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Old 05-13-2012, 01:52 PM   #1
DizFan101
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Just want to SCREAM!

Anyway,
I just want to scream. I can't sleep any more because I can't relax. I have to take melatonin/ambien or tylenol pm every night for 2 years. I currently have a lawsuit pending and it is supposed to end hopefully this September either by settlement or trial. but I have became paranoid about it. Everytime I type something or say something to somebody about it, I feel like like i'm putting my foot in mouth.

Second, even when i do sleep i have rated R dreams about sex. I hate rated R stuff and think sex is disgusting. I just wish I was my old self...

Not to mention the feeling of amnesia.
I am 25 years old and feel like I don't know anything and how I ended up being 25 years old. How i got to this age I don't know but at the same time I remember everything that has happened over the course of my 5 years of hell. I have been to college on my own, like physically there by myself but my parents paid for it. I got through the city on a bus and really enjoyed it. I enjoyed life but now I just don't know how to act or what to do with my life. i feel like i'm old and it's only going to get worse.

my mind is completely blank all the time where I just sit and stare at the ceiling for hours on end. I used to be a huge disney fan, and could go to disney every year. But now i can't stand lines or the heat. I have a trip to vegas coming up and i've invited my friend. But i just feel like i'm going to have a mental break down in front of her. I won't remember the flight itself and have a break down not knowing where i am....which happens a lot even when i am home. I used to be able to walk around the block a dz of times and now i just feel like i'm going in completely circles. I don't enjoy anything and every day i wake up numb and feel like my parents are always nagging me.

I fee like i can't be on my own ever now that i have changed for the worse.
I really want to cancel the trip but I just don't know.
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:21 PM   #2
brighteyes
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DizFan101 View Post
Anyway,
I just want to scream. I can't sleep any more because I can't relax. I have to take melatonin/ambien or tylenol pm every night for 2 years. I currently have a lawsuit pending and it is supposed to end hopefully this September either by settlement or trial. but I have became paranoid about it. Everytime I type something or say something to somebody about it, I feel like like i'm putting my foot in mouth.

Second, even when i do sleep i have rated R dreams about sex. I hate rated R stuff and think sex is disgusting. I just wish I was my old self...

Not to mention the feeling of amnesia.
I am 25 years old and feel like I don't know anything and how I ended up being 25 years old. How i got to this age I don't know but at the same time I remember everything that has happened over the course of my 5 years of hell. I have been to college on my own, like physically there by myself but my parents paid for it. I got through the city on a bus and really enjoyed it. I enjoyed life but now I just don't know how to act or what to do with my life. i feel like i'm old and it's only going to get worse.

my mind is completely blank all the time where I just sit and stare at the ceiling for hours on end. I used to be a huge disney fan, and could go to disney every year. But now i can't stand lines or the heat. I have a trip to vegas coming up and i've invited my friend. But i just feel like i'm going to have a mental break down in front of her. I won't remember the flight itself and have a break down not knowing where i am....which happens a lot even when i am home. I used to be able to walk around the block a dz of times and now i just feel like i'm going in completely circles. I don't enjoy anything and every day i wake up numb and feel like my parents are always nagging me.

I fee like i can't be on my own ever now that i have changed for the worse.
I really want to cancel the trip but I just don't know.
I just want to say big hugs to you. It sounds like you are going through a lot and are under a lot of stress.These things that have changed for you, do you have anyone that you can talk to about these things? I mean a professional that can help you cope?

These things you are feeling - are they due to stress and depression, or actual physical issues that are new for you??? I wish I could understand better, but I sincerely hope that you are able to find someone to help you deal with all you are going through. If you need to vent some more, you can always come back here.

I hope things improve for you and your stress gets resolved soon...
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:27 PM   #3
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I do, but the therapist does not listen.. just "uh huh" me every time. I tell her I can't work due to trust issues but she doesn't listen.
"when you start to work" etc. She doesn't listen which just shows me no one rreally listens to me. I really don't want to pay her because she does not listen but i have to. I don't get close with anybody any more because I just get screwed in the end. I really haven't grown up because I don't know how to grow up. Nothing interests me, and the days just go by and i am just numb.

i wrote a book and wrote to a few publishers but highly doubt anybody is going to be interested. It was stupid thing to do anything.

i just don't know what to do with myself day to day and just feel like everything is boring and nothing is new even though i have never been places i just feel like it's all bored and old.
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Old 06-18-2012, 03:57 PM   #4
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I think I've read your posts before and you need to get help from a new therapist. Have you joined any other forums for people having the same issues? Why not check meet-up . com and see if anything at all interests you. Have you left home? Had a job you enjoyed? Did anything ever make you happy?
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Old 06-18-2012, 09:12 PM   #5
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unfortunately.... no. These days I am just stressed out, ache (whenever I am not sleeping).

I have been trying new things and just ordered a thing of Alpha Brain, which people said helped them. Not sure though, but i have done research about it and decided to see if it will work. What harm can it do? It's just like a vitamin supplement.

I have joined a few meetup groups on meetup.com but of course my anxiety kicks in whenever i think about going to a group meetup. . It sucks being me. I have no future because I have anxiety about meeting new people. Before I was just super shy but i managed to meet up with one guy from a dating website after months of chatting on line and on the phone...safety first.
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Old 06-21-2012, 01:18 AM   #6
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I am so sory to hear that things are still very difficult for you. Sending you a big
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:27 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DizFan101 View Post
I do, but the therapist does not listen.. just "uh huh" me every time. I tell her I can't work due to trust issues but she doesn't listen.
"when you start to work" etc. She doesn't listen which just shows me no one rreally listens to me. I really don't want to pay her because she does not listen but i have to. I don't get close with anybody any more because I just get screwed in the end. I really haven't grown up because I don't know how to grow up. Nothing interests me, and the days just go by and i am just numb.

i wrote a book and wrote to a few publishers but highly doubt anybody is going to be interested. It was stupid thing to do anything.

i just don't know what to do with myself day to day and just feel like everything is boring and nothing is new even though i have never been places i just feel like it's all bored and old.
This is going to sound drastic, but I think you need an inpatient medical check-up. Are you on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, anything? Have you had any kind of medical exam that checked out your neurological system?

Extreme apathy, depression, and anxiety can be treated - but it's a very intense situation, and hospitalization is most often required. You have to be ready for that.
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:34 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DizFan101 View Post
Anyway,
I just want to scream. I can't sleep any more because I can't relax. I have to take melatonin/ambien or tylenol pm every night for 2 years. I currently have a lawsuit pending and it is supposed to end hopefully this September either by settlement or trial. but I have became paranoid about it. Everytime I type something or say something to somebody about it, I feel like like i'm putting my foot in mouth.

Second, even when i do sleep i have rated R dreams about sex. I hate rated R stuff and think sex is disgusting. I just wish I was my old self...

Not to mention the feeling of amnesia.
I am 25 years old and feel like I don't know anything and how I ended up being 25 years old. How i got to this age I don't know but at the same time I remember everything that has happened over the course of my 5 years of hell. I have been to college on my own, like physically there by myself but my parents paid for it. I got through the city on a bus and really enjoyed it. I enjoyed life but now I just don't know how to act or what to do with my life. i feel like i'm old and it's only going to get worse.

my mind is completely blank all the time where I just sit and stare at the ceiling for hours on end. I used to be a huge disney fan, and could go to disney every year. But now i can't stand lines or the heat. I have a trip to vegas coming up and i've invited my friend. But i just feel like i'm going to have a mental break down in front of her. I won't remember the flight itself and have a break down not knowing where i am....which happens a lot even when i am home. I used to be able to walk around the block a dz of times and now i just feel like i'm going in completely circles. I don't enjoy anything and every day i wake up numb and feel like my parents are always nagging me.

I fee like i can't be on my own ever now that i have changed for the worse.
I really want to cancel the trip but I just don't know.
Big hug to you. I'm familiar with a lot of these feelings - and it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of stress, maybe depression too. I've struggled with similar issues my whole life, particularly the insomnia, and I know how hard it can be.

I hope things get better for you, and it sometimes helps me to remember that, for better or worse, NOTHING lasts forever. Nothing. Not bad things (nor good things either) - and that human beings can get used to anything. We're remarkable that way.

For the insomnia, a trick. It doesn't always work but it works often enough to be helpful a lot of the time. It's called the Alphabet Game. It's very simple - you think of a category, and then run through the alphabet thinking of a word in that category for each letter. One of my favorites is Disney characters, because there are so many. Many a night I've been able to drop off to sleep by thinking, "A is for Aladdin, B is for Belle, C is for Cinderella..."
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Old 06-22-2012, 09:27 AM   #9
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I've also followed some of your posts and I just want to wish you the best of luck in getting the help that you need to finally figure out what's going on.

If your therapist isn't helping, don't be afraid to switch to another one. Do some research before selecting one to make sure you are a good match for each other.

As far as the insomnia goes, have you tried reading in bed? That usually makes me sleepy after a short while.
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