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Old 10-31-2012, 08:18 AM   #1
zoo2tycoon
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Adult Friendships....handling this situation UPDATE POST 21

Started this as a WWYD...IDK if that is even correct thing needed. Just insights on this....

Quick background---friends with this person 10+ years. Kids go to school together. She has very few close friends due to her actions. Her child has dated someone for 2 years and of course she doesn't like this person. And yes I realize you are just hearing my side----

So back in the fall there was a sporting event. The GF of my friend's son wanted a ride to watch him play (we are talking high school- she does drive but this game was far away===with gas so high, etc). She rode with me---friend was ok with or at the time never said it bothered her (daily tells me how she doesn't want this girl with her son, how bad she is, etc etc----this is not what I have seen in this girl). But friend just sees negative in everyone.

So fast forward to this weekend. My child and my friends child are on all star team for sport. Game this coming weekend. GF asks if she can ride with us as my friend is on a rant with her, being mean, nasty and my friend tells it like it is to this girl. So I say sure. Friend texts me and says did you invite GF to ride with you---I said yes, hope it wasn't a problem. Get the response oh yes it was. I apologize for saying she could ride with us and said I didn't know things were bad (last I knew friend was being nice to GF after she rode with us to previous event). So later that night friend tries to call me....we are eating an I text I'll call you later we are eating. Thirty minutes later I call her...she doesn't answer (doesn't have VM on phone) so I text call whenever I tried to call back.

Monday no word from her... which is weird. So yesterday I text and tell her something and no response. Later that morning I am on FB and see she is gone...figure maybe since I am friends with GF she inactivated account so GF can't see her posts. So I text and say see you are off FB....whats up. Nothing. So last night my child looks and he can see her on FB....so obviously I am blocked from even seeing her name in friend search, etc. OK...now I know she is furious.

I haven't sent anything since the whats up when I found off FB.

So now the WWYD---this weekend we have all stars event. Obviously she is done with the friendship or needs cooling off. Which is fine- I just wish as an adult she would talk to me and share her feelings. I still don't think it was necessary for me to ask her permission before inviting GF to ride with us (by the way she and my child are friends and my child and her son are friends). But if she feels that way I did apologize and would explain things to her but I am done for now.

She sets people off...I am asked how can you be her friend. This is the type whose children do no wrong (one of the parents who has "name" for herself at school making excuses when kids do get in trouble), does the brags all the time on FB, etc. I learned true friendship from my BFF (who is now an angel). Life is too short to have negative influences...but I do feel bad. This friend has a sick mother--and she has no one. I would still be there to get her kids if needed, etc but obviously she doesn't want that.

Maybe I didn't even need a WWYD or how to handle. Just expressing myself....it is sad to lose a friend after years but there is a reason for it.

Thanks!

Last edited by zoo2tycoon; 11-05-2012 at 07:58 AM.
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Old 10-31-2012, 08:32 AM   #2
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You have more patience for teenage drama than I do. As a grown woman, I'm thinking you can take anyone you want in your car. Unless she is paying for the gas, I don't think the other person gets a say.

You mentioned you feel bad because she has no one else. There is a reason she has no one else!! I also really don't like an adult that goes off on a teenage child and talks trash about a child. I certainly think that speaks about the character of someone.

I understand that she is your friend and I'm sure she blows hot and cold and will be back with you soon if that is what you want.
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Old 10-31-2012, 08:38 AM   #3
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OP, Personally, I would distance myself from this "friend".

Do you really need this?

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Old 10-31-2012, 08:39 AM   #4
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I seriously let a "friend" go because of her drama just recently. I always felt bad because she didn't have anyone else. WELL I learned why she doesn't have any one else. Because for some who "avoids drama" sure brings it in. She is always "the victim". So I would take the fb thing as a sign to move on
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Old 10-31-2012, 08:52 AM   #5
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Thank you....

I do plan on distancing myself and need to stay away. The word drama is a great example of what this is.

Guess about a month ago this should have happened. She has trashed my on BFF not knowing how I can be friends with her. She also can't understand why I am so close to my angel BFF's children (the one my angel BFF and I had tears over when she told me to be there for her kids). My angel BFF taught me so much about the true meaning of friendship...I need to dig deep and remember her words...put this toxic friend out of my life and move forward.

thanks again.....just needed more to vent and put words out there.
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Old 10-31-2012, 09:19 AM   #6
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Sometimes I think we tend to tiptoe around difficult people, and that can lead to situations just like this. I'm sure not blaming you OP, I do it way too often myself.

Aside from the fact that she's acting like a 10 year old having a tantrum, she absolutely does not have any right to tell you who you can transport in your car. End of story. I understand that you were trying not to offend her, but no rational person would have been offended by what you did.

Just go to your all-stars event. Be civil/friendly to her and her kid, don't tiptoe around her. Just be yourself. Ignore all this passive-aggressive junior-high FB defriending nonsense, it's just a childish cry for attention. If she's going to pout, don't even notice. If she starts on you about giving the GF a ride, just say "She asked for a ride, so I gave her one. I'm sorry, but who I give rides to is my call, not anyone else's." And drop it. Don't let her make it into a big deal, and don't go asking for forgiveness, etc. That just feeds the drama.
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Old 10-31-2012, 09:45 AM   #7
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I recently ended a 7+ year friendship and a 20+ year friendship. I know, it sucks. In my case I do think the 20 year one will eventually be rebuilt. She just needed more help than I could provide.

It is funny, as adults we talk about walking away from people who bring drama into our lives but when it comes to teens we often give the opposite advice. Look at the Amanda Todd thread and some of the other threads where people are wondering why these obviously troubled teens weren't befriended instead of shunned. Interesting. But I digress.

I think you are doing the right thing. My life is SO MUCH more peaceful w/out the friends I recently lost. I absolutely miss the good parts of them but I didn't realize how much time I was devoting to keeping them "happy." Texting back immediately so they wouldn't be mad at me. Doing things I didn't have time to do, like meeting for lunch when I should have been working, to keep the peace. It was exhausting and MY life was suffering.

Hang in there. It gets better.
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:00 AM   #8
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Yes, you are doing the right thing by letting this 'friend' go.

Remember, YOU are not the one who cut her off.
She cut you off.
So, while it must hurt to see the situation and lose this relationship.
You are doing the right thing by just letting it go.

And, regarding the teens...
If your child and her son's girlfriend are friendly enough, and everyone else is okay with it.... I would make my decisions based on that, not on what this one woman might think. You can't let the negative, self-serving, toxic people have that much power. Just don't give her that power over you.

As you might guess when it comes to toxic, controlling, people, (especially parents who are way too over-involved and vested in their teens/young adults personal life) that just doesn't work for me. And, especially if their efforts spill over into trying to contol me and my child.

Sorry you are having to go thru this!
But, I do feel that you are doing the right thing to just let this relationship go.
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:05 AM   #9
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What a great clean break from this controlling woman.

A polite "Hello" will do from now on. If she tries to reinstate friendship, look at her and calmly say: "I think it is best that we remain civil. I want nothing deeper with you." Smile, then walk away.

Seems difficult, but it really isn't.

A grown woman blocking you on FB? Telling you who you can and can't give rides to? Ignoring your calls and texts?

Nope. Not in this lifetime. Walk away. She is not worth your time.

The older I get, the less people I need in my life. I only want to associate with honest and good people. That really thins the herd

Again, this is the clean break that you need.
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:06 AM   #10
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I'd run, run, RUN from this friendship!

She is the one behaving like a child. Not you.

The fact that she's playing the silent game with you should be reason enough to let go.

I've dealt with my fair share of broken friendships, and let me tell you, it feels SO good to rid yourself of useless relationships. Friends fight, but playing games is not adult appropriate.

Just my opinion.
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:11 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovemygoofy View Post
You have more patience for teenage drama than I do. As a grown woman, I'm thinking you can take anyone you want in your car. Unless she is paying for the gas, I don't think the other person gets a say.

You mentioned you feel bad because she has no one else. There is a reason she has no one else!! I also really don't like an adult that goes off on a teenage child and talks trash about a child. I certainly think that speaks about the character of someone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sgt Mickey View Post
I would take the fb thing as a sign to move on
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lynne M View Post

Aside from the fact that she's acting like a 10 year old having a tantrum, she absolutely does not have any right to tell you who you can transport in your car. End of story. I understand that you were trying not to offend her, but no rational person would have been offended by what you did.

Just go to your all-stars event. Be civil/friendly to her and her kid, don't tiptoe around her. Just be yourself. Ignore all this passive-aggressive junior-high FB defriending nonsense, it's just a childish cry for attention. If she's going to pout, don't even notice. If she starts on you about giving the GF a ride, just say "She asked for a ride, so I gave her one. I'm sorry, but who I give rides to is my call, not anyone else's." And drop it. Don't let her make it into a big deal, and don't go asking for forgiveness, etc. That just feeds the drama.
I totally agree with the above. Let her go. she blocked you on facebook and wont act like an adult and return your calls, fine. But i would comply with what she's asking (not in so many words), and that is to leave her alone. Its what she wants. So be it. You dont need that childish teen drama on your hands. thats absolutely ridiculous. For her to act that way towards a child is disgusting. I actually feel sorry for her son as well. Furthermore, you can drive whom ever you darn well please! As the pp's said above, no wonder she has no friends!
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:26 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zoo2tycoon View Post
Started this as a WWYD...IDK if that is even correct thing needed. Just insights on this....

Quick background---friends with this person 10+ years. Kids go to school together. She has very few close friends due to her actions. Her child has dated someone for 2 years and of course she doesn't like this person. And yes I realize you are just hearing my side----

So back in the fall there was a sporting event. The GF of my friend's son wanted a ride to watch him play (we are talking high school- she does drive but this game was far away===with gas so high, etc). She rode with me---friend was ok with or at the time never said it bothered her (daily tells me how she doesn't want this girl with her son, how bad she is, etc etc----this is not what I have seen in this girl). But friend just sees negative in everyone.

So fast forward to this weekend. My child and my friends child are on all star team for sport. Game this coming weekend. GF asks if she can ride with us as my friend is on a rant with her, being mean, nasty and my friend tells it like it is to this girl. So I say sure. Friend texts me and says did you invite GF to ride with you---I said yes, hope it wasn't a problem. Get the response oh yes it was. I apologize for saying she could ride with us and said I didn't know things were bad (last I knew friend was being nice to GF after she rode with us to previous event). So later that night friend tries to call me....we are eating an I text I'll call you later we are eating. Thirty minutes later I call her...she doesn't answer (doesn't have VM on phone) so I text call whenever I tried to call back.

Monday no word from her... which is weird. So yesterday I text and tell her something and no response. Later that morning I am on FB and see she is gone...figure maybe since I am friends with GF she inactivated account so GF can't see her posts. So I text and say see you are off FB....whats up. Nothing. So last night my child looks and he can see her on FB....so obviously I am blocked from even seeing her name in friend search, etc. OK...now I know she is furious.

I haven't sent anything since the whats up when I found off FB.

So now the WWYD---this weekend we have all stars event. Obviously she is done with the friendship or needs cooling off. Which is fine- I just wish as an adult she would talk to me and share her feelings. I still don't think it was necessary for me to ask her permission before inviting GF to ride with us (by the way she and my child are friends and my child and her son are friends). But if she feels that way I did apologize and would explain things to her but I am done for now.

She sets people off...I am asked how can you be her friend. This is the type whose children do no wrong (one of the parents who has "name" for herself at school making excuses when kids do get in trouble), does the brags all the time on FB, etc. I learned true friendship from my BFF (who is now an angel). Life is too short to have negative influences...but I do feel bad. This friend has a sick mother--and she has no one. I would still be there to get her kids if needed, etc but obviously she doesn't want that.

Maybe I didn't even need a WWYD or how to handle. Just expressing myself....it is sad to lose a friend after years but there is a reason for it.

Thanks!
WHEW! Be glad you're done with this whack-a-doodle!
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:29 AM   #13
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Agree with everyone else on here. I think it is time to cut her loose. Nothing says you have to be friends with the parents of your children's friends. Go to the events you want to go to. Take whomever you want to in your car. I cannot for the life of me understand why a grown woman would constantly bad mouth a teenage girl. Do teenage girls not deal with that enough with each other that we need to add in adults to the mix? I also cannot understand why a so-called "adult" would be so childish as to block you from facebook and refuse to return your phone calls - especially when she was the first one to call. Cut her lose and enjoy your drama-free adult life.
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:41 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tuffcookie View Post
OP, Personally, I would distance myself from this "friend".

Do you really need this?

TC
This...but I hate and avoid drama like the plague.
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:43 AM   #15
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I would be concerned that she is being a bit of a bully to a child (her son's girlfriend). Whether she likes her or not is irrelevant if the girl has done nothing. Trashing a child is just awful! I would have no respect for her after that. And I would tell her straight out why I was PO'd.
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