Dealing with Family

[Becky2005]

Originally Posted by Andtototoo

I will say that I've become loathe to jump up and offer help because more times than not, I've felt lucky to come away with my paw still intact because the bear guarding the kitchen nearly snapped it off for merely offering or for doing something "wrong". I've also had people get highly offended that I even offered, that somehow I was impugning their hosting abilities by assuming they'd appreciate my help. Not saying you are that way, OP, but I know I offer to help a lot less than I used to because years of experience has told me to keep my hands and my offers of help to myself. Gracious hosting does not end with putting the meal on the table.

This is what I was referring to with the unless you ask, I will have no clue you expect me to help & based on the past experiences, I'm going to assume you are just fine. The minute you ask for help, then I wll certainly help you.

Originally Posted by minniecarousel

Everyone knows the drill

However, somewhere along the way, they must know the drill because someone informed them it was expected correct?

I see where OP has asked for help in the past, so I can see how that would be very frustrating. I probably would still do the "Hey Billy, can you bring me the plates from in there over here to the sink?" but that's the thing about family, you never know the dynamics.

[Southernmiss]

I am learning that there is an art to being a gracious host. First rule, keep things simple. Second rule, kindly ask for help when you need it. Third rule, be direct. Fourth rule, relax--if it doesn't go perfect oh well--someone else can step up and host next time (likely won't happen!)

[skater]

Originally Posted by Southernmiss

I am learning that there is an art to being a gracious host. First rule, keep things simple. Second rule, kindly ask for help when you need it. Third rule, be direct. Fourth rule, relax--if it doesn't go perfect oh well--someone else can step up and host next time (likely won't happen!)

Very good common sense. I'll just add - get some sleep the night before .

[disykat]

Originally Posted by goofyintoronto

I always help her out with dishes but when she's at my place she sits like a queen. Go figure. Lol!

So someone who comes to your home isn't expected to help, but will be called "sitting like a queen" if she doesn't? I don't quite get your logic.

[goofyintoronto]

Originally Posted by disykat

So someone who comes to your home isn't expected to help, but will be called "sitting like a queen" if she doesn't? I don't quite get your logic.

Only reason i say that is because at her house she expects help yet at others she just sits there. she wants it but doesnt give it back in return. hence the term queen. i personally dont care that i have to do all the work, it just bugs me when she complains about the same thing that other people do at her place that shes doing at my place! get it now???????

[disykat]

In my experience, while the host for a holiday meal does shoulder a lot of the work and I think that's part of hosting, meal prep and clean up is part of the meal. We all participate in some way.

There might be help needed moving chairs, setting food on the table, clearing the table, dishes, etc. We all bring food to contribute. Everyone WANTS to contribute. Since there are too many hands, everyone can't always help, but everyone is aware and ready to pitch in when needed - generally even the kids. Yesterday we were at a close friend's house. We brought food. I helped set everything out and cleared the table after dinner. My husband did some dishes. My son took down the extra table and carried it to the garage.

A "party" you were invited to would probably entail more "host" versus "guest," but a holiday or regular family occasion meal means pitching in together. I guess we'd all feel a little offended if we were considered "guests" in the more formal sense.

[BroganMc]

We do family gatherings two different ways: holidays and regular gatherings.

For regular Sunday gatherings we usually gather and my and my dad's house (we've lived together since my mom died). It's mid-way between all the houses and makes a common ground for all the grandkids. Usually there is very little planning beforehand as it is a standing invitation on Sundays for my sister. So we stock up on frozen foods for quick meals: pizza, lasagna, meats, etc. My dad also likes to shop the Friday night $5 specials at the grocery store for roast chicken and other entrees. There's never a shortage of food to cook around here. So when we do gather, we just pop something in the oven or heat up the stove and share duties. The people who cook almost never clean. Another crew is brought in to clean. Kids are all trained to bring their dishes into the kitchen, rinse them and load the dishwasher.

If anything, I do find myself picking up empty soda cans left in odd places (bookshelves, fireplace, end table) the next day. I admit that can get annoying. But it annoys me only because I spent so much time training the kids to pick up after themselves, it drives me nuts to see an adult not doing it. But I understand the can was simply forgotten in the excitement of being together.

Our gatherings always go on late, well past 10pm when we and our guests are tired. We enjoy being together so much no one likes to call it quits.

Now when we do holidays, we try to share that as a family so everyone gets a turn to show off their houses and play host. We did Easter at my sister's house yesterday. As hostess she set the menu and her kids did the decorating and cleaning. I and my niece did the Easter egg hunt. My dad cooked a vegetable casserole. My brother brought deviled eggs and flan. After we ate, everyone cleared their own dishes, but my sister loaded her dishwasher.

Christmas is always at my house, but it has been potluck since my mom died. No one thought it fair that my dad and I had to do all the work. So one brother cooks a turkey. Another brings soup and desserts. My sister does side dishes. My SIL does a special cocktail and hors d'oeurves. I bake a thousand cookies and do all the present shopping and decorating (with help from my nieces and nephews who get drafted to help).

In other words, OP as host you get to be in charge, but that means you need to direct people how best to help you. I am physically not able to do a full cleaning after a party so absolutely need the help from family. I have all the brilliant ideas and planning skills instead. I know we enjoy parties so much more when everyone knows what role they play in it.

[kirstenb1]

OP, I hear you. I really can't imagine the host or hostess, no matter how picky about their kitchen, not appreciating guests who help bring dinner plates, cups and saucers, and serving dishes over to the sink. The host/hostess can load the dishwasher, do the hand dishes, etc. Just clearing the table, taking out the trash are simple things ANYONE can do.

Anywhere I go, these are the minimum things I try to do so the host/hostess can enjoy the day too.

[skater]

Originally Posted by kirstenb1

OP, I hear you. I really can't imagine the host or hostess, no matter how picky about their kitchen, not appreciating guests who help bring dinner plates, cups and saucers, and serving dishes over to the sink. The host/hostess can load the dishwasher, do the hand dishes, etc. Just clearing the table, taking out the trash are simple things ANYONE can do.

Anywhere I go, these are the minimum things I try to do so the host/hostess can enjoy the day too.

Thank you. I try to help wherever I go too. Sometimes it can be awkward in an unfamiliar house or with a family member who doesn't like you too much (I have one of those too, thanks to divorces on both sides), but there's usually something I can do. Even if its simply carrying my plate to the counter and making sure my kids do too.

I'm glad I posted my story here. Its helped me think about it in the way I normally try to view things. I know that I can't change my family members, but I can change myself. I am working on some ideas for the next gathering .

[Janepod]

Originally Posted by kirstenb1

OP, I hear you. I really can't imagine the host or hostess, no matter how picky about their kitchen, not appreciating guests who help bring dinner plates, cups and saucers, and serving dishes over to the sink. The host/hostess can load the dishwasher, do the hand dishes, etc. Just clearing the table, taking out the trash are simple things ANYONE can do.

Anywhere I go, these are the minimum things I try to do so the host/hostess can enjoy the day too.

(Raising hand.) I HATE when people bring the dinner plates from the dining room to the kitchen. Why? Well, for these dinners I'm generally using the fine, non-dishwasherable china, meaning I'm washing it by hand. When people stack the plates, both sides of the plate get dirty, meaning I have to give both sides of the plate a good cleaning - instead of washing one side and giving the other just a cursory rinse. Come over, hang out, eat til you want to burst, pour some port, set up the Wii - just don't stack my plates!

[donac]

Originally Posted by skater

Sometimes you just have to get over it. My family came to our house on Easter and I felt so discouraged, I actually crept away for a few minutes and lay down. DH and I went to a lot of trouble to make the day nice for everyone. At the end of a somewhat casual meal, everyone left their plates on the table, crashed on the couch or went outside while DH, DD, my MIL, and I cleaned everything up. I called one family member before the event to ask them to pick something up that I forgot and it was a huge deal - like I was asking too much of them. This was after I stayed up until 1 a.m. and woke up early Sunday to prepare foods that were special accommodations for dietary restrictions.

Today, I'm realizing a few things. I was too tired and brought some of this on myself. I didn't have to go to all the trouble I did. I know how my family is and they're never going to change. I love my family and if I want to see them on holidays, I will either have to accept them or specifically ask them for clean-up help (or just leave everything until the next day).

Also, I learned that next year, I'll try to do a lot more earlier in the week, tone things down a bit, and get more sleep . My family isn't all bad. They may be clueless, but they can also be generous and kind. They're also good to my kids. I think I will enjoy them more at the next holiday if I chill out and accept their "rudeness."

Originally Posted by skater

I guess I did have some expectations, but it was foolish considering the history. I have made my hopes known in the past, so they probably know but have made a choice. And really, I don't want much help - maybe bringing a paper plate to the trash or throwing a napkin away.

I have decided to adjust my expectations and maybe make it clear what I feel good about doing and what I won't do - especially for the special dietary issues. If I had more help, I would be happy to do it, but I could avoid feeling taken advantage of if I just cut some things out. Like I said, I will be adjusting my own attitude - because I know they're not going to change.

I think if the incident with my request for a certain person to pick something up for me hadn't went bad, I wouldn't have been upset at all (or not too much ). It felt a little obnoxious to me. But again, I am getting over it today and will deal with it differently in the future.

I know exactly how you feel. I had been hosting Christmas for dh's family for a good number of years. Dmil would do Thanksgiving . One year she got sick and while she was home she wasn't up to cooking. My dsils do not cook (one lives with my in laws) so I offered to come down and cook. Since then I have been cooking Thanksgiving at my house (their over doesn't work. DON"T ASK) and traveling down there. I also have been bringing Christmas dinner down there since she is too fragile to travel.

Only one of my sil will help clean up. The other two just sit there. I have to have several very long talks with myself before the holidays. I do a hugh attitude adjustment before these two holidays. I keep telling myself that I am doing it just for my mil. It is difficult but you had some great thoughts afterward so just keep thinking of those as the holidays approach. It is not easy but you can do it. Good luck.

[Stitchfans]

Originally Posted by DMass

Unless you adopt.

that is if you are the one adopting. Coming from someone who was adopted, I had no choice. I just lucked out since my folks were/are wonderful parents. (mom passed away a while back in '99)

[ols386]

Personally, if I'm the hostess at my house, I'd rather do the clean-up by myself, but if I'm at someone else's house as a guest, I always offer to help, and do help if it seems like the hostess wants me to help clean-up.

I think offering to help with clean-up is polite, and if the host/hostess genuinely seems like they don't want the help, then I don't help.

Also think if you are the hostess, and if you want help, and no one seems to be helping, it's ok to speak up and nicely ask for help. If you don't speak-up, others really can't read your mind.

[Bob NC]

Originally Posted by Janepod

When people stack the plates, both sides of the plate get dirty, meaning I have to give both sides of the plate a good cleaning - instead of washing one side and giving the other just a cursory rinse. Come over, hang out, eat til you want to burst, pour some port, set up the Wii - just don't stack my plates!

It's kind of a running joke at my house, "Don't stack the plates, then we'll have to wash both sides!!!!"

(Well, up until now we thought it was a joke.)

[ksjayhawks]

Since it is family, tell them what you expect. I see nothing wrong with asking them to help you out. You can also assign chores or draw for them--that way everyone has a job to do.

"After we are done eating, everyone should take their plates, silverware, and cups to the kitchen and put them on the counter."

"We are going to draw for chores this year. Everyone take a slip, then let me know what you got."