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Old 11-01-2011, 11:15 AM   #1
dismom2005
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Walk-Away spouse

I'm in the middle of a Divorce from my stbx-Husband. He has had more than one affair and in my opinion is going through a Mid-Life Crisis.

By all accounts I was a good wife, and in moments of clarity he said that it wasn't me, he just wants "something more" out of life as he told me he is never really happy. He seemed happy at the time so I sense he is trying to rewrite the marital history in a way. I bent over backwards for this man for years trying to give him the freedom and space to find hobbies and attend Graduate School while I took care of the children and worked just as hard for us to be where we are now.

What I am struggling with is how he could just walk away from everything and not even seem to care. We have known each other for almost all of our adult lives and have supported each other through good times and bad, sickness and health. While I am thankful I have a roof over my head and will have the children all but every other weekend, I am so resentful that he can just write a check and feel things are even. I still don't have power or heat after this past weekend's storm and he is capable of coming over to help shovel, move tree branches, help clean out the entire fridge...but hasn't offered nor seems to be concerned at all.

I know our marriage is over, I can't make someone love me when they've already moved on, but the home is also the primary residence of his children and by not helping me he is directly not helping them either.

Can someone enlighten me? What am I missing here?
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Old 11-01-2011, 11:25 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dismom2005 View Post
I'm in the middle of a Divorce from my stbx-Husband. He has had more than one affair and in my opinion is going through a Mid-Life Crisis.

By all accounts I was a good wife, and in moments of clarity he said that it wasn't me, he just wants "something more" out of life as he told me he is never really happy. He seemed happy at the time so I sense he is trying to rewrite the marital history in a way. I bent over backwards for this man for years trying to give him the freedom and space to find hobbies and attend Graduate School while I took care of the children and worked just as hard for us to be where we are now.

What I am struggling with is how he could just walk away from everything and not even seem to care. We have known each other for almost all of our adult lives and have supported each other through good times and bad, sickness and health. While I am thankful I have a roof over my head and will have the children all but every other weekend, I am so resentful that he can just write a check and feel things are even. I still don't have power or heat after this past weekend's storm and he is capable of coming over to help shovel, move tree branches, help clean out the entire fridge...but hasn't offered nor seems to be concerned at all.

I know our marriage is over, I can't make someone love me when they've already moved on, but the home is also the primary residence of his children and by not helping me he is directly not helping them either.

Can someone enlighten me? What am I missing here?
I am so sorry.

I don't know that I can explain - only he knows what he is thinking - but I have a guess. He is so wrapped up in his "new life." that he can't see straight. Perhaps there is someone else behind the scenes who is making it difficult for him to have any contact with you. Perhaps he thinks that in order for him to move on, he has to break away and not be a part of your life at all.

It doesn't really matter, though. You cannot control him. You can only control yourself, and that is what you should be concerned with. Have you seen a counselor? He or she might help you work through your feelings.

Have you been to this site www.survivinginfidelity.com ? There are lots of great people and many good resources there.

I hope you find some peace.
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Old 11-01-2011, 11:26 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dismom2005 View Post
I'm in the middle of a Divorce from my stbx-Husband. He has had more than one affair and in my opinion is going through a Mid-Life Crisis.

By all accounts I was a good wife, and in moments of clarity he said that it wasn't me, he just wants "something more" out of life as he told me he is never really happy. He seemed happy at the time so I sense he is trying to rewrite the marital history in a way. I bent over backwards for this man for years trying to give him the freedom and space to find hobbies and attend Graduate School while I took care of the children and worked just as hard for us to be where we are now.

What I am struggling with is how he could just walk away from everything and not even seem to care. We have known each other for almost all of our adult lives and have supported each other through good times and bad, sickness and health. While I am thankful I have a roof over my head and will have the children all but every other weekend, I am so resentful that he can just write a check and feel things are even. I still don't have power or heat after this past weekend's storm and he is capable of coming over to help shovel, move tree branches, help clean out the entire fridge...but hasn't offered nor seems to be concerned at all.

I know our marriage is over, I can't make someone love me when they've already moved on, but the home is also the primary residence of his children and by not helping me he is directly not helping them either.

Can someone enlighten me? What am I missing here?
That all sounds very familiar to me.

It was one of the hardest things to get used to after my divorce. Where was my husband when I needed him to kill a mouse in the middle of the night? Clean out the gutters? Help his daughters learn to ride a bike without training wheels?

He checked out and for him, it seemed that was that. He had no involvement at all in any issue relating to our house or the children except what he was legally required to do - and even that came only after a struggle.

It was so hard to understand - and I never really did - but eventually I got the message. You are on your own now. Learn to kill your own mice, teach your children to ride a bike by yourself, hire someone to clean the gutters.

It is an emotional transition you need to go through - and do it on your own terms, in your own way.

For me, the secret was finally understanding he was completely out of the picture in that way, and could never, never be counted on. Once I got that it was easier to either teach myself how to do things or hire someone.

I have to say, finding a contractor/handyman was the best thing I could ever have done for house issues. I also hired someone to do the yardwork and help clean the house. Even a mother's helper an hour every other week can change beds and dust and vacuum. It was a huge help when I really, really needed it.

to you!
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Old 11-01-2011, 11:28 AM   #4
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Very sorry, I know what you are going through. Just ended my marriage of 18 years with ex husband. He also just up and left the house. But, he left me with tons of debt and is continuing to try to get more out of me. He comes over nearly every day asking for money and things. Only spends a few minutes with DD17 and during that time asks her for things.

He is not paying a dime for child support since I waved it to get him out of my hair. I figured it wasn't worth it since it would of been for only a year and considering the fact he is not working, it would be difficult to get something out of nothing. He continues to rack up debt and then gives my phone number out to the debt collectors. He like yours, walked away without a care in the world as far as his child's welfare.

Already informed me that it is up to me to see to her college education. Says he is contributing a dime. When he sees things that needs to be done around the house he offers to help but for a price. In a small way yours seems a tiny bit better, but IMO they are both scum. Only scum can walk away from their family without the smallest bit of remorse.

Sure wish someone could explain it to me also. Sure is hurtful and very confusing, huh? Hang in there. It has to get better. At least I keep telling myself that. We are better off without them. Trust me.
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Old 11-01-2011, 11:30 AM   #5
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What I am struggling with is how he could just walk away from everything and not even seem to care.
He's already moved on and bonded with someone else, The family is not his priority. That's how. I'm sooo sorry for your pain. I have been there, done that and have the Tshirt. My advice is to seek healing from either a pastor or therapist. You do not deserve this. You were probably a damn good wife.



Last edited by NY Disney fan; 11-01-2011 at 11:45 AM.
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Old 11-01-2011, 11:44 AM   #6
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First off, I'm so sorry.

I think you'll need to change your expectations, though, if you want to keep your sanity. No man who bailed on his family is going to come by and do house maintenance. Unfortunately, you're now part of that club that's both man and woman of the house. It sucks, but it is what it is.

You see that by neglecting the house, he's neglecting the kids. He probably sees that he writes a cheque every month and if you need help, you can pay for it from that. It's total crap, but again, this is a man who bailed. Integrity is obviously not his strong point.

I hope you find the strength and peace to get through this. You can do it.
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Old 11-01-2011, 11:55 AM   #7
dismom2005
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Thank you all for your kind words and I am so sorry so many of us are in this terrible club.

I am seeing a therapist, have for awhile. She bluntly said to me that "he's just been a passenger along for the ride for years" and it's true. I was saying how awful Christmas Eve and morning will be this year without him home but she reminded me that I was the one doing 95% of the Christmas gift buying, card sending, wrapping, tree decoration anyway along with birthdays, planning vacations, etc.

I thought doing these types of things, along with being a good wife and keeping the family unit maintained was what he wanted. Apparently it was never what he wanted nor did any of it give him happiness. It's sad to think I wasted the last 15+ years of my life with someone who expects so much from others but gives nothing in return.
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:08 PM   #8
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I thought doing these types of things, along with being a good wife and keeping the family unit maintained was what he wanted. Apparently it was never what he wanted .
....because sadly he is not a real man but only a boy playing at being a man. He wasn't man enough to say "honey, let's do things different at Christmas." Not man enough to step up and lead the household forcing you to do EVERYTHING just to keep the home happy. Sorry if I overstepped my bounds but I'm so sick of this behavior which I see every day.

ETA: Now you literally have to do everything (house maintenance) because he can't deal with life, which is what he did in the marriage.
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:11 PM   #9
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Can someone enlighten me? What am I missing here?
You were married to a turd . The guy I am married to would have been over immediately to help with snow, limbs, and any other thing we needed him for. Your guy/ex is a selfish jerk .
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:22 PM   #10
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Sorry that you are going throught this. Divorce is a "death" of marriage, so it will take time to get past your feelings for him.

In your OP, you said that he had had more that one affair. Maybe he started leaving long ago.
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:24 PM   #11
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So sorry sweetie, but you'll get through this. I hear about men leaving their wives (and vice versa) for someone else, and then trying to rewrite the history of the marriage a lot. It seems to be a way of transfering the guilt to you. It wasn't his unfaithfulness that led to divore...it was you not making him happy. I know it must be very hard after many years of marriage to make this adjustment. The other posters have given you some great advice. I hope you start feeling better soon.
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:27 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by dismom2005 View Post
Thank you all for your kind words and I am so sorry so many of us are in this terrible club.

I am seeing a therapist, have for awhile. She bluntly said to me that "he's just been a passenger along for the ride for years" and it's true. I was saying how awful Christmas Eve and morning will be this year without him home but she reminded me that I was the one doing 95% of the Christmas gift buying, card sending, wrapping, tree decoration anyway along with birthdays, planning vacations, etc.

I thought doing these types of things, along with being a good wife and keeping the family unit maintained was what he wanted. Apparently it was never what he wanted nor did any of it give him happiness. It's sad to think I wasted the last 15+ years of my life with someone who expects so much from others but gives nothing in return.
I am not divorced but I certainly can share marital frustration with you. I will be married for almost 21yrs next month and with him for 26yrs.

You know what, look at like this....

You did what you thought was right for all those yrs. You can't change it however now you can change YOUR perspective and choose to look at it in a different light.

Such as thank goodness he had the courage to admit the truth and leave you. Now you can begin to find the person that you are meant to be with or live the life you are meant to have.

You don't have to "go through the motions" to please this guy. You are free of that. You can please yourself now.

Somewhere out there, there is someone who will be pleased by WHO you are and NOT by what you do.

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Old 11-01-2011, 02:22 PM   #13
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So some of you are saying that an ex husband should still come & do house maintenance, since they have kids together?
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Old 11-01-2011, 02:27 PM   #14
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So some of you are saying that an ex husband should still come & do house maintenance, since they have kids together?
only if he still cares about the well being of his kids. If not, then no he's free to go.
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Old 11-01-2011, 02:50 PM   #15
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"he is capable of coming over to help shovel, move tree branches, help clean out the entire fridge."

I've been single for many years. Once they are out of the house its your responability to take care of things. As mom always said "if you want something done do it yourself."

Its your responsibility to take care of the kids.
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