-2012, 01:33 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by stsomewhere View Post
This is happening with my grandparents. They had 5 kids. But, only my aunt is close to them. She lives just a few minutes away.

My mom and uncles never saw my grandparents when they were in good health. My mom and uncles have had failing outs with my grandparents. I don't know over what.

My aunt takes care of them about 6 hours a day. They really need to go into a nursing home. My grandpa is very vocal that they will not be going into a home.
My aunt insists that her siblings come and help take care of the. Everyone else wants them to go into a home. It has caused a lot of tension between the siblings. I fell bad for my aunt because she is under so much stress.

My grandparents can barely see and are very mean. My grandpa mentioned that he is going to have a family meeting and assign nights for people to stay with them since he doesn't feel comfortable staying at the house by themselves.

I use to visit my grandparents all the time. But, as my kids got older and more involved in activities it is harder. I visited less frequently when every visit they would swear and scream at me. But, when they started on my kids that was it.
That's a tough one. I guess people who are in the beginning stages of Alzheimers can have personality changes and might become mean, but if they have always been mean, I think you made the right decision. Your kids should definitely not be exposed to scary situations.

If your grandparents don't want to be alone, they should pay for caretakers, but paid people won't be cussed at.
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Old 09-07-2012, 03:22 PM   #20
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That's a tough one. I guess people who are in the beginning stages of Alzheimers can have personality changes and might become mean, but if they have always been mean, I think you made the right decision. Your kids should definitely not be exposed to scary situations.

If your grandparents don't want to be alone, they should pay for caretakers, but paid people won't be cussed at.
It is a difficult situation. They don't have Alzheimers. They are just miserable. My grandpa has told me for the last 10 yrs that he is ready to die.
My grandma had it in her head that my husband and I were having marriage troubles sine I was going on vacation without him. She called me 10-20 times a day to talk to me about it. It drove me crazy.

I am not sure why my aunt does not want them to go into a nursing home. She is so stressed and overwhelmed with taking care of them. She feels that she can not do anything or have a life.
Every time my mom and uncles try to convince her that they need to go in a home, my aunt gets really mad and tells them that they need to help her with the care of my grandparents.

None of the siblings live close. They all live a few hours away.
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Old 09-07-2012, 04:18 PM   #21
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I'm going through the same thing. My one brother was no help when my mom was alive and is not much help now. I am doing most of the work to get the house cleaned out. He told me yesterday he can give me 30 or 45 minutes on Sunday. 30 or 45 minutes???? I feel like saying "don't bother" but I want him to do something. He's pulled the "I can't deal with it" card for years.
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Old 09-07-2012, 06:26 PM   #22
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I always laugh out loud when someone berates me for having only one child on the grounds that, "But who will help her deal with you when you get old?" I laugh because my mother was one of three siblings and the only one who EVER took her parents on the myraid number of errands, doctor's appointments, etc. The only one who visited them in the hospital. The only one who visited my grandmother in the assisted care place or nursing home for the five years she was there. The only one who bought them food or clothing. The only one who packed up their apartment... until my aunt decided she wanted stuff and then WHAMBAMZOWEE! did my aunt get there with a truck and haul stuff away.

So in other words -- people are what they are, good and bad. You can't change them. But what you should do is stop counting on them to help because they're not going to. Move on and forget about them.
Not always true. My mom had a whole slue of people trying to get her and my dad to move closer to them so they could take care of her. We lived in the same city and I had small kids and lived at least 45 minutes away. they talked and talked until she moved. She did move and had a number of people taking care of her, and after she passed they took care of my dad. Everyone adored my mom and dad, and would have done anything and everything for them and they did.
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Old 09-07-2012, 07:01 PM   #23
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OP, measure your life by how you have treated those around you. You can hold your head high. Keep focused on that. If your brother doesn't do right by your parents, he has to live with that, not you.
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Old 09-07-2012, 07:01 PM   #24
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To the OP, . I have a brother who is a doctor who can go to Florida for 3 weeks, go to Italy for 2 weeks, Costa Rico for a week but maybe see our mother 1 - 2 weekends in that same year. Of course I am the one who emptied her house and moved her, etc, etc, etc. DD's boyfriend helped me move her the last time.

Rylee, what a wonderful post. I need to print that to help my attitude.
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Old 09-07-2012, 07:13 PM   #25
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Stsomewhere: could your aunt have made a promise to either herself or to your grandparents that no matter what SHE would take care of them? My own personal expierence with promising my df that I would take care of my mom, and the only reason I do it is because I did promise him,because if I went off my word for whatever reason, I feel like I would have broken the promise and let him down. Perhaps that is why your aunt feels the way she does.
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Old 09-07-2012, 07:48 PM   #26
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I did want to add: some people are lazy, others simply don't either have it in them to be caregivers, others honestly live in denial and can't handle things. Do you really want someone who doesn't or can't have it in them to help? Would you want someone to help youbout of guilt(oh if you don't help you are bad) or obligation? My dd13 has seen me be a caregiver for more then half her life, no way on earth do I think she owes it to8 me to later help me and I have put things in place for whel I get older. If you choose to help your parentsq. To expect others to follow suit you are setting yourself up for resentment and disappointment, so do it because you want to and don't expect others to do the same. I don't regret taking care of my df and no matter what I always have my moms back even though she never had mine and I know I have done the best I could and I kept my pr
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Old 09-08-2012, 05:37 PM   #27
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To the OP, . I have a brother who is a doctor who can go to Florida for 3 weeks, go to Italy for 2 weeks, Costa Rico for a week but maybe see our mother 1 - 2 weekends in that same year. Of course I am the one who emptied her house and moved her, etc, etc, etc. DD's boyfriend helped me move her the last time.

Rylee, what a wonderful post. I need to print that to help my attitude.

We must be sisters, because we definitely have the same brother!

My brother's son was 6, when our mother passed away. My brother had brought his son for exactly 2 visit before she passed away. Two visit in six years!

He lives 5 hours away, so I accept it was physically impossible for him assist with the daily/weekly responsibilities... mowing, errands, cleaning, doctor appointments, etc. Not a problem, as my DH and older children were wonderful and lovingly pitched in. They adored my Mom and were all very close. What I did have a problem with was that he rarely visited, (maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 12-15 years) but never hesitated to mail off postcards and pictures of all their many vacations to dreamy destinations. And phone calls... at one point, my mother honestly thought he must have changed his phone number, because he seldom returned her phone calls. Even "Mother's Day" phone calls came a week late. My brother likes to believe that since he is such an "important person" it was just impossible for him for him to find the time. Sadly, my mother had to believe it too, otherwise, the truth would have been too painful for her to accept.
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